What is a Healthy Relationship?

What is a Healthy Relationship?

 

Find out what constitutes a healthy relationship and the things you need to keep a relationship healthy.
There are reliable tools that can be used to create a healthy relationship, many of which have not been taught in our culture. If you want to have a really healthy relationship, follow these simple guidelines.

1. advertisement

   Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Accept yourself. Respect yourself. Love yourself first. Take good care of yourself. If you really want, you CAN always find something to do that makes you feel good about yourself right now. Love yourself, so pursue your true needs. Light up your true desires. Ask yourself why you didn't? Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner for making them that way. Your life is ONLY under your control. Keep reminding yourself you are GOOD ENOUGH to have a happy life and a healthy relationship. Make yourself happy, and then share with one another.
2. Make and keep clear agreements. Respect the difference between yourself and your partner. Don't expect he or she agrees with you on everything. Reach mutual agreement or plan, and then commit to it. Leave the partner if you can't reach any agreement or you find he or she always makes excuses for breaking the agreement or plan. If you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time, or call if you're going to be late. If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement and/or tell the truth about any feelings you're having about someone else before you act on them. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.
3. Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can either choose to be right, or you can have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Most people argue to be "right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Okay, you're right." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, and you learn to love and share and learn from those experiences. If you can't reach any mutual agreement, that doesn't mean either of you is wrong or bad, it only means you don't suit each other.
4. Approach your relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important information for you to learn. For example, do you often feel 'bossed' around in your relationship, or do you feel powerless? When a relationship is not working, there is usually a familiar way that we feel while in it. We are attracted to the partner with whom we can learn the most, and sometimes the lesson is to let go of a relationship that no longer serves us. A truly healthy relationship will consist of both partners who are interested in learning and expanding a relationship so that it continues to improve.
5. Tell the unarguable truth. Be truthful to yourself and your partner if you want true love. Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or those of their partner. Lies create disconnection between you and your relationship, even if your partner never finds out about it. The unarguable truth is about your true feelings; your partner can argue about anything that happens outside of you, but he or she cannot rationally deny your feelings. Here are some examples: "I felt scared when I saw you talking to him at the party," "I feel angry when you hang up on me," and "I felt sad when you walked out during our fight and didn't want to be around me.
6. Do not do anything for your partner if it comes with an expectation of reciprocation. The things you do for your partner must always be done because you chose to do them and you wanted to do them. Do not hold your "good deeds" over their head at a later time. Keeping score in a relationship will never work: a person is less likely to notice and value all the contributions of their partner as much as their own.
7. Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a decision of letting go the past and focusing on the present. It's about taking control of your current situation. Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit to it. If you can't reach an agreement, it's a bad sign. If you learn from the past and do not repeat the same pattern, it's a good sign. It's the only way to prevent yourself from more disappointment, anger or resentment. Respect your partner, when your partner tells you to leave them alone, do give him or her the time and space.
8. Review your expectations. Try to be as clear as you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and attitudes, especially attitudes towards money. Make sure you don't expect your partner to fulfil every need in your life. One person cannot be everything to you. Everybody needs love, intimacy, affection, and affirmation, but your partner cannot alone give you all of that. You need to get some from your friends, from your family, but first and foremost, love yourself. Attempting to change someone else's mode of processing or personality style won't work -- and will create derailments.
9. Be Responsible. Here's a new definition: Responsible means that you have the ability to respond. Respond to the real problem, to your true needs. It does not mean you are to blame. There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up to it, and get curious about why you are jealous and how you might do it differently next time. If you are unhappy in your relationship, get curious about why this situation seems similar to others from your past, and how you might create a better relationship for yourself rather than dwell in anger or resentment or try to change your partner instead.
10. Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your beloved that you love him or her, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better.
11. Admit your mistakes and say sorry. Right after a misunderstanding or argument, tell your partner to give you some time to think of the wrong and right things that you and he/she did. Tell your partner to do the same thing and talk to them after 10-15 minutes. Tell your partner to give you time to talk and explain to them why you were angry, the wrong things you did, the things they did that you did not like and what you would like them to change. Ask your partner to do the same thing and give them a fair chance to talk and explain also. This will make your relationship stronger and help strengthen the communication between you and your partner.
12. Spend some quality time together- No matter how busy you two are, there is always an excitement when you do something together, when you share your precious time. Play a sport, eat at a restaurant, watch your favorite movies together. You will feel the magic of love and connection that you have with each other.

Source:- http://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/healthy-relationships/what-is-a-healthy-relationship/

Arranging child maintenance yourself

You can arrange child maintenance yourself if both parents agree. This is called a ‘family-based arrangement’.

