How Do I Move On After Divorce?

The end of a relationship is always a difficult time. No matter who ended it or when, the future can look bleak and frightening. But life does continue and many thousands of people go on to have happy and fulfilling lives after divorce.

There are many things you'll need to focus on during this difficult time and at times it may feel overwhelming. But as well as that, you need to focus on yourself as an individual, deciding what you need to do to help you let go of the past and look forward to the future

Like most people, you're likely to experience a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days you may feel hopeful and maybe even relieved if your marriage had been difficult for a long time. On other days you may feel sad, angry, confused and anxious.

Understanding what went wrong

This is an important step towards recovery. Many people get locked into questioning: Whose fault it is? What did I do wrong? How could they do that to me? Unfortunately, all this kind of questioning does is lock you into the blame game which creates more bitterness and heartache.

It can sometimes be more helpful to focus on what the relationship was lacking and how the relationship failed to meet your or your partner's needs, rather than blaming yourselves as individuals. Though the answers may be upsetting, the greater the understanding, the easier it will be to let go of the past and move on.

Look after yourself

Over the coming weeks and months you need to really focus on looking after yourself. The end of a relationship can damage self esteem and self confidence. The following tips will help you to get through this difficult time and face the future with hope.

• Keep talking - talking is the best way to prevent isolation and help maintain perspective. You're not alone and sharing your heartaches and victories with a trusted friend, family member or neighbour will help to carry you along.
• Let yourself grieve - it's normal to feel shock when a relationship finally comes to an end and it can take time for the reality of this to settle in. You'll have good days and bad days - give yourself time.
• Let go of anger. Many people feel stuck with their anger. They either feel angry at themselves or angry at their partner. Holding on to this anger maintains an emotional connection between you and your ex and slows up your ability to move on. Make time to relax. Whether you prefer reading a book, going for a walk, soaking in the bath, going for a run or gardening - it really doesn't matter. Just as long as you give your body time to de-stress. And remember, laughter is the best medicine so make sure you make time to see friends and have some fun too.
• Set small goals - when times are feeling really tough it may feel as if you're getting nowhere. Setting yourself small achievable goals not only boosts feel good chemicals, but also boosts your confidence. Whether it's getting a chore out of the way, going out for the evening or starting a new project at work, it will help you to see and know that you're moving on.
• Look after your health. Make sure you take regular exercise and maintain a healthy diet. Unfortunately comfort eating is more likely to make you depressed than cheer you up.
• Plan ahead - write down a list of all the things you're going to do when you get through this. When you have bad days, you can use this list to remind yourself that you still have a future ahead of you.
• Get help - if each day seems to be getting harder rather than better, then you may find it helpful to make an appointment to see a Relate counsellor. There are details of your local centre on this website. Relate also runs a one day workshop for people coming out of a long-term relationship.

How we can help

Thousands of people come to Relate every year for help with separation and divorce. We help all sorts of people in all sorts of situations, and we can help you.

Find out more:

• Help with separation and divorce
• Visit What next? - the parents' guide to separation
• Try a free Live Chat session - it's an online text-based chat service and you'll speak in confidence to a trained counsellor who can help you to understand what to expect from Relationship Counselling
• Find your nearest Relate and book an appointment
• Call our national phone line on 0300 100 1234

Useful links

• Sorting out separation web app
• Wikivorce

source:- http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-separation-and-divorce/separation-and-divorce-common-problems/how-do-i-move-after-divorce

Relationship Counselling

It doesn't matter if you're married, living together, single, gay or straight - we're here to help you.

Lots of people have an idea of what relationship counselling is and think that you only need counselling when things get really bad. But we're here whenever you need us, no matter what situation you face in your relationship. Even if your problems seem trivial, we can help.

What is Relationship Counselling?

Our counsellors provide a caring and supportive environment to help you find a way through any difficulties you may be facing in your relationship. Watch the video below, in which Relate counsellor Graham explains what Relationship Counselling is for.

What can I expect in Relationship Counselling?

Counselling can take place in a number of ways at a time to fit in with your life. Face-to-face counselling is available at our Centres all around the UK, but we also offer counselling services via telephone,email and online.

Once you've made an appointment with your local Centre you will be seen by a trained counsellor who will ask some questions about you and your partner, your relationship and what you hope to get out of counselling. At this stage you will also talk about the best times for your sessions, and you will discuss the cost of counselling.

You might decide to come to counselling with your partner or alone. Or you might have a combination of solo and couple sessions.

However you experience relationship counselling, you can feel reassured that it's confidential and non-judgemental.

How can Relationship Counselling help me?

It really depends what you want to get out of it, but it's rare that you will leave Relate without feeling a positive change. 

For some people, we transform their relationships and their lives; for others we help them solve a specific problem and move forward with more confidence and less anxiety.

Each session usually lasts 45 minutes to an hour, and your counsellor will ask you questions so that you can talk about what's going on and how you feel. They may offer you advice or ideas to try at home. 

If you don't like to talk a lot then they might try different things like drawing or mapping out your thoughts. It all depends on what's right for you.

Even if things don't change, counselling may help you to see things in a different way or make the decision that's right for you to move forward. Just talking to someone who isn't involved in the relationship can help you.

People are genuinely surprised when we start working together - they think that I'm going to tell them what to do, but it's not like that. They also come in feeling nervous and apprehensive but once we have met a few times, they start to enjoy it. It's a brave move to come to counselling, but for almost everyone, it's one of the best moves they've made.

- Relationship Counsellor

Book an appointment

To find out more about Relationship Counselling, and to arrange an appointment:

• Book a counselling session at your local Relate Centre.
• Try a free Live Chat session with a trained Relate Counsellor.
• Talk to us about your concerns or questions on 0300 100 1234.

