10 Things I Wish I'd Known Before Getting Divorced

As a divorce mediator for many years, I thought I was more prepared than anyone for what lay ahead as I faced my own divorce. Well, I was wrong! Here are some of the things no one told me, which I learned from going through it — and coming out on the other side.

To watch the video go here:- http://www.today.com/video/today/56869322

1. Even if you are the one who wants to get divorced, you may often feel sad, loss, fear, anxiety.

Whether or not you initiated the split, one is often unprepared for just how big of a life transition divorce really is. It's a time that not only includes the loss of a marriage, but often also includes the loss of other relationships in your life (your ex’s family, certain friends, and less time with your children, for example). In the process of letting go of your past married life, you will need to begin to create your new life, which often brings tremendous personal growth. However, until you get there, you will likely feel a great amount of fear and anxiety of the unknown. It takes work, but you will find happiness at the other end!

2. Just because you are divorced, all of your problems don’t just disappear. You still need to deal with your ex — particularly if there are children involved.

I so often hear from others who are divorced, “Ugh, I cant stand him!” or “She is driving me crazy!” and I always respond with “That’s why you are no longer married to him/her!” Remember that the bad behaviors you lived with don’t just disappear when you get divorced — the buttons they used to press when you were married may still get triggered, and sometimes even more so after you split. Do your best to let it go and not let it get to you anymore. Easier said then done; it takes practice.

3. Once the divorce papers are signed, now the real work begins. You need to heal from the emotional turmoil of a bad marriage and learn to be happy alone before you can enter a new relationship.

Creating two new homes after divorce with the same resources is one of the first big challenges one may need to make. You may need to go back to work, which can be a huge challenge if you have been home with your kids for so many years.

Your self-esteem will likely need a boost after working so hard at a relationship that ultimately failed. I have found it to be so important to take time to figure out who I am again, apart from being someone’s wife: What are my interests and what kind of partner will really make me happy? Finding these answers takes time, and it can be a fun and interesting journey along the way if you let it be.

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4. Your kids may not tell you how they feel, though it may come out through their behaviors.

It is so important to watch your kids' actions and behaviors (life if they start to sleep in your bed, fight with each other, or show signs of depression) and not just go by what they say or don’t say. I so often hear “my kids are doing great” but then when I probe a little further, I find out a very different story. Talk to your kids about what they are thinking and feeling continuously — I have been divorced for five years, and my kids are still sad, have questions and wish their parents were still together. Keep communication going.

5. Don’t rush through the process, as tempting as that is. Everyone needs time to adjust and make good, clear decisions that you can live with for many years to come.

During the divorce process there are so many difficult decisions that need to be made, and these should not be made swiftly or without a lot of time to think and process. If you rush, many of these decisions will be fueled by emotions rather than careful consideration. Try and always put your children's best interests first and you will be ahead of the game.

6. You may lose some friends — the ones you thought would be there for you may not be, and vice versa.

This was rather surprising to me: Some people actually think divorce can be contagious! And maybe it is? We all know that there are many unhappily married people out there who are frightened (and I don’t blame them one bit) to get divorced. These people often do not want you around their spouses, giving them any ideas or courage to take that step.

And then there will be the friends, sometimes even the ones you weren’t so close to in the past, that come forward and are tremendously supportive. The largest complaint I hear from divorced people is that their married friends no longer invite them out anymore. So it's important to create new friends — single friends and married friends that are comfortable including you in their plans.

7. Let go of your anger and resentment toward your spouse — this can only hurt you and your children and no good can come from it!

This is so important! Holding on to your anger about what was or what happened in the past will only hurt you physically and emotionally. This doesn’t mean you condone your ex’s behavior, it simply means you need to let go of it. If you feel stuck, seek help — a therapist, a divorce advisor, or a divorce support group.

8. Holidays are so hard, especially in the first few years. Start new traditions and make sure you are not alone.

This is definitely one of the hardest parts for me about being divorced. Holidays to me are about being with family and those you love the most. So each holiday where my ex has my kids, I make sure I do something special that makes me happy and I don’t stay home and sulk. I do continue to spend those holidays with my family and sometimes try and see my kids at some point during that day.

9. Spare your children from bad-mouthing your spouse no matter what: This can actually crush their self-esteem.

As tempting as it may be, bad-mouthing your ex to your children is a big no-no! Children want — and have the right — to love both parents. Saying bad things about the other parent will come back to bite you, as your kids will likely resent you for it (if not now, later).

