Is It Depression Or, Are You Married To An Asshole?

Are you married to an asshole? Who isn’t? But what degree of asshole is he? Can you manage his assholiness or do you need to get out? Is he the cause of your depression?

You are probably familiar with flying on an airline and emergency procedures. The ones the flight attendants go over just before take off. Have you ever thought about the importance of those oxygen masks? They explain that the masks drop down and the oxygen starts to flow.

Have you ever really thought about the importance of putting yours on first? You have to breathe. You have to take care of yourself first in order to care for others.

Ah, ha!

Is that the root of your problem? Is that the cause of your depression? It was for me. I couldn’t breathe. I never put myself first and I eventually lost the ability to care for those around me. OMG, I’m ashamed to say that this is what happened to me three times. What is wrong with me? Am I wired to be a doormat?

Just like with husbands number one and two it started off the same. I’m single. I’m healthy. I look and feel great. I love my job. I have friends and family who love me. And then it happened.

I met Mr. Wonderful number three. Woo Hoo. He loves me. He thinks I’m smart and funny and beautiful. He showers me with compliments and gifts. He loves spending time with me. It doesn’t matter if we go out or stay in as long as we’re together. He promises me that this will last FOREVER. LIES! How did I not see this pattern? Maybe they weren’t lies at the time but things change.

Did he turn into an asshole or was he always an asshole? Did I change? How did I go from an interesting independent woman to a depressed doormat? All I know is the new wore off, reality set in, his needs came first and I became depressed.  

As with many couples, we agreed to put his career first. After all it was for “us.” We worked together and I became his assistant. We played together too. But little by little he explained away the changes. He needed some guy time. It’s ok, I explained to myself. He deserves it. I deserve it too.

I tried going out with friends but every time I did he showed up. Sometimes he called with a reason I needed to come home. He was so controlling that I stopped going out. I was even flattered that he was a little jealous. Besides we needed to save money and I was so busy with the kids and when I had a free minute I wanted to spend it with him.

Eventually, everything was about him. If I did speak up I got accused of being a nag. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be the cool understanding wife. But deep down I knew he was being an asshole. I knew things had changed but I didn’t know what to do. And you know what you do when you don’t know what to do? You do nothing. You learn to accept it and you make excuses. I was so afraid of losing him that I lost myself.

Does any of this sound like you?

You don’t stand up to your husband because you just don’t want to fight anymore. You let the kids get their way too often because you’re too tired to care. You don’t open the mail because it’s all bills and they are all overdue. You need a haircut. You wear the same clothes that you did years ago.   You don’t eat right. You suffer from anxiety and maybe you self medicate with alcohol?

Maybe you are depressed because he is an asshole. Maybe he’s a control freak or maybe you allowed things to get out of control. Maybe you enabled his bad behavior because you hate confrontation. Maybe you don’t want to rock the boat. But the boat is sinking and you are the only one on it.

Believe me I know. I was depressed. I gained weight and suffered from insomnia and anxiety. My gums would bleed whenever I brushed my teeth and I didn’t go see a dentist. I’ve gone through menopause without seeing a doctor. I truly put my health, my happiness and myself last.

I dropped the hobbies and the volunteer work that I used to love because he needed me to concentrate on “our” life. All the while he slowly made his own private life. I had panic attacks. It got so bad that whenever he did something that I knew was wrong I would have an attack. He started accusing me of being allergic to him…in a way he was right.  

The real kicker is that my husband, who I put first, put me last. When I said I needed to change he said good. When I asked for his help and support he said he couldn’t help me because he barely knew how to help himself. In reality he’s suffering from depression too. But men and woman do not suffer from depression in the same way. Women take blame and men blame others.

Was it his depression that made him an asshole or was he always an asshole? That’s a matter of opinion but when I started to challenge him he wanted out. After all I did for him? He wanted out? Wow. Now on top of my depression was grief. I went through shock, denial, anger, depression again and finally acceptance. I accepted that I had changed. I had become a person he didn’t like and a person I didn’t like. I became a doormat. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was history repeating itself. I have no explanation why I didn’t see it coming but I do know that it could happen again. I’m wired this way. I allow people to take advantage of me. For me this cycle needed to stop and I took charge.

With help from my family and friends I’m recovering. I promised my kids and myself that there will not be another man until I am in complete control of my own needs. I committed to supporting myself. I read, went to church, joined the gym and got a new job. I treated myself to the salon. I bought new age appropriate professional clothes. I have hobbies. I do charity work. I have friends. I like myself. I’m happy. I no longer have panic attacks. I’m no one's doormat and I’m no longer depressed. I did it without drugs, but if you need medical assistance then run, don’t walk and get help.

You need to take care of yourself before you can care for others. Put your oxygen mask on first and breathe.