Source:- http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/relationship-counselling

So would YOU remarry your ex?

 These women all did. And, no matter how bitter the split had been, they found that love was much sweeter the second time

• One in four divorcees regrets their split, according to new research
• These three 'boomerang couples' rekindled the spark years later

According to counselling service Relate, one in four divorcees regrets their split. But would you remarry your ex? For some, the very idea will seem impossible — but for others it is a secret longing they can hardly admit even to themselves.

Here, we meet three ‘boomerang couples’, who divorced then married again. Their stories will surprise — and enchant — you.

Victoria Craig, 66, runs a knitwear company and lives with her husband Nicholas, 67, a retired solicitor, in Corbridge, Northumberland. The couple, who have three grown-up sons, first wed in November 1972. They split in May 1995 and divorced in 1999. But in August this year they remarried.

So happy: Victoria and Nicholas Craig divorced in 1999 but remarried in August, delighted to grow old together

Victoria says

My second marriage to Nicholas could not be more different from our first. Our relationship is deeper, we are much more appreciative of one another and we never take each other for granted.

I think we both realise how lucky we are to be given this second chance.

I was 22 and Nicholas was 23 when we first met at a friend’s wedding in 1969. I was working in the House of Commons as a research assistant and Nicholas was training to be a solicitor.

He was dark-haired, with twinkling eyes. He had such a clever way with words and he made me laugh. That night at the wedding, we talked until the early hours, and a couple of weeks later he rang to ask me out.

When I was 25 and Nicholas proposed, I had no doubts that he was ‘the one’. We married four months later. As the day approached, I became incredibly nervous as it was a very formal ‘society’ wedding held at my parents’ mansion in Wiltshire with 300 guests.

We moved to Northumberland 18 months later so Nicholas could take over the family business after his father died. It was exciting setting up home together, and there was no sign of the unhappiness to come.

When we were together we argued and there were interminable silences. I began to feel there must be more to life.

Our first son, Richard, was born in 1976 and Edward came a year later. George was born five years after that. We had a very happy but busy life with a huge six-bedroom house, complete with ten acres, as well my own business.

But around 12 years into our 23-year marriage, we began to grow apart. Nicholas was very busy with his business, which involved a lot of travel to the Far East. Without Skype or emails it was hard to keep in touch, and I had no family nearby or a nanny to help, so I felt a little abandoned.

We were both young, and rather than try to support one another — as we would do now — we both just felt unhappy. When we were together, we argued, and there were also the interminable silences. I began to feel there must be more to life.

Eventually, in January 1995, I packed a bag and just left, moving into a rented cottage nearby.

Nicholas was shocked — I don’t think he realised how unhappy I was. He wanted to try again, but by then the children were either at boarding school or university and my mind was made up. It became pretty acrimonious because he wouldn’t accept that I wasn’t coming back.

Following our divorce in 1999, we only spoke through lawyers.

In the meantime, I married again. But this marriage ended after just 18 months when I discovered he was having an affair.

I was utterly shattered to find myself with two failed marriages. It made me realise the grass is not always greener, and for the first time I wondered if I’d been happier with Nicholas than I’d realised.

The big day: They married in 1972 in their 20s at home in Northumberland.
 But 20 years later Victoria left

It wasn’t until 2002, when my twin sister Eugenie fell seriously ill with progressive supranuclear palsy — the neurological disease that killed actor Dudley Moore—  that Nicholas and I got back together.

Seeing me struggling, Edward had taken it upon himself to ring Nicholas and ask him to help support me.

Nicholas took me out to lunch in a pub, and although it was at least seven years since I’d spoken to him, there was no awkwardness.

It was a huge relief to have him back in my life. He’d never met anyone else and was happy to be a shoulder to cry on. When I’d been with Eugenie all day, he’d be there waiting with a meal at the end of it. She died in 2007 and he was my absolute rock as I grieved.

I saw a caring side to Nicholas I hadn't seen when we were younger. Age had mellowed him. He was my absolute rock as I grieved for my sister.

A year later, Nicholas had a knee operation and I nursed him. As our lives became more entwined, it was like old times.

Then I broke my leg and it seemed easier for me to move in with him so that he could nurse me. I saw a caring side to Nicholas I hadn’t seen when we were younger. Age had mellowed him, and moving back in with him felt like coming home for good.

My husband is very conventional and traditional and kept saying we should marry again — but I worried that it might spoil the new relationship we had together.

But then, in July this year, he had a mini-stroke. Visiting him in hospital, seeing him so vulnerable and realising that I could lose him again, I suddenly knew how much I loved him and said I would.

Our second wedding at Hexham register office was wonderful — a really close family affair with our sons and some close friends.

After everything, those vows took on a special extra resonance.

Today, it is wonderful to know we are growing older together — and it’s a bonus visiting our sons and grandchildren as a couple.

Nicholas says

When Victoria left me, I was devastated. I thought we’d built this wonderful life together and we had three gorgeous sons.

Thought we'd built this wonderful life together. But I realised I'd spent most of our marriage working and not giving her enough attention.

I felt angry with her when she married again. But I realised I’d spent most of our marriage working and not giving her enough attention.

I threw myself into my work even more, filling up my spare time with the children. In hindsight, I am probably just a one-woman man because I simply never had a serious relationship with anyone else.

But I never thought we’d ever manage to overcome what had happened and get back together.

Nevertheless, when our son Edward rang to tell me about her sister’s illness, I was delighted to help. We never actually dated, but our relationship gradually developed as we got to know one another again.

Now, like Victoria, I feel just so incredibly thankful that we have rediscovered one another.

This article is by Alison Smith Squire and you can read more of it here:- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2501656/Would-YOU-remarry-ex-These-women-love-sweeter-second-time.html