Family-based arrangements

A family-based arrangement is a private way to sort out child maintenance.
Parents arrange everything themselves and no-one else has to be involved. It’s flexible and can be changed if circumstances change.
You agree how much the payments should be and when they should be made. There’s no official paperwork but you can write down your agreement in case of future disagreement.
For example, you could both agree that the paying parent pays:

• a proportion of their income
• for things like school clothes instead of giving money
• a regular set amount directly to the parent with care

Family-based arrangements aren’t legally binding. If there are problems, you can still apply to make a legally-binding arrangement.

Working out payments

If you agree to have a regular set amount, you can use the child maintenance calculator to work out what it should be.

Get help to agree payments

Contact Child Maintenance Options for free information on setting up a family-based arrangement and getting help to agree payments.

Child Maintenance Options
Telephone: 0800 0835 130
Monday to Friday, 8am to 8pm
Saturday, 9am to 4pm Find out about call charges

If you can’t agree on payments

You can get Child Maintenance Service to collect payments if you can’t agree between you - this is called a ‘statutory arrangement’. You must contact Child Maintenance Options first.

You’ll have to pay a fee if you arrange payments through the Child Maintenance Service.

Source:- https://www.gov.uk/arranging-child-maintenance-yourself

What Married Couples Should Know About the Silent Treatment

It is Abusive

 

Photo: Roberta Krasnig / Getty Images

The silent treatment doesn't work. And it is mean. This form of emotional and verbal abuse as a

manipulation tactic is also ineffective and hurts your marriage. As well as leaving important issues in your marriage unresolved, the silent treatment may make your spouse feel worthless, unloved, hurt, confused, frustrated, angry, and unimportant. When you sulk or pout and refuse to talk about a problem, accept an apology, or help make a decision, not only are you shutting your spouse out, you are being cruel. Like saying "I don't care" or "whatever" or rolling your eyes or smirking, using the silent treatment is a cop out.

 

How to Respond to the Silent Treatment

• If your spouse denies giving you the silent treatment by saying it's just a cooling off period or a desire for some space or time alone, point out in a respectful tone of voice that you are not a mind reader and that a need for space should be expressed prior to the period of silence and that there should be a time limit to wanting time to cool off or get your act together.


• Some experts recommend not acknowledging the silence or cold shoulder mode and suggest you leave your spouse alone to sulk.


• Don't respond with threats.


• Recognize the tactic of not talking to you is a control tactic or a way of avoiding having to admit making a mistake. Quit inventing ways to get your mate to speak to you.


• Walk away. Do something fun or interesting that you want to do. But if your spouse talks to you, respond with a soft courteous voice.

What Others Have to Say About the Silent Treatment

Kipling D. Williams: "A survey of over 2,000 Americans conducted by Faulkner et al. (1997) found that 67% admitted to using the silent treatment, deliberately not speaking to a person in their presence, or a loved one. The percentage was slightly higher (75%) for those who indicated that they had been a target of the silent treatment by a loved one ... They found that the silent treatment was just as likely to be used by males as females, and that it was used more often to terminate a partner's behaviors than to elicit them."
Source:Kipling D. Williams PhD. Ostracism: The Power of Silence. 2002. pgs. 9-10.

 

Gregory L. Jantz, Ann McMurray: "The silence, the loss of verbal relationship, is meant to exact an emotional toll on the other person, who often will go to great lengths to attempt to restore communication with the abuser. This level of control is precisely what the abuser is looking for, as well as a way to vent his or her anger at the other person. By not verbally expressing that anger, by 'avoiding' showing anger, the abuser is allowed to feel as if the victim is the only person at fault for whatever wrong is perceived by the abuser. If the victim responds to the silent treatment with anger, the abuser is doubly vindicated."
Source: Gregory L. Jantz, PhD, Ann McMurray. Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse. 2009. pg. 78.

Walter B. Roberts: "Silent Treatments are used to control the situation by their lack of responses. When they do nothing, others have to do all the work. The power of the Silent Treatments rests in their abilities to always be right ... They maintain a position of superiority by not owning a part of a plan -- if we let them get away with it ... The trick is always to keep the Silent Treatments engaged and maybe even provide a little positive provocation to get them to respond, as a method of increasing their participation."
Source: Walter B. Roberts Jr. Working With Parents of Bullies and Victims. 2008. pg. 75.

Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H. Bower: "The best way to counter the silent treatment is to assert your rights and ask for a speaking partner."
Source: Sharon Anthony Bower, Gordon H. Bower. Asserting Your-Self: A Practical Guide for Positive Change. 1991. pg. 121.

Source:-  http://marriage.about.com/od/nonverbal/a/What-Married-Couples-Should-Know-About-The-Silent-Treatment.htm

Marital Education Programs Help Keep Couples Together

In the United States, couples marrying for the first time have approximately a fifty percent chance of divorcing. Psychologists are helping couples' "I do" last a lifetime through development and application of scientifically tested relationship education programs.

