Friday 17 July 2015

Getting Divorced Was The Biggest Mistake Of Our Lives (so we all got re-married!)


Linda Clements vividly recalls the moment her divorce from her husband of 25 years was finalised. 
'I looked at that decree absolute, and after all the fighting and haggling, I was suddenly overcome with grief. Our marriage was actually over,' she says. 
'But more than that, I had a nagging feeling that our divorce was a huge mistake.' 
Such a mistake, in fact, that in July last year  -  and seven years after they got divorced  -  Linda, now 53, and her husband Billy, 58, a businessman, remarried. 
Billy & Linda Clements
White wedding : Billy and Linda Clements at their first wedding in 1974...
Billy & Linda Clements
...and after divorcing and reconcilliating, at their second wedding in 2009
'It was akin to coming home,' recalls Linda, a health adviser. 'A relief that after what turned out to be seven years in the wilderness, I had finally realised how much Billy meant to me.' 
Of course, some people would claim they'd rather walk on hot coals than even contemplate marrying their former spouse. There might also be concrete reasons why such a liaison is unthinkable  -  it was a violent relationship, for example, or your spouse was a serial cheater. 
But Linda and Billy are far from the only ones to find marital bliss once again by remarrying their ex. In fact, while statistics on remarriage to an ex are not
routinely recorded, according to counselling service Relate one in four people regrets their divorce.
Considering that divorce and separation hold second and third place in the psychiatric scale of life's most stressful events (death of a spouse comes first), and that divorced people are about 35 per cent more likely to consult their GP than married couples, it's not surprising many find being single again isn't quite what they thought it would be. 
In this age of 'moving on', admitting you still love your ex might, however, be a taboo subject  -  especially if the divorce was costly and traumatic. 
But Charlotte Friedman, relationship therapist and founder of divorcesupportgroup.co.uk, says feelings of regret are often an ongoing issue with the couples she speaks to. 
'I've noticed that when a divorce that has taken a few years to finalise comes through, at least one partner can feel they made too hasty a decision,' she says. 
'But by the time they realise that, so much bad feeling has come between them it can be hard to find a way back. That's why divorces can take years to get over.' 
Indeed, Linda Clements confesses that she spent seven years trying to make her single life work before she was able to tell ex-husband Billy her feelings. 
'And I was incredibly fortunate that he hadn't been able to get over me too,' she says. 
Linda and Billy, from Darwen, Lancs, first married in September 1974 when she was 18 and he was 23. They had been dating since Linda was 16.
'We had a beautiful white wedding with four bridesmaids and around 100 guests,' she recalls, 'and afterwards we bought our own two-bedroom home.'
'I felt I was growing old and there was simply nothing to look forward to. Looking back, I can only describe it as a mid-life crisis'
Two children, Nicola, now 35, and Amanda, 32, followed. The couple moved into a larger three-bedroom house. Linda describes the next 25 years as very happy.
'Of course we had our ups and downs,' she says, 'but then, what couple doesn't? 
Ultimately, though, while I didn't appreciate it at the time, I look back and see we had a great life together. We both had jobs we enjoyed, holidays and two gorgeous daughters.' 
Billy and Linda's silver wedding anniversary was held in style  -  a party in a nearby hotel with a buffet for 150 people. 'People congratulated us,' says Linda, 'and I felt proud that we were one of those couples who had weathered the storms and made our relationship work.' 
The couple even went on a celebratory holiday of a lifetime to Kenya. But within weeks of returning, Linda, then 43, had sunk into depression. 
'Perhaps it was the anti-climax of all the celebrations, but I began to think: Is this it? Is this all there is to my life? 
'The girls were leaving home and suddenly I felt life was mundane. I felt I was growing old and there was simply nothing to look forward to. Looking back, I can only describe it as a mid-life crisis. 
'I even thought about having another baby. Perhaps I hoped it would breathe new life into our relationship, but Billy was adamant that he didn't want to go back to nappies. It caused rows, which escalated into even further unhappiness for us both.' 
