Thursday 18 December 2014

Dating After Divorce

Celibacy is one thing after a long relationship, but jumping back into the dating game after having been to the altar is quite another.

A few important guidelines should be followed in order to achieve a successful return to the world of dating and mating. You need not follow them to the tee, but they will help make the transition easier.
You have to get your dating muscle in shape by preparing during the last stages of your divorce, for when you're finally single and getting into your first relationship.
last stages of the divorceThe last leg of the divorce process involves settling all the paperwork and getting things in order. As the divorce is not final, you must be sure to behave and keep your pecker tucked away.

Having romantic encounters during the last stages of your official and final separation can have disastrous effects on the divorce.
It's a good idea to avoid dating altogether before the divorce is finalized. Not only will it save you some explanation in court as to why you were eager as a beaver, but it will also speed up the process and set you free in no time. You wouldn't want a fling to taint your image in court during the last stages of the divorce; especially if she's asking for the Beemer.
single once again. Now that you're officially divorced, single and ready to get going, you have to tie up loose ends. If you still talk to your ex on the weekends to catch up with each other, maybe you shouldn't. If you still have most of your clothes at her place, even after you've moved out, then you should pack it all up for good. The papers might be finalized, but you have to treat whatever is left of the relationship the same way. It's impossible to let go and hold on at the same time.

On the other hand, there's no need to rush into new women. You're the only one that knows when you're ready to put on your John Travolta dancing shoes and your Don Juan sex appeal. Take the time to do things right — at the right time — and you won't have to do them over and over again.
Your first instinct may be to stay away from anyone that reminds you of your ex-wife, but you don't need to stress over this. Moving on with your life does not mean forgetting about that part of your life. After all, you did have some good times together; don't forget them.

Starting over...

the first relationship
Once again, the most important aspect at this point is to not rush into anything, and don't let others push you into dating prematurely. The last thing you want is to go out and find a carbon copy of your ex-wife, and start the same mistake all over again. By the same token, don't make it a point to find someone who's the exact opposite either.

Make sure it feels right and for heaven's sake, don't simply date to wage revenge on your ex. Nobody likes going on an emotional roller coaster ride.
Remember that this first relationship is the best time to get your feet wet in the eternal pursuit of skirts. But more than that, the first serious relationship will be like tasting candy for the first time as a child. Everything might seem inconsequential; and in a way, that's how you should view it. Look at it as the learning experience that will thrust you back into the game.
On the flip side, this first relationship is where all the healing takes places. Remember that no matter how willing you are to jump back into the waters, only time will tell how ready you really are.
new & improved you
Now, some physical changes are in order. I'm not talking about getting a facial, streaks in your hair and a manicure, but the time does call for some changes. Join a gym, or start going regularly if you already have a membership. (You know how men let themselves go when they're in a serious relationship.) You should also watch what you eat, and buy yourself some flattering new clothes that make you look good.

If you're making some changes on the inside with your attitude and outlook on life, you might as well do the same with your appearance. Get a new pair of shoes and the perfect summer clothes to start the season off right.
the 5-step program
In case you're looking for a quick fix, here's the rundown:

Get closure with your ex-wife; leave the bad memories behind.
Don't compare new women to your ex.

Pick up women in every setting possible: the bank, grocery store, drug store, etc.
Improve your physique by going to the gym and eating healthy.
Use the support of your friends.
dating tip of the week
Whether you're breaking up for the first or tenth time, or going through a divorce, remember that you are the most important thing in your life. Always make sure that you're happy with your love life, no matter how content your better half might be.

Source:- http://uk.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/46_dating_tips.html

Wednesday 17 December 2014

Should You Drop Your Ex's Last Name After Divorce? 5 Things To Consider

You couldn’t wait to be married so you eagerly gave up your last name to become Mrs. so-and-so. Now, you’re splitting. While changing your last name may have seemed like a no-brainer when you said “I do,” it becomes a major decision if you divorce. Do you keep his name? Go back to your maiden name? Pick something completely different?

“Many divorced women don’t want to be left with a last name that they did not grow up with. Many are reverting back to their maiden names, but more and more are choosing new last names,” says Kelly Utt-Grubb, a family-naming expert. “Some women don’t like their maiden names, so they pick a maternal grandmother’s last name or the name of another relative to whom they were very close. And some are even picking combinations of names. The new name is really a reflection of frame of mind and starting fresh.”