Findings

The divorce rate in the United States has declined in recent years, but about half of people marrying for the first time still end up divorced. And for those that stayed married, many are in unhappy marriages, which research shows is a risk factor for poorer mental and physical health and is associated with an increased risk for relationship aggression. While altering the course of marriage is not an easy task, psychological research shows that researched-based marital education programs are effective in helping couples stay together and making unhappy marriages more satisfying.

Research begun in the 1970's by psychologists Howard Markman, PhD, John Gottman, PhD, and others found that the quality of interaction between husbands and wives was highly predictive of marital distress or divorce. The studies indicated that couples who interacted more negatively than other couples had marriages that that were in trouble or predicted future marital distress. Negative interaction is considered a dynamic behavior factor that couples can change to improve their odds of staying together. That contrasts with relatively static factors that are hard to change once married, including having divorced parents, marrying at a very young age and having a personality tendency to react strongly or defensively to problems and disappointments-all risk factors for marital distress.
Marital education programs that focus on the dynamic factors have been proven to strengthen marriages. One such program is the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP), created by Dr. Markman and his associates at the University of Denver's Center for Marital and Family Studies. PREP teaches couples communication and problem solving skills found to be linked to effective marital functioning, such as ground rules for handling conflict, forgiveness, speaker/listener techniques, and how to preserve and enhance fun, friendship and sensuality. Studies on the effectiveness of PREP find that couples that have participated in PREP are less likely to get divorced and have significantly higher levels of marital satisfaction. One long-term study on PREP found that couples who took the program before marriage had less negative interaction, more positive interaction, lower rates of relationship aggression, lower combined rates of breakup or divorce and higher levels of relationship satisfaction up to five years following the training (Markman, Floyd, Stanley, & Storaasli, 1988, Markman, Renick, Floyd, Stanley, & Clements, 1993). Studies on a German adaptation of PREP show that couples taking PREP had consistently more positive and less negative interaction at every assessment point after the training and at the five year point, couples taking PREP before marriage had a divorce rate of three percent compared to 16 percent for couples in the control group.

Significance

Serious marital conflict is a generic risk factor for a number of mental health problems for both children (e.g., conduct disorders) and adults (e.g., depression) and can also lead to physical health problems. Research on the prevention of marital distress had lead to the development of empirically based and tested programs that can help alter the course of marriage and prevent divorce.

Practical Application

The PREP program is successfully being used around the world with married and soon-to-be married couples. Dr. Markman and Scott Stanley, PhD, the other co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, have created three corporations to provide vehicles for the dissemination of training and products based on PREP and empirical marital research. Since 1989, the corporations have been actively training clergy, mental health professionals and lay leaders around the world. To date they have trained 6,876 individuals to become PREP Instructors in 28 countries. PREP has both secular and religious programs so it has the capacity to reach individuals in every segment of society.

Other research-based marital therapy programs that are strengthening marriages include Couples Communication and PAIRS. The Couples Communication Program was developed by psychologist Sherod Miller, PhD and colleagues at the University of Minnesota Family Study Center and is another program that focuses on how couples interact. The program involves use of an "awareness wheel" and "listening wheel" which allows couples to map out issues and help them become active listeners. More than 70 published studies demonstrate the positive effects of the program. To date over 600,000 couples worldwide have used the program since its development.
The PAIRS program - Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills created by Lori Gordon, PhD, focuses on emotional issues from couple's past, which shaped the way they act and react in relationships. The program teaches speaking, listening and problem solving skills. Research shows PAIRS is effective in all populations for which it has been adapted. PAIRS has relationship skills training programs for children and youth that are taught in schools, churches and agencies. PAIRS has program for the military for use by chaplains and family service workers. PAIRS also has a program taught by healthcare workers to populations needing the restorative power of a healthy and healing relationship. PAIRS is currently developing programs and program delivery systems for disadvantaged youth, unmarried families, single parents, domestic violence, prison parolees, and related groups who can benefit from relationship skills training.

This article is on the American Psychological Association's website. http://www.apa.org/research/action/marital.aspx

The Married Couples Who NEVER Have Sex

The married couples who NEVER have sex but insist they're happy: Are they deluded - or just honest?

• Charlotte, 34, and Chris, 40, say they don't 'have time or energy for sex'
• Tracey and Julian haven't had sex for a year because of his demanding job
• Psychologist warns lack of sex in a marriage often leads to affairs

Most evenings, with their little girl safely tucked up in bed, Charlotte and Chris Everiss enjoy a kiss and a cuddle on the sofa in front of the television.
Happily married for a decade, the couple cannot bear to even imagine their lives without one another. Yet, astonishingly, they haven’t made love for more than two years.
Both insist that their marriage, which followed a two-year courtship after meeting on a dating website, is stronger than most. It’s just that sex, they say, is not important to their happiness.