10. Don’t rush to start dating again!

Our children are not ready to see us with someone new, and you need time to figure out who you are and who would make you happy. Take at least a year off to work on yourself and focus on your children. Trust me, you need time alone to figure out who you are again. Until you know that, you are likely to make bad choices and may even choose a partner just like the one you just divorced! Kids too need time to heal and are likely to reject your new partner if they aren’t ready.

Source:- http://www.today.com/health/buzz-kill-3-daily-cocktails-may-boost-stroke-risk-study-2D80458244

Rant: Divorce: Not An Option For Me

Having grown up as the child of divorce, raising my own kids feels like trying to break a curse.

Sasha, why did your parents get divorced?" the carpool mom purred into the rearview mirror of her station wagon one day. She was after dirt.
"My mom's a Democrat, and my dad's a Republican," I replied. They did seem to argue politics a lot.

My parents did not appear to have a bad marriage. My childhood memories are of cross-country car trips, jumping on beds with our beloved Norwegian elkhound, my little brother teaching me how to throw a football and ride a bike no-handed, and my parents—both teachers—encouraging me to be curious about everything.
We were the kind of family nobody expected would divorce. My parents' saga was riveting to everyone.I was 10. We sat in the living room, a kid on each parent's lap, as my mom told us they were separating. I froze. I watched my little brother's face crumple. We cried spectacularly. Couldn't we get them to change their minds? They grimly endured our agony, and Mom rented a duplex a few blocks away.As divorces go, my parents handled it pretty well. They never said a mean word about each other. They were united at teacher conferences, sporting events, and proms. My brother and I loaded up laundry baskets with clothes and shuttled back and forth, spending two weeks with Mom and two weeks with Dad.Meanwhile, I was determined to be The Divorced Kid Who Turned Out Fine. I'm a type-A, achieving firstborn. My brother just rode around the neighborhood on his dirt bike, unplugged from Mom and Dad.The problem with divorce is kids want to be the center of the universe. When your parents divorce, their antics upstage you. And I was driven crazy by something I knew in my bones: They still loved each other.

Sasha Aslanian

Years after their divorce, they dated each other again. And broke up again. Over and over. I think this gave me the idea that love never dies. It's just incredibly painful for the rest of your life.

The dark little secret adult children of divorce carry is that we're doomed to do the same thing. We're 50 percent more likely to end our own marriages than those whose parents stay together. And we'll do anything to keep from breaking our own kids' hearts someday—including not getting married and not having children.
I should know. In my 20s, I was living with my boyfriend when I noticed something odd: All of our friends were getting married. "Why?" I asked my best friend when she called with her happy news. I wasn't invited to be a bridesmaid in that wedding.
I did eventually want to be a mother, so I casually asked my mom what she would think if my boyfriend and I had a baby. I was 30 and needed to get the show on the road. My mom's a groovy '60s chick—she even looks a little like Gloria Steinem—so I figured she'd be cool with it. Wrong. I forgot the '60s chick was raised in the '50s.
I booked the church. I cried geysers through the entire ceremony, and the minister had to keep smuggling me handkerchiefs. So much for my nonchalance about marriage. I was scared out of my mind, and overwhelmed by the enormity of it.
Yet I was determined to do it differently. Where my parents would stay up all night playing gin rummy because the loser had to turn out the light, I chose a marriage where we don't keep score. One time my dad asked me how often I let my husband win arguments. I told him, "About half the time." My dad was incredulous that his stubborn daughter would cede that much ground. "But Dad," I said—feeling like the older person in this conversation—"sometimes he's actually right."
In the cookie-cutter wedding that married off my mom at 19, equality wasn't expected, nor was she to have a career. "Man is the head of the household," booms the minister on the reel-to-reel tape recording of the ceremony she still keeps. "I didn't know how to renegotiate the contract," she admitted to me recently. All she could do was void it and face life on her own.
I was at her duplex when my reserved Norwegian mother got the call offering her a teaching job. She hung up the phone and did a pirouette through the living room. I will never be that desperate for a job in my life, I thought.
I'm so much more forgiving of them now that I'm a parent myself. How hard it must have been to hide a broken heart and rally to the challenges of solo parenting. How they must have had to bite their tongue when we wanted to pin blame. And to the poor souls who tried to date my single parents: I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you.

