PREDICTING DIVORCE

PREDICTING DIVORCE – JOHN GOTTMAN


John Gottman has spent years studying marriages - both marriages that
have endured, and marriages that have eventually ended in divorce. He
studied marriages with the intent of uncovering the reasons why some
marriages work and why other marriages fail.
After studying marriages for 16 years, he has learned to predict which
couples will eventually divorce and which will remain married. He can make
this prediction based on the ways couples argue, after listening to the couple
for just five minutes, with 91% accuracy. He can make these predictions
with such a high degree of accuracy because he has discovered which
behaviors will lead to a breakup of the marriage. He has pinpointed five signs
that a couple will most likely suffer a future break-up.
The First Sign: A Harsh Startup
The first of these signs that will predict divorce is the way the discussion
begins, because 96% of the time the way a discussion begins can
predict the way it will end. When one partner begins the discussion using
a harsh startup, such as being negative, accusatory or using contempt, the
discussion is basically doomed to fail. On the other hand, when one partner
begins the discussion using a softened startup, the discussion will most likely
end on the same positive tone.
The Second Sign: The Four Horsemen
A harsh startup can lead the couple's discussion down a path of negative
interaction. This type of negativity can wreak havoc on a marriage. Indeed,
there are four types of negative interactions that are so lethal to a marriage
that Gottman has labeled them the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse.
"Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the
following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling"
(Gottman et al 27).
The first of the lethal horsemen is criticism. Gottman distinguishes between
criticism and complaints, because one partner will always have certain
complaints about his or her spouse. Complaining about one's spouse is
normal, however, the way one goes about expressing these complaints is
most important. The problem arises when complaints turn into
criticisms. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, while a criticism
attacks the character of the person. An example of the difference between a
complaint and a criticism is the following:
Complaint: "You should have told me earlier that you're too tired to make
love. I'm disappointed, and I feel embarrassed."


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Filing for divorce

Very clear information on this site and lots of helpful financial insights.  Money is going to get tight so you need to manage it!

There are several fixed stages of divorce which vary slightly across the UK. Find information that’s relevant to where you’re thinking of getting divorced.

The divorce process in England and WalesHide

Getting divorced in England or Wales involves one person starting the process. They are called the ‘petitioner’. The husband or wife of the petitioner is called the ‘respondent’. In some divorces it will be one spouse’s decision, so they will start the process, but in others you may decide between you who the petitioner is and who the respondent is. It’s best to stay on civil terms with your husband or wife if you possibly can, because there’s a lot for you to sort out.

The stages of divorce

There are two stages to the divorce process:

1. a decree nisi, which means you’re moving towards divorce but nothing is finalised yet, and
2. the decree absolute which means that the marriage is entirely at an end. After this you’re both free to re-marry

Starting a divorce

To start a divorce, either you or your spouse needs to complete a document, known as a petition, and post or deliver it to your local county court, along with a court fee of £340.

Find your local court

Download a divorce petition form

Justifications for a divorce

The petition must rely on one of five possible facts to prove that the marriage has irretrievably broken down.

• Adultery with another person of the opposite sex
• Unreasonable behaviour
• Two years' desertion (when your partner leaves without explanation and without your consent)
• Living apart for two years, if you both agree to the divorce
• Living apart for five years (in which case your spouse doesn’t have to agree to the divorce)

You can’t file an application for divorce until at least one year after you married.

For more information:-

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/filing-for-divorce