Too tired: Charlotte and Chris haven't made love for more than two years

‘We still turn each other on but we don’t want to take it any further,’ says Charlotte. ‘We don’t have the time or the energy.
‘I find it hard switching off knowing that our four-year-old, Addison, is in the next bedroom. I think if Chris really missed sex he would tell me, or I’d catch him watching porn on the internet as a substitute.

‘But he doesn’t seem to want to go back to having sex, either.
‘We sound like Darby and Joan, I know - even though I’m only 34 and Chris is 40 - but that, to us, is contentment.’

Content with a kiss and cuddle on the sofa: The couple, who have a four-year-old, say they are happy not to take it further

Charlotte and Chris, it seems, aren’t the only ones whose sex life has dwindled to nothing. A recent survey estimated that 15 to 20 per cent of couples have sexless relationships - defined by experts as making love fewer than ten times a year - while around 5 per cent go without altogether.
Actress Helen Mirren spoke for many of these couples earlier this year when she said: ‘I think the power of partnership in marriage is under-recognised in our society. That’s what makes marriages work, not sex.’

'I don't know that we're all that different from other couples, we're just more open about it'

In a sex-obsessed society, where everyone - young, old, male and female - seems to be boasting of how many times a week they ‘do it’, it may come as a relief to many that couples like Charlotte and Chris are happy to admit that sex plays no part in their marriages at all.
Most couples who find themselves at a point where sexual intimacy has died tend to confide their predicament to no one at all. But today three brave couples reveal to Femail how they have learned to live contented lives without sex.
You don’t need a degree in psychology to work out why Charlotte, a social media consultant from Great Wyrley, Staffordshire - who in the early years of her marriage made love to her husband three times a week - may have problems surrounding sex.
Three years ago, when their daughter was 18 months old, Charlotte almost died after an ectopic pregnancy resulted in her having a partial hysterectomy during a six-hour operation. Since then, she and Chris have made love only once, around ten months after her loss, an encounter from which she derived no pleasure.

Stronger than ever: Charlotte and Chris have been married for ten years and say lack of sex has not damaged their relationship

Chris is understanding about her aversion to sex. ‘It can be hard knowing that our cuddles will never lead to anything more intimate,’ he says. ‘Charlotte is a gorgeous woman and I’m still very attracted to her, but she nearly died and I count my blessings every day that she’s even still here.’
‘I have an hour-long commute at either end of my working day so, to be honest, most of the time I’m too tired for sex anyway.’
Chris, a digital marketing manager, says he doesn’t discuss with friends the absence of sex from his marriage, but believes it is more common than people admit.
‘I don’t know that we’re all that different from other couples, we’re just more open about it,’ he says.
In all other respects, the Everisses have an enviable lifestyle. They live in a beautiful, four-bedroom detached home, have a Mini Cooper convertible and a VW Golf parked on the driveway, and enjoy several foreign holidays a year.

'Of course, men have their needs, but I think I'm better able to control my urges than some - I distract myself with hobbies, like doing up old cars'

Chris firmly believes that marriage is a lifelong commitment and says that walking out on his family has never crossed his mind.
But for a couple who have not yet reached middle age, surely the prospect of living another 40 years without fulfilling basic, primitive urges is difficult to bear?
‘It’s not as if we just stopped having sex because we stopped loving one another, there are reasons,’ says Chris. ‘I don’t take it personally, and my wife and daughter mean far too much to me to look elsewhere for sex.
‘Of course, men have their needs, but I think I’m better able to control my urges than some - I distract myself with hobbies, like doing up old cars.
‘However, I am hopeful that in the future, when Charlotte and I both feel better in ourselves, our sex life will resume.’
Charlotte is less optimistic.
‘Sex was an important part of our relationship in the early days. Like most new couples we had lots of it and it was good,’ she says.
‘I do feel guilty knowing that Chris sometimes gets aroused when we snuggle up together so, out of wifely duty, I’ve tried to let him make love to me a couple of times in the past three years.
‘The one time we went all the way, after we’d shared a bottle of wine one Friday night, it wasn’t at all enjoyable for me. It wasn’t painful, but I lay there thinking: “How quickly can we get this over with?”
‘I think Chris probably sensed that, which is not great, but maybe he was just relieved it was happening at all.’
While some girlfriends have admitted to Charlotte that they, too, rarely make love with their husbands, her openness about her own situation has cost her one friendship.

Stressed: Tracey and Julian's sex life is on the back-burner while he focuses on his career

‘Most mums I know think the ironing basket is a more attractive option than sleeping with their husbands, and they can go months without sex,’ says Charlotte. ‘But one friend, who has a very active sex life, thinks it’s abnormal that Chris and I don’t make love. I felt she was judging us, so we don’t really speak any more.’
Psychologist Leila Collins says it’s all too common for mothers to ‘shut up shop’ and stop having sex with their partners once their family is complete.

