Happy Divorce Day

 How Christmas made three women realise they HAD to leave their husbands

Simmering tensions,a fling at the office party and families thrown together for weeks on end ... no wonder yesterday has become the busiest - and most lucrative - day of the year for divorce lawyers.

Even as Jackie Walker put the finishing touches to the sumptuous Christmas meal and table decorations, in her head she was making a life-changing decision. "We'd had the whole family over for Christmas dinner and I wanted everything to be perfect," says 47-year-old Jackie.

"But as I served dinner, I looked round the table of smiling faces and I felt like an outsider. I was putting on a happy face and fulfilling my roles as mummy, wife, daughter and daughterinlaw. But, God, I was miserable. As we sat down to eat, I thought about the looming New Year and felt: 'I can't do this any more.'"

And so, ten days later, as she swept up pine needles and took down the decorations, Jackie decided - like so many women in the post-Christmas period - that she wanted a divorce. "I'd been unhappy for a couple of years," admits Jackie, who has two children aged 11 and 12 with Mike, 44, a property developer.

"Mike and I had been so busy with our careers, the children and renovating our rambling 15-room house that we had no time for each other.

"There were times I'd think: 'What the hell am I doing with him when I might as well be on my own?' I didn't feel loved or adored.

"But it was only at Christmas that I realised how wrong it would be to keep up the pretence for yet another year for the sake of my children. So I sat Mike down and told him: 'This isn't working for me. Our marriage is over.'"

Mike was devastated but defiant. She recalls: "He told me: 'Jackie, I am the best husband you'll get and there will be no knight in shining armour to whisk you away, so you need to be sure of what you're saying.' But I was sure, so I filed for divorce."

Though some friends and relatives branded Jackie heartless for walking away after Christmas, it seems she is far from alone in her timing. Matrimonial experts have dubbed yesterday D-Day - or Divorce Day - because traditionally the most petitions of the year are filed on the Monday of the first full week in January.

In some years, the number is as much as 50 per cent more than in an average week. This year experts are predicting at least a 10 per cent rise on the norm.

Divorce lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt believes this is because the stress of playing happy families during the festivities can prove too much if a marriage is already teetering on the brink of separation.

"Only the stampede for the start of the Harrods sale is greater than the surge to file for divorce in early January," she says. "Most applications are from women reeling from the pressure of having to put on an act

over Christmas when they've been feeling unhappy in the marriage for a while.

"Often they will have approached the festive season thinking: 'I'll really make an effort at Christmas, but if things still aren't right by New Year then I'll leave.'"

This point resonates with Jackie, who now lives alone, near Edinburgh. "Christmas was magical when we first had our babies," she recalls. "But in 2000, when I turned 40, I had an overwhelming feeling that something was missing.

"I was the stereotypical middleaged, middle-class woman, with a great career as an event manager, a devoted husband, two beautiful children and a gorgeous detached home with a huge walled garden in a pretty village. But I wasn't happy and I felt terribly guilty for questioning my seemingly perfect life."

After admitting her feelings to Mike that year, the couple tried marriage counselling to salvage their relationship and for a time, Jackie says, they were happier. "Mike was hugely supportive, counselling made us refocus on each other and for two years things really were better.

"But when we moved house again in July 2002 they deteriorated dramatically. Once again, Mike and I were too busy for each other. I stuck it out, but by Christmas that year I knew things wouldn't change because my love for him had died."

Laws Of Attraction: How Do We Select A Life Partner?

Most of us seek a partner, for life or at least for a while. But how do we choose? After all, we meet hundreds, even thousands, of people in the course of our daily lives. What makes two people pick one another from among the myriad available candidates? Psychological science has long been trying to answer this question, and with considerable success.

Two main theories have guided scientific thinking on the subject. First is evolutionary theory(link is external), which claims that behavioral tendencies, physical characteristics, and personality features that promote our chances to survive and reproduce become, by that virtue, desirable to us. In addition, biological and anatomical differences between organisms will dictate different optimal solutions to the same problem. For example, if two animals, one with nimble feet and the other with strong wings, encounter a hungry predator, how will they deal with the survival threat? Most likely, the first animal will run away and the second will fly off.

Six Questions To Consider In Choosing A Life Partner

I've long felt that choosing a life partner should be a subject that is thoroughly discussed sometime in high school and perhaps even in university.

It amazes me that so little time, if any, is given to considering this topic on a meaningful level in school. Near as I can tell, it's probably the single most important decision that all of us can make. My take is that most people who get married in modern society don't have the foresight and life experience needed to make the best possible choice. I'm sure that some people do think things out to a degree that would make Dr. Phil and Oprah proud, but from my little spot on the planet, it looks like most of us, myself included, rely mainly on our instincts to choose the one person we want to be with forever.

And why wouldn't we? Society teaches us that love is what matters. Love is the only thing that matters. And what is love? Isn't it that special feeling that occupies your thoracic cavity and makes you feel blissfully alive?