While that may be understandable, maybe even exciting, for you, what do you do about your kids? Do you change their name as well? It’s not as strange as it sounds. Some women change their children’s last names after divorce, some hyphenate their children’s last name, especially if the woman takes back her maiden name, and some actually change their children’s name to their maiden name.

As you can imagine, it can be a recipe for disaster. “When emergencies arise and Mom's or Dad's last name is different than the kids', it can cause unnecessary confusion and critical delays. Medical files alphabetized under the wrong last name or school personnel reluctant to release a child to a parent with a different surname are a few of the potential difficulties,” Utt-Grubb says.

Perhaps you are thinking of changing your last name. Maybe you want to go back to your maiden name after your divorce. Maybe you would like to hyphenate the kids' names so they can have yours too. Or maybe you just want to chuck it all and take on a whole new name. No matter what name you pick, if it is different than your old moniker, here are some suggestions to help minimize the glitches after you make the change:

Plan, plan, plan: Inform everyone of the name change -- schools, sports organizations, associations, doctors, health care providers, postal service, insurance companies, family members and even business associates if applicable. “You want to make sure you cover all the bases,” she says. “It helps to provide it in writing for some of these services, especially the children’s schools, where you might even need supporting documentation.”

Talk to extended family and friends: Involving your loved ones helps with support and minimize the surprises. “Sit down with those who might be involved with you and your children and clearly explain your choices,” she says. “This will help earn respect for eventual decision and prevent those who might influence the children from making careless mistakes.”

Be ready for opinionated staff: Even though the world may seem like a changed place, traditional values are still deeply entrenched. “Some may not understand a non-traditional choice and have a lot of opinion on it,” she says. “It’s important you know that going in so it doesn’t irritate you.”

Follow up: A few weeks after you make the name change, call or visit the various offices to make sure that the names have been changed and changed correctly. It makes life easier for everyone, she says.

Speak up immediately: If someone addresses you incorrectly, don’t let it pass, Utt-Grubb says. “Correct them immediately. Too often we let our own insecurities keep us silent and that will of course create confusion.”

Most important is that you choose carefully when making name changes or not. Then, embrace your choice.

“Project confidence in your choice because it is your identity. Ultimately, what you are doing is help change society’s collective mind while developing pride in your own name and grace under pressure,” she says.

Source:- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/27/last-name-divorce-_n_5614975.html

Tuesday 16 December 2014

Marriage Is For Life

Marriage is for life (says the man who has said 'I do' to Margaret, Jeanette, Lesley, Kathy, Sue, Usha, Wan and now Weng)

At 56 and with eight weddings behind him, Ron Sheppard is Britain's most-married man. He tells Elizabeth Day why he keeps tying the knot - again and again

Ron Sheppard is explaining the key to a successful marriage. "I'm a firm believer in that old saying: 'If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again'," he says, his eyes blinking earnestly behind a pair of tinted bifocals. "Of course, in my case, I've tried seven times."

Ron, who has earned the dubious accolade of Britain's Most-Married Man at the precocious age of 56, is very much hoping that it will be eighth-time lucky. With seven failed marriages behind him, he is becoming increasingly sick of weddings.

"Oh, I've had enough of all that now," he says. "I know the vows off by heart. None of my family comes any more and they stopped buying me presents after the third one. At my last wedding, you couldn't move for the paparazzi. A local radio DJ from the Isle of Wight even tried to gatecrash it and broadcast it live on air with his mobile phone."

Sadly, Isle of Wight residents were deprived of the chance to eavesdrop on Ron's register office nuptials to Weng, his 27-year-old Filipino bride, last December, but they were able to catch up on the shenanigans of the newly-wed Sheppards during a subsequent round of daytime television appearances. The latest of these, on Channel 5's Trisha chat-show, was recorded last week and Ron is still unhappy about it.

Will I Ever Fall in Love Again?

Will I ever fall in love again? This is a question that commonly comes up in readings, and the answer to this question will always be the same for everyone who asks me. The answer to the million-dollar question is … if you allow yourself to.