'We talk about rekindling our love life but never seem to get around to it'

Predictably, what often follows is that their men then start affairs, or seek out the services of prostitutes.
‘Lack of sex in a marriage is the reason behind lots of affairs,’ she says. ‘Other men will pay for sex rather than risk losing their families.
‘Sexless relationships are a lot more common than people realise - I hear about this issue all the time from patients.’
But it’s not just women who call a halt to lovemaking.
Tracey Dowler, 42, spent several months worrying that husband Julian, 55, didn’t want to make love to her because he was attracted to other women. But she has now accepted that the stress of his demanding job as director of a motor mechanical and haulage company is the reason they no longer have sex.
And, while she admits there have been times when she has felt like walking out of their immaculate, three-bedroom semi-detached home in Rugby, Warwickshire, over the lack of intimacy, Tracey values other aspects of their marriage too highly.
‘We got married in 2007 after only knowing each other for six months, so it was pretty whirlwind,’ says Tracey, a wedding fair organiser. ‘When we were dating, we’d have sex up to three times a night, which was wonderful, but after the wedding we only made love once or twice a week. We started going months between encounters and now we haven’t made love for well over a year.’

Soul mates: Tracey values other aspects of her marriage too highly to be concerned about lack of intimacy

Tracey still feels very attracted to her husband, and he says the same of her. The couple are loving in other ways, holding hands when they go out together, kissing one another goodnight before going to sleep and saying “I love you” at the end of telephone conversations.

'For us, sex really is not the be-all and end-all of married life'

But Julian has 40 employees under him and says his job has become far more demanding in the years since their wedding. He gets up at 4am to start work at 5am, puts in a 12-hour day and, as he is on 24-hour call, his phone often rings several times during the night with drivers needing advice.
Weekends are no more relaxing as Julian also runs a photography business, which he is hoping will take off enough for him to concentrate on it full time.
They are both keen to have a family together. They’ve had IVF and plan to have another round of it in August.
‘We talk about rekindling our love life but never seem to get around to it,’ says Julian. ‘We had a weekend away at a country hotel a couple of weeks ago and I was so exhausted I spent most of the time asleep.’
Julian regards Tracey as his best friend and soulmate - a fact common, it seems, to many couples enduring sexless marriages - and believes that once he retires they will be able to rekindle some semblance of romance.

No sex please: Rhae and Keith haven't made love for the last eight years after he was diagnosed with prostate cancer

Once a couple gets out of the habit of having sex, however, this can be easier said than done.
‘Couples who don’t make love start living like brother and sister or friends and get out of the habit of seeing one another in a sexual way,’ says Relate counsellor Paula Hall.
‘If both partners want to reintroduce sex, we encourage them to do so slowly, learning how to be sensual with each other and gradually building up to intercourse.’

BETWEEN THE SHEETS

The average person has sex 103 times per year, one study has found

Rhae and Keith Elliott, from Cambridgeshire, have been married for 44 years but have not been intimate for more than eight years.
When Rhae was 56 and Keith 67, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer that affected his sexual function and, although his GP said Viagra may help, Keith never pursued it.
‘To be honest, I felt embarrassed discussing it with my female doctor and couldn’t wait to get out of the surgery and forget about it,’ recalls Keith, now 75, a retired senior foundry manager. ‘Even before the prostate cancer, we’d go weeks without sex. For me it was never the most important thing in the world, and I’d say the same for Rhae.
‘I don’t feel pressured to try because Rhae doesn’t put me under any pressure. For us, sex really is not the be-all and end-all of married life.’
Rhae has found the absence of sex in their marriage more difficult to come to terms with.
‘I’m 64 now and have been celibate for eight years,’ she says. ‘During the first couple of years, I’d get very upset when Keith rejected my advances.
‘He’d say: “I’m sure we’ll get back to doing it eventually”.

Married for 44 years: Keith and Rhae say their relationship is now more about companionship

‘Then in 2007, we were living in France, renovating a house, when I raised the subject of sex and Keith said “Rhae, I don’t want to do it any more, can we stop talking about it?”
‘I had to decide then whether our relationship was more important to me than my sex life. And it is.
‘I have friends who sleep apart from their husbands and some don’t even like them very much, but Keith and I are really close.

'I don't worry that Chris will stray if I don't make love to him - he's too much of a gentleman'

‘We’ve had some wonderful trips to China, Australia, America, Canada and Fiji. We go on fishing trips together and love gardening - we’re great companions.’
The Elliotts have a grown-up daughter and Rhae, a retired chief administrator, says the irony is not lost on her that, in her younger years as a working mother, she often felt too tired and stressed to fulfil her husband’s desires.

‘But we’ve gone without sex for so long now, I wouldn’t want Keith to try Viagra,’ she says. ‘Our relationship has morphed into companionship, and I think to have sex now would be embarrassing.
‘We’re used to seeing one another naked, when we undress or are in the bath, but if Keith made advances now it would be like getting intimate with my brother, or best friend. Just not right, somehow.’

