Divorcing the ADHD Husband

This is a post from a reader on the ADHD marriage site

I have been reading posts for a long time and often times it has helped me to calm myself down after feeling particularily upset about another incident with my ADHD husband.  We have been married 17 years - he is 17 years older than me but I  feel much older!!!

Almost a year ago after years of chaos and unpredictable behaviours I asked him to move out of the house.  We agreed we needed a break - I was overwhelmed with all the responsbility on my shoulders and I wanted him to go out on his own and see if he could manage.  I thought it would force him to take a look at his untreated ADHD - get the medication (actually take it) and get some counseling.  I am 100% financially supporting our children, two dogs, several properties and my business. He lives as a tenant of my tenant, drives his motorcycle to his part-time pilot teaching job and is now telling everyone he is happier than he has ever been!!!  I am appalled and quite frankly embarassed for myself and my children.  I am very driven and succesful - I work 10-12 hour days and make a good living. I just cannot get over my anger and resentment that I supported this man/child for all these years and now he is just riding off into the sunset without a care in the world!

During our marriage he didn't have angry outbursts or temper tantrums - to the contrary - he wouldn't speak about issues, showed little emotion towards the family (Ironically he can easily cry during an emotional McDonalds commercial) and just seemed distant and removed all the time.  His contract pilot jobs were terrific for someone like this - he never had to really invest or commit to anything because the phone would ring and off he would leave for days or weeks at a time.  Actually the more he was gone the better we functioned and I was used to taking care of everything.

In the past few weeks I have met with my attorney and begun the divorce process - it has been hard.  I repeatedly tried to reach out to him to see if there was any chance of reconciliation but he has become even more distant, irritable and removed.  I set up three different times to meet and the first meeing as I was waiting at the restaurant he called and said he would be an hour late, the second meeting he was twenty minutes late and my third invitation to dinner he stated he couldn't go because he was going with his roommate to his girlfriends (a woman who he knows I think is a complete loser) to make burgers on the grill.  I guess I am in so much pain that it takes several slaps in the face before I come out of my own foggy existence.  He just recently told me I make him feel bad about himself.

I am now preparing for a nasty divorce (he has already stated he may ask for monthly support) from someone that has completely abandon all his responsiblities - including his daughters.  He lives less than five miles away and finally after many horrifying comments from me had our daughters over for a dinner last week.  They had never set foot in the house - maybe he is embarassed that his children will see him living with another knucklehead (also in his 60's) in a house that is furnished with card board boxes.  (This is because the roommate drives a mercedes, buys expensive wine and doesn't want to grow up either).

I go to our former marriage counselor (she originally diagnosed his ADHD) and she has stated I must move on.  Even though I have been completely responsible for everything for years I can't overcome the feelings of sadness, lonliness, scared and overwhelmed. I send him posts from this site because I want him to get help so he doesn't completely alienate our children as well - I just don't think he understands how important that is.  I hope he can function for our girls - I know it hurts them to see him living like a broke college student but I just keep reminding myself these are his choices.