People tend to think that everything in life is determined by destiny, and it's true that a lot of what we experience is brought our way by the universe. However, when it comes to what is sent our way, we play a big part in what comes through to us, and what doesn't come through to us. A lot of it has to do with how open we are to receiving what the universe is offering us. I'm not talking about receiving what you want or need. I'm talking about being in a state that allows your energies to flow freely without much blockage. Allow me to illustrate this with a common example:

Your boyfriend has broken up with you and you're devastated, your world has come crashing down and you feel like you'll never love again. You try your hardest to just suck it up and move on like so many people are advising you to do. You do your best, but deep down inside you're still holding onto a lot of the pain from that past disappointment. Although you're being given opportunities to be with new people, nothing seems to ever move forward the way you want it to.

This is a classic case that plays out for many people time after time, and they always wonder, "Why?" We have been taught from an early age that pain is bad and that we must avoid feeling it at all costs. Crying and letting our emotions out are seen as bad things. So we begin to lose touch with our energy and aren't able to feel what's going on with it – this creates blockage. So to answer the big "why?" above, it's because your energy is being blocked by past "junk" that you have been conditioned to suppress … you're not flowing as you are meant to. By ignoring our energy and only focusing on the physical, we give up much of the power we have in deciding the quality of life we live.

So if you're feeling stuck, not just in love, but in any area of life it would be very helpful to look into healing and contact an energy worker who can help you get in touch with your energy. You will be able to see where things are blocked and what issues from your past you need to release. Keep in mind that it's not a quick fix and it's basically like learning a new way of living that takes a bit of dedication. But, it will make a tremendous difference in your life, and allow you to receive the opportunities the universe wants to send you.

Source:- http://www.keen.com/articles/love/will-i-ever-fall-in-love-again

Sunday 14 December 2014

Why I Never Want To Fall In Love Again

So, here I stand on the edge of another precipice. And if you'll just indulge me as I elaborate on this admittedly overused metaphor, I can get a few things out of the way that have been weighing on me.

New love is a b*tch. At least this time around.

I think I can remember a moment, nay, many moments when new love was the thing that turned my gears. And that proverbial cliff only served as a means to see the future, to gain perspective on the vast lands that I knew would be mine. I didn't gaze out across the vast prairie, riddled with shimmering trees clad in those impossibly light green leaves that only come from spring's new growth and think, Damn, it's only a matter of time before the beetles eat that sh*t. I didn't lift my face to the sun, my nose to the wind and smell that faint hint of rain humming on the horizon and think, Sh*t, I better seek shelter, this dam's about to break and take everything with it.

I didn't squint into the shadows of the valleys, dreading to think of the scorpions, the rats, the cruel-teethed crawling things squirming in humid holes, hungry and smacking their jowls.

No. Years ago I stood there, my chest proud as a crow. I felt my feathers slick and supple, iridescent, incandescent in the fading light. I knew that I only needed to lift my pinions and I would be aloft, ferried along without much thought except for the warmth awaiting me.

In short, there was no fear of the fall-out. There was just now. The butterflies in the stomach. The nose-to-nose pillow stare. The trying to tell and learn everything. The not sleeping. The, everything is new, my body sings like a goddamn harp when you touch me, don't ever stop feeling.

When I was 16 and in love for the very first time, I used to sneak out of my dorm -- I went to boarding school -- alongside the swimmers who had morning practice to meet my boyfriend. We'd each stuff a blanket into our LL Bean backpacks and head out to where the junior varsity sports team practiced.

Sometimes, I'm not kidding you, it'd be 30 degrees in the heart of winter and we'd crawl into our makeshift nest in a field and make love as it snowed. Seriously. This felt completely appropriate. I was crazy for him. I would cry when he left for the weekend. My loneliness felt palpable, choking in his absence.

I won't bore you with my lineage of boyfriends, although I will say I've been a monogamous creature my entire life and love people with that kind of aforementioned intensity. I only kissed two boys in college -- both of whom I dated for three years. I have no interest in spending time with people I don't really, really like, romantically or otherwise. And the process of trying to find someone who I think is funny and smart and whose parts I want on my naked body? It's rare. So when I find them, I sink my teeth in.

I don't know, I've just always been that way.