Death knell: Lack of intimacy can lead to the breakdown of many marriages (posed by models)

Janice Hiller, consultant clinical psychologist at London’s Tavistock Centre for relationships, counsels hundreds of couples a year and says the death of intimacy in marriage is the reason most people seek help.
‘I’m sure many more don’t sign up for counselling but make a choice to stay together without sex,’ she says.
‘It often starts when parents of young children start seeing their partner as a parent rather than a love object. We have evolved to do that, but the danger is that some people get over-preoccupied with that role, making it awkward to start having sex again.’
While Charlotte Everiss acknowledges that she was traumatised by events surrounding her ectopic pregnancy, she says that she and Chris feel no need for counselling.
‘We don’t feel the need for a sexual relationship to prove we have a solid marriage,’ she says. ‘Having our family over for Sunday lunch makes us just as happy these days.
‘And I don’t worry that Chris will stray if I don’t make love to him - he’s too much of a gentleman for that.’
Source:- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2332927/The-married-couples-NEVER-sex-insist-theyre-happy-Are-deluded--just-honest.html

Was It The Chocolate Pudding

WAS IT THE CHOCOLATE PUDDING: A STORY FOR LITTLE KIDS
ABOUT DIVORCE by SANDRA LEVINS (A Review)


When it comes to children of divorce, one thing that has changed in recent years is 
the number of books available for and about children of divorce. In many ways, 
this is a step in the right direction, but with more availability comes more need for 
discernment about good vs. bad resources.  At Divorce Ministry 4 Kids, we are 
committed to helping you to sort out the good from the bad. With that in mind, we 
continue review these resources to give you our thoughts and opinions.

Introduction

I have been looking forward to reading this book since I first heard about it. Let’s face 
it, the title and cover art are catchy. Plus, as someone who works with kids, I can 
almost imagine a child, in a timid voice, asking “Was it the chocolate pudding?” So, I was curious to see how chocolate pudding relates to divorce and hopeful that I could add another book to my list of recommended reading for children experiencing their parents’ divorce. Was It the Chocolate Pudding?: A Story for Little Kids about Divorce was written by Sandra Levins and Illustrated by Bryan Langdo. It was published in 2006 by Magination Press and addresses a serious concern for many children of divorce – whether or not they did something that caused the divorce of their parents. Check out this review, and make sure to read our interview with Sandra Levins at the end of this article.

Post-Divorce Parenting Mistakes and Strategies

Post-Divorce Parenting Mistakes and Strategies



The divorce rate in the United States is estimated by some statisticians to be close to 50 percent. What this means is that millions of parents in America and their children are wrestling with significant problems and needs.

Post-divorce parenting is fraught with danger, danger that you will inadvertently do damage on top of what the divorce has already done. To help you recognize mistakes you may be making and to avoid mistakes you're prone to make, Dr. Phil lists some of the biggest and most frequent mistakes those in your situation typically make:

Sabotaging your child's relationship with the other parent.

Using your child as a pawn to "get back at" or hurt your ex.

Using your child to gain information or to manipulate and influence your ex.

Transferring hurt feelings and frustrations toward your ex onto your child. (You may be particularly prone to this if your child bears physical or behavioral resemblances to your ex.)

Forcing your child to choose a side when there's a conflict in scheduling or another planning challenge.

Turning family events attended by both divorced parents into pressure cookers. Events that call for sensitivity include birthdays, holidays, school programs, extracurricular activities and performances.

Depending too much on your children for companionship and support because you're hurt and lonely and have adopted a siege mentality: "It's us against the world." This isn't a healthy position for either you or your child to adopt.

Treating your child like an adult because you're lonely or just want help. It is inappropriate to give your child an adult job. 

Becoming so emotionally needy that your child develops feelings of guilt if he or she spends time or even wants to spend time with your ex, friends, grandparents or others.

Converting guilt over the divorce into overindulgence when it comes to satisfying your child's material desires.

Besides making a commitment to avoid these mistakes, you should affirmatively commit to a family and parenting strategy that will help your child flourish in a divorced home. Key components of such a strategy include:

Commit to learn, adopt and apply all the principles set forth in Family First. The philosophies, tools and strategies described in this book are critical to having a healthy, happy family and raising successful, authentic children, whether or not both parents live in the home.

Sit down with your ex and make an affirmative plan that sets aside any differences you may have and focuses instead on meeting the needs of your children. 

Agree with your ex that you absolutely won't disparage each other to your children. Further, forbid your children to speak disrespectfully about the other parent, even though it may be music to your ears.

Negotiate and agree on how you can best handle such things as handing off the children for visitation, holidays, or events. In the interest of your children's peace and security, it's up to you to act maturely and without selfishness.

