Getting Divorced Was The Biggest Mistake Of Our Lives (so we all got re-married!)

Linda Clements vividly recalls the moment her divorce from her husband of 25 years was finalised. 

'I looked at that decree absolute, and after all the fighting and haggling, I was suddenly overcome with grief. Our marriage was actually over,' she says. 

'But more than that, I had a nagging feeling that our divorce was a huge mistake.' 

Such a mistake, in fact, that in July last year  -  and seven years after they got divorced  -  Linda, now 53, and her husband Billy, 58, a businessman, remarried. 

White wedding : Billy and Linda Clements at their first wedding in 1974...

...and after divorcing and reconcilliating, at their second wedding in 2009

'It was akin to coming home,' recalls Linda, a health adviser. 'A relief that after what turned out to be seven years in the wilderness, I had finally realised how much Billy meant to me.' 

Of course, some people would claim they'd rather walk on hot coals than even contemplate marrying their former spouse. There might also be concrete reasons why such a liaison is unthinkable  -  it was a violent relationship, for example, or your spouse was a serial cheater. 

But Linda and Billy are far from the only ones to find marital bliss once again by remarrying their ex. In fact, while statistics on remarriage to an ex are not
routinely recorded, according to counselling service Relate one in four people regrets their divorce.

Considering that divorce and separation hold second and third place in the psychiatric scale of life's most stressful events (death of a spouse comes first), and that divorced people are about 35 per cent more likely to consult their GP than married couples, it's not surprising many find being single again isn't quite what they thought it would be. 

In this age of 'moving on', admitting you still love your ex might, however, be a taboo subject  -  especially if the divorce was costly and traumatic. 

But Charlotte Friedman, relationship therapist and founder of divorcesupportgroup.co.uk, says feelings of regret are often an ongoing issue with the couples she speaks to. 

'I've noticed that when a divorce that has taken a few years to finalise comes through, at least one partner can feel they made too hasty a decision,' she says. 

'But by the time they realise that, so much bad feeling has come between them it can be hard to find a way back. That's why divorces can take years to get over.' 

Indeed, Linda Clements confesses that she spent seven years trying to make her single life work before she was able to tell ex-husband Billy her feelings. 

'And I was incredibly fortunate that he hadn't been able to get over me too,' she says. 

Linda and Billy, from Darwen, Lancs, first married in September 1974 when she was 18 and he was 23. They had been dating since Linda was 16.

'We had a beautiful white wedding with four bridesmaids and around 100 guests,' she recalls, 'and afterwards we bought our own two-bedroom home.'

'I felt I was growing old and there was simply nothing to look forward to. Looking back, I can only describe it as a mid-life crisis'

Two children, Nicola, now 35, and Amanda, 32, followed. The couple moved into a larger three-bedroom house. Linda describes the next 25 years as very happy.

'Of course we had our ups and downs,' she says, 'but then, what couple doesn't? 

Ultimately, though, while I didn't appreciate it at the time, I look back and see we had a great life together. We both had jobs we enjoyed, holidays and two gorgeous daughters.' 

Billy and Linda's silver wedding anniversary was held in style  -  a party in a nearby hotel with a buffet for 150 people. 'People congratulated us,' says Linda, 'and I felt proud that we were one of those couples who had weathered the storms and made our relationship work.' 

The couple even went on a celebratory holiday of a lifetime to Kenya. But within weeks of returning, Linda, then 43, had sunk into depression. 

'Perhaps it was the anti-climax of all the celebrations, but I began to think: Is this it? Is this all there is to my life? 

'The girls were leaving home and suddenly I felt life was mundane. I felt I was growing old and there was simply nothing to look forward to. Looking back, I can only describe it as a mid-life crisis. 

'I even thought about having another baby. Perhaps I hoped it would breathe new life into our relationship, but Billy was adamant that he didn't want to go back to nappies. It caused rows, which escalated into even further unhappiness for us both.' 