I broke up with my latest boyfriend about six months ago. We moved here together from New York City; he was perhaps the most "serious" of all. We shared a car, a credit card, a home, a cat. And then suddenly, there was that sinking feeling that neither one of us had that feeling. That clarity.

So, even though we still loved each other very much -- and everyone, ourselves included, was rather confused about why the hell we were separating -- we wrenched ourselves apart, knowing it was definitely probably the right decision.

And while I knew it was definitely probably right -- only once a week did I get flashes of nauseating panic -- I, of course, got depressed (which I'm prone to do), entered therapy, cried a lot, ate steaming pork chops straight out of the pan and alternatively felt alone and strong... and like ash. Like I could just blow away. I would be standing beside the stove chewing slowly, listening to Ween, and a memory would knock the wind from me -- slow dancing beside our Christmas tree or the feeling of his body beside mine as I slept and I would think, sh*t. When will that former life lose its hold on me.

Cut to one month ago. I'm one month into living with two wonderful girlfriends. They're bright, funny, kind. We've been feathering our nest and sharing secrets and sharing meals and boy talk in underpants and it generally feels like high-end collegiate life and I just love it. I hadn't felt this balanced and calm in years.

Work was good, my friends were good; my ex-boyfriend and I, by some miracle, had remained the best of friends (that's another story) and I was just, like, happy. It may sound trite, but it was one of the only times in my life I could remember knowing that things were good as they were happening. In retrospect, it wasn't.

Then, I met someone. And suddenly, there were those tell-tale signs again. The incessant thoughts. The checking of the phone. The inability to sleep when he stayed over. Tripping over words in trying to explain my past, the things I cared about, how to convey 25 years of conscious life.

And yes, I'll go ahead and quote Ani Difranco here: "Taken out of content I must seem so strange." Wanting to pry open the past and squeeze it through my fingers like a toddler faced with a bowl of spaghetti.

Feeling my body sing again. Thinking about sex. All the time. But amid all these feelings of yes, yes, yesssss! -- literally and metaphysically -- it was met with an equal force of no, no, nooooo.

And then it dawned on me.

Oh my god. I have baggage. Like I officially have baggage. And not the kind you're given as standard issue life baggage; my mother drank, my father is eccentric, I-had-lived-in-four-states-by-the-time-I was-in-6th-grade baggage. This was sh*t I had purchased, broken, bent, sullied and then strapped to my back, apparently. And just now I could feel my legs buckling.

For the first time ever, I was dreading what felt like the inevitable fall-out. I could already feel that cold stone in my stomach when you realize they aren't looking at you the same way. That the hunger is gone. I could already taste my own tongue after hours of crying, knowing that this one wasn't going "to work" either. I could feel that weight behind my eyes in the morning when you feel so sad and lonely all day you fantasize about getting right back into bed.

I had just gotten my head above water. Why, oh why, did he have to appear? Why, oh why, was I forged as an all-or-nothing human? Couldn't I just have dinner and some casual sex like normal people? Did I have to want to rip everyone's face off and subsume myself?

It was with this fear and anxiety and confusion that I headed off to South America two weeks ago. I was meeting up with my best pal from boarding school. I arrived a day early and was let into my AirBnB rental by Carlos, a man, as it turned out, wired exactly like me.

He'd had just three relationships (he was now in his 50's, I'd say) and each one was intense and bottomed him out. The man he was currently living with he met 11 years ago on the street; three weeks later, they were living together. I threw my hands up and told him I had just started something new and felt really guarded and full of dread. I felt like I couldn't start all over again; I told him I envied how open his heart was. Mine currently felt like a stray dog's, eyeing anything that came too close, accepting gentle touches begrudgingly if the biscuit looked tasty enough.

He listened, lifted his eyebrows and shrugged. "In Argentina," he said, "we say that in love, you've got to put all the meat on the grill." Otherwise, he insisted, there's no point.

I smiled and then laughed. And then sighed and then swallowed. He was right.

So here I go again -- wish me luck.

