7 Reasons Why Your Relationships Might Be Failing

I would like to preface this post by saying that I have fallen into every single one of these. It wasn’t until I fell on my face for the last time, drew a line in the sand and said, “No more!” was I able to see my patterns, learn to love myself before I entered a relationship, and I was able to experience a loving, healthy relationship. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. You’re so desperate for love, you’ll take it any way it’s served up. All of us want the same thing: to love and to be loved. And for some people there comes a point when we are not feeling loved enough so we’ll take any relationship over being single. Whether it’s tolerating abuse, infidelity, disrespect, boundary violations or whatever. Perhaps in your gut you know it’s wrong to stay, but in your mind the pain of leaving is worse.

This one could be its own post, but I will say this: If you know in your gut the relationship is not well, there is your answer. Period. And P.S….love yourself first. Staying in an unhealthy relationship for the sake of feeling loved will always end in massive disappointment.

2. You’re attracting the same guys as you’re feeling. If you’re feeling insecure, bitter, resentful, if you self-hate, chances are you’re going to attract the same type of person and/or that person will treat you exactly as you are feeling. You will end up finding evidence of your feelings in the shape of your relationships. For instance, if you’re with someone who doesn’t feel good about himself, chances are he won’t treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Which opens the door for your inner-critic to come in and tell you, “See! This is what you deserve.” It’s a cycle that can only be broken by you feeling good and loving towards yourself.

3. You’re a love addict. Guuuuurl, it takes one to know one. When I read the book, “Facing Love Addiction” I felt like Pia Mellody had written my autobiography and then hit me over the head with it. Love addicts in a nutshell are addicted to the feeling of being in love and in my case; addicted to the person I was in the relationship with. The relationship was what gave my life meaning. My life purpose was to make the relationship work. To make him love me the way my heart wanted to be loved. It consumed my life.

Er, not good.

Love addiction is like any other addiction. You’re filling yourself up with something outside of you. If you really feel as if this is you, I encourage you to get help either with a program, or the book above.

4. You expect your relationships to fail. If your self-esteem and self-worth are unhealthy, this is when you expect your relationships to fail. If you think all you meet are jerks and crazies that use you and leave you, you will find evidence of this. I encourage you to ask yourself WHY you think and assume this. Is it because it’s been your track record? Then it’s time to investigate how you feel about YOURSELF. How you feel about yourself will dictate how your relationships are. True story.

5. You sabotage any healthy relationship you’re in. Let’s say you’re had a string of shit relationships. Then you meet a really nice, normal, loving guy. Pretty soon you find yourself picking fights, or flirting with other guys, or maybe you’re thinking of leaving the relationship altogether. A couple of things might be happening. First, you’re bored and probably used to craziness- not normalness. (See #6) or deep down your gremlin is telling you that you don’t deserve to have this nice, healthy relationship, so you do things maybe consciously or unconsciously to cause problems to end the relationship.

6. You’re a drama addict. If you’re so used to chaos, intensity and drama, you may be a drama addict. I personally don’t see anything wrong with a little drama every once in a great while (because let’s face it, make-up sex is hot), but if this is your default way of communicating with your partner, or if your relationship has really high highs, and really low lows, that can be unhealthy. When I got married for the second time, I had to get used to communicating without yelling, slamming doors, hanging up on each other, and ending each argument with, “go fuck yourself”. At times I thought my new marriage was boring, but my therapist assured me that NOT doing all of those crazy things and actually communicating respectfully was normal and healthy. Who knew?


7. You’re waiting for someone to “complete” you. Hey sister- Price Charming also had his not-so-great, ball scratching, asshole moments. I want to vomit every time I see that scene in Jerry McGuire where he tells her, “You complete me”. Barf. Truth: Autonomy is essential to a healthy relationship. If you aren’t complete before you get into a relationship, you’re in trouble. If you’re actually looking for someone to complete you, you’re also in trouble. It’s no one’s job but yours to bring your own happiness to the relationship. Putting that on a partner is not only unfair, but unhealthy.

