Thursday 30 October 2014

Is Your Marriage Headed for Divorce?


Is Your Marriage Headed for Divorce?



It stinks. It just really stinks. Your marriage is a continual nightmare. It's
not that there's physical abuse or screaming matches. It's just that you
resent your partner. You feel they tricked you. They faked who they
truly were while you were dating. And as the years go by, you all
drifted apart. There are a lot more bad times than good. The kids
know you and mom don't really like each other and they use that
against you. You haven't had sex, at least the way it's supposed to be,
in ages. You find yourself wishing you were with other women.

You know you probably shouldn't divorce, but it seems like if you
don't, you'll never be happy. You feel trapped. What do you do?

Tuesday 28 October 2014

Marriage Problem

Not sure how to start this message other than by saying my marriage stinks and I don't know how to fix it! And that I'm looking for a counselor who can help us. Anyone else have advice?

Relationships are complex and there are layers to our problems. But, what rises to the top at this point is a general lack of respect by my husband. He does not support my career choice (I was not an MD when we married). Does not respect medicine in general. Hates the way my work impacts our lives. Does not want his life/career to be inconvenienced by my call schedule, my work, our children. Pressured about financial issues but somehow expects me to pay back loans while working but not so much that I can't also run the household and be the primary caregiver for our children. Yes, he put up with my medical school training/residency. But, I put up with his bitching every step of the way. Sounds like a real prince, I know.

I think the hardest part for me it communicating day to day. He is very confrontational and gets his way by yelling. Gets frustrated, then yells at me and our kids. I'm not a yeller. I talk, empathize, negotiate. I'm up at 3 am writing this because I'm so upset I can't sleep. Yesterday was my son's birthday and my husband was grouchy. My son walked up to us and said "new rule, no yelling on my birthday." I don't want to keep on living like this. 

I'm bright, hardworking, a really nice person. And I am good at problem solving, finding my way through things. But I'm at a loss here. I've thought countless times about ending it but there is always that hope (for the kids and all of us) that things will be better when residency is over, after the kids reach a less demanding stage, when work settles down etc. 

I know the qoute that no one can treat you without respect without you letting them. But, how does a person command respect? And do I even want it at this point? How do I get him to quit yelling? I've asked him to stop and he temporarily does, then it returns to his now normal baseline. He is such a load and I'm sick of propping him up (ie supporting his need for exercise, spending time with friends, etc) just to get him through our lives. He acts so priveledged, as if I have to apologize for bringing children and a career into our marriage and therefore disrupting his otherwise calm and perfect life. 

What am I supposed to do with this?!


To read this and the suggestions offered, go to :- http://www.mommd.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/80401/marriage_problem

Sunday 26 October 2014

My Marriage Stinks...Ready To Hear Feedback?

This is really interesting.......  I only picked one answer to this, the one I thought was the most intriguing.

==========================


My marriage stinks...ready to hear feedback? 

I have been married for over 10 years. And I am at the point of leaving. I have two kids. (6 and 4 years old). We have an argument at least everyday, our interests have changed, and more and more I feel we have absolutely nothing in common. (A big portion of him still feel that he needs to be drinking with the boys in order to have fun)
I no longer desire sex from my spouse...to be quite honest.....I want no part of that anymore...and a part of me is no longer attracted to him. He has never don't anything to harm me or my kids. He actually does more than expected. He cleans, does laundry,..cooks,.....He definitely pulls his weight. However, something has gone missing over the last 3-4 years. I have told him on many occasions, that I'm not very happy...but we just live the same routine every day. We aslo struggle financially,...so I'm sure that doesn't help the situation.
Most times when I take the kids and do my own thing things run very smooth...and I tend to be happier. Shouldn't I be with someone that has the same interests as me...and that I am physically attracted to? My spouse has sexual needs,...and I am not filling them. But I'm just not interested. It seems like we just live together, and take care of the kids. Other than that......something has really gone missing from my end. I am prepared to bail and live with my mom until I get back on my feet....but I don't want to Jump the gun......but I guess what am I waiting for...things don't magically happen...any feedback is appreciated. by the way I am 38 and my spouse is 40. 