Well, here are some thoughts that I would like my loved ones to consider in choosing a life partner: Do you like him? To me, it's not about if you love him. It's if you actually like him. The challenge is in knowing if what you are feeling is genuine like as opposed to fool's like, which I think is really just a symptom of being intoxicated with lust (which I don't have anything against - I just wouldn't recommend choosing a life partner with fool's like being a primary source of fuel to maintain a healthy relationship).

How do you know if you genuinely like and admire him? Ask yourself if you would want your child or future child to marry someone like him. And in answering this question, think about how he consistently behaves, not what he says.

As most of us know, feelings of "being in love" come and go. I wouldn't want to rely on such feelings to keep my life partnership healthy and intact. Much better, I think, to have a foundation of genuine like in place. Because ultimately, we want to spend our time with those we genuinely like. Why do you like her? Being drop dead gorgeous, having a trust fund, and taking good care of you are all weak reasons to like someone. They belong in the what she can do for me category, which includes the need-to-have-a-trophy-partner-by-my-side-so-that-I-feel-less-like-the-troll-that-lives-deep-within-me reason. Not a very solid foundation. 

She can make you laugh your socks off? You admire the way she treats others, especially in instances when she is unaware that you are aware of what she is doing? She inspires you to strengthen your character? You respect her work ethic? Here and there, she blows you away with her thoughts? Now we're talking about some power fuel to sustain feelings of respect, genuine like, and even adoration for a lifetime.

Do you have the same basic attitudes and beliefs about religion? Specifically, do both of you have about the same tolerance level for other people's beliefs? If not, think carefully about how this might affect the way that you feel about raising your children together. Speaking of children... Do both of you have similar feelings on having or not having children? If both of you want to have children, do you have a good inkling of what type of parent your partner would make? 

Are you relatively clear on how much time you would like to spend with parents, siblings, relatives, and friends on both sides of your family? If you're the type that would absolutely love having your parents in their golden years living next door or at least in the same town, I would suggest making this perfectly clear and asking your potential life partner to give this careful consideration and letting you know how it sits with him or her. I imagine that very few life experiences can create more sorrow than not being able to spend time with your loved ones or, on the other side of the fence, being forced to spend time with people who make it clear through their behavior that they don't cherish you.

Do you have similar money values? What do both of you like to spend your money on? Do you spend the bulk of your money on things or experiences? How much do you spend on items and experiences that aren't essential to your survival? How much do you like to save? *** Those are the big ones for me. They're the issues that rise above the inevitable squabbles that accompany all life partnerships and float around in potential deal-breaker territory. To be clear, if you just don't like who the other person is (not as obvious as you'd think or hope in the honeymoon phase), if you don't really laugh together, if you don't have the same basic attitudes about religion, having children, raising children, other family members, close friends, and money, you have one or more deal-breakers staring you in the face. And people who genuinely care for you won't want to hear "but I love him." Because they'll be able to see what you can't see in the moment; that what you have isn't the kind of love that can sustain a healthy life partnership; it's something else that will probably make you want to punch yourself in the face a few times every day for the rest of your life beginning in the near future.

Okay, I'm getting carried away, but hopefully, my thoughts on this topic are clear. And for sure, they're just my thoughts, things that I hope my loved ones consider before they choose to get married, should they decide that marriage is for them. Earlier this morning, I asked those who follow our facebook page to share their tips on choosing a life partner.

Choose your best friend, choose someone you respect, be super careful - these are the recurring pieces of advice that I see in the many responses. Please feel free to browse through them and even add your own here: What would you share with your child, grandchild, nephew, or niece about choosing a life partner? If this is a topic that is on your mind and heart at the moment, I think you'll find value in the following passage from one of my favorite authors, Kent Nerburn: Kent Nerburn on Marriage

Hope this collection of thoughts on choosing a life partner is useful to someone out there. 

 Source:- http://drbenkim.com/thoughts-choosing-life-partner

How To End Up With The Right Partner

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Once you know what to watch out for, you can't get fooled.

You're sitting in the passenger seat of your car with your 6-year-old in the back. Her whimpering has turned to frightened sobbing; your blood is boiling. Your disagreeable spouse, at the wheel, has been ranting for 15 minutes, far too loudly for the confines of the car. He’s been complaining that you care more about your job than your family, that you're always late, that you leave the house a mess, and simply don’t have your act together.

This is appalling to you. You wouldn’t dream of treating a mouse running loose in your home with such abuse. Yet your spouse—your “lover”—feels entitled to bully you, and your young daughter, in this way.

You ask yourself: “How did I ever get trapped in this marriage?!”

To help you avoid ever landing in this scenario, I’m going to answer this question in three parts: The first pertains to our poor selection of a mate. The second involves a lack of revising our views as we get to know the person better. And the third describes how the person tries to manipulate us into staying.

1. Choosing Mr. or Ms. Wrong

Around the globe, young men and women have listed attraction and love as the top criteria for marriage, ranking it above personality traits (1). However, research suggests that the most happily married people are those who, regardless of what they think they want, simply end up with spouses who have excellent personality traits. In particular, a spouse’s emotional stability and agreeableness have been clearly linked to marital and sexual satisfaction (2). Surprise, surprise—it’s better to have a warm, cooperative mate than an unstable, disagreeable one!

