'The Very Last Thing I Wanted To Be

Was A Twice-Divorced 35-Year-Old Single Mom

Amy Krasenics thought she had it all figured out: She'd marry, have kids, then when the kids were grown, live out her twilight days with her husband roughly along the lines of that Beatles' song, "When I'm 64." (Traveling, puttering around the garden, grandchildren on your knee -- you know the lyrics.)

But life has a way of going off-script, and a divorce -- then another one -- happened instead.

Below, the mother of three shares with us what she learned from two divorces by the time she was 35.

Like every single other married person out there, I never even considered I’d be divorced, let alone a single mom, at some point in my life. It just wasn’t in my Great Life Plan. I was going to marry, have my two kids, watch them grow, stand arm-in-arm with their father as they walked down the stairs for prom, graduation, leaving for college, and then, when the they left the nest, we’d grow old together, comfortable in our little regimen of gardening, taking trips and bouncing our grandchildren on our knees.

Alas, the universe doesn’t give a crap about our plans.

Let's get one thing straight first: I got married waaaaaay too young. I had children waaaaaay too young. We were together from the time I was 17. I never really dated. Soon, about a decade into the relationship, when I became a stay-at-home mom after the birth of our first daughter, things started getting less-than great. When we had our second daughter I realized there was no way I could live the rest of my life like that. I became a divorced single mom at 29 -- yep, divorced before many of my friends even married.

Shortly thereafter, I met the man I was sure was my soulmate. We rushed into the relationship, found ourselves pregnant rather early on and got married. And then, a month after our first anniversary, I discovered his affair -- his two year-long affair. His two year-long affair with a close friend of mine. I tried to make it work, because the very last thing I wanted to be was a twice divorced 35-year-old single mom of three young kids. Eventually he decided he no longer wanted to work on us any longer and moved out. I was devastated and sunk into a deep depression. Everyone said “hang in there; it’ll get better.” I couldn't believe them. But I hung in there, and thanks to my friends, my family, and most importantly, my children, it really did get better.

So now I was a 35-year-old twice divorced single mother of three young kids.What the hell do I do now? I thought. I knew I didn’t want to remain single for the rest of my life and that because of that, I'd have to enter the dating scene. Where does one go to meet single men? The internet, of course!

What's that been like, you ask? Online dating, especially as a single mom, cycles between tons of fun and tons of bold proclamations that usually go something like, "that’s it; I’m just going to be single forever." I talked to lots of guys. I went on quite a few first dates, but very few second dates. I very casually dated a guy for the summer. I entered into a serious relationship for about half a year. I did some ridiculously fun things –- hiking, kayaking, zip-lining, concerts. I did some not so fun things, but I still embraced the experience. I met a lot of crazy men, a few nice guys that just weren’t for me, and a handful of really great guys, whom I now consider friends. I’ve been criticized for dating a lot of guys since my divorce, but the second biggest lesson I learned from being married twice is to never settle for less than I fully deserve. I’ve become extremely picky. I know what I want in a partner, what I don’t want.

(Photo courtesy of Amy Krasenics) 

I purposely didn’t post pictures of myself on the dating site with my hair and makeup done, making a ridiculous sexy face. I posted pictures of me covered in mud, kayaking, hiking, at Disney World. I wrote a profile that would generate negative comments from men, but I didn’t care. I knew I had to completely be myself and the right guy would come along because of it. I altered so much of myself to try to make two doomed marriages work that I now decided to be 100 percent authentic and genuine and that meant admitting that I’m not all sunshine and rainbows all the time. (Sorry, guys.) I’m not traditionally “beautiful.” I bite my nails. I get PMS. That’s all OK -- and that’s what I wrote in my dating profile. The biggest lesson I learned from two “failed” marriages is to simply be myself.

There's that phrase -- "failed marriage." I don’t consider my two marriages to be failures. I’m great friends with both my ex-husbands and we work together as a team to raise our three amazing children. The marriages, and even the relationships and dating I’ve done since, weren’t failures because I learned such valuable lessons. I no longer tolerate disrespect, depression, self-absorption, clinginess or negative attitudes. I learned to be happy alone. The best things to come out of my “failures” are the lessons I've learned: to be myself, to be happy alone and to never accept less than I deserve.