Source:- https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090202084946AA0CtaH
=============================================
And the answer I thought most intriguing?
http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YK5-5qf9IQs

Friday 24 October 2014

My Marriage Stinks.

My marriage stinks.

I need help.

My wife and I have been married for five years. Looking back on it, we probably rushed into marriage--we were both 23 at the time--but we were madly in love, and it seemed like the right choice. Our problems really began shortly afterwards. To be honest, I haven't really been happy for the last three or years, although I never really attributed this to my relationship.

Until now. Last night, she suggested that she is not satisfied with our relationship. She insists that she still loves me -- and she's dedicated to making it work -- but now I'm so angry that I'm not sure if I want to stick with it. She listed a set of "grievances," which are basically the perennial issues of our relationship. Here is her list: 

Thursday 23 October 2014

When Marriage Really Stinks

When Marriage Really Stinks

People have two big fears about marriage. The first is that they will trust their spouse and then be abandoned, whether literally or in other ways. Those other ways might include infidelity, overly long hours at work or with friends, or silent time in front of a TV or computer. They might also include failure to be supportive in the face of challenging in-laws or children. They worry even when their spouses have no intention of doing any of these and promise to stay by their side.

Monday 20 October 2014

I Hate My Marriage

I Can't Figure Out What To Do 

I love my husband, but I cannot stand our marriage. We had a super-passionate start, with tons of interests in common, and a scarily powerful attraction. But now, 6 six years later, I find myself silenced by his maddeningly circular arguments and justifications, with new reasons every week to explain why his perspective is right, and mine is argumentative. I am totally losing it, and just cried on the floor. Bah.

He is not a detail person -- he's a big picture person. But he loves to paint the big picture regardless of the facts. Me? I'm a fact person; details are what I notice. So nearly every conversation ends in an argument -- sometimes because I simply can't agree with him, and sometimes because I didn't do so vehemently or submissively enough. I am not a meek person, and this is incredibly hard to take.

What's more, I support us, and by us, I mean him, me, his child from a previous marriage, and our twins. I work multiple jobs from home while he finishes school. His work load and schedule are not easy, but he also doesn't pay a single bill. I'm sure that some level of his need to be dominant in conversation is a product of his guilt and a normal need to feel in control of *something*, but he talks (and talks and talks) about understanding people and how they think, but somehow can't see AT ALL why he does what he does in the moment, or what emotional support I might need. If I tell him, he feels defensive and angry -- or worse, if I tell him while I'm upset because of a lack of something, not matter how calmly or nicely I try to describe my feelings, I am "getting into an argument" by "trying to force [him] to see [my] point of view." !!! If, on the other hand, I say nothing, I'm accused of being uncommunicative and distant. %^#$%$%!@!!!

I put this under "I hate my marriage" because as angry as I get I don't hate my husband. In there, buried under this horrible mess of self-justification and defensive rage, is a smart, loving man who became my best friend years ago. But now, I "act like his mother" while he refuses to give even simple preferences when I try to approach any question as a partner and equal. His view of me is that I'm a totalitarian, judgmental, control freak -- but he will not make a decision, discuss disagreements calmly, or approach pretty much any situation with a modicum of self-discipline. Worst of all, for the kids, he is an example. And I fear, not just for his and my mental and emotional well-being, but for the example that they -- girls and boy -- see of how a marriage works and how an adult man behaves. What on earth am I supposed to do?

Source:- http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Hate-My-Marriage/1667595

Sunday 19 October 2014

Splitting Up What You Own During Divorce

Splitting up what you own during divorce

When dividing things up during divorce or dissolution, you can reach agreement on your own or use the courts. This article offers an overview of things to consider when deciding which option is for you and provides links to further information.

The basics of splitting up what you own

In England, Wales and Northern Ireland, everything you own can be taken into account as part of the overall divorce or dissolution settlement. However, some assets, such as money or property you have inherited, may not be treated the same as those that you’ve bought or earned.