Within a year, Linda had moved out. 'I felt I'd been married forever and life was passing me by. I didn't have any time for myself and felt trapped. It seemed my life was taken up with doing things for everyone else. 
'But when I tried to discuss it with Billy, he didn't seem to understand. We began arguing because he thought our marriage was fine. Then one day I snapped, and decided to leave.' 
In hindsight, it is a decision that Linda still feels guilty about. 'Billy was devastated, as were my daughters,' she recalls, 'but at the time I couldn't see any other alternative.' 
After a spell staying with her mother, she found a flat and began living the single life she thought she wanted. She also instigated divorce proceedings.
TERRY AND SANDRA KAUFMAN
TERRY AND SANDRA KAUFMAN
Lessons learnt: Terry and Sandra Kaufman in 1958 and, right, in 2008
'I began going out more,' she says. 'I just wanted out  -  I even said to Billy he could have the house when the lawyers started dividing our assets. Billy came round and tried to talk me out of it, but I was just focused on having time to myself.' 
However, post-divorce, things didn't go as Linda had planned. She had a few relationships  -  including some with younger men  -  but couldn't shake off her feelings for her ex. 
'I started to feel that I had rushed into divorce, and I'd made the wrong decision. Every man I met I compared to Billy. 
'When you are married, you imagine that life must be more exciting single. You think that you might meet someone who will make your heart beat faster again. 
'But the reality was that there were few men I fancied, and those I dated were not a patch on Billy. Many of them droned on about themselves. It made me appreciate that Billy was much more thoughtful than I'd realised. 
'I also didn't realise how much I would miss those routine things in marriage, such as sharing a meal or having a cup of tea in bed. Those everyday routines stabilise life and make it happy.'
It was finally at a family barbecue held by their youngest daughter in the summer of 2008 that they began talking. 
'Up until then we'd only seen each other once or twice since our divorce. Billy had been too upset to stay in touch,' recalls Linda. 'The rare times we had met, we'd never really talked properly. But at the party, Billy looked lovely and we began reminiscing. Later that day, Billy suggested we met for dinner "for old time's sake".
'Speaking to him after so many years was strange as he sounded the same. Suddenly, I was a teenager again and all those old feelings flooded back'
'It felt so natural when we met up and I knew then that I never should have left our marriage. Billy knew I'd made a mistake; I didn't even need to say anything.'
The feelings appeared to be mutual, as after dinner, they then met for a walk. And then for a cinema date. And, finally, dinner again. 
'We began holding hands, becoming more physical as each date went on,' says Linda. 'Then one evening we had a kiss. From then on our relationship redeveloped.' 
However, getting Billy to forgive her took time: 'He was still angry that I'd left, but over our dates we talked everything through and gradually he came to forgive me  -  and fall in love with me again. And, second time round, we're so much closer and more intimate than before. 
'We told the girls we were back together and they were thrilled. After three months we decided we wanted to get married again  -  in another white wedding to prove our commitment. 
'It was such a relief. No one else ever came close to how I feel about Billy and our marriage is so much better the second time around.' 
The same sentiment is shared by Sandra Kaufman, 68. She first tied the knot with Terry, also 68, a retired chef, in 1958 when they were both aged 18. They then split two years later. 
'We were both too young,' says Sandra. 'We had to live with my parents after we married because we were saving for a house. Terry was also commuting a lot. Within two years we had grown apart.
'Our relationship never got off the ground. Because we had no children, it was easy to go separate ways.' 
After their divorce, Sandra remarried and had six children. Meanwhile, Terry remarried and had a daughter. 
However, Sandra, a retired admin assistant, maintains she never forgot her first love. 'My new husband Derek was a good man,' she recalls, 'but there was never the spark in our marriage that I had shared with Terry. 
'I never went looking for him, but he was always there in the back of my mind  -  and I wondered what might have happened if we hadn't met so young.'
Malcolm and Jeanette Salmons
Shared history: Malcolm and Jeanette Salmons when they first married in 1970...
Malcolm and Jeanette Salmons
...and at their second wedding day in 2009, after their daughter's tragic death