Source:- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katie-tandy/why-i-never-want-to-fall-in-love-again_b_6135394.html

Saturday 13 December 2014

Toxic People: You Don’t Need Permission to Walk Away

Toxic people pray on others. They dominate and control, disregard your needs and feelings. They focus on themselves and don’t seem interested in you at all. They seem to see other people as tools instead of whole, autonomous beings.
You may wonder, who would put up with this? It seems like toxic people zoom in on those with low self-esteem. When you can’t appreciate yourself, it’s hard to stand up for yourself. You’ll second-guess whether you should walk away from toxic relationships, wondering if maybe your perception is off or you did something to deserve to be treated poorly.

It’s an ideal situation for the toxic person. You’ll keep coming back for more. They don’t worry about losing your relationship, so they can let it all hang out. While they inflate their ego, they will suck the life out of your self-esteem, keeping you as low so you’re always looking up at them.
It took years to realize that I was visiting a therapist every week and working on my depression and anxiety, but I really just wanted permission once and for all to walk away from the toxic people in my life. I didn’t understand that permission wasn’t necessary, that I’d have to improve my self-esteem in order to get myself free.
I never wanted to belong to any club that would have me. I truly believed that statement. There were days that I was down and when I tried to put my finger on why, the only thing I could come up with was that I was just tired of being me. I didn’t want to be in my head any more. I was tired of seeing the world through my eyes, processing information the way that I do, and interacting with others in my usual way. I didn’t want to crawl into a hole. I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
What was so bad about being me? Well, according to the toxic people in my life, I was worthless. Everything was wrong with me. I had adopted that view so wholly that I never even realized that the self-devaluing voice in my head wasn’t my voice. It was the voice of insecure, controlling people who wanted to keep me down. In my case, it was the family I grew up with.
And let me just say that it’s not over yet. My self-esteem is still a work in progress, but over time it’s getting easier to be happy in my own skin. When I am cognizant that my self-evaluation is starting to receive low marks, there are some truths that I cling to:
You can’t depend on the praise of others to in order to value yourself. It would be a beautiful world if we were all walking around telling each other how much we appreciate one another. But how often do those things go unsaid? When was the last time you walked up to someone and told them, “You look beautiful” or “You’re a fascinating person” or “I love your laugh, it lights up my day”?
When you spend so much of your time comparing yourself to others, you can easily compile a pretty terrible image of yourself. The fact is that everyone’s situation seems a little better from the outside, but everyone has their own troubles.
You can trust your gut. Self-doubt loves to pummel self-esteem. Not feeling like you can trust your decisions or perceptions can make a person feel defective. That’s when the judgment snowball begins to roll.
I’m sure you’ve heard of mindfulness — observing your thoughts and feelings in the moment and accepting them as they are, without judgment. I’m not the meditative type — I’m the get on the elliptical and run five miles in 25 minutes type. But there is a way to practice mindfulness in a small way throughout the day.
It’s been important for me to put the brakes on when I start to self-judge and feel less than great about myself. Much like snapping a rubber band on your wrist when having anxious thoughts, I picture a big stop sign. Then I tell myself: “You don’t need to self-evaluate right now. This isn’t a test. You don’t need to report marks at the end of the day. You just need to live.”
Toxic people would hate this mantra and that makes me love it even more.
Toxic people don’t appreciate you, so they don’t want you to appreciate yourself, either. They need you to ignore your own needs and desires so you can devote all your time to their needs and desires. They use intimidation to keep you down, which means keeping you from living your truth. You are a whole and valuable person deserving of respect and love.
Stop walking on eggshells and get the courage to walk away. Real friends and loved ones appreciate you as you are and wouldn’t ever make you feel unworthy or insignificant. The only thing that might be worthless is continuing to expose yourself to toxic people.

Source:- http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/12/07/toxic-people-you-dont-need-permission-to-walk-away/

Friday 12 December 2014

6 Steps to Finding New Love

If your relationship has ended, you might be nervous about dipping your feet in the dating pool. Or you might worry that you’ll never find love again. Maybe you’ve even assumed that you’re just unlucky when it comes to love.
Relationship and family therapist Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, often hears people say they’ve lost hope. But she wants individuals to know that it’s absolutely possible to find a fulfilling partnership. For instance, in her 25-year study of 373 married couples, Orbuch found that 71 percent of divorced singles found love again.
Also, love has very little to do with luck. In fact, “there is a method to the love madness,” said Orbuch, who’s also author of the recently published book Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship.

