8 Myths That Could Kill Your Relationship

If you think relationships don't take hard work or that passion shouldn't fade if you're really in love, think again. Credit: Dreamstime View full size image

There are hundreds of myths about relationships, according to Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, a Michigan clinical psychologist and author of "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great" (Delacorte Press, 2009). The problem with persistent myths is that they can erode a relationship's happiness, she said.

When you think a relationship should be a certain way, and yours isn't, frustration sets in. And "frustration is the number one thing that eats away at a relationship," Orbuch said, and "it's directly tied to these myths."

That's why it's so critical to bust the below misconceptions. So without further ado, here are eight myths about relationships that might surprise you.

1. Myth: A good relationship means that you don't have to work at it.
Fact: "The strongest most enduring relationships take lots of hard work," said Lisa Blum, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena and Los Angeles, who specializes in emotionally focused therapy with couples. She believes that our culture, education system and parenting styles don't prepare us for the fact that even good relationships take effort.

She likened a healthy relationship to a good garden. "It's a beautiful thing but you wouldn't expect it to thrive without a whole lot of labor and TLC."

But how do you know if you're working too hard on a relationship? One sign, according to Blum, is if you're feeling unhappy more than you're happy. In other words, are you spending more time tending to the relationship and keeping it afloat than enjoying it?

This unhappiness becomes less of a rough patch, and more like the "normal state of affairs," she said.

Another bad sign is if you're trying hard to make improvements and changes, but you don't see the same level of effort on your partner's part. "There has to be some sense of 'we're trying really hard, both making changes and that's making a difference.'"

On the flip side, if both of you are trying and you can see positive changes being made at least some of the time, then that's a good sign, Blum said.

2. Myth: If partners really love each other, they know each other's needs and feelings.

Fact: "It's a setup to expect your partner to be able to read your mind," Blum said — because when you anticipate that your partner will know your wants, that's essentially what you're doing. We develop this expectation as kids, she said. But "as adults, we're always responsible for communicating our feelings and needs."

And once you've communicated your needs and feelings, "a better measure of the quality of your relationship" is whether your partner actually listens to your words. [5 Communication Pitfalls and Pointers for Couples ]

3. Myth: If you're truly in love, passion will never fade.

Fact: Thanks to movies and romantic novels, we assume that if we genuinely love someone, "the passion, urging and loving" never go away. And if they do disappear, then "it must not be the right relationship" or "our relationship [must be] in trouble," Orbuch said. However, passion naturally diminishes in all relationships.

Daily routines are one of the culprits, Blum said. As their responsibilities grow and roles expand, couples have less and less time and energy for each other.

But this doesn't mean that the passion is gone for good. With a little planning and playfulness, you can boost passion. Blum sees many relationships where passion is alive and well. "Passionate sex is a byproduct of sustained emotional intimacy along with a continuing sense of adventure and exploration and sense of playfulness." Orbuch also has emphasized the importance of couples doing new things to perk up their relationships (see her specific advice).

And when it comes to passion-squashing routines, Blum suggested couples ask themselves: "How do we tame our lives sufficiently that we can make time for each other and have energy left for each other?"

4. Myth: Having a child will strengthen your relationship or marriage.

Fact: Studies have shown that relationship happiness actually decreases with every child, she said. This doesn't mean that you start loving each other less or that you won't bond at all over your child, Orbuch said. But the mounting challenges can complicate relationships.

Having realistic expectations helps couples prepare themselves for their new roles, she said. When you think that a child will improve your relationship, it only adds to the complications.

As Orbuch said, "'should' statements don't allow you to see what the other person is doing to strengthen and manage the relationship," and these expectations "cloud your judgment." She recommended planning ahead and talking about the changes that will occur when you have your first child or more kids.

5. Myth: Jealousy is a sign of true love and caring.

Fact: Jealousy is more about how secure and confident you are with yourself and your relationship (or the lack thereof), she said. Take the following example: If you have a jealous partner, you might try to show them how much you care so they don't get jealous. But you soon realize that any amount of caring isn't a cure for their jealous reactions.

While you can be supportive, according to Orbuch, your partner must work on their insecurity issues on their own. "No matter what you do, you can't make your partner feel more secure" or "change their self-confidence."

Trying to make your partner jealous also can backfire. While men and women are just as likely to experience jealousy, their reactions differ. Men either get very defensive or angry, believing that the relationship isn't worth it, Orbuch said. Women, on the other hand, respond by trying to improve the relationship or themselves.

6. Myth: Fights ruin relationships.

Fact: In actuality, what ruins relationships is not resolving your fights, Blum said. "Fights can be really healthy, and an important form of communication and clearing the air."