She and Derek finally divorced after 11 years of marriage. Although she didn't marry again, she met another man with whom she was with for a further 11 years. 
'In all this time, there was a loneliness that I couldn't put my finger on,' she admits.
Shortly after her relationship finished, Sandra was visiting a friend who mentioned that Terry, with whom she'd lost touch, had been asking after her.
Sandra recalls: 'The following day I received a call from Terry. Sadly, his wife had died earlier that year from a heart attack. 
'Speaking to him after so many years was strange as he sounded the same. Suddenly, I was a teenager again and all those old feelings came flooding back.'
The couple, who lived over 100 miles apart, began talking regularly on the phone. But then Terry invited Sandra to stay with him and his daughter.
'I wasn't nervous because by now we'd spoken so much on the phone I felt as if we'd never been apart. However, during that visit, I found myself falling in love with Terry all over again,' she says. 
'Then, one day after we'd been out, we kissed and both of us knew we wanted to be together.'
So in 2008, a Leap Year, Sandra proposed to Terry and in November  -  exactly 50 years after their first wedding  -  the couple remarried. 'Family and friends were thrilled,' she says. 
Today, Sandra and Terry say they are happier than ever. 'I just regret that we haven't spent the whole of our lives together and wish we'd had the maturity during our first marriage to work through those problems,' says Sandra. 
Therapist Charlotte Friedman is not surprised that previously married couples will often find themselves attracted to one another again. 'These couples share a powerful bond: past history,' she says.
'I do regret that we did not stay together. But on the other hand, it's only because we have been apart that we appreciate one another'
'That other person knows about you, your background, your friends and even the way you take your tea or coffee. It makes for a very comfortable and fulfilling relationship.' 
And it is this shared history that can draw divorced couples back together. When Malcolm and Jeanette Salmons' daughter Marie killed herself aged 20, only they knew the true depth of each other's grief. 
They'd divorced in 1974 after four years of marriage, and had fallen out of contact, speaking only occasionally about their daughter's welfare. 
But when she died, Jeanette, a 55-year-old civil servant, says: 'We were distraught. We could sit there in silence and hold hands. It was hugely comforting.' 
Jeanette and Malcolm first married in 1970. They had been dating a year, and Jeanette was already pregnant with Marie. But within two years Jeanette had left Malcolm, who runs his own dry-cleaning business, taking Marie with her. 
'We had financial worries and Malcolm worked all day, while I looked after our daughter. I felt very resentful and our marriage crumbled.' 
The pair divorced and both married new partners and had more children. Malcolm saw his daughter briefly, but it wasn't until she was in her teens that he became involved. 
Jeanette says: 'We had all but lost touch, but I did get in contact with Malcolm because I was so worried about Marie. She had become involved with drugs and Malcolm accompanied me to doctor's appointments with her. 
'When Marie died, it tore both of us apart, and yet, in a strange way, threw us back together in grief.' 
But although Jeanette's second marriage had finished, Malcolm was still with his second wife. So both went their separate ways again. 
That was until 13 years later when they bumped into each other at a mutual friend's house. By now, Malcolm's second marriage was over, too. 'A couple of days after Malcolm rang and said simply: "I wondered if you'd missed me?''' 
They arranged to go out for dinner. 'It might sound ridiculous, but I was so nervous,' says Jeanette. 'When we came to say goodnight, it felt incredibly awkward. But then, as we kissed, all those old feelings flooded back.' 
After that the pair were inseparable. 'It was our history  -  Marie and everything we had gone through with her that gave our relationship the basis to develop. It brought us closer. 
'We began visiting Marie's grave together. It was wonderful to be able to share our memories. Neither of us could do that with anyone else.' 
In October last year, the couple remarried at the same church near their home in Buckhurst Hill, Essex, where their daughter is buried. 'The feelings I have for Malcolm run incredibly deep,' says Jeanette. 
'I do regret that we did not stay together. But on the other hand, it's only because we have been apart that we appreciate one another.'


source:- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1258503/Getting-divorced-biggest-mistake-lives-got-married.html

Wednesday 15 July 2015

The Divorce Dietary Plan

One of my best friends (let's call her Lisa) is going through a divorce, and I, despite having no knowledge of what she is going through, am trying to stand by her to help her through this difficult time. I am not alone in that role. We all have a Lisa or a Larry whose hand we are holding (or held) during the dissolving of a marriage and chances are, most of us struggle with what we can do to actually help. Throughout my discussions with my friend, however, I realized that above and beyond the psychological hardship she was going through was an additional hardship to her health. Once a healthy eater and marathon runner, she had now acquired a late-night chip habit, was skipping breakfast, turning to sweets to cope for times when she felt the most depressed and even though she was not overdoing it on her alcohol consumption, she found herself having a drink a few nights a week after work -- something she never did during her married days. So one day, in the midst of a helpless moment, I said, "tell me what I can do to make life easier for you," and her reply was adamant, "I need to turn around my diet; can you help me?" So began weeks of pantry and fridge clean ups, transitioning to foods that kept her emotions up and her weight down; and an educational format that showed Lisa how healthy foods would help her get through some of the physical and mental challenges she was experiencing. It was essentially a "divorce diet." After 12 weeks, her attitude, energy and general outlook on her future improved. In no way am I suggesting that diet alone cured all that ailed her, but in Lisa's world at least, she told me my divorce diet was saving her health and ultimately, helped her to recognize the incredible life she still had before her.
Our emotions can dictate a large part of our diet. A bad day at work, a fight with a friend, or even just a long commute home in heavy traffic can cause a relatively healthy person to start dreaming about that glass of chardonnay, the cookie, or the pizza that awaits them at home or the French fries they'll pick up at the next intersection. They are never dreaming about that big bowl of steamed broccoli, that refreshing glass or cucumber water or the seaweed snacks that are stashed in the pantry. These scenarios are acute, as opposed to chronic however, so when faced with stress day in and day out, as is commonly the case while going through a divorce, the reliance on these unhealthy foods can take a toll.
First, it's important to recognize that the "feel good" foods you're chomping on won't make you feel any better; they'll actually make you feel worse. Our sugar addictions are out of control and are often coupled with or into foods that are chock full of refined carbohydrates as well (think French fries, pizza and doughnuts). Turning to them in a time of stress may not be the straw that breaks the camel's back, but turn to them every night to soothe your pain and it will be hard to ever turn away. The sad truth is that they may make your sadness worse. Researchers at the University of Finland found that consumption of sugary processed foods can actually elevate depression. Further, a 2014 study found that stressed individuals that indulged in alcohol or sweets to calm them actually experienced a reduced pleasure from the food of choice. Authors showed that although the desire for a reward (in this case, food or alcohol) was increased for stressed individuals, their pleasure they obtained from it was decreased. And then there's the very important reality about the effects on our physical health. The sugar high you feel is always accompanied by a low, and eventually, with constant consumption, your health can decline and your life can be shortened. So if you keep up with the candy, cookies and stripped of fiber crackers, your physical health will hitch a ride with your mood and both will follow a road that leads to nowhere.
Now what you know what not to have, here are eight diet-related truths and tips to get you to get you out of the divorcee rabbit hole more vibrant, energized and healthy than when you crawled in.
Go ahead, have chocolate, just not too much
While chocolate (the dark kind) is known to have a whole host of heart benefits, it's the stress reduction wow factor that will help you during this time in your life. A 2009 study as well as a 2012 study suggested that moderate chocolate consumption could actually help ease stress. The key word here is moderate; if you want to have an ounce of chocolate a day as a treat, go for it, just don't have the whole bar in a moment of weakness.
Become a salmon "addict"
Several studies have linked deficiencies in omega-3 fatty acids to depression and several more studies show that having omega-3 fatty acids in your diet may even help to ward of depression. Further, adding vitamin D into the mix may also assist in decreasing depressive symptoms as well. Guess what food has both omega-3 fatty acids and vitamin D? Three servings a day of wild salmon will be a great start to a healthy plan.
Don't fear fat, just fear the type
Fat gets a bad wrap, but most fats will help you when you when you're looking for something to make you satisfied and full. Both olive oil and the oils from pine nuts have been shown to help keep you fuller, longer. So when you find yourself looking for something to crunch on that makes you feel happy, why not try some popcorn (see my next tip) with a little drizzled oil and sea salt added instead of potato chips or a tub of frosting? The fat in the latter foods may increase your risk for heart disease and stroke and may even increase depression.
When you feel the need to just veg out on the couch, choose popcorn as the snack of choice
Next to coffee, arugula and eggs, popcorn is one of my most favorite foods. It's crunchy, it can be salty or slightly sweet and you can have lots of it for not a lot of calories. That's key for any man or woman struggling to keep weight down during stressful times (and struggling to limit those late night snack attacks). A great source of whole grains, popcorn provides you the antioxidants you need to boost immunity (stress can weaken immune systems in both parents and children) at a measly 31 calories a cup.
Whey your breakfast options 
One major change I made to Lisa's diet included having a high-protein shake for breakfast. Lisa called this addition a "game changer" to her former eating habits as it kept her full for a big chunk of the day and made her more resistant to cravings later in the day. A small 2013 study found that having higher amounts of protein for breakfast helped to regulate signals that controlled food regulation, and made participants more resistant to snacking on junk food later in the day. I also suggested that Lisa look for a protein powder that incorporated Whey. One study showed that consumption of whey protein (a major protein found in milk) increased serotonin (a feel-good hormone first isolated at the Cleveland Clinic that is associated with mood elevation).
Envisioning a happy future may make it easier to eat healthier 
2014 study found that individuals that literally envisioned a happy future actually ate better. So while you're eating your "happy" foods, it couldn't hurt to think of that happy future too!
Make exercise and adequate sleep non-negotiable components to your day
As tempting as it is to lie around, you have to get off the couch (and don't watch cooking shows, they may make your diet worse). Exercise increases feel good hormonesboosts self esteem and keeps excess pounds off. Further, without getting enough Zzzs at night, all your "get healthy" plans will become more difficult to achieve. Sleep enhancers include cherries and fatty fishsleep disrupters include that nightly glass of wine.
If you need further motivation to clean your diet, think about your children. 
Finally, as I am learning through Lisa, divorce effects family members in different ways and new evidence implies a connection between mom or dad's eating habits and the diet of the kids. A 2015 study in the Journal Childhood Obesity found that children of recently separated or divorced families were much more likely to drink sugar sweetened beverages than children whose parents were married. This bad habit sets up these children for obesity and its related chronic conditions (diabetes, non-alcoholic fatty liver disease, heart disease, etc.) later in life. Another point brought out by the authors of this study is that changing routines due to a divorce in the family are common. Keeping a set time when mom or dad has a meal with the kids, even if it's just a few times a week is critical and can help to ward off obesity and keep healthy eating habits intact.
Lisa's divorce dietary plan isn't the only thing that is getting her past a difficult time. But she's back to exercising, she's eating well, and she finally feels that tomorrow might not be so bad. These suggestions won't change your life, but they may help to make you stronger, both physically and mentally.

source:- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kristin-kirkpatrick-ms-rd-ld/the-divorce-dietary-plan_b_6812950.html

                            

Monday 6 July 2015

Divorce Mediation: Participant's Exercises

                                                      Lois Gold
The following exercises have been excerpted from the book BETWEEN LOVE AND HATE: A GUIDE TO CIVILIZED DIVORCE by Lois Gold, M.S.W. These exercises can be used in conjunction with mediation or the parties can work with them on their own.
EMOTIONAL CLOSURE: AN EXERCISE FOR RESOLVING BLAME AND GUILT IN PARTNERSHIPS AND INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS
With the right intention, this exercise can be a very powerful tool to help couples come to terms with the breakdown of their relationship and help them with letting go. It can be used in mediation or counseling or parties may work with it on their own. I have found that it allows troubled partners to acknowledge what went wrong in their relationship in a profoundly healing manner. Each person needs to write their responses separately. A time can be set later to share. When sharing responses, each should slowly read their responses aloud without interruption. The purpose of the exercise is simply to acknowledge what is without judgement or debate. It is an opportunity to explore your feelings honestly and if you choose to tell each other what has really been in your heart.
1. I am still angry at you for......
2. I am angry at myself for.....
3. I should have........
4. You should have......
5. I wish we could have.....
6. I am sorry for...............
7. I want you to acknowledge...............
8. I need to acknowledge..............
9. I feel you owe me.......
10. I feel I owe you......
11. I need to forgive myself for......
12. I need to forgive you for.....
13. I learned from you and by knowing you gained in the following ways.....
14. I enriched you in the following ways....
15. I wish for you....
16. I wish for myself......
SEPARATING YOUR RELATIONSHIP AS PARENTS FROM THE MARRIAGE
When a person has been hurt or betrayed by a trusted partner, it is difficult to see their good qualities as parents. The following questionnaire will give you more objectivity about your spouse's parenting abilities and help you separate your business as parents from your disappointment in each other as spouses. Try to put aside your anger to answer these questions. It is important to develop objectivity in order to be able to see what the children value about their other parent and to make the best decisions for them. 1. List your partner's strengths as a parent.
2. List your partner's shortcomings as a parent.
3. List your strengths as a parent.
4. List your shortcomings as a parent.
5. List your partner's good qualities as a mate.
6. List your partner's weaknesses or your disappointments in him or her as a mate.
7. List your good qualities as a mate.
8. List your partner's disappointments in you as a mate.
9. What is important to your spouse about being a parent?
10. What is important to you about being a parent?
11. What do the children value most about the other parent.
PARENTING PRIORITY REVIEW
Divorce can change the way you carry out parental duties dramatically. Your time with the children will be your own and will not be influenced by the presence of your spouse. You will not be with your children as much or have control over what occurs in the other parent's household. It is a good time to take stock and re-examine your own goals and priorities as a parent. By concentrating on the time and opportunities you do have with the children, rather than what you have lost, you can strengthen the quality and closeness of your relationship with them.
1. What are your priorities as a parent.
2. What do you believe are the most important qualities in a parent-child relationship? How can you maximize these aspects of your relationship with the children given the divorce?
3. What basic values do you want to impart to your children? How can and do you convey your values?
4. What do your want to change about yourself as a parent? What would you like to improve about your relationship with any of your children. How can you implement these improvements?
5. What do you want to give your children that you did not receive from your parents?
6. What do your children need to help them adjust well to the separation or divorce?
7. If your parents were divorced when you were a child, how is your children's experience of this divorce different from your own? How can you help them in ways that you weren't helped?
8. When your children are adults and look back on the divorce? How do you want them to remember your handling of the divorce?