Within a year, Linda had moved out. 'I felt I'd been married forever and life was passing me by. I didn't have any time for myself and felt trapped. It seemed my life was taken up with doing things for everyone else. 

'But when I tried to discuss it with Billy, he didn't seem to understand. We began arguing because he thought our marriage was fine. Then one day I snapped, and decided to leave.' 

In hindsight, it is a decision that Linda still feels guilty about. 'Billy was devastated, as were my daughters,' she recalls, 'but at the time I couldn't see any other alternative.' 

After a spell staying with her mother, she found a flat and began living the single life she thought she wanted. She also instigated divorce proceedings.

Lessons learnt: Terry and Sandra Kaufman in 1958 and, right, in 2008

'I began going out more,' she says. 'I just wanted out  -  I even said to Billy he could have the house when the lawyers started dividing our assets. Billy came round and tried to talk me out of it, but I was just focused on having time to myself.' 

However, post-divorce, things didn't go as Linda had planned. She had a few relationships  -  including some with younger men  -  but couldn't shake off her feelings for her ex. 

'I started to feel that I had rushed into divorce, and I'd made the wrong decision. Every man I met I compared to Billy. 

'When you are married, you imagine that life must be more exciting single. You think that you might meet someone who will make your heart beat faster again. 

'But the reality was that there were few men I fancied, and those I dated were not a patch on Billy. Many of them droned on about themselves. It made me appreciate that Billy was much more thoughtful than I'd realised. 

'I also didn't realise how much I would miss those routine things in marriage, such as sharing a meal or having a cup of tea in bed. Those everyday routines stabilise life and make it happy.'

It was finally at a family barbecue held by their youngest daughter in the summer of 2008 that they began talking. 

'Up until then we'd only seen each other once or twice since our divorce. Billy had been too upset to stay in touch,' recalls Linda. 'The rare times we had met, we'd never really talked properly. But at the party, Billy looked lovely and we began reminiscing. Later that day, Billy suggested we met for dinner "for old time's sake".

'Speaking to him after so many years was strange as he sounded the same. Suddenly, I was a teenager again and all those old feelings flooded back'

'It felt so natural when we met up and I knew then that I never should have left our marriage. Billy knew I'd made a mistake; I didn't even need to say anything.'

The feelings appeared to be mutual, as after dinner, they then met for a walk. And then for a cinema date. And, finally, dinner again. 

'We began holding hands, becoming more physical as each date went on,' says Linda. 'Then one evening we had a kiss. From then on our relationship redeveloped.' 

However, getting Billy to forgive her took time: 'He was still angry that I'd left, but over our dates we talked everything through and gradually he came to forgive me  -  and fall in love with me again. And, second time round, we're so much closer and more intimate than before. 

'We told the girls we were back together and they were thrilled. After three months we decided we wanted to get married again  -  in another white wedding to prove our commitment. 

'It was such a relief. No one else ever came close to how I feel about Billy and our marriage is so much better the second time around.' 

The same sentiment is shared by Sandra Kaufman, 68. She first tied the knot with Terry, also 68, a retired chef, in 1958 when they were both aged 18. They then split two years later. 

'We were both too young,' says Sandra. 'We had to live with my parents after we married because we were saving for a house. Terry was also commuting a lot. Within two years we had grown apart.

'Our relationship never got off the ground. Because we had no children, it was easy to go separate ways.' 

After their divorce, Sandra remarried and had six children. Meanwhile, Terry remarried and had a daughter. 

However, Sandra, a retired admin assistant, maintains she never forgot her first love. 'My new husband Derek was a good man,' she recalls, 'but there was never the spark in our marriage that I had shared with Terry. 

'I never went looking for him, but he was always there in the back of my mind  -  and I wondered what might have happened if we hadn't met so young.'

Shared history: Malcolm and Jeanette Salmons when they first married in 1970...

...and at their second wedding day in 2009, after their daughter's tragic death

She and Derek finally divorced after 11 years of marriage. Although she didn't marry again, she met another man with whom she was with for a further 11 years. 