I stopped mourning my divorce about a year ago and have since realized it was the best thing to ever happen to me, aside from my children. I’m thrilled with the person I’ve become since, and I’ve watched my children, especially my oldest daughter, morph into strong independent kids because that’s what they see their mother doing.

I’ve since met a wonderful man through online dating. He’s exactly what I want in a partner, all the things I learned through my countless “failures.” I once thought being mid-thirties, twice divorced with three kids was a dating death sentence, but it's not. It’s just the beginning.

Source:- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/07/life-after-divorce-_n_5565474.html 

Breakup: How To Tell If You Suffer From Complicated Grief

Source: Wikimedia Commons

The emotional responses to a severe breakup can resemble the responses to death. This is no coincidence. When a loved one dies, you grieve. But death is not the only trigger of grief. Grief can occur after any kind of loss: The loss of a job, the loss of a limb, the loss of your home or the loss of a relationship. Grief involves five stages: surprise, denial, anger, sadness and acceptance. These stages do not necessarily occur in this order, and each stage may occur several times.

Sometimes it is impossible to let go of grief. When you continue to grieve a loss, your condition is called complicated grief. Complicated grief is so severe that psychiatrists now consider it for inclusion in the psychiatric manual for diagnosing mental disorders. If you have complicated grief, you have been grieving for six months or more. You furthermore satisfy at least five of the following criteria:

1. You have obsessive thoughts about aspects of the lost relationship or the person you were with
2. You spend a significant amount of time every day or almost every day, thinking about your lost relationship or the person you were with
3. You have intense emotional pain, sorrow, pangs or yearnings related to the lost relationship
4. You avoid reminders of the loss, because you know that reminders will cause you pain or make you feel uncomfortable
5. You have problems accepting the loss of the relationship
6. You have frequent dreams that relate to your lost relationship
7. You frequently suffer from deep sadness, depression or anxiety because of the loss
8. You are angry or feel a deep sense of injustice in relation to the lost relationship
9. You have difficulties trusting others since the relationship ended
10. The loss of the relationship makes it difficult for you to find pleasure in social and routine activities
11. Your symptoms make it difficult for you to function optimally on your job, as a parent or in a new relationship

A study published in the May 2008 online version of NeuroImage suggests that complicated grief sometimes occurs because a normal grieving process turns into an addiction. The researchers looked at images of the brains of people who satisfied the criteria for complicated grief and people who were not grieving and found significantly more activity in the nucleus accumbens of the people with complicated grief. Activity in the nucleus accumbens is associated with addiction.

It may seem strange that you could actually become addicted to emotional pain and longing for a person who is no longer with you. The researchers suggest that your yearning and sadness may give you pleasure. This, however, is probably not the right conclusion to draw from the study. Though pleasurable activities normally are necessary to initiate the repetition of addictions, there is reason to believe that it is a reduced pleasure response that causes addiction. If you are addicted to food, for example, the addiction may be caused by an abnormally low response to the pleasure of eating.

Dopamine, a motivator and reward neurotransmitter, is responsible for creating a feeling of pleasure in response to potentially pleasurable activities. Dopamine is also implicated in addiction. But it is a dopamine deficiency, a smaller number of dopamine receptors or an impairment of the function of dopamine that causes addiction, not an increased production of dopamine or increased pleasure in response to pleasurable activities.

So how can grief lead to addiction? Grief occurs only when there was some pleasure involved in spending time with the person. This means that being around the person at least sometimes triggered a dopamine response. The sudden loss of all exposure to the person or the loss of the relationship as it was cuts off this dopamine response. Any reminder or thoughts of the person or the relationship can, however, still trigger a dopamine response. But this response is no longer a pleasurable response because the thoughts or reminders of the loss trigger activity in the amygdala, a brain region that processes negative feelings.

Here is another way to understand how grief can be addictive. Consider obsessive-compulsive disorder. The classical case of this disorder is one in which a person is obsessed with thoughts of disease and germs and compulsively washes his or her hands after being near other people or anything that could possibly carry germs. This disorder is associated with low levels of the mood-enhancing chemical serotonin and fluctuating levels of dopamine. The low levels of serotonin cause obsessive thinking and the dopamine “rewards” motivates the person to behave in compulsive ways.