Agree on boundaries and behavioral guidelines for raising your children so that there's consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they're with at any given time. 

With regard to extended family members, negotiate and agree on the role they'll play and the access they'll be granted while your child is in each other's charge. The extended family plays a very important role in the lives of children.

Communicate actively with your ex about all aspects of your child's development. Both parents should know about any and all positive or negative events in the child's developmental journey. 

Recognize that children are prone to testing a situation and manipulating boundaries and guidelines, especially if there's a chance to get something they may not ordinarily be able to obtain. It's important that you and your ex compare notes before jumping to conclusions or condemning one another about what may have happened.

Although it may be emotionally painful, make sure that you and your ex keep each other informed about changes in your life circumstances so that the child is never, ever the primary source of information.

Commit to conducting yourself with emotional integrity. If you and your ex have agreed to a plan, stick to it. Say what you mean; mean what you say. 

Source:- http://drphil.com/articles/article/242

Changing your name upon divorce

You can revert to your maiden name or change your name to a completely different one.......


This is an article by UK Deed Poll Service.  You can read it here:- http://tiny.cc/1zgwbx


 Upon divorce, many women decide to revert to their maiden name.  This can be accomplished:

• by Deed Poll, or
• by using their decree absolute and marriage certificate.

It is sometimes possible for a divorced woman to revert to her maiden name without the need for a Deed Poll if her decree absolute certificate and marriage certificate (which shows her maiden name) are accepted as documentary evidence of her change of name.  Upon presentation of these certificates most government departments and many companies and organisations will change their records to show the woman's maiden name.  However, many companies and organisations will not accept a decree absolute, in particular the financial institutions such as banks and building societies.

Please note, your marriage certificate may not need to be produced to government departments, companies and organisations that knew you before you were married - because they should still have your maiden name on file.

If your decree absolute and marriage certificate are not accepted as documentary evidence, then a Deed Poll will be required to change your name. With a Deed Poll, everyone will recognise your change of name without question.  Of course, should you wish to change to a new name entirely or also make any alterations to your first or middle names, a Deed Poll will always be required.

Changing your name by Deed Poll is quick and simple and you can read a summary of the Deed Poll process by clicking on this link.  Remember, when changing your name by Deed Poll, you can also take the opportunity to make other changes to your name.  For example, you may wish to change your first name or add, change or remove middle names.

If you have children, you may also wish to change their surname by Deed Poll to your new surname or to a double-barrelled surname (your surname together with your ex-husband's surname). However, to change a child's name, the consent of everyone with parental responsibility is required.  If your ex-husband is your children's father, then he will have parental responsibility and his consent will be required for any name change.  Please read our page Can I change my child's name? for further information about parental responsibility and consent requirements.

With regard to your title, it is up to you whether you continue using Mrs or change your title to Miss or Ms.  If you wish to change your title when you change your name, you will see a section on our Deed Poll application form where you can tell us what new title you want so we can incorporate a declaration on your Deed Poll that changes your title.

If you are currently separated and contemplating divorce or are in the process of getting divorced, please click here to read our page about your name change rights upon separation.

Obtaining a copy of your decree absolute
If you have lost your decree absolute (and you were divorced in England or Wales), contact the Principal Registry of the Family Division, Decree Absolute Section, First Avenue House, 42-49 High Holborn, London, WC1V 6NP (Tel: 020 7947 7017).  For a fee, they will access a union index to the registered court copies of decrees absolute for you, and either provide a certified copy of the information themselves (if the divorce was granted by the Supreme Court) or arrange for a certified copy to be sent to you from the relevant county court.  If the divorce took place within the last 5 years, you can also contact the county court where it took place for a cheaper service.

Obtaining a copy of your marriage certificate
You can obtain a certified copy of your marriage certificate by calling the General Register Office for England and Wales on 0845 6037788 8am to 8pm Monday to Friday, 9am to 4pm Saturday.

So would YOU remarry your ex?

 These women all did. And, no matter how bitter the split had been, they found that love was much sweeter the second time

• One in four divorcees regrets their split, according to new research
• These three 'boomerang couples' rekindled the spark years later

According to counselling service Relate, one in four divorcees regrets their split. But would you remarry your ex? For some, the very idea will seem impossible — but for others it is a secret longing they can hardly admit even to themselves.

Here, we meet three ‘boomerang couples’, who divorced then married again. Their stories will surprise — and enchant — you.

Victoria Craig, 66, runs a knitwear company and lives with her husband Nicholas, 67, a retired solicitor, in Corbridge, Northumberland. The couple, who have three grown-up sons, first wed in November 1972. They split in May 1995 and divorced in 1999. But in August this year they remarried.