If you notice something about all 7 of these- they all come back to self. I see people all the time (and I did it myself), search for love and happiness in a relationship. Yes, it’s important to have those things, but if you don’t have it in yourself FIRST AND FOREMOST, you’ll be running around in circles thinking, “What is wrong with me!?”. I assure you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not broken, nor do you need fixing. The answer is in you.



Source:- http://yourkickasslife.com/divorce/7-reasons-why-your-relationships-might-be-failing

7 Signs It's Time To Say Goodbye

How do you know when your relationship has reached its expiration date?

You feel something is seriously off. You're sad, but can't pinpoint exactly why. You feel neglected, but make excuses why he's been distant lately. You feel impending doom creeping up on the horizon, but think if you hang in there, things will turn around. But deep down you know something has gone terribly wrong.

Then one day, something happens...

You find a pair of hoop earrings that definitely don't belong to you, or come home and find packing boxes stacked in your hallway, or you just wake up one morning, staring at the vacant space in your bed because he's off on yet another business trip and think, "How the heck did I get here?"

Don't wait for your heart to get pummeled. Don't turn a blind eye to the warning signs he's giving you. Instead, it's time to dump those dingy rose-colored glasses and get yourself a fabulous new pair.

Here are seven signs that it's time to end your relationship and take loving care of yourself.

1. Your contact is becoming extinct

You're becoming a dinosaur to him. Your phone used to ring off the hook and now all you hear is crickets. Watch out when he starts pulling away and spends more nights playing beer pong with his friends than playing boyfriend/girlfriend with you.

So many times we make excuses for our less-than-attentive guy: he's so busy, he's working too hard, or his cockatoo is sick. And then when he finally sends you a text, saying, "Hey," it's like your memory of him being in the "land of the lost" has been wiped out. You hit the reboot button and now everything's OK again (even though he disappeared for two weeks). That is, until the next time he vanishes and the not-so-fun emotional roller coaster starts all over again, until he eventually becomes Joe No-Show and you've lost him for good.

2. Your future together isn't on his radar

You're trying to plan a romantic weekend and he flakes out. Or you talk about going to a friend's wedding and he says he has plans that day, even though he hasn't even checked his calendar. Or you get invited to a friend's barbecue and he's being cagey about going. If he can't even commit to a barbecue with your friends, how's he gonna commit to anything with you?

I had the unfortunate experience of dating one of those "future-phobic" guys. We were talking about staying at a friend's cabin for the weekend, but the date that worked for everyone was a month away. He said, "I don't make plans that far in advance." It was like a gut punch. I knew what he was saying, but denied the red flag. Instead, we dated for another month (but never went on that cabin trip). It eventually ended with the dreaded "I just want to be friends" call.

3. He's acting like sex and the single guy

He is doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants without taking you into consideration. He goes to a baseball game with a group of friends but doesn't include you. Or he suddenly ditches plans with you to go to a party solo. Or he mysteriously goes away for a weekend to "be alone."

Or maybe he's calling you at midnight to see if you're available to come over instead of going on an honest-to-goodness date. It could be that sex is the only thing that's working between you two. Sex is great, but if it's the only thing you have in common, then it's probably time to say, "Bye-bye." On the flip side, if your sex life has gone out the window completely, then it also may be time to call it quits. If you're becoming more pals than lovers, or if he's constantly tired, or not in the mood, it's time move on.

The truth is, if your guy is acting like this, then he's checked out while you're still checked in. Go check out a new, hot guy.

4. You've become a drama king and queen

Your relationship has turned into war games. You're lobbing insults, rude remarks, or are constantly in competition. Little things that used to bother him have now turned into colossal aggravations. It seems that everything you do annoys him. He belittles and nitpicks about your hair, your job, or that you're wearing too much makeup. He's constantly focusing on your faults instead of your fabulousness.

If he's picking fights with you and pushing your boundaries, he may be trying to see how far he can go before you walk. Walk away right now. Stop being the victim. End this war and move on to a more victorious life.