Also, the type of fight a couple has plays a role. Not surprisingly, nasty, scornful or condescending fights that leave couples resolution-less and not talking for days damage the relationship. Productive conflicts that help the relationship end with "some mutual decision about how to manage this disagreement," Blum said. (Here's help on improving your communication and becoming a better listener and speaker.)

7. Myth: In order for the relationship to be successful, the other partner must change.

Fact: Many times we're very good at the blame game and not so good at pondering how we can become better partners. Instead, we demand that our partners make such and such changes.

Unless, there are extreme circumstances like abuse or chronic infidelity, Blum said, it takes two to make changes.

But even more than that, it's up to you to figure out what you can do. While this seems "simple and obvious," 100 percent of the couples Blum sees point the finger.

"It's a profound mental shift to look at what can I do [and] what changes can I make."

8. Myth: Couples therapy means your relationship is really in trouble.

Fact: By the time couples seek therapy, this may be true, but changing this mindset is key. Most couples seek therapy "when they've been suffering for a really long time," Blum said. "What elements were good in the relationship are destroyed."

Instead, Blum suggested that people view couples therapy as preventative. This way, a couple comes in when they've been stuck on one or two conflicts for a few months, "not five or six over the last 10 years."

This article was provided to LiveScience by PsychCentral.

Source:- http://www.livescience.com/15610-myths-kill-relationship-satisfaction.html.

          

How To End Up With The Right Partner

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Once you know what to watch out for, you can't get fooled.

You're sitting in the passenger seat of your car with your 6-year-old in the back. Her whimpering has turned to frightened sobbing; your blood is boiling. Your disagreeable spouse, at the wheel, has been ranting for 15 minutes, far too loudly for the confines of the car. He’s been complaining that you care more about your job than your family, that you're always late, that you leave the house a mess, and simply don’t have your act together.

This is appalling to you. You wouldn’t dream of treating a mouse running loose in your home with such abuse. Yet your spouse—your “lover”—feels entitled to bully you, and your young daughter, in this way.

You ask yourself: “How did I ever get trapped in this marriage?!”

To help you avoid ever landing in this scenario, I’m going to answer this question in three parts: The first pertains to our poor selection of a mate. The second involves a lack of revising our views as we get to know the person better. And the third describes how the person tries to manipulate us into staying.

1. Choosing Mr. or Ms. Wrong

Around the globe, young men and women have listed attraction and love as the top criteria for marriage, ranking it above personality traits (1). However, research suggests that the most happily married people are those who, regardless of what they think they want, simply end up with spouses who have excellent personality traits. In particular, a spouse’s emotional stability and agreeableness have been clearly linked to marital and sexual satisfaction (2). Surprise, surprise—it’s better to have a warm, cooperative mate than an unstable, disagreeable one!

You may be thinking that the spouses with excellent traits sound boring. You want someone very attractive and interesting, and believe you're willing to put up with some moodiness or arrogance to have that attraction. But consider how these arrogant, moody individuals derive attention: They are only sporadically emotionally or physically available, which gives the impression that access to them is a scarce and thus valuable resource (see below). Their love and good moods must be earned, a process that holds at bay any objective evaluation of their character.

I suspect that what many decent people in such relationships or marriages don’t realize, until they have endured a very long stretch of unfairness, is that their arrogant partner entered the relationship expecting special consideration. Much like in a dating relationship in which the party who desires the other more must accommodate the other’s wishes, the arrogant spouse assumes you will do more than half the work to compensate for your lower desirability. Their expectation sounds unreasonable, but arrogant people are image builders not truth-seekers.

2. Focusing on the Positive Obscures the Truth

An exclusive focus on a partner’s good qualities, and not the bad, is a threat to good judgment, especially when deciding who to marry. Consider what Walter Mischel observed regarding how people judged whether a given person had a certain personality trait (4). He found that they would recall and string together examples of that person’s behavior across time that were highly representative of that specific trait—yet they would fail to notice contradictory examples. This is why he concluded that we see other people as more consistent than they really are. For instance, in determining whether a friend is caring, we might think back to when she brought us chicken noodle soup when we were sick, lent us money to pay the rent, or threw a surprise party on our 21st birthday. And once we think of her as very caring, we may simply overlook her other, uncaring behaviors.

Imagine a prospective wife who imagines that her boyfriend is a very good person—good enough to marry. Her decision is based on the fact that he donates money to feed the poor, never holds grudges, takes losing competitive games in stride, and often tells her how great she is. But she downplays that time he very aggressively berated her for talking to him while he was on the phone with a client. It was an honest mistake, but it left her walking on eggshells during his phone calls for months.