Sasha Aslanian

Now when I find out friends are divorcing, I'm quick on the scene with damage control for their kids. Keep them at the center. Tell them you love them until it embarrasses them to hear it. Support their relationships with your ex and any stepparents that enter the scene. Remember, this is the only childhood they get.
I longed to be a parent because I saw it as a chance to relive the playful exhilaration of youth but rewrite the ending my way. "Who's having a happy childhood?" I like to ask my kids. They know the drill. They shoot their little bean sprout arms up in the air and yell, "Me!" I haven't messed this up yet.
As a divorced kid, I worried my marriage would detonate from a fuse I couldn't control. Now I see marriage as the millions of tiny matchsticks we safely blow out: Do I snap when my husband asks me to hand him something, or do I catch his eye and smile? Marriage isn't the big "I do" moment of takeoff. It's how you handle all the mundane hours of tinkering with the controls, inventing flight plans. I want my children to trust the grown-ups to fly this plane.
My kids are still trying to figure out my parents' arrangement. My folks live six blocks apart but function as Mor Mor and Happy, the grandparent team. Once, after a sleepover at my mom's house, my younger daughter noted on the drive home, "Happy had a sleepover, too." I burst out laughing. I don't think divorce makes any sense to my kids. I hope it never will.

Source:- http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201303/rant-divorce-not-option-me

Why Are Most Divorces Filed by Women?

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Question: Why Are Most Divorces Filed by Women?

Answer:

A generation ago, women were less likely to file for divorce if in an unhappy or abusive marriage. Most were financially dependent on their spouse and feared the social stigma of divorce.

Today women are more likely to have careers of their own, are less financially dependent on their spouse and no longer fear the social stigma of divorce. Women are more educated and more empowered, which keeps them from accepting abuse or a marriage that is not meeting their needs.

Below Are A Few Reasons Why Most Divorces Are Initiated By Women:

• Seeking Relief From a Bad Marriage:
  A woman’s happiness is no longer tied to whether or not she is married. There was a time when, to be happy a woman though she had to be married. Such a mindset led women to believe they were “stuck” in a marriage that had gone bad. Those days are over and most women will file for divorce rather than deal with the stress of a bad marriage.
  Some throw in the towel too soon. Some work to find a solution to the problems in their marriage. In the end, if a woman feels she can no longer deal with the constant stress of a bad marriage she will not hesitate to file for a divorce and move on with her life.
• Escape Domestic Abuse:
  Women are less likely to stay in an abusive marriage today. There was a time when a woman had no choice but to stay. She was financially dependent on her spouse, under his control and had no options for leaving.
  Today there are many resources for victims of domestic abuse. Shelters, restraining orders and no-fault divorce laws make it easier for a financially dependent wife to escape an abusive marriage.
• Fewer Women are Financially Dependent on a Husband:
  In today’s society, women are more likely to have their own career. Even stay at home moms have college decrees and marketable skills to fall back on should they divorce. Because of financial independence divorce, for women is an easy decision to make.
  A career minded woman doesn’t have to worry about how she will support herself after divorce. Due to this, the prospect of divorce causes less anxiety and stress. She is confident in her ability to divorce and move on because she has the power that comes with being financially secure. With money comes security and an unwillingness to stay in an abusive or unhappy marriage.
• Women are Less Tolerant of Infidelity:
  Due to her financial security and her ability to identify what makes her happy, women’s expectations of their husband are higher. One of those expectations is fidelity and today, fewer women are willing to accept infidelity in their marriage.
  Instead of being a housewife, today’s wife in an equal partner. Most share the financial burdens of keeping the family together. Most do the majority of the child rearing on top of dealing with the demands of their careers. When a husband cheats, they are less willing to accept such behavior from an “equal partner.” Why should they continue to exert so much effort to maintain the family to only have that investment repaid by infidelity?
• Women Want More Out of Marriage:
  A generation ago, women wanted to be supported, to become mothers and cheerleaders for their husband’s career. Women were more willing to put their needs on the back burner for the sake of the marriage. Today women are in touch with their needs and want their needs met.
  Women want an intimate and emotional connection with their husband. They want communication, togetherness and a husband as driven to meet their needs as they are to meet his needs. The problem? Some men still view their wives as “the little woman” and fewer and fewer women are willing to be put in such a role.
• Women Loose Their Identity:
  Some wives spend so much time focused on raising children, helping their husband further his career and putting their needs last that they loose sight of who they are and what they want out of life.
  It is not unusual for a woman to hit middle age and go into a midlife crisis. She will begin to question the life she has led and wonder, “is that all there is?” She may file for a divorce in order to explore life on her own in the hope of finding out who she is and what she wants out of life.

There are a myriad of reasons a woman will file for divorce. Whether it is to seek her own happiness, escape from an abusive marriage or midlife crisis the one thing most who divorce have in common is a new sense of empowerment. Women view themselves as equal to men and for some marriage takes away that power instead of promoting it.

Source:- http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/f/why_women_file_divorce.htm