5. You don't trust him as far as you can throw him

You doubt his late nights, drown in his lies, and sense your dating life is no longer exclusive. He stops holding your hand. Your hot make out sessions have cooled into civil kisses. Or he can't stop flirting with the girl at the bar. His actions are speaking volumes. He's behaving badly for a reason -- he wants out.

Relationships are built through trust, and if you can't trust your guy anymore, then you need to take care of yourself and go find a man who's trustworthy and deserving of your love.

6. He's not the person you first met...and you're not the person you used to be

When you met, he was sweet and loved your family, you were incredibly fun and outgoing, and you both were adventurous risk-takers. You were the "power couple" that all your friends envied. Now he's telling you what to do and you're catering to his needs and abandoning your own. In the beginning, you couldn't get enough of each other and talked about everything. Now, your conversations are difficult and distant.

It could be that you've grown apart and don't share the same goals and values. Or you've both simply become unhappy. Or you're ships passing in the night, unable to find each other in the stormy sea.

If you're wondering where you're headed, it's straight to the nowheresville. Sail to a new shore and find a better man for you.

7. You know, but you're not listening

Maybe you've lost interest in each other and don't care where he goes, what he does, or even when you'll see him again. You don't even miss him when he goes camping for the weekend with his buddies. In fact, you feel relieved. Like you can finally breathe.

Or maybe you had a bad dream, where you were married and woke up in a cold sweat. I had that happen with a guy I was living with, but I ignored it. Finally, after the third wedding nightmare, I realized I didn't want to be with this person anymore and moved out.

So if you know deep down that it's time to move on, why aren't you leaving? Maybe it's because you're so deeply in it, you can't see your way out. Or you've invested so much time in the relationship; it's hard to let go. Or you've spent a lot of time daydreaming about being single but are afraid to take the leap.

You may feel that you're not ready to face what's happening or a future without him in it. But that's fear talking -- don't let it rule your life. If you keep trying to make the best of a losing situation, you'll eventually lose yourself in the end.

So listen to your instincts. Trust your gut. Stop investing your time and energy into a relationship that's not working. Admit your relationship is over and start taking care of you. It's time to break off this relationship and break through to a happier life. Healthy relationships require that we value our needs, wants, and most importantly, ourselves. Your partner should enhance you, not deplete you.

So take this opportunity to step out of this relationship and step into a life you truly desire. I know you can!

Source:- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/debra-rogers/7-signs-its-time-to-let-g_b_4482951.html

6 Steps to Finding New Love

If your relationship has ended, you might be nervous about dipping your feet in the dating pool. Or you might worry that you’ll never find love again. Maybe you’ve even assumed that you’re just unlucky when it comes to love.
Relationship and family therapist Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, often hears people say they’ve lost hope. But she wants individuals to know that it’s absolutely possible to find a fulfilling partnership. For instance, in her 25-year study of 373 married couples, Orbuch found that 71 percent of divorced singles found love again.
Also, love has very little to do with luck. In fact, “there is a method to the love madness,” said Orbuch, who’s also author of the recently published book Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship.

She believes in working from the inside out. Before pursuing a new relationship, Orbuch stresses the importance of working on your own beliefs, emotions, behaviors and sense of self. She helps readers do just that in Finding Love Again, along with offering tips on everything from first dates to building a strong relationship.
Below, Orbuch discussed her six steps for seeking and finding a great relationship.


1. Adjust your expectations.
“Forget everything you know about relationships,” Orbuch said. That’s because you might be holding onto certain relationship myths and unrealistic expectations, which can set you up for failure and frustration, she said. (Frustration also can eat away at your happiness, according to Orbuch.)
For instance, it’s unrealistic to think that your partner will automatically know what you want and need — even after many years of marriage, Orbuch said. In the beginning, people simply don’t know each other that well, while over the years, people naturally change, and so do their wants and needs. (Remember that no one is a mind reader. If you want or need something, Orbuch said, you have to ask for it.)
Another common myth is that there’s a specific amount of time you have to wait before you start dating. However, according to Orbuch, there’s no scientific evidence to substantiate a certain timeframe. “Everyone is different.” Some people are ready to date right after a relationship ends, while others need more time to heal, she said.