The basics in Scotland

In Scotland, generally, only assets you have built up during the time you have been married or in a civil partnership are taken into account. However, if you owned previously an asset which changed form during the marriage or civil partnership, then it may be taken into account. You may be able to argue for an unequal division of the matrimonial property to take account of the pre-marriage value of it. If a house was bought before the marriage with the intention that it would be the family home, then it will be taken into account.

Agreeing how to split your assets

If you’re married or in a civil partnership you may decide to agree between you how you divide money and assets you own (such as property and investments) or you can go to court. If you decide not to go to court, you can use a professional adviser, such as a collaborative lawyer, an arbitrator, a family lawyer or a mediator (a professional skilled in helping people to negotiate with each other) to help you reach an agreement.
If you want to decide between you how your assets and any debts you have will be divided, you should get a court order drawn up, which is a legally binding agreement, otherwise your spouse or civil partner could make another claim against you in the future. In Scotland, this is known as a separation agreement. To ensure that your ex-partner cannot make another claim against you in the future, you should seek professional help regarding your separation agreement.

Dividing up your assets

If you don’t want to go to court, you will need to decide how to divide assets you own jointly (such as bank accounts or joint investments) and those you own individually (such as savings or a pension in your own name).

Family home

There are different ways that you can divide the family home if you own it. One partner can buy the other out or you can sell up and split the proceeds – either equally or in unequal shares. How you split the family home will depend on factors such as the size of any existing mortgage, how big the mortgage is compared to the value of the property and how much each of you earns. If you rent, there are rules around who is liable to pay the rent during a divorce.
In Scotland, the overall value of the matrimonial property, any children and how the ownership of the remaining matrimonial property is constituted are all factors which would be considered in a decision regarding division of the matrimonial home.
Find out more about your options in:

Bank accounts

You should decide how and when to close down any joint accounts you have. If you have money in a joint account, it’s normally assumed to belong to each of you 50:50, no matter who paid it in if you live in England, Wales or Northern Ireland. In Scotland, if the money is in a joint account, then it becomes joint property which may mean that it should be divided unequally to take into account the ‘source of funds’.

Investments

Some investments, such as shares, can be owned jointly. Take advice if you are thinking of cashing in your investment so you can divide them between you.
If you own buy-to-let property jointly, you will need to get it valued and to work out whether you want to continue renting it out. Contact your lender if you want to take your ex-partner’s name off the mortgage and consider talking to a mortgage broker if you think you will need to remortgage. If one of you owns it in their name alone, it may need to be sold or transferred as part of the divorce or dissolution settlement.

Pensions

There are several different ways that a pension can be divided on divorce or dissolution. It’s a complex area and you may benefit from the help of an expert. Find out more about the ways a pension can be split. 

Businesses

Valuing and dividing a business can be difficult, especially if it’s privately owned (which many small businesses are). It’s best if you and your ex-partner can work out how much the business is worth through straightforward disclosure. However, you can talk to an expert, such as an accountant, if you cannot agree.
In Scotland, if one party owned or had shares in a business before the marriage or civil partnership and this situation did not change in form throughout the union, then they would not be taken into account. However, if there was any change in the form of that business/ those shares, then they would be taken into account. If there is a business owned pre-marriage or civil partnership that may have changed form, then it would be advisable to consult a solicitor as this is not a straightforward area of the law.
Source:-  https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/splitting-up-what-you-own-during-divorce

Saturday 18 October 2014

When parents split up – your stories

When parents split up – your stories

We asked you to share your memories of the moment you realised your parents were to break up. Here is a selection

divorce stories
The moment they broke the news. Photograph: Alamy/Posed by models