She believes in working from the inside out. Before pursuing a new relationship, Orbuch stresses the importance of working on your own beliefs, emotions, behaviors and sense of self. She helps readers do just that in Finding Love Again, along with offering tips on everything from first dates to building a strong relationship.
Below, Orbuch discussed her six steps for seeking and finding a great relationship.

1. Adjust your expectations.
“Forget everything you know about relationships,” Orbuch said. That’s because you might be holding onto certain relationship myths and unrealistic expectations, which can set you up for failure and frustration, she said. (Frustration also can eat away at your happiness, according to Orbuch.)
For instance, it’s unrealistic to think that your partner will automatically know what you want and need — even after many years of marriage, Orbuch said. In the beginning, people simply don’t know each other that well, while over the years, people naturally change, and so do their wants and needs. (Remember that no one is a mind reader. If you want or need something, Orbuch said, you have to ask for it.)
Another common myth is that there’s a specific amount of time you have to wait before you start dating. However, according to Orbuch, there’s no scientific evidence to substantiate a certain timeframe. “Everyone is different.” Some people are ready to date right after a relationship ends, while others need more time to heal, she said.

2. Start with a clean slate.
In her study, Orbuch found that divorced singles who didn’t feel anything for their ex were more likely to find love. “In order to find love again, you need to emotionally separate or detach from previous or past relationships,” she said.
Remaining emotionally attached to the past prevents you from being fully present — and trusting someone else — and keeps you trapped in a cycle of negativity, she said. Everyone has emotional baggage. The key is to make sure that your baggage isn’t too heavy, she said.
For instance, in the book, Orbuch includes a helpful quiz with questions such as: Do you still keep photos of your ex, compare others to them or visit their social media sites?
According to Orbuch, one way to become emotionally neutral is to release your emotions in healthy ways, such as engaging in physical activities and social events; volunteering; writing an honest letter to your ex (that you never send); and getting creative with activities such as painting, gardening and playing music. What also helps is to share your story with loved ones and seek their support, she said.

3. Shake up your routine.
Orbuch suggested making one small and simple change and committing to it for 21 days. In her study, she found that divorced singles who cut their work hours by at least one hour a day were more likely to find love. Changing your routine can open up new opportunities to meet people and even revise how you see yourself, according to Orbuch.

4. Discover the real you.
After your relationship ends, “you need to step back and re-examine you,” Orbuch said. Before you can determine if you’re compatible with someone, you need to know who you really are, she said.
Your past relationship probably shaped your personality and preferences in some way. You no doubt compromised, changed and accepted certain traits, she said.
As Orbuch writes in her book, “Singles who find a long-lasting, successful partnership have one trait in common: they put the focus on who they are and what they want, rather than worrying about what others will think.”
To find out who you are, define your key life values. What matters most to you? For instance, how important is faith, your job or your health?
Orbuch also suggested making a list of the qualities you’d like in your partner — and to be specific. For instance, as she writes in the book, by “funny,” do you mean you’d like your partner to have a dry sense of humor or tell jokes or something else entirely? Getting specific helps you reflect and consider the true qualities you’d like in a mate — and not waste your time, she writes.

5. Start dating.
Again, it’s important to be hopeful. The divorced singles in Orbuch’s study who were hopeful were much more likely to find love.
In the beginning of your relationship, you want to “disclose or share parts of yourself gradually,” Orbuch said. Don’t spill your guts right away. This might seem obvious, but many people do just that: They reveal everything immediately because they assume that if their date or partner doesn’t like what they hear, then it’s “Too bad,” and they’re on to the next person, she said.
But a lot of information is overwhelming for anyone, especially when it’s about topics like your ex, kids and finances, she said.
Don’t try to sell yourself, either, Orbuch said. Dating isn’t about winning someone’s approval; it’s about about finding out if you’re compatible.

6. Determine if you’re in the right relationship, and keep it strong.
When evaluating your relationship, Orbuch suggests considering the following: Do you think in terms of “we” or “I”? Do you trust each other? Do you share similar values? Do you handle conflict effectively?
To keep your relationship strong, “empty your pet peeves pail frequently,” she said. Small annoyances add up — and can damage your relationship — so talk to your partner about what bothers you.
Also, “make sure that you recognize and affirm each other frequently over time,” she said. It’s all too easy to put your relationship on the back burner when other people and tasks require your immediate attention, such as your kids, parents, jobs, health and finances, she said. But just a sweet phrase or small behavior can go a long way.