So happy: Victoria and Nicholas Craig divorced in 1999 but remarried in August, delighted to grow old together

Victoria says

My second marriage to Nicholas could not be more different from our first. Our relationship is deeper, we are much more appreciative of one another and we never take each other for granted.

I think we both realise how lucky we are to be given this second chance.

I was 22 and Nicholas was 23 when we first met at a friend’s wedding in 1969. I was working in the House of Commons as a research assistant and Nicholas was training to be a solicitor.

He was dark-haired, with twinkling eyes. He had such a clever way with words and he made me laugh. That night at the wedding, we talked until the early hours, and a couple of weeks later he rang to ask me out.

When I was 25 and Nicholas proposed, I had no doubts that he was ‘the one’. We married four months later. As the day approached, I became incredibly nervous as it was a very formal ‘society’ wedding held at my parents’ mansion in Wiltshire with 300 guests.

We moved to Northumberland 18 months later so Nicholas could take over the family business after his father died. It was exciting setting up home together, and there was no sign of the unhappiness to come.

When we were together we argued and there were interminable silences. I began to feel there must be more to life.

Our first son, Richard, was born in 1976 and Edward came a year later. George was born five years after that. We had a very happy but busy life with a huge six-bedroom house, complete with ten acres, as well my own business.

But around 12 years into our 23-year marriage, we began to grow apart. Nicholas was very busy with his business, which involved a lot of travel to the Far East. Without Skype or emails it was hard to keep in touch, and I had no family nearby or a nanny to help, so I felt a little abandoned.

We were both young, and rather than try to support one another — as we would do now — we both just felt unhappy. When we were together, we argued, and there were also the interminable silences. I began to feel there must be more to life.

Eventually, in January 1995, I packed a bag and just left, moving into a rented cottage nearby.

Nicholas was shocked — I don’t think he realised how unhappy I was. He wanted to try again, but by then the children were either at boarding school or university and my mind was made up. It became pretty acrimonious because he wouldn’t accept that I wasn’t coming back.

Following our divorce in 1999, we only spoke through lawyers.

In the meantime, I married again. But this marriage ended after just 18 months when I discovered he was having an affair.

I was utterly shattered to find myself with two failed marriages. It made me realise the grass is not always greener, and for the first time I wondered if I’d been happier with Nicholas than I’d realised.

The big day: They married in 1972 in their 20s at home in Northumberland.
 But 20 years later Victoria left

It wasn’t until 2002, when my twin sister Eugenie fell seriously ill with progressive supranuclear palsy — the neurological disease that killed actor Dudley Moore—  that Nicholas and I got back together.

Seeing me struggling, Edward had taken it upon himself to ring Nicholas and ask him to help support me.

Nicholas took me out to lunch in a pub, and although it was at least seven years since I’d spoken to him, there was no awkwardness.

It was a huge relief to have him back in my life. He’d never met anyone else and was happy to be a shoulder to cry on. When I’d been with Eugenie all day, he’d be there waiting with a meal at the end of it. She died in 2007 and he was my absolute rock as I grieved.

I saw a caring side to Nicholas I hadn't seen when we were younger. Age had mellowed him. He was my absolute rock as I grieved for my sister.

A year later, Nicholas had a knee operation and I nursed him. As our lives became more entwined, it was like old times.

Then I broke my leg and it seemed easier for me to move in with him so that he could nurse me. I saw a caring side to Nicholas I hadn’t seen when we were younger. Age had mellowed him, and moving back in with him felt like coming home for good.

My husband is very conventional and traditional and kept saying we should marry again — but I worried that it might spoil the new relationship we had together.

But then, in July this year, he had a mini-stroke. Visiting him in hospital, seeing him so vulnerable and realising that I could lose him again, I suddenly knew how much I loved him and said I would.

Our second wedding at Hexham register office was wonderful — a really close family affair with our sons and some close friends.

After everything, those vows took on a special extra resonance.

Today, it is wonderful to know we are growing older together — and it’s a bonus visiting our sons and grandchildren as a couple.

Nicholas says

When Victoria left me, I was devastated. I thought we’d built this wonderful life together and we had three gorgeous sons.

Thought we'd built this wonderful life together. But I realised I'd spent most of our marriage working and not giving her enough attention.

I felt angry with her when she married again. But I realised I’d spent most of our marriage working and not giving her enough attention.

I threw myself into my work even more, filling up my spare time with the children. In hindsight, I am probably just a one-woman man because I simply never had a serious relationship with anyone else.

But I never thought we’d ever manage to overcome what had happened and get back together.

Nevertheless, when our son Edward rang to tell me about her sister’s illness, I was delighted to help. We never actually dated, but our relationship gradually developed as we got to know one another again.

Now, like Victoria, I feel just so incredibly thankful that we have rediscovered one another.

This article is by Alison Smith Squire and you can read more of it here:- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2501656/Would-YOU-remarry-ex-These-women-love-sweeter-second-time.html