2. Start with a clean slate.
In her study, Orbuch found that divorced singles who didn’t feel anything for their ex were more likely to find love. “In order to find love again, you need to emotionally separate or detach from previous or past relationships,” she said.
Remaining emotionally attached to the past prevents you from being fully present — and trusting someone else — and keeps you trapped in a cycle of negativity, she said. Everyone has emotional baggage. The key is to make sure that your baggage isn’t too heavy, she said.
For instance, in the book, Orbuch includes a helpful quiz with questions such as: Do you still keep photos of your ex, compare others to them or visit their social media sites?
According to Orbuch, one way to become emotionally neutral is to release your emotions in healthy ways, such as engaging in physical activities and social events; volunteering; writing an honest letter to your ex (that you never send); and getting creative with activities such as painting, gardening and playing music. What also helps is to share your story with loved ones and seek their support, she said.

3. Shake up your routine.
Orbuch suggested making one small and simple change and committing to it for 21 days. In her study, she found that divorced singles who cut their work hours by at least one hour a day were more likely to find love. Changing your routine can open up new opportunities to meet people and even revise how you see yourself, according to Orbuch.

4. Discover the real you.
After your relationship ends, “you need to step back and re-examine you,” Orbuch said. Before you can determine if you’re compatible with someone, you need to know who you really are, she said.
Your past relationship probably shaped your personality and preferences in some way. You no doubt compromised, changed and accepted certain traits, she said.
As Orbuch writes in her book, “Singles who find a long-lasting, successful partnership have one trait in common: they put the focus on who they are and what they want, rather than worrying about what others will think.”
To find out who you are, define your key life values. What matters most to you? For instance, how important is faith, your job or your health?
Orbuch also suggested making a list of the qualities you’d like in your partner — and to be specific. For instance, as she writes in the book, by “funny,” do you mean you’d like your partner to have a dry sense of humor or tell jokes or something else entirely? Getting specific helps you reflect and consider the true qualities you’d like in a mate — and not waste your time, she writes.

5. Start dating.
Again, it’s important to be hopeful. The divorced singles in Orbuch’s study who were hopeful were much more likely to find love.
In the beginning of your relationship, you want to “disclose or share parts of yourself gradually,” Orbuch said. Don’t spill your guts right away. This might seem obvious, but many people do just that: They reveal everything immediately because they assume that if their date or partner doesn’t like what they hear, then it’s “Too bad,” and they’re on to the next person, she said.
But a lot of information is overwhelming for anyone, especially when it’s about topics like your ex, kids and finances, she said.
Don’t try to sell yourself, either, Orbuch said. Dating isn’t about winning someone’s approval; it’s about about finding out if you’re compatible.

6. Determine if you’re in the right relationship, and keep it strong.
When evaluating your relationship, Orbuch suggests considering the following: Do you think in terms of “we” or “I”? Do you trust each other? Do you share similar values? Do you handle conflict effectively?
To keep your relationship strong, “empty your pet peeves pail frequently,” she said. Small annoyances add up — and can damage your relationship — so talk to your partner about what bothers you.
Also, “make sure that you recognize and affirm each other frequently over time,” she said. It’s all too easy to put your relationship on the back burner when other people and tasks require your immediate attention, such as your kids, parents, jobs, health and finances, she said. But just a sweet phrase or small behavior can go a long way.

Source:- http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/23/6-steps-to-finding-new-love/

My Marriage Stinks.

My marriage stinks.

---

I need help.

My wife and I have been married for five years. Looking back on it, we probably rushed into marriage--we were both 23 at the time--but we were madly in love, and it seemed like the right choice. Our problems really began shortly afterwards. To be honest, I haven't really been happy for the last three or years, although I never really attributed this to my relationship.