You may be thinking that the spouses with excellent traits sound boring. You want someone very attractive and interesting, and believe you're willing to put up with some moodiness or arrogance to have that attraction. But consider how these arrogant, moody individuals derive attention: They are only sporadically emotionally or physically available, which gives the impression that access to them is a scarce and thus valuable resource (see below). Their love and good moods must be earned, a process that holds at bay any objective evaluation of their character.

I suspect that what many decent people in such relationships or marriages don’t realize, until they have endured a very long stretch of unfairness, is that their arrogant partner entered the relationship expecting special consideration. Much like in a dating relationship in which the party who desires the other more must accommodate the other’s wishes, the arrogant spouse assumes you will do more than half the work to compensate for your lower desirability. Their expectation sounds unreasonable, but arrogant people are image builders not truth-seekers.

2. Focusing on the Positive Obscures the Truth

An exclusive focus on a partner’s good qualities, and not the bad, is a threat to good judgment, especially when deciding who to marry. Consider what Walter Mischel observed regarding how people judged whether a given person had a certain personality trait (4). He found that they would recall and string together examples of that person’s behavior across time that were highly representative of that specific trait—yet they would fail to notice contradictory examples. This is why he concluded that we see other people as more consistent than they really are. For instance, in determining whether a friend is caring, we might think back to when she brought us chicken noodle soup when we were sick, lent us money to pay the rent, or threw a surprise party on our 21st birthday. And once we think of her as very caring, we may simply overlook her other, uncaring behaviors.

Imagine a prospective wife who imagines that her boyfriend is a very good person—good enough to marry. Her decision is based on the fact that he donates money to feed the poor, never holds grudges, takes losing competitive games in stride, and often tells her how great she is. But she downplays that time he very aggressively berated her for talking to him while he was on the phone with a client. It was an honest mistake, but it left her walking on eggshells during his phone calls for months.

Imagine, too, a prospective husband who thinks his girlfriend is an angel for always doing his laundry, leaving him sweet notes and small presents, cooking his favorite meals, and giving him long leisurely back rubs. But she was no angel that time he came through the front door a couple of hours late from work. She rushed out from the dark bedroom with her arms crossed and a look of fury on her face. Pointing a finger one inch from his nose, she screamed so loudly that neighbors down the hall could hear her accusing him of cheating with that “slut” co-worker. The next day she was sweetly smiling and apologetic. She explained that she was not her usual self the previous night because she’d had a bad headache. He forgave her, and they had fantastic “make-up sex.” He felt more in love with her than ever.

I would argue that neither the girlfriend nor the boyfriend in these scenarios is decent enough to marry. In each case, the person demeaned his or her lover. If the roles were reversed, you would never belittle anyone! Your worst headache might make you a bit short with the person, but never insulting. Their belittling behavior (including the use of the word “slut”—which a humble person would not use) signals their arrogance, a trait tied to deception and exploitation (5).

You can never be sure if a romantic partner is decent enough to marry, but you can tell when they are not good enough from belittling acts like these.

3. The Arrogant Won’t Let You Go

When you try to dump the person after an outburst like the one described above, he or she might argue that they said they were sorry and it was only one mistake. But while a humble person acknowledges your right to leave and does not interfere with it, the arrogant person has an image to defend. They might say many things to make you feel guilty, to manipulate you into staying—for example, they might remind you how much they "sacrificed" to be with you. Don’t let such comments get to you—the arrogant partner may well have a contingency plan with other people waiting in the wings if things don’t work out with you.

They might also ask, “Whatever happened to unconditional positive regard?” (or words to that effect). But remember that evaluating the character of your partner is what you are supposed to be doing before marrying the person. You can respond, “Yes, I was wondering that myself when you were so out-of-line with your outburst. If you had done that on our first date, I would never have gone on a second one with you. Anyhow, the fact that you are trying to make me feel guilty to keep me from leaving is in itself an outrage.”

How to Proceed

To keep from ending up with an arrogant, deceptive, or exploitative spouse, cast a broad net. There are so many single people out there, especially on internet dating sites—you have no excuse for settling for the gummy worms on the kitchen counter when you can find a golden apple elsewhere.

What you're looking for is humility—and what you're avoiding is arrogance. The trait of humility is a must-have that undergirds sincerity and the promise of a fair marriage. Looking through this lens, you might find it easy to screen out arrogant people on sites like eHarmony, where respondents are asked hundreds of questions, such as whether it’s okay for women to propose marriage or become priests. If they say no, it may beg the question of why only men would be entitled to do those things.

You can’t be sure a person is humble; but when you encounter even one stunningly arrogant act, that may be you need to see to reject the hope that they are. Finally, don’t waste time after you see that hideous haughtiness. Yes, you are going to get grief from the arrogant person for dumping him or her, but that should simply give you the strength of confirmation to make sure the break is clean.

When you do find that sincere, humble, fair-minded person, you might be shocked to discover how sexy he or she is. It might be overwhelming to finally share a passion based on discovering the person in front of you—free from the conventional gender roles and judgments. There is nothing to fear, however, because the formula for communicating remains simple: You always mean what you say.

Source:- www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight/201404/how-end-the-right-partner