7 Reasons Why Your Relationships Might Be Failing

I would like to preface this post by saying that I have fallen into every single one of these. It wasn’t until I fell on my face for the last time, drew a line in the sand and said, “No more!” was I able to see my patterns, learn to love myself before I entered a relationship, and I was able to experience a loving, healthy relationship. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. You’re so desperate for love, you’ll take it any way it’s served up. All of us want the same thing: to love and to be loved. And for some people there comes a point when we are not feeling loved enough so we’ll take any relationship over being single. Whether it’s tolerating abuse, infidelity, disrespect, boundary violations or whatever. Perhaps in your gut you know it’s wrong to stay, but in your mind the pain of leaving is worse.

This one could be its own post, but I will say this: If you know in your gut the relationship is not well, there is your answer. Period. And P.S….love yourself first. Staying in an unhealthy relationship for the sake of feeling loved will always end in massive disappointment.

2. You’re attracting the same guys as you’re feeling. If you’re feeling insecure, bitter, resentful, if you self-hate, chances are you’re going to attract the same type of person and/or that person will treat you exactly as you are feeling. You will end up finding evidence of your feelings in the shape of your relationships. For instance, if you’re with someone who doesn’t feel good about himself, chances are he won’t treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Which opens the door for your inner-critic to come in and tell you, “See! This is what you deserve.” It’s a cycle that can only be broken by you feeling good and loving towards yourself.

3. You’re a love addict. Guuuuurl, it takes one to know one. When I read the book, “Facing Love Addiction” I felt like Pia Mellody had written my autobiography and then hit me over the head with it. Love addicts in a nutshell are addicted to the feeling of being in love and in my case; addicted to the person I was in the relationship with. The relationship was what gave my life meaning. My life purpose was to make the relationship work. To make him love me the way my heart wanted to be loved. It consumed my life.

Er, not good.

Love addiction is like any other addiction. You’re filling yourself up with something outside of you. If you really feel as if this is you, I encourage you to get help either with a program, or the book above.

4. You expect your relationships to fail. If your self-esteem and self-worth are unhealthy, this is when you expect your relationships to fail. If you think all you meet are jerks and crazies that use you and leave you, you will find evidence of this. I encourage you to ask yourself WHY you think and assume this. Is it because it’s been your track record? Then it’s time to investigate how you feel about YOURSELF. How you feel about yourself will dictate how your relationships are. True story.

5. You sabotage any healthy relationship you’re in. Let’s say you’re had a string of shit relationships. Then you meet a really nice, normal, loving guy. Pretty soon you find yourself picking fights, or flirting with other guys, or maybe you’re thinking of leaving the relationship altogether. A couple of things might be happening. First, you’re bored and probably used to craziness- not normalness. (See #6) or deep down your gremlin is telling you that you don’t deserve to have this nice, healthy relationship, so you do things maybe consciously or unconsciously to cause problems to end the relationship.

6. You’re a drama addict. If you’re so used to chaos, intensity and drama, you may be a drama addict. I personally don’t see anything wrong with a little drama every once in a great while (because let’s face it, make-up sex is hot), but if this is your default way of communicating with your partner, or if your relationship has really high highs, and really low lows, that can be unhealthy. When I got married for the second time, I had to get used to communicating without yelling, slamming doors, hanging up on each other, and ending each argument with, “go fuck yourself”. At times I thought my new marriage was boring, but my therapist assured me that NOT doing all of those crazy things and actually communicating respectfully was normal and healthy. Who knew?


7. You’re waiting for someone to “complete” you. Hey sister- Price Charming also had his not-so-great, ball scratching, asshole moments. I want to vomit every time I see that scene in Jerry McGuire where he tells her, “You complete me”. Barf. Truth: Autonomy is essential to a healthy relationship. If you aren’t complete before you get into a relationship, you’re in trouble. If you’re actually looking for someone to complete you, you’re also in trouble. It’s no one’s job but yours to bring your own happiness to the relationship. Putting that on a partner is not only unfair, but unhealthy.

If you notice something about all 7 of these- they all come back to self. I see people all the time (and I did it myself), search for love and happiness in a relationship. Yes, it’s important to have those things, but if you don’t have it in yourself FIRST AND FOREMOST, you’ll be running around in circles thinking, “What is wrong with me!?”. I assure you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not broken, nor do you need fixing. The answer is in you.



Source:- http://yourkickasslife.com/divorce/7-reasons-why-your-relationships-might-be-failing

Being kind to yourself: Why you should become your own best friend

It’s a tough world out there. Sometimes though, our worst critics are not our friends or our family, it is us. We are often quick to notice what has gone wrong and what we did badly - how often do we take the time to be kind and understanding with ourselves?

Instead of the usual critical comments we might say to ourselves ‘you’re so rubbish, you’re always doing that’, ‘why do you always say the wrong thing’,  ‘you are weak, everyone else would be able to cope with this’ we need to find alternative ways to talk to ourselves that are kinder. Not only will this improve our belief and self-confidence but it is also one way in which to improve our psychological well-being and fight off the negative feelings often associated with low mood and anxiety.

When we first try to be kind to ourselves we are at a loss as to how to talk to ourselves differently. In these circumstances we may want to have a menu of different strategies that we can try. When we first use these techniques it is a bit like when we first learn to drive - we have to think about every move we make. After practicing for a long time we slowly find that these skills become more automatic. Here are just a few of the techniques you may find helpful.

What would your best friend/biggest fan say?

It can be difficult to think positively about ourselves when we are used to being self-critical. Thinking from the perspective of someone else who does appreciate us and see the good in us can be a way in which to consider ourselves in a more favourable light. Ask yourself what your best friend or biggest fan would say to encourage you and help you to believe in yourself. Then start to consider what evidence there is that perhaps there is some truth to this and you may even start to believe these ideas.

What is the worst that could happen?

We often worry about how things are going to turn out and can ‘catastrophise’ which means only being able to see the worst possible outcomes. It can help to face these possibilities head on and ask ourselves what the worst thing is that could happen. Also, what it would be like if the worse thing did happen and how we would cope. This can help us realise that even the worst thing (whilst probably unlikely to happen when we really explore it) is something we can actually cope with. This in turn makes things feel more manageable and less frightening.

How can I recognise the small victories?

Sometimes we can feel lost in the aspects of our lives we feel are not going well. In order to keep going and feel motivated to continue it can be important to focus on our small victories. Taking time every day to notice three things we have done well or feel pleased with can help us to notice the improvements we have made and to realise that each step forward is significant and something to be proud of.

Being kinder with help from others

Sometimes it can be tough getting started - not all of these strategies work well for everyone, trial and error is the key. But also asking others for help and encouragement can be vital to identifying the ways in which we are being tough on ourselves - often the people who know us best can see this most clearly. Professional help may be useful at times too and finding a therapist you trust and who can work alongside you to develop these strategies may help you along this journey.

If in doubt, be kind and understanding to yourself - if you are not, who will be?

Source:- http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/being-kind-to-yourself-why-you-should-become-your-own-best-friend