Until now. Last night, she suggested that she is not satisfied with our relationship. She insists that she still loves me -- and she's dedicated to making it work -- but now I'm so angry that I'm not sure if I want to stick with it. She listed a set of "grievances," which are basically the perennial issues of our relationship. Here is her list: 

Marital Education Programs Help Keep Couples Together

In the United States, couples marrying for the first time have approximately a fifty percent chance of divorcing. Psychologists are helping couples' "I do" last a lifetime through development and application of scientifically tested relationship education programs.

Findings

The divorce rate in the United States has declined in recent years, but about half of people marrying for the first time still end up divorced. And for those that stayed married, many are in unhappy marriages, which research shows is a risk factor for poorer mental and physical health and is associated with an increased risk for relationship aggression. While altering the course of marriage is not an easy task, psychological research shows that researched-based marital education programs are effective in helping couples stay together and making unhappy marriages more satisfying.

Research begun in the 1970's by psychologists Howard Markman, PhD, John Gottman, PhD, and others found that the quality of interaction between husbands and wives was highly predictive of marital distress or divorce. The studies indicated that couples who interacted more negatively than other couples had marriages that that were in trouble or predicted future marital distress. Negative interaction is considered a dynamic behavior factor that couples can change to improve their odds of staying together. That contrasts with relatively static factors that are hard to change once married, including having divorced parents, marrying at a very young age and having a personality tendency to react strongly or defensively to problems and disappointments-all risk factors for marital distress.
Marital education programs that focus on the dynamic factors have been proven to strengthen marriages. One such program is the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP), created by Dr. Markman and his associates at the University of Denver's Center for Marital and Family Studies. PREP teaches couples communication and problem solving skills found to be linked to effective marital functioning, such as ground rules for handling conflict, forgiveness, speaker/listener techniques, and how to preserve and enhance fun, friendship and sensuality. Studies on the effectiveness of PREP find that couples that have participated in PREP are less likely to get divorced and have significantly higher levels of marital satisfaction. One long-term study on PREP found that couples who took the program before marriage had less negative interaction, more positive interaction, lower rates of relationship aggression, lower combined rates of breakup or divorce and higher levels of relationship satisfaction up to five years following the training (Markman, Floyd, Stanley, & Storaasli, 1988, Markman, Renick, Floyd, Stanley, & Clements, 1993). Studies on a German adaptation of PREP show that couples taking PREP had consistently more positive and less negative interaction at every assessment point after the training and at the five year point, couples taking PREP before marriage had a divorce rate of three percent compared to 16 percent for couples in the control group.

Significance

Serious marital conflict is a generic risk factor for a number of mental health problems for both children (e.g., conduct disorders) and adults (e.g., depression) and can also lead to physical health problems. Research on the prevention of marital distress had lead to the development of empirically based and tested programs that can help alter the course of marriage and prevent divorce.

Practical Application

The PREP program is successfully being used around the world with married and soon-to-be married couples. Dr. Markman and Scott Stanley, PhD, the other co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, have created three corporations to provide vehicles for the dissemination of training and products based on PREP and empirical marital research. Since 1989, the corporations have been actively training clergy, mental health professionals and lay leaders around the world. To date they have trained 6,876 individuals to become PREP Instructors in 28 countries. PREP has both secular and religious programs so it has the capacity to reach individuals in every segment of society.

Other research-based marital therapy programs that are strengthening marriages include Couples Communication and PAIRS. The Couples Communication Program was developed by psychologist Sherod Miller, PhD and colleagues at the University of Minnesota Family Study Center and is another program that focuses on how couples interact. The program involves use of an "awareness wheel" and "listening wheel" which allows couples to map out issues and help them become active listeners. More than 70 published studies demonstrate the positive effects of the program. To date over 600,000 couples worldwide have used the program since its development.
The PAIRS program - Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills created by Lori Gordon, PhD, focuses on emotional issues from couple's past, which shaped the way they act and react in relationships. The program teaches speaking, listening and problem solving skills. Research shows PAIRS is effective in all populations for which it has been adapted. PAIRS has relationship skills training programs for children and youth that are taught in schools, churches and agencies. PAIRS has program for the military for use by chaplains and family service workers. PAIRS also has a program taught by healthcare workers to populations needing the restorative power of a healthy and healing relationship. PAIRS is currently developing programs and program delivery systems for disadvantaged youth, unmarried families, single parents, domestic violence, prison parolees, and related groups who can benefit from relationship skills training.