Imagine, too, a prospective husband who thinks his girlfriend is an angel for always doing his laundry, leaving him sweet notes and small presents, cooking his favorite meals, and giving him long leisurely back rubs. But she was no angel that time he came through the front door a couple of hours late from work. She rushed out from the dark bedroom with her arms crossed and a look of fury on her face. Pointing a finger one inch from his nose, she screamed so loudly that neighbors down the hall could hear her accusing him of cheating with that “slut” co-worker. The next day she was sweetly smiling and apologetic. She explained that she was not her usual self the previous night because she’d had a bad headache. He forgave her, and they had fantastic “make-up sex.” He felt more in love with her than ever.

I would argue that neither the girlfriend nor the boyfriend in these scenarios is decent enough to marry. In each case, the person demeaned his or her lover. If the roles were reversed, you would never belittle anyone! Your worst headache might make you a bit short with the person, but never insulting. Their belittling behavior (including the use of the word “slut”—which a humble person would not use) signals their arrogance, a trait tied to deception and exploitation (5).

You can never be sure if a romantic partner is decent enough to marry, but you can tell when they are not good enough from belittling acts like these.

3. The Arrogant Won’t Let You Go

When you try to dump the person after an outburst like the one described above, he or she might argue that they said they were sorry and it was only one mistake. But while a humble person acknowledges your right to leave and does not interfere with it, the arrogant person has an image to defend. They might say many things to make you feel guilty, to manipulate you into staying—for example, they might remind you how much they "sacrificed" to be with you. Don’t let such comments get to you—the arrogant partner may well have a contingency plan with other people waiting in the wings if things don’t work out with you.

They might also ask, “Whatever happened to unconditional positive regard?” (or words to that effect). But remember that evaluating the character of your partner is what you are supposed to be doing before marrying the person. You can respond, “Yes, I was wondering that myself when you were so out-of-line with your outburst. If you had done that on our first date, I would never have gone on a second one with you. Anyhow, the fact that you are trying to make me feel guilty to keep me from leaving is in itself an outrage.”

How to Proceed

To keep from ending up with an arrogant, deceptive, or exploitative spouse, cast a broad net. There are so many single people out there, especially on internet dating sites—you have no excuse for settling for the gummy worms on the kitchen counter when you can find a golden apple elsewhere.

What you're looking for is humility—and what you're avoiding is arrogance. The trait of humility is a must-have that undergirds sincerity and the promise of a fair marriage. Looking through this lens, you might find it easy to screen out arrogant people on sites like eHarmony, where respondents are asked hundreds of questions, such as whether it’s okay for women to propose marriage or become priests. If they say no, it may beg the question of why only men would be entitled to do those things.

You can’t be sure a person is humble; but when you encounter even one stunningly arrogant act, that may be you need to see to reject the hope that they are. Finally, don’t waste time after you see that hideous haughtiness. Yes, you are going to get grief from the arrogant person for dumping him or her, but that should simply give you the strength of confirmation to make sure the break is clean.

When you do find that sincere, humble, fair-minded person, you might be shocked to discover how sexy he or she is. It might be overwhelming to finally share a passion based on discovering the person in front of you—free from the conventional gender roles and judgments. There is nothing to fear, however, because the formula for communicating remains simple: You always mean what you say.

Source:- www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight/201404/how-end-the-right-partner

Stonewalling in Marital Relationships

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Stonewalling, is defined as a.To engage in delaying tactics; stall: b. To refuse to answer or cooperate. What exactly does this look like in a marriage? Below are a few examples of stonewalling in a relationship:

• Your wife has done something that hurts your feelings or, there is a problem in the marriage that you wish to discuss with her. Your attempts to communicate your feelingsover the situation are met with silence. Her way of avoiding conflict is to refuse to participate in the conversation.


• Your husband spends all weekend watching sports instead of participating in family activities. You sit with him, explain to him that you don’t have a problem with him watching sports but would like for him to take a few hours of his weekend to spend with the family. He responds by folding his arms and muttering, “whatever.” Then he is back to watching the game. He is totally disconnected from the family and what the family needs from him. 
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• Your wife is a shopaholic, so much so that you begin to worry about the financial repercussions of her spending habits. You feel a need to discuss the problem with her and set some boundaries on her spending. Half way through the conversation she changes the subject; it is no longer about her shopping but now about how much time you spend at work. Her taking the spotlight off of her faults and shining it on yours is a display of smugness. “How dare you point out my flaws, when you have flaws of your own.”

Did I Marry the Wrong Person?

CBN.com – As the latest divorce statistics demonstrate, it seems that people are giving up on their marriages in record numbers. And unfortunately, the number of Christians divorcing is no lower than that of non-believers. Why is that? Why are so many marriages failing?