'In all this time, there was a loneliness that I couldn't put my finger on,' she admits.
Shortly after her relationship finished, Sandra was visiting a friend who mentioned that Terry, with whom she'd lost touch, had been asking after her.

Sandra recalls: 'The following day I received a call from Terry. Sadly, his wife had died earlier that year from a heart attack. 

'Speaking to him after so many years was strange as he sounded the same. Suddenly, I was a teenager again and all those old feelings came flooding back.'

The couple, who lived over 100 miles apart, began talking regularly on the phone. But then Terry invited Sandra to stay with him and his daughter.

'I wasn't nervous because by now we'd spoken so much on the phone I felt as if we'd never been apart. However, during that visit, I found myself falling in love with Terry all over again,' she says. 

'Then, one day after we'd been out, we kissed and both of us knew we wanted to be together.'

So in 2008, a Leap Year, Sandra proposed to Terry and in November  -  exactly 50 years after their first wedding  -  the couple remarried. 'Family and friends were thrilled,' she says. 

Today, Sandra and Terry say they are happier than ever. 'I just regret that we haven't spent the whole of our lives together and wish we'd had the maturity during our first marriage to work through those problems,' says Sandra. 

Therapist Charlotte Friedman is not surprised that previously married couples will often find themselves attracted to one another again. 'These couples share a powerful bond: past history,' she says.

'I do regret that we did not stay together. But on the other hand, it's only because we have been apart that we appreciate one another'

'That other person knows about you, your background, your friends and even the way you take your tea or coffee. It makes for a very comfortable and fulfilling relationship.' 

And it is this shared history that can draw divorced couples back together. When Malcolm and Jeanette Salmons' daughter Marie killed herself aged 20, only they knew the true depth of each other's grief. 

They'd divorced in 1974 after four years of marriage, and had fallen out of contact, speaking only occasionally about their daughter's welfare. 

But when she died, Jeanette, a 55-year-old civil servant, says: 'We were distraught. We could sit there in silence and hold hands. It was hugely comforting.' 

Jeanette and Malcolm first married in 1970. They had been dating a year, and Jeanette was already pregnant with Marie. But within two years Jeanette had left Malcolm, who runs his own dry-cleaning business, taking Marie with her. 

'We had financial worries and Malcolm worked all day, while I looked after our daughter. I felt very resentful and our marriage crumbled.' 

The pair divorced and both married new partners and had more children. Malcolm saw his daughter briefly, but it wasn't until she was in her teens that he became involved. 

Jeanette says: 'We had all but lost touch, but I did get in contact with Malcolm because I was so worried about Marie. She had become involved with drugs and Malcolm accompanied me to doctor's appointments with her. 

'When Marie died, it tore both of us apart, and yet, in a strange way, threw us back together in grief.' 

But although Jeanette's second marriage had finished, Malcolm was still with his second wife. So both went their separate ways again. 

That was until 13 years later when they bumped into each other at a mutual friend's house. By now, Malcolm's second marriage was over, too. 'A couple of days after Malcolm rang and said simply: "I wondered if you'd missed me?''' 

They arranged to go out for dinner. 'It might sound ridiculous, but I was so nervous,' says Jeanette. 'When we came to say goodnight, it felt incredibly awkward. But then, as we kissed, all those old feelings flooded back.' 

After that the pair were inseparable. 'It was our history  -  Marie and everything we had gone through with her that gave our relationship the basis to develop. It brought us closer. 

'We began visiting Marie's grave together. It was wonderful to be able to share our memories. Neither of us could do that with anyone else.' 

In October last year, the couple remarried at the same church near their home in Buckhurst Hill, Essex, where their daughter is buried. 'The feelings I have for Malcolm run incredibly deep,' says Jeanette. 

'I do regret that we did not stay together. But on the other hand, it's only because we have been apart that we appreciate one another.'

source:- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1258503/Getting-divorced-biggest-mistake-lives-got-married.html