This article is on the American Psychological Association's website. http://www.apa.org/research/action/marital.aspx

Whose Fault Is It?

This is a really good article.  Read, Digest and act upon it!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whose Fault Is It? 

 As a child, my parents always tried to blame the other person. They always tried to make the other parent the bad guy and as a child, this was really confusing to me. After years of trying to figure out which of them was truly at blame, I finally realized “it was 50/50.” That gave them both equal responsibility for all the chaos. This realization as a young adult was probably one of my most important. It gave me a lot of freedom. Now I did not have to waste any more energy trying to figure out who was right/wrong or good/bad. What the heck was the point anyway?

What good does it truly do anyone? I believe that subscribing to the 50/50 philosophy in relationships provides freedom. If you believe this, no one gets to be a victim. I truly believe there are no long-term true victims.

We are only victims of our choice not to be responsible for our lives. Even in the case of infidelity, there were still two people in the relationship. There may have even been some warning signs. In my aunt’s case, she had asked her husband numerous times to attend counseling and he would not. She then had an affair. Was the end of the relationship both of their faults? I believe it was. They both played a role in the demise an affair is a symptom, not a cause and encourage parents not to blame the divorce on the affair. I want to be clear, I am not saying that affairs are OK, but usually, if you look deeply, both parties had some role in not nurturing the relationship in healthy ways.

The bottom line on all of this is that you chose the other person you were in a relationship with for some reason. It is time now to choose to be responsible for your half of the successes and failures. It does not mean you are a failure, just that the relationship between the two of you was not successful on some level.  You can learn from this and the learning you get, can make this a success.  I firmly believe that. 

Relationships take work on the part of both people. Taking responsibility is a road to freedom. It frees us from victimhood, which can keep us seriously stuck. If you are stuck, look at why you may be choosing to stay stuck. If you are still not co-parenting well after years of separation and/or divorce, please take a look at yourself and ask why you are doing this.

Your choosing to stay stuck in this anger and pain can be so detrimental to your children. Your child will do as well as you do. When you are upset, it causes stress for your child. When you are stuck in your anger and sadness, you are not available for your child. Your child needs your love and attention. If they don’t get it, they will act out or suffer in some way. If you are exhibiting this type of stuck behavior, your child will be acting out in some way. If they are not acting out now, your child will probably be feeling internal pain that will manifest in some form later in their life.

You have either chosen the divorce or it was chosen for you. Realize that in some way you had a role in the choice. You do not have to blame yourself, just take responsibility. Make a choice now to let the anger go and choose a new life for yourself and your child. You deserve this. The path to freedom is to move into the future.  Choose to move into the freedom you deserve. From this place you will be able to step onto the road that will lead you to happiness and fulfillment in your life, if that is what you want.

If you don’t want it for you, please, I ask you to want it for your children. You will assist them in having a life of happiness and fulfillment. You will then be being the best possible parent for your child of divorce. This is the greatest gift you can give to your child. 

Source:- http://www.mediate.com/articles/RiosPS2.cfm

What Are Friends for? An Example of a Pending Divorce

A marriage is a very strange thing in a way as people, including friends and relatives, don't really believe that marriages can fail.

This statement is related to those who are friends and relatives who observe the behaviour of marriage partners they know.

An example of this is when a male partner, after many years of marriage, says he is unhappy and, lo and behold, moves out not long after. Fortunately, in this example, the female partner had been overly miserable for years but never had the guts to do anything about it.