According to author and speaker Mark Gungor, the problem stems from couples’ expectations about what marriage should be like. Gungor is a pastor and a highly sought-after speaker. His “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” seminars are attended by thousands each year. After thirty years of ministering to couples, Gungor says the most common problem he sees in marriages is that couples don’t understand how relationships really work.

“People think that if a marriage is meant to be, it will just be,” Gungor says.

He compares it to Proverbs 14:4 which says, "Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, but much increase comes by the strength of the ox."

“Like the ox, marriage is a great, productive thing,” he says. “But if you are going to have an ox, then you’re going to have ox poo. There is no such thing as a poo-free marriage.  The problem is, many don’t expect to find any poo at all in their marriage, and when they encounter stuff that stinks, they see it as a sign that they married the wrong person.” 

Contrary to what many believe, the success of a marriage has little to do with marrying the right person, he says.

“The truth is, a successful marriage is not the result of marrying the “right” person, feeling the “right” emotions, thinking the “right” thoughts, or even praying the “right” prayers,” Gungor writes in his book. “It’s about doing the “right” things -- period.”

His belief that there are no “soul mates” and that God doesn’t create one person “just for you” may not be popular with Christians who have been raised to believe that a good marriage is all about finding the spouse that God has created for them.

“Surprising to many, the Bible never tells us to find the one God has chosen.  It tells us how to live with the person we have chosen,” Gungor says.  “Why doesn’t God have a special person just for you?  Because He knows that His principles of love, acceptance, patience, and forgiveness work, and they work all the time, every time — no matter to whom you are married.”

The problem, he says, is that when couples run into difficulties or conflicts in their relationships, they assume they must have made a mistake and that they aren’t really meant to be together.

“Then the unwise voices of modern convention scream in their minds: ‘If things are bad, you married the wrong person.’  ‘It’s not supposed to be this hard.’  ‘You’ve made a mistake.’  ‘God doesn’t want you to feel unloved.’" As a result, couples bail on their marriages.

But couples, and especially Christians, should not succumb to these false beliefs.

“Marriage for the Christian is supposed to be on a completely different footing than the what do I get out of this mindset," Gungor writes. “We aren’t supposed to be tossing difficult relationships away like some kind of disposable diaper.”

Through his “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” seminars, and his book by the same name, Gungor seeks to educate couples about the work that it takes to build a successful marriage. He believes that there are “marriage physics” laws that must be followed for couples to have thriving marriages.

“Just as there are laws of physics that affect everyone regardless of who they are or what they believe, there are also laws of marriage physics.  Sadly, people keep breaking all the laws and then are stunned by the fact that their marriage stinks,” Gungor says.  “If your marriage stinks, someone is breaking the rules of marriage physics. Unfortunately, most are unaware that rules exist, much less know what they are.”

In his book, Gungor explains these rules including discussions about how men and women think differently, communicate differently, and want different things from relationships. His frank discussions about sex, money, expectations, and conflict also help readers identify what they may be doing wrong in these areas and how to find solutions.

In addition to living by these laws of marriage physics, Gungor says that another key to turning around a failing marriage is for couples to understand the true nature and purpose of marriage. Rather than viewing marriage as a way to have their own needs met, the author says, couples should consider marriage as a training ground to help them become more Christ-like.

“God wants to kill you,” Gungor writes in his book. “Not the physical you, but the selfish you. Jesus taught us that if we don’t die to our selfish nature, we will never be able to experience all the blessings that God wants to bestow on us. Well, if there was ever an institution designed to kill the selfish you, it’s marriage. In fact, it is virtually impossible to succeed at marriage if you don’t learn how to let the selfish part of you die.”

Gungor’s advice should be required reading not only for married couples but for anyone considering marriage in the future. His relatable writing style and candid humor offer not only relational insights for spouses, but his book offers a message of hope as well. Regardless of the problems that spouses are having, with God’s guidance and the desire to make the marriage work, building a happy and successful marriage is possible.

Want more tips about how to have a successful marriage? Check out Gungor’s book, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage.

Source:- http://www.cbn.com/family/marriage/elliott_wrongperson.aspx

Women´s Infidelity

The only place where you'll find out the specific pattern women follow before divorcing their husbands           "After researching women's sexuality for more than ten years, I can honestly say that most of our societal beliefs about females are grossly distorted and many are completely erroneous."                                           -Michelle Langley, author of Women's Infidelity

Women's relationships today follow a very predictable pattern: They push men for commitment They get what they want They lose interest in sex They become attracted to someone else They start cheating They become angry and resentful They begin telling their partners that they need time apart They blame their partners for their behavior...and eventually, after making themselves and everyone around themmiserable for an indefinite, but usually, long period of time, they end their relationships or marriages.