A cruel choice

Our mother took the three of us to Italy without Dad when I was 13. We stayed in a hotel with full board and went to the beach every day. It was quite wonderful and I don’t remember asking why Dad had not come. One day at lunch, we were sitting at a table, my younger brother and sister on either side of Mum and me opposite. She told us they were getting divorced: Dad was moving out to be with his new girlfriend and would probably want to take one of us to live with them.
My little brother put his hand on Mum’s arm and said: “Not me. I want to stay with you.”
My sister put her hand on Mum’s other arm and said: “He can’t have me, I am staying with you, too.”
Then all three silently looked at me. I felt for a horrid moment that they all hated me. But I was certain that Dad liked me a lot less than the other two. So I said: “Well, me, he won’t want.”
I wonder how my mother felt at that moment. We never talked about it again. In the end, he took none of us but he did take the dog, which hurt all of us kids the most.
Saskia Wesnigk-Wood

Dance of freedom

My mother could have gone to university. She was a working-class London grammar school child and an avid reader. She loved rock music and was considered born out of her time. She got pregnant, aged 18, with me and married hurriedly in 1958. To her young eyes, my father had the look of Marlon Brando. “He was silent and broody and could look after himself,” she said. She was a romantic then. 
My father drank and gambled. He used his wife as a punch bag. He burnt her records on the coal fire. She hid books under the settee cushions. We “begged” potatoes from the next door neighbours. They were bemused but generous.
I was 10 years old, one of six, and my youngest sibling was one. I came home from school one day and was met by my mother at the kitchen door. “I’m divorcing your father,” she said. She explained what this meant. Like a bird in first flight I was lifted up but without moving. We had a spontaneous dance around the kitchen. I still had my coat on. It was one of the highs of my childhood and family life.
I still see the pebble-effect vinyl on the kitchen floor when I remember. It was all, O Blessed Mother Mary, a welcome release.
Louie Robinson

All for the best

My parents split up when I was 10. I was getting ready for bed when they told me that they needed to talk to me. They said that they were separating, and that Dad would be moving out. I burst into tears, though I had expected this. It was the thought of our family splitting up that scared me. My dad moved into the spare bedroom for six months, then got an apartment. At times, I worried that he might stop visiting us and I cried for many nights, feeling so sad thinking about him alone in his apartment. But everything was more peaceful.
I felt relieved that their loud arguments wouldn’t happen any more. Ten years on, I’m so glad they were brave enough to make that decision. So many couples say that they stayed together for the sake of their children, but I think my parents’ separation made us all happier. By being true to themselves, they were proving their strength as parents. They knew that what they were doing was for the best. Now they can have amiable conversations and can reminisce fondly about the good times. It was the best decision for the family. 
Milly Burke Cunningham

divorce
Posed by model. Photograph: Alamy

Birthday to remember

It was at my 11th birthday party in 1946. My mother had made the usual glorious cake and sandwiches. I had just passed the exams for grammar school and was enjoying my presents: a tennis racquet, school blazer and matching set of Conway Stewart pens together with a bunch of pink carnations and blue cornflowers.
My friends were waiting to light the candles on my birthday cake when, in the background, I heard an argument between my mother and father and my father’s friend.
He pushed my mother, I said, “Dad, don’t do that,” and he turned and slapped me across the face – the first time he had ever hit me. Then he announced he was leaving us (my mother and us four children) to go and live with Uncle Dick. The tea party broke up and Dad and Dick left.
For years I thought it was my fault and it took many more years to realise my father had left us for another man.
Sukie Tomass

They made me laugh

My parents split up when I was six. I am nine now. I was downstairs watching television with my baby sister when my gran told me that my mummy and daddy wanted to speak to me. I thought it was going to be happy.
When I got to their room, they told me. They said it in the best way possible – though it doesn’t really matter how you say it, it will still be really sad. When I cried they hugged me and made me laugh by saying, “We’re still friends”, “Hi”, “Hello” and waved to each other.
After a few years, I got used to it and wasn’t as sad (but I’m still sad).
My daddy only lives a few roads away and we visit. We stay at his flat a lot and he comes over to our house almost every morning. My parents are always there if I want to talk and now they are happier and don’t fight often.
I really want them to get back together and it work out, but it is not that simple. We are all happy and love each other, which is the main thing.
Emily Harwell, aged nine