Source:- http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/23/6-steps-to-finding-new-love/

Thursday 11 December 2014

Stop Telling Me I'll Fall In Love Again

You get your heart broken, and everyone wants to help. Everyone wants to be this knight in shining armor — from your mother to your best friend to a stranger you get into an overlong conversation with at a coffee shop — who rescues you from your own emotions. You are sulking and not yourself, and everyone can see it, so the goal becomes making you realize that it’s not the end of the world (as though the only time you could ever be sad is when you thought that everything was ending). It’s pointless to say, “I’m just sad for a little bit right now because something that was very big and important to me came to an unexpected end, but I’ll be okay soon enough.” That is never an acceptable answer. You have to realize that life is still beautiful, you see, and everyone has to show you why.

And almost without fail, one of the motivational themes you’re going to get in your sympathetic speeches from everyone who just wants to help is going to be “you will fall in love again.” I will? Is that so? I didn’t know that this was the fate which was awaiting me at the end of the tunnel of my own self-pity and depression. I guess now I can hold off that suicide, because some day, someone is going to declare me worthy living again. Thanks, everyone, for your words of wisdom and comfort. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go curl up in the fetal position and wait for my Prince Charming to come rescue me.In all seriousness, I know they’re just trying to help. I know when my mother tells me that I’m going to fall in love again, and that it will be wonderful and even better than this last — very unpleasant — experience, she just wants to help. She loves me, and hates to see me so down all the time. She hates that someone was able to convince me, if only for a little while, that I wasn’t worth loving and I wasn’t good enough for them. She tells me all the time that he didn’t deserve me, and I wonder what that even means. I know that he had a tendency to be an asshole, but maybe so did I, and we just didn’t work out. It doesn’t seem reasonable to qualify people in terms of being “deserving” of one another. But even if he weren’t good enough for me on some objective scale, that is no guarantee that I’m going one day find love again elsewhere. Maybe I will. Maybe I will tomorrow. Maybe I’m going to go to the store and run into the man of my dreams while I’m too busy texting to look ahead of me, a meet-cute fit for a romantic comedy starring Katherine Heigl. But then again, maybe I won’t. And I don’t want waiting for this moment to come to me to be the only way I’m capable of making it through of my heartbreak.I mean, look at my aunt. She had her heart broken in her early 30s when her husband left her for his 25-year-old assistant he cheated with. While the two of them went off to get married (and still are), she took full custody of the kids from their marriage and never fell in love again. She just never did. She is pretty and smart and funny and everything people tell me I am, but none of her dates and casual boyfriends ever really panned out. It’s still a sore stop for her to talk about her ex husband and his new family.

But she did many other things. She has an amazing career, and lots of great friends, and two houses (one of which she designed entirely on her own). She has a great life, and I don’t pity her. I know some people in our family who do, but they are the kind of people who believe, on some level, that women are not complete or fully happy unless they have a man to confirm it. Maybe I’m reading her wrong, but she seems pretty fulfilled to me. Does she want a husband? Maybe. But she’s not in a constant state of depression without it. And I have several other aunts and uncles who, though married, are by no means happy in their relationships. I don’t think that my single aunt is any more deserving of pity than they are.

The point is just that I don’t want to be told that waiting for a new love to replace the old one is what should comfort me and get me through this time. How about that I’m cool on my own? That I have a lot to give to society and so much left to experience in my life, with or without a romantic partner? What about how great of a friend I am, or how cool my job is, or how fun I am to hang out with? What about all of the cool things that I can experience single because I don’t have to take another person’s desires into consideration when I make my choices? Sure, I’m sad, but I’m not looking to soothe that sadness by replacing it with a new relationship. Women are allowed to be sad, and they’re allowed to be single, and they don’t need to hear that one day a man is going to make it all go away by telling her she is good enough again. She’s good enough as she is.

Source:- http://thoughtcatalog.com/charlotte-green/2013/01/stop-telling-me-ill-fall-in-love-again/