Complicated grief is similar to obsessive-compulsive disorder. Low levels of serotonin cause the obsessive thinking and yearning for the person or the relationship, and the dopamine responses that this kind of obsessive thinking and yearning give rise to cause the grief to continue.

Reference: Craving Love? Enduring Grief Activates Brain’s Reward Center, NeuroImage, 2008.

Berit "Brit" Brogaard is the author of On Romantic Love

Source:- https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mysteries-love/201504/breakup-how-tell-if-you-suffer-complicated-grief

Goodbye McDreamhouse!

Goodbye McDreamhouse! Patrick Dempsey and wife Jillian Fink list their Malibu home for $14.5 million after divorce announcement

There's no doubt Patrick Dempsey's life has changed dramatically in the last few months after his long-running character Derek 'McDreamy' Shepherd was suddenly killed-off Grey's Anatomy.

And after announcing their divorce in January, the actor and wife Jillian Fink have taken the next step and put their stunning Malibu bolthole on the market.

Dempsey and Fink are listing their home at $14.5 million after buying the property in 2009 for $7 million and completely renovating it.

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Saying goodbye: Patrick Dempsey and wife Jillian Fink have put their Malibu home on the market for $14.5 million

Parting ways: The couple announced their split in January after 15 years of marriage

The 5,500 sq ft home is nestled in the Malibu mountains on 3.3 acres of land and was designed by Frank Gehry as both a studio and residence for abstract painter Ron Davis in 1972.

Dempsey told the Architectural Digest last year: 'We were looking for a little land and space, and a house with some architectural significance.

'The exterior's simplicity appealed to me, and the inside felt very expansive and calming. Everywhere you looked there was something visually pleasing.'

California bolthole: The light and airy property was designed by Frank Gehry as a studio and residence for artist Ron Davis in 1972

Their style: The couple bought the property in 2009 for $7 million and completely renovated it 

Pokey: Fink revealed in an interview with Architectural Digest last year that the small kitchen was a challenge when they redeveloped the property

Expansive: The building is 5,500 sq ft and sits on 3.3 acres of land in the Malibu mountains

The living areas were designed by Estee Stanley, who according to the publication gave 'coziness and livability to the idiosyncratic interior spaces'.

The home includes a pool, an al fresco kitchen, a small farm, and studio space as well as lots of greenery and areas for entertaining.

Wooden floors made of repurposed scaffolding give the residence an earthy feel and high ceilings, large windows and white painted walls ensure it's incredibly light and airy.

Fink filed for divorce in January after 15 years of marriage to the 49-year-old actor.  

Airy: High ceilings, large windows and white walls provide plenty of natural light which floods the foyer

Stylish Bedroom: The couple mixed antique pieces with more contemporary items and had the interior space designed by Estee Stanley

Family home: Repurposed scaffolding on the floor gives an earthy feel to theresidence

Multipurpose: The home was built as a combination studio and residence and the space has been transformed into another living area

The makeup artist requested joint legal and physical of their three children: Talula, 12, and twins Darby and Sullivan, 8. 

A reported $40 million in assets is said to be up for grabs in the divorce since the couple had no pre-nup. 

Meanwhile Dempsey's Grey's Anatomy character Derek Shepherd - one of the original cast members - was shockingly killed off this season.  

Artists area: Fink maintained a sculpture studio and jewelry workshop on the mezzanine level

Low-key exterior: The structure is made of corrugated metal and surrounded by lots of greenery

Social space: A sectional seating area outside provides plenty of space for entertaining

Idyllic: An al fresco dining area is shaded by a canopy and surrounding trees

Amid rumours of a bust-up with creator Shonda Rhimes the actor spoke out about his character's untimely ending after reportedly signing up for two more years.

He told Entertainment Weekly: 'It just sort of unfolded in a very organic way. I don’t remember the date. It was not in the fall. Maybe February or March. It happened very quickly.'  

He added: 'It really was something that was kind of surprising that unfolded, and it just naturally came to be. Which was pretty good. I like the way it has all played out.'  

Source:- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3061471/Patrick-Dempsey-wife-Jillian-Fink-list-Malibu-home-14-5-million-divorce-announcement.html