A change of plan

It was May 1974. My dad had been working in Canada for a year and my mum, my seven-year-old brother and I were due to emigrate and join him. I had just turned 12 and on this day my best friend was coming round to my house after school for tea.
As we entered the house I sensed an atmosphere. Mum hastily sent my friend away saying that she couldn’t stay as Dad was home. This was great news as I hadn’t seen him for a year. I was so excited but he just seemed subdued and quiet. Then they sat my brother and me down to talk. Mum said they were getting a divorce and that she wasn’t going to Canada. Then Mum asked who we’d like to be with.
I remember my answer: “We want to go to Canada.”
We’d been surrounded by the prospect of Canada for a year. We’d had our medicals and everything. It was all we talked about. What happened next was surreal. My mum jumped up and shouted hysterically that she’d had us for a year and now it was my dad’s turn. He could have us. She packed some stuff and left.
Life changed drastically. Dad sold our house, left us with my aunt and went back to Canada. He promised to send for us within a couple of months but two years later he announced he didn’t want us and so began another story. 
Anita Forde

A fait accompli

I was sitting on the back seat of a strange man’s car when my mother told me she was leaving my father. My mother was sitting in the front next to the man, who, it transpired, was her boss.
It was the school summer holidays. I was seven, had just left infant school and was about to enter the juniors. My brother was 11 and about to start grammar school. Big changes!
The day had started normally. My parents went to work as usual. I was in the care of Mrs Dicker, our cleaner-cum-childminder. My brother was spending the day with a friend. Around 11am, Mrs Dicker grumblingly walked me the mile back to our house.
My mother was standing on the pavement outside. Mrs Dicker was dismissed and I was taken round the corner to a spiffy black and red car. As we set off, I was told we were going on holiday to a farm in Cornwall. I liked holidays and farms, but didn’t like what followed.
Although I didn’t really understand what I was being told, I did understand that I wouldn’t be able to see my brother or my adored father every day, just at weekends. “I have to see Daddy every day. I just have to!”
I got off lightly. My brother and father found typed notes waiting on the mantelpiece when they came home unsuspectingly. I didn’t see these notes until my father died. They are chilling.
Jacqueline Graham

divorce
Posed by models. Photograph: Alamy

Our secret flit

Since 1939, we’d had a carpet shop in Huddersfield. In 1945 I was 14 and about to sit exams. I was off school for no reason I can remember, Rodney, seven, and Toby, six, being at home as well. Anne, 11, was at school. Dad came back from his lunchtime booze and went to sleep it off, as usual.
Then a lorry arrived in the back, driven by Fred, an acquaintance of mother’s friend Emmy. Everything happened very quickly. Worried, I asked what was going on.
“We are going to Emmy’s cottage in Bradford,” said Mum.
I was horrified, I didn’t want to leave Dad or school. “Go and get Anne from school,” she said.
The lorry was loaded with beds, clothes and stock from the shop, which mother felt was hers by rights.
Amazingly, Dad didn’t wake.
The cottage in Bradford was one-up, one-down, without kitchen, bathroom or hot water and an ancient outside lavatory. We had a bed in each corner, mother downstairs. We had left Dad before: he was an alcoholic – lovely and charming sober, dreadful when drunk.
This time we didn’t go back, but that night I wept. Mother, courageous and daring (there were no telephones to coordinate the flit), made a successful business selling rugs on Bradford and Knaresboro’ markets.
Kate Meynell

Cold comfort in Spain

I am 21, a 6ft strapping lad on a study year in Granada, Spain. I had been home at Christmas. All seemed normal. My flatmate in Granada, home too, stayed the night before we travelled back together to Spain. She is pretty and bubbly and my parents assume, incorrectly, that we are an item. Nothing is said. Much is left unsaid in our house.
We have to leave early in the morning and I go into my parents’ room to say goodbye. My father, whose last conversation with me about relationships was to ask if I felt a calling to the priesthood, whispers that I should take care not to get tied down too early.
It is spring 1976. Now I am waiting for my mother at Malