Advice For Cheaters And Their Partners

If you have repeatedly cheated, or are the partner of a cheater and can't seem to forgive or break off the unhealthy relationship, Dr. Phil has advice.

Cheaters:

Look at the statistics.The chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry, and all the baggage that comes with that. Add to that managing your ex and going through possible custody battles for children. Is it worth it?

Think of the children.If you have children and you are cheating on your spouse, your children will suffer. You are turning their lives upside down, fracturing their family unit and destroying their peace and harmony.

Think ahead to what the courts might think of you as a parent. You may think your partner wouldn't fight you on custody, but people change when they get into a divorce court. Your spouse might just decide that the person who stole his/her partner will not steal the children as well. If you enter the divorce arena in the midst of infidelity, you have put your children in play. Again, ask yourself, is it worth it? 

If the person you are having an affair with is married with children, ask yourself, "What right do I have to fracture his/her family unit in which innocent children are growing every day, just to feed my need?"

Be honest with yourself.Is the unfaithfulness over with? Moving forward, do you absolutely and unequivocally have nothing to hide? You'll never get past this until you start being drop-dead honest. Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you don't think you can stop on your own, get professional help. 

Be honest with your partner.
By not being honest with yourself and your partner, you're doing nothing but perpetuating the deception. If you know that you will continue to be unfaithful, and if you really care about your partner, you will let him/her go and get yourself some help. 

Accept responsibility.
Have the decency to tell your spouse in all honesty and candor that you own your choices. You're the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch. This had nothing to do with your partner. If you want to fix your marriage, you have to accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to earn your partner's trust back one step at a time. 

Assess your commitment level.Are you committed enough to your partner in order to do the work necessary in order to repair the relationship? However long it takes to get this relationship back on the road, is however long you need to work at it. 

Behave your way to success.
Keep in mind, you can no longer be in contact with the person you were having an affair with. Avoid the places you know he/she frequents, change your phone numbers, and if you're unsure of your strength in staying away from him/her, then move. If you're so out of control that you're like a moth to a flame, then get away from the candle!

Turn toward your partner.When your life or relationship becomes rocky and affects your sexual relationship, that is the time you should turn toward your partner, not away from him/her because of your sexual needs. 

Re-engineer your life.If you are a sex addict, and you really want to change this, it's not a quick fix. It's an entire reengineering of your life, values, beliefs, thoughts, conduct and emotions. It's about deconstructing your life, and reconstructing your future. Unless you get professional help, you're going to continue to victimize everybody who you touch because you're controlled by your impulses rather than your values.

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If You Are Being Cheated On:

Get real.
The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. What do you predict? If your partner has cheated on you repeatedly and now swears he/she will stop, what are the chances that this is true? You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Isn't there a point at which you say, "I deserve better. My children deserve better. He/She may not have any boundaries, but I do. And my boundaries say, 'You either treat me with integrity, dignity and respect or you don't treat me at all'?" Stand up for yourself and for your children. You've given your power away and you've got to get it back.

This is not your fault.
Stop beating yourself up about this. You have got to know that this has nothing to do with you. You are not the one who made the decision to break your commitment to your partner and cheat. You have nothing to do with your partner making the immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from you to someone else.

What is your payoff?
Do you want to get past this? Or is there a payoff you receive from the situation? Do you enjoy playing the victim or subjecting your partner to a life sentence? Do you fear that if you forgive a partner who truly is remorseful and has changed his/her behavior that you are "letting them get away with it?" 

Assess your commitment level.
You can either handle being vulnerable with your partner again or you can't. And if you can't, you need to get out of this relationship and move on. And if you can, then you need to let him/her earn the trust back and start putting this relationship together again.

Consider the consequences.
If you have children, your decision will affect them as well. You do have responsibility here for what you do next. You have to make a decision about whether or not justice is best served by allowing your partner to re-earn your trust, or if it's better not to subject your family any longer to the current situation. 

Decide if you can choose to forgive.Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what your partner did is OK. How much you trust your partner is in part about what your partner does, and in part a function of whether you have confidence to handle it if he/she disappoints you. If you find out that he/she strays again, can you handle that? 

If you can't forgive, let go.
When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. If you continue to throw this in your partner's face, you will eventually run him/her off. Ask yourself if this is going to be a life sentence for your partner. Can you heal from this and forgive? If not, don't continue to live in anger and/or be with someone who causes you pain. 

Source:- http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/127

8 Myths That Could Kill Your Relationship

If you think relationships don't take hard work or that passion shouldn't fade if you're really in love, think again. Credit: Dreamstime View full size image

There are hundreds of myths about relationships, according to Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, a Michigan clinical psychologist and author of "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great" (Delacorte Press, 2009). The problem with persistent myths is that they can erode a relationship's happiness, she said.

When you think a relationship should be a certain way, and yours isn't, frustration sets in. And "frustration is the number one thing that eats away at a relationship," Orbuch said, and "it's directly tied to these myths."

That's why it's so critical to bust the below misconceptions. So without further ado, here are eight myths about relationships that might surprise you.

1. Myth: A good relationship means that you don't have to work at it.
Fact: "The strongest most enduring relationships take lots of hard work," said Lisa Blum, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena and Los Angeles, who specializes in emotionally focused therapy with couples. She believes that our culture, education system and parenting styles don't prepare us for the fact that even good relationships take effort.

She likened a healthy relationship to a good garden. "It's a beautiful thing but you wouldn't expect it to thrive without a whole lot of labor and TLC."

But how do you know if you're working too hard on a relationship? One sign, according to Blum, is if you're feeling unhappy more than you're happy. In other words, are you spending more time tending to the relationship and keeping it afloat than enjoying it?

This unhappiness becomes less of a rough patch, and more like the "normal state of affairs," she said.

Another bad sign is if you're trying hard to make improvements and changes, but you don't see the same level of effort on your partner's part. "There has to be some sense of 'we're trying really hard, both making changes and that's making a difference.'"

On the flip side, if both of you are trying and you can see positive changes being made at least some of the time, then that's a good sign, Blum said.

2. Myth: If partners really love each other, they know each other's needs and feelings.

Fact: "It's a setup to expect your partner to be able to read your mind," Blum said — because when you anticipate that your partner will know your wants, that's essentially what you're doing. We develop this expectation as kids, she said. But "as adults, we're always responsible for communicating our feelings and needs."

And once you've communicated your needs and feelings, "a better measure of the quality of your relationship" is whether your partner actually listens to your words. [5 Communication Pitfalls and Pointers for Couples ]

3. Myth: If you're truly in love, passion will never fade.

Fact: Thanks to movies and romantic novels, we assume that if we genuinely love someone, "the passion, urging and loving" never go away. And if they do disappear, then "it must not be the right relationship" or "our relationship [must be] in trouble," Orbuch said. However, passion naturally diminishes in all relationships.

Daily routines are one of the culprits, Blum said. As their responsibilities grow and roles expand, couples have less and less time and energy for each other.

But this doesn't mean that the passion is gone for good. With a little planning and playfulness, you can boost passion. Blum sees many relationships where passion is alive and well. "Passionate sex is a byproduct of sustained emotional intimacy along with a continuing sense of adventure and exploration and sense of playfulness." Orbuch also has emphasized the importance of couples doing new things to perk up their relationships (see her specific advice).

And when it comes to passion-squashing routines, Blum suggested couples ask themselves: "How do we tame our lives sufficiently that we can make time for each other and have energy left for each other?"

4. Myth: Having a child will strengthen your relationship or marriage.

Fact: Studies have shown that relationship happiness actually decreases with every child, she said. This doesn't mean that you start loving each other less or that you won't bond at all over your child, Orbuch said. But the mounting challenges can complicate relationships.

Having realistic expectations helps couples prepare themselves for their new roles, she said. When you think that a child will improve your relationship, it only adds to the complications.

As Orbuch said, "'should' statements don't allow you to see what the other person is doing to strengthen and manage the relationship," and these expectations "cloud your judgment." She recommended planning ahead and talking about the changes that will occur when you have your first child or more kids.

5. Myth: Jealousy is a sign of true love and caring.

Fact: Jealousy is more about how secure and confident you are with yourself and your relationship (or the lack thereof), she said. Take the following example: If you have a jealous partner, you might try to show them how much you care so they don't get jealous. But you soon realize that any amount of caring isn't a cure for their jealous reactions.

While you can be supportive, according to Orbuch, your partner must work on their insecurity issues on their own. "No matter what you do, you can't make your partner feel more secure" or "change their self-confidence."

Trying to make your partner jealous also can backfire. While men and women are just as likely to experience jealousy, their reactions differ. Men either get very defensive or angry, believing that the relationship isn't worth it, Orbuch said. Women, on the other hand, respond by trying to improve the relationship or themselves.

6. Myth: Fights ruin relationships.

Fact: In actuality, what ruins relationships is not resolving your fights, Blum said. "Fights can be really healthy, and an important form of communication and clearing the air."

Also, the type of fight a couple has plays a role. Not surprisingly, nasty, scornful or condescending fights that leave couples resolution-less and not talking for days damage the relationship. Productive conflicts that help the relationship end with "some mutual decision about how to manage this disagreement," Blum said. (Here's help on improving your communication and becoming a better listener and speaker.)

7. Myth: In order for the relationship to be successful, the other partner must change.

Fact: Many times we're very good at the blame game and not so good at pondering how we can become better partners. Instead, we demand that our partners make such and such changes.

Unless, there are extreme circumstances like abuse or chronic infidelity, Blum said, it takes two to make changes.

But even more than that, it's up to you to figure out what you can do. While this seems "simple and obvious," 100 percent of the couples Blum sees point the finger.

"It's a profound mental shift to look at what can I do [and] what changes can I make."

8. Myth: Couples therapy means your relationship is really in trouble.

Fact: By the time couples seek therapy, this may be true, but changing this mindset is key. Most couples seek therapy "when they've been suffering for a really long time," Blum said. "What elements were good in the relationship are destroyed."

Instead, Blum suggested that people view couples therapy as preventative. This way, a couple comes in when they've been stuck on one or two conflicts for a few months, "not five or six over the last 10 years."

This article was provided to LiveScience by PsychCentral.

Source:- http://www.livescience.com/15610-myths-kill-relationship-satisfaction.html.

          

Six Questions To Consider In Choosing A Life Partner

I've long felt that choosing a life partner should be a subject that is thoroughly discussed sometime in high school and perhaps even in university.

It amazes me that so little time, if any, is given to considering this topic on a meaningful level in school. Near as I can tell, it's probably the single most important decision that all of us can make. My take is that most people who get married in modern society don't have the foresight and life experience needed to make the best possible choice. I'm sure that some people do think things out to a degree that would make Dr. Phil and Oprah proud, but from my little spot on the planet, it looks like most of us, myself included, rely mainly on our instincts to choose the one person we want to be with forever.

And why wouldn't we? Society teaches us that love is what matters. Love is the only thing that matters. And what is love? Isn't it that special feeling that occupies your thoracic cavity and makes you feel blissfully alive?

Well, here are some thoughts that I would like my loved ones to consider in choosing a life partner: Do you like him? To me, it's not about if you love him. It's if you actually like him. The challenge is in knowing if what you are feeling is genuine like as opposed to fool's like, which I think is really just a symptom of being intoxicated with lust (which I don't have anything against - I just wouldn't recommend choosing a life partner with fool's like being a primary source of fuel to maintain a healthy relationship).

How do you know if you genuinely like and admire him? Ask yourself if you would want your child or future child to marry someone like him. And in answering this question, think about how he consistently behaves, not what he says.

As most of us know, feelings of "being in love" come and go. I wouldn't want to rely on such feelings to keep my life partnership healthy and intact. Much better, I think, to have a foundation of genuine like in place. Because ultimately, we want to spend our time with those we genuinely like. Why do you like her? Being drop dead gorgeous, having a trust fund, and taking good care of you are all weak reasons to like someone. They belong in the what she can do for me category, which includes the need-to-have-a-trophy-partner-by-my-side-so-that-I-feel-less-like-the-troll-that-lives-deep-within-me reason. Not a very solid foundation. 

She can make you laugh your socks off? You admire the way she treats others, especially in instances when she is unaware that you are aware of what she is doing? She inspires you to strengthen your character? You respect her work ethic? Here and there, she blows you away with her thoughts? Now we're talking about some power fuel to sustain feelings of respect, genuine like, and even adoration for a lifetime.

Do you have the same basic attitudes and beliefs about religion? Specifically, do both of you have about the same tolerance level for other people's beliefs? If not, think carefully about how this might affect the way that you feel about raising your children together. Speaking of children... Do both of you have similar feelings on having or not having children? If both of you want to have children, do you have a good inkling of what type of parent your partner would make? 

Are you relatively clear on how much time you would like to spend with parents, siblings, relatives, and friends on both sides of your family? If you're the type that would absolutely love having your parents in their golden years living next door or at least in the same town, I would suggest making this perfectly clear and asking your potential life partner to give this careful consideration and letting you know how it sits with him or her. I imagine that very few life experiences can create more sorrow than not being able to spend time with your loved ones or, on the other side of the fence, being forced to spend time with people who make it clear through their behavior that they don't cherish you.

Do you have similar money values? What do both of you like to spend your money on? Do you spend the bulk of your money on things or experiences? How much do you spend on items and experiences that aren't essential to your survival? How much do you like to save? *** Those are the big ones for me. They're the issues that rise above the inevitable squabbles that accompany all life partnerships and float around in potential deal-breaker territory. To be clear, if you just don't like who the other person is (not as obvious as you'd think or hope in the honeymoon phase), if you don't really laugh together, if you don't have the same basic attitudes about religion, having children, raising children, other family members, close friends, and money, you have one or more deal-breakers staring you in the face. And people who genuinely care for you won't want to hear "but I love him." Because they'll be able to see what you can't see in the moment; that what you have isn't the kind of love that can sustain a healthy life partnership; it's something else that will probably make you want to punch yourself in the face a few times every day for the rest of your life beginning in the near future.

Okay, I'm getting carried away, but hopefully, my thoughts on this topic are clear. And for sure, they're just my thoughts, things that I hope my loved ones consider before they choose to get married, should they decide that marriage is for them. Earlier this morning, I asked those who follow our facebook page to share their tips on choosing a life partner.

Choose your best friend, choose someone you respect, be super careful - these are the recurring pieces of advice that I see in the many responses. Please feel free to browse through them and even add your own here: What would you share with your child, grandchild, nephew, or niece about choosing a life partner? If this is a topic that is on your mind and heart at the moment, I think you'll find value in the following passage from one of my favorite authors, Kent Nerburn: Kent Nerburn on Marriage

Hope this collection of thoughts on choosing a life partner is useful to someone out there. 

 Source:- http://drbenkim.com/thoughts-choosing-life-partner

How To End Up With The Right Partner

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Once you know what to watch out for, you can't get fooled.

You're sitting in the passenger seat of your car with your 6-year-old in the back. Her whimpering has turned to frightened sobbing; your blood is boiling. Your disagreeable spouse, at the wheel, has been ranting for 15 minutes, far too loudly for the confines of the car. He’s been complaining that you care more about your job than your family, that you're always late, that you leave the house a mess, and simply don’t have your act together.

This is appalling to you. You wouldn’t dream of treating a mouse running loose in your home with such abuse. Yet your spouse—your “lover”—feels entitled to bully you, and your young daughter, in this way.

You ask yourself: “How did I ever get trapped in this marriage?!”

To help you avoid ever landing in this scenario, I’m going to answer this question in three parts: The first pertains to our poor selection of a mate. The second involves a lack of revising our views as we get to know the person better. And the third describes how the person tries to manipulate us into staying.

1. Choosing Mr. or Ms. Wrong

Around the globe, young men and women have listed attraction and love as the top criteria for marriage, ranking it above personality traits (1). However, research suggests that the most happily married people are those who, regardless of what they think they want, simply end up with spouses who have excellent personality traits. In particular, a spouse’s emotional stability and agreeableness have been clearly linked to marital and sexual satisfaction (2). Surprise, surprise—it’s better to have a warm, cooperative mate than an unstable, disagreeable one!

You may be thinking that the spouses with excellent traits sound boring. You want someone very attractive and interesting, and believe you're willing to put up with some moodiness or arrogance to have that attraction. But consider how these arrogant, moody individuals derive attention: They are only sporadically emotionally or physically available, which gives the impression that access to them is a scarce and thus valuable resource (see below). Their love and good moods must be earned, a process that holds at bay any objective evaluation of their character.

I suspect that what many decent people in such relationships or marriages don’t realize, until they have endured a very long stretch of unfairness, is that their arrogant partner entered the relationship expecting special consideration. Much like in a dating relationship in which the party who desires the other more must accommodate the other’s wishes, the arrogant spouse assumes you will do more than half the work to compensate for your lower desirability. Their expectation sounds unreasonable, but arrogant people are image builders not truth-seekers.

2. Focusing on the Positive Obscures the Truth

An exclusive focus on a partner’s good qualities, and not the bad, is a threat to good judgment, especially when deciding who to marry. Consider what Walter Mischel observed regarding how people judged whether a given person had a certain personality trait (4). He found that they would recall and string together examples of that person’s behavior across time that were highly representative of that specific trait—yet they would fail to notice contradictory examples. This is why he concluded that we see other people as more consistent than they really are. For instance, in determining whether a friend is caring, we might think back to when she brought us chicken noodle soup when we were sick, lent us money to pay the rent, or threw a surprise party on our 21st birthday. And once we think of her as very caring, we may simply overlook her other, uncaring behaviors.

Imagine a prospective wife who imagines that her boyfriend is a very good person—good enough to marry. Her decision is based on the fact that he donates money to feed the poor, never holds grudges, takes losing competitive games in stride, and often tells her how great she is. But she downplays that time he very aggressively berated her for talking to him while he was on the phone with a client. It was an honest mistake, but it left her walking on eggshells during his phone calls for months.

Imagine, too, a prospective husband who thinks his girlfriend is an angel for always doing his laundry, leaving him sweet notes and small presents, cooking his favorite meals, and giving him long leisurely back rubs. But she was no angel that time he came through the front door a couple of hours late from work. She rushed out from the dark bedroom with her arms crossed and a look of fury on her face. Pointing a finger one inch from his nose, she screamed so loudly that neighbors down the hall could hear her accusing him of cheating with that “slut” co-worker. The next day she was sweetly smiling and apologetic. She explained that she was not her usual self the previous night because she’d had a bad headache. He forgave her, and they had fantastic “make-up sex.” He felt more in love with her than ever.

I would argue that neither the girlfriend nor the boyfriend in these scenarios is decent enough to marry. In each case, the person demeaned his or her lover. If the roles were reversed, you would never belittle anyone! Your worst headache might make you a bit short with the person, but never insulting. Their belittling behavior (including the use of the word “slut”—which a humble person would not use) signals their arrogance, a trait tied to deception and exploitation (5).

You can never be sure if a romantic partner is decent enough to marry, but you can tell when they are not good enough from belittling acts like these.

3. The Arrogant Won’t Let You Go

When you try to dump the person after an outburst like the one described above, he or she might argue that they said they were sorry and it was only one mistake. But while a humble person acknowledges your right to leave and does not interfere with it, the arrogant person has an image to defend. They might say many things to make you feel guilty, to manipulate you into staying—for example, they might remind you how much they "sacrificed" to be with you. Don’t let such comments get to you—the arrogant partner may well have a contingency plan with other people waiting in the wings if things don’t work out with you.

They might also ask, “Whatever happened to unconditional positive regard?” (or words to that effect). But remember that evaluating the character of your partner is what you are supposed to be doing before marrying the person. You can respond, “Yes, I was wondering that myself when you were so out-of-line with your outburst. If you had done that on our first date, I would never have gone on a second one with you. Anyhow, the fact that you are trying to make me feel guilty to keep me from leaving is in itself an outrage.”

How to Proceed

To keep from ending up with an arrogant, deceptive, or exploitative spouse, cast a broad net. There are so many single people out there, especially on internet dating sites—you have no excuse for settling for the gummy worms on the kitchen counter when you can find a golden apple elsewhere.

What you're looking for is humility—and what you're avoiding is arrogance. The trait of humility is a must-have that undergirds sincerity and the promise of a fair marriage. Looking through this lens, you might find it easy to screen out arrogant people on sites like eHarmony, where respondents are asked hundreds of questions, such as whether it’s okay for women to propose marriage or become priests. If they say no, it may beg the question of why only men would be entitled to do those things.

You can’t be sure a person is humble; but when you encounter even one stunningly arrogant act, that may be you need to see to reject the hope that they are. Finally, don’t waste time after you see that hideous haughtiness. Yes, you are going to get grief from the arrogant person for dumping him or her, but that should simply give you the strength of confirmation to make sure the break is clean.

When you do find that sincere, humble, fair-minded person, you might be shocked to discover how sexy he or she is. It might be overwhelming to finally share a passion based on discovering the person in front of you—free from the conventional gender roles and judgments. There is nothing to fear, however, because the formula for communicating remains simple: You always mean what you say.

Source:- www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight/201404/how-end-the-right-partner

"Paul…I Am Divorcing You"

A WOMAN let her husband know their marriage is over by posting a message on the sign outside their local pub asking for divorce.

A woman let her husband know she wanted a divorce on a bar sign [WALES NEWS SERVICE]

The wife persuaded the manager of Noah's Yard in Swansea to change the shopfront sign to say 'Paul…I am divorcing you' and it was displayed on Saturday.

The unnamed woman then text her husband to ask him to read the sign which she said left him "furious".

The woman, who is a regular at the bar in South Wales, said she wanted to name and shame her husband after he allegedly had an affair. 

She said: "I was angry and upset so wanted a sign to go up for everyone to see.

The woman said she wanted to name and shame her husband after he allegedly had an affair [WALES NEWS SERVICE]

I was angry and upset so wanted a sign to go up for everyone to see

The unnamed woman

"When I found out I went through a mixture of emotions but felt angry and wanted him to pay.

"I had a drink in the bar last week and decided to get my own back.

"We have been together for years and it is so sad it has come to this. I am absolutely devastated and going through a really tough time at the moment.

"A lot of my friends and family have seen it and have been supporting me.

"I did feel a bit better once the sign went up. I wanted to name and shame him."

Last year the woman had used a bar sign to propose to her husband [WALES NEWS SERVICE]

The message was changed today to "Btw…I am keeping the dog" and comes a year after she asked him to marry her through another bar sign message.

Bar owner Noah Redfern said the magnetic sign outside is often used to support causes in the community and the area's sports team.

However, Mr Redfern said this is the first time that they had been asked to post a message signalling the end of a marriage.

He said: "Maybe this will become a new way of asking for a divorce! 

"We have had a lot of interest in it from customers who have been asking about the story behind the sign." 

Local resident Linda Davies added: "Good on her. If my husband ever cheated on me then I would string him up by his privates.

"Maybe he thought he could get away with sleeping around but I bet he is regretting it now."

Source:- http://www.express.co.uk/news/weird/445278/Paul-I-am-divorcing-you-Woman-lets-husband-know-marriage-is-over-with-bar-sign-message

Throwaway Attitude ?

In the wake of a very high profile celebrity divorce case here in the UK, I was asked to speak on a handful of mid-morning BBC radio stations on their case and the general topic of divorce and domestic abuse.

I was asked several times whether people threw the towel in on their marriages quicker than had happened in the past. Prior to my research on the subject, I would have said that as a society (Western world anyway) we have embraced an almost throwaway attitude towards things like our mobile phones, old computers, TVs and so on. We can replace and upgrade their spec in a heartbeat and it is possible that we’ve transported that same attitude into our marriages.

It’s more likely, however, that with a spiraling population with enormous financial pressures on their shoulders to keep up with the Joneses’ that the value of that most precious of institutions may have slipped through our fingers a tad.

I think more emphasis on the work/life balance in favor of life and subsequent better communication will help us to hold onto the good and overcome the bad.

Is it time to book a day off and give your faltering marriage one last shot? Believe me, walking away from anything with your hands held high, saying you’ve done all you can, will bring you comfort in the future.

Source:- http://divorcedandscarednomore.com/throwaway-attitude/?fb_ref=Default

Women Are More Likely To Initiate Divorce, But Not Dating Breakups

constraining, oppressive, uncomfortable and controlling.......mmmm interesting

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Credit: NotarYES | Shutterstock.com

Women are more likely than men to initiate divorce in the United States, but they are no more likely than men to initiate breakups in a dating relationship, a new study finds.

"The breakups of nonmarital heterosexual relationships in the U.S. are quite gender-neutral and fairly egalitarian," study author Michael Rosenfeld, an associate professor of sociology at Stanford University, said in a statement. "This was a surprise because the only prior research that had been done on who wanted the breakup was research on marital divorces."

Previous research had found that women are more likely to initiate divorce, at least in the United States, Europe and Australia. In the new study, Rosenfeld compared divorces to nonmarital breakups, in an effort to understand the driving forces behind each type of breakup. [

To investigate, he looked at data from the 2009 to 2015 waves of How Couples Meet and Stay Together, a nationally representative survey spearheaded by Rosenfeld and his colleagues. The new study includes 2,262 adults, ages 19 to 64, who reported having opposite-sex partners in 2009. By 2015, 371 of the participants had broken up or gotten divorced.

Women initiated 69 percent of the 92 divorces, Rosenfeld found. But there was no statistically significant difference between women and men when it came to nonmarital breakups, regardless of whether they were living together, he said.  

The Science Of Breakups: 7 Facts About Splitsville

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When love goes sour, the fallout can be severe — just check out the song list of any Taylor Swift album.

But what does science have to say about the emotional aftermath of breakups? It turns out that just like relationships themselves,separations can be complicated. How people respond depends on factors like how they felt about the relationship in the first place, how entwined their self-image was with their partner's and even how their partner reacts on social media.

Here are the cold, hard facts about splitsville.

1. Breakups are predictable

Ever been through one of those breakups where you were the last person to see it coming? It may sting when your friends nod knowingly when you tell them you're single, but here's even worse news: Science probably could have given you a warning, too.

A 2010 study published in the journal Psychological Science asked 222 volunteers, all of whom were in relationships, to say their partners' names and then give two words they felt were related to them.

Next, the researchers did a test of implicit association, which uncovers feelings people might not even admit to themselves. They paired the partner-related words with either positive words (e.g., "gift") or with negative words ("death") and asked the participants to press a button either when the word was linked to a positive or to a negative.

The idea is that if a person feels positively about the word they gave about their partner, they will be faster to press the positive button when the word is linked to positive words. If they feel negatively, they will be quicker to press the button when the word is linked to negative words.

It turned out that the people who were faster to link their partner-related vocabulary to negative words were also more likely to split up over the next year than people who  were faster to link their partner descriptions with positive words, the researchers found. This was true even when controlling for relationship satisfaction and conflict. 

"This suggests that the earliest seeds of relationship decay might be found within attitudes that subjects might be unaware of or are unable or unwilling to report," the researchers wrote.

2. Breakups are about identity

The more committed a couple, the more that each person's sense of self begins to overlap their partner's, according to a 2010 paper in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. A series of studies — relying on surveys and daily diaries — found that a breakup can disrupt a person's sense of self, leaving them adrift.

College students who'd been through a breakup were more likely to use words like "confuse" and "bewilder" in daily diary entries than those who hadn't, the researchers found. They were also more emotionally distressed than people who hadn't lost their relationships, according to a six-month survey in which students filled out questionnaires each week. Notably, the less clear the students felt about their own self-concept, the more distressed they were after a breakup.

"Couples may not only come to complete each others' sentences; they may actually come to complete each others' selves," the researchers wrote. "When these relationships end, individuals experience not only pain over the loss of the partner, but also changes in their selves."

3. Dwelling might be healthy

The post-breakup ritual is sacrosanct: Ice cream, pajamas, sappy movies.

A little bit of wallowing may be a good thing. When researchers asked recently single people to participate in intensive sessions exploring their feelings about the breakups, they found that these individuals actually recovered better than people who participated in just a few short sessions. The results, reported in 2015 in the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science, were somewhat counterintuitive.

"At first glance, it might seem like repeatedly reminding participants that they had just broken up — and asking them to describe the breakup over and over — might delay recovery," study researcher Grace Larson of Northwestern University said in a statement. But instead, Larson said, lingering for a while in a self-reflection phase appears to help people put the past behind them.

4. But don't dwell too much

Thinking about a breakup might be beneficial, but try not to torture yourself. Research finds that obsessively checking Facebook to see what your ex is up to is probably not a good idea.

In a study of about 500 mainly college-age women, researchers found that those who spent more time checking their ex's Facebook page were more likely to report experiencing distress, negativity and longing for their partner, and less likely to experience personal growth after a split. It's hard to tell from the research whether the Facebook stalking was causing the distress or vice versa, but the social media site didn't show any sign of helping, according to the study published in September 2012 in the journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking.

However, defriending an ex might backfire: People who weren't Facebook friends with their ex were just as bad off as the obsessive Facebook stalkers, the study also found. Cutting off all contact with an ex might shroud his or her life in appealing mystery, the researchers suggested, whereas occasional exposure to boring status updates might bring the ex's memory off a pedestal.

5. It's hard to let go

If you just can't shake a breakup, don't beat yourself up. Romantic rejection is not unlike kicking an addiction, according to 2010 research in Journal of Neurophysiology.

The researchers looked at people who had recently experienced a breakup and who said they were still in love with their exes. The participants underwent brain scans while looking at photographs of their former flames, as well as photographs of other friends and acquaintances. 

When looking at their lost love, the volunteers showed brain activity in a region called the ventral tegmental area, which sits in the midbrain. This area is known to be activated when people are in love, and in situations involving motivation and reward. Other reward- and addiction-centered areas, including the nucleus accumbens in the forebrain, also became more active. 

The good news is that the strength of the activity faded with time, the researchers reported. No matter how stubbornly the brain holds on, it eventually lets go.

6. It differs by gender

Anyone can experience heartbreak. Still, how you experience it might depend, in part, on your gender.

Women report higher levels of emotional pain, anguish and even physical pain after a breakup than men, according to a 2015 paper in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences. For example, on a 10-point scale of pain, women rated their post-breakup anguish at 6.84, on average, compared with 6.58 in men. More than 5,000 people in 96 countries participated in the study, which included gay as well as straight respondents.

7. It might not be as bad as you think

However you slice it, breakups are rarely easy. But there's a silver lining: We often overestimate how bad they'll be.

People bounce back from breakups about twice as fast as they'd expect, and they aren't nearly as devastated by the relationship loss as they predicted they'd be, according to a 2008 study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

The researchers tracked 70 undergrads in relationships over time, asking them weekly about their relationship status. Some of these questions had to do with how the person expected to feel if their relationship ended. People expected it would take about 20 weeks to emotionally recover, on average.

But among the 26 people who did experience breakups during the study period, it actually took about 10 weeks to get back into the groove, the researchers found. And people's actual distress was much lower than they'd predicted before the relationship went south. 

"Life goes on in the wake of a breakup," study researcher Paul Eastwick of Northwestern University told Live Science at the time. "And when you're making your predictions, you aren't thinking about all the things that could be positive that might happen in the next week or two."

Source:- http://www.livescience.com/51946-science-of-breakups.html