Source:- http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/is-it-depression-or-are-you-married-to-an-asshole-1

Stop Telling Me I'll Fall In Love Again

You get your heart broken, and everyone wants to help. Everyone wants to be this knight in shining armor — from your mother to your best friend to a stranger you get into an overlong conversation with at a coffee shop — who rescues you from your own emotions. You are sulking and not yourself, and everyone can see it, so the goal becomes making you realize that it’s not the end of the world (as though the only time you could ever be sad is when you thought that everything was ending). It’s pointless to say, “I’m just sad for a little bit right now because something that was very big and important to me came to an unexpected end, but I’ll be okay soon enough.” That is never an acceptable answer. You have to realize that life is still beautiful, you see, and everyone has to show you why.

And almost without fail, one of the motivational themes you’re going to get in your sympathetic speeches from everyone who just wants to help is going to be “you will fall in love again.” I will? Is that so? I didn’t know that this was the fate which was awaiting me at the end of the tunnel of my own self-pity and depression. I guess now I can hold off that suicide, because some day, someone is going to declare me worthy living again. Thanks, everyone, for your words of wisdom and comfort. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go curl up in the fetal position and wait for my Prince Charming to come rescue me.In all seriousness, I know they’re just trying to help. I know when my mother tells me that I’m going to fall in love again, and that it will be wonderful and even better than this last — very unpleasant — experience, she just wants to help. She loves me, and hates to see me so down all the time. She hates that someone was able to convince me, if only for a little while, that I wasn’t worth loving and I wasn’t good enough for them. She tells me all the time that he didn’t deserve me, and I wonder what that even means. I know that he had a tendency to be an asshole, but maybe so did I, and we just didn’t work out. It doesn’t seem reasonable to qualify people in terms of being “deserving” of one another. But even if he weren’t good enough for me on some objective scale, that is no guarantee that I’m going one day find love again elsewhere. Maybe I will. Maybe I will tomorrow. Maybe I’m going to go to the store and run into the man of my dreams while I’m too busy texting to look ahead of me, a meet-cute fit for a romantic comedy starring Katherine Heigl. But then again, maybe I won’t. And I don’t want waiting for this moment to come to me to be the only way I’m capable of making it through of my heartbreak.I mean, look at my aunt. She had her heart broken in her early 30s when her husband left her for his 25-year-old assistant he cheated with. While the two of them went off to get married (and still are), she took full custody of the kids from their marriage and never fell in love again. She just never did. She is pretty and smart and funny and everything people tell me I am, but none of her dates and casual boyfriends ever really panned out. It’s still a sore stop for her to talk about her ex husband and his new family.

But she did many other things. She has an amazing career, and lots of great friends, and two houses (one of which she designed entirely on her own). She has a great life, and I don’t pity her. I know some people in our family who do, but they are the kind of people who believe, on some level, that women are not complete or fully happy unless they have a man to confirm it. Maybe I’m reading her wrong, but she seems pretty fulfilled to me. Does she want a husband? Maybe. But she’s not in a constant state of depression without it. And I have several other aunts and uncles who, though married, are by no means happy in their relationships. I don’t think that my single aunt is any more deserving of pity than they are.

The point is just that I don’t want to be told that waiting for a new love to replace the old one is what should comfort me and get me through this time. How about that I’m cool on my own? That I have a lot to give to society and so much left to experience in my life, with or without a romantic partner? What about how great of a friend I am, or how cool my job is, or how fun I am to hang out with? What about all of the cool things that I can experience single because I don’t have to take another person’s desires into consideration when I make my choices? Sure, I’m sad, but I’m not looking to soothe that sadness by replacing it with a new relationship. Women are allowed to be sad, and they’re allowed to be single, and they don’t need to hear that one day a man is going to make it all go away by telling her she is good enough again. She’s good enough as she is.

Source:- http://thoughtcatalog.com/charlotte-green/2013/01/stop-telling-me-ill-fall-in-love-again/

Coping with a Breakup or Divorce

Moving on After a Relationship Ends

It’s never easy when a marriage or significant relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split—and whether you wanted it or not—the breakup of a relationship can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are plenty of things you can do to get through this difficult time and move on. You can even learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person.

Healing after a divorce or breakup

Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.
A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship.
Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it’s important to know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on. But healing takes time, so be patient with yourself.

Coping with separation and divorce

• Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
• Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup, and re-energize.
• Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.

Source: Mental Health America

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship

Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple losses:

How To Deal With Depression After Divorce: 5 Actionable Tips

In my profession as a divorce coach, I work with people experiencing situational depression all the time. The biggest difference between situational depression and clinical depression is that situational depression is caused by a loss like death or divorce.
Most people going through divorce experience some degree of situational depression as part of the normal grieving process over all the losses the end of the marriage brings.
If not dealt with appropriately, situational depression can linger for much longer than it needs to. I don’t want that to happen to you.

Because I want you to recover from your divorce depression as quickly as possible, here are my top 5 tips for how to deal with depression that’s triggered by the loss of your marriage.