source:- http://www.mediate.com/articles/gold4.cfm
  
                                                            

Friday 3 July 2015

Things NOT To Say To Someone Recently Divorced

breakup
Photo: Natsuo Ikegami/Moment/GettyImages

1. "But you two always seemed so happy..."


I heard this a lot after my first marriage ended some 20 years ago. My marital troubles weren't the sort to manifest in public scenes or to burst out in scandals. We had two healthy and winsome little kids, shared a sense of humor, liked many of the same people and hid the unhappiness behind closed doors. No one—no one we knew, anyway—saw me throw his McDonald's cheeseburger out the car window in a frustrated fit; and, no one saw us talking, calmly, hours into the night about how to tell the children. 

So, of course people who didn't really know us were surprised. But when they expressed that surprise—"but you two always seemed so happy," it often felt like an accusation. Their comment pushed me right into defensive mode: "Well, it may have appeared that way but, truly, we were fighting all the time..." No matter to whom I was speaking, a neighbor, a second-cousin, or how casual the relationship, I felt the need to justify what we had done—only wondering afterward why I had shared my private life. So, even if a divorce surprises you, saying that it was you who didn't see what was happening—instead of implying that maybe the divorcing couple has made a mistake—is much kinder. My favorite reaction: "I'm sorry. I had no idea." 

2. "Did you try couples therapy?"


Asking a newly divorced person if she tried therapy, or a vacation without the kids, or regular date nights or any other way to forestall the divorce is going to play right into that voice in her head, the voice that says: You should have tried harder. You rushed into this. 

It's an inevitable worry when the stakes are so high—though, in my experience, more people rush into marriage than rush into divorce. I surely did. I knew my first husband for less than half a year when we got engaged, and no one tried to slow us down. But fast forward eight years and, yes, we did go to couples counseling—where, after many months, on a particular evening, I realized we had entered the Humpty-Dumpty stage. All the king's horses and all the king's men... 

It wasn't what we were saying. It was the place where we sat. The therapist was a woman in her seventies, and her office was in her house, her husband occasionally visible in the garden or audible from upstairs. And there was something about being in that home, feeling the complexity of all those years of two people living together, raising children into adulthood together, somehow "making it" for decades, that made me realize that, try as we might, our marriage could not survive. It was, quite simply, unimaginable to be at their stage and still be together. So, in a strange and decidedly unexpected way, it was the couples therapy that made me certain we should divorce. 

Still, that sense of certainty faltered at times, even through the final decision. (The children! The children!) So, anything that sounded remotely like, "Are you sure you needed to do this?" or "Are you certain you tried every solution?" buried me again in paralyzing insecurity. 

3. "I hope you have a good lawyer."


Okay. If it's your sister who's getting divorced, and you know she is up against a real so-and-so and you're superclose, you get to say this. But for anyone outside the inner circle to suggest that the end of a marriage is a war, complete with sides, is just plain wrong. And it can also feel like a back-door way of asking for lurid details. 

Trust me, if the newly divorced person wants you to know about his or her legal situation, whether that's involving custody, alimony or child support, he or she will be the one to bring it up. And if she does, don't be too critical of whatever settlement she's reached. Though my ex and I shared many expenses, I never received formal child support, and people told me endlessly I should have fought for it, should have gotten myself some shark of a lawyer to do better for me; but those people didn't know the whole story, and their reproaches, kindly meant as they were, caused me social discomfort, because the details were all way too intimate, and were also genuinely painful, for reasons that I didn't want to share. There is no one-size-fits-all settlement for every divorce. A family is a complex and, sometimes, very fragile thing—never more so than when reconfiguring itself into two new parts.

source:- http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Talking-to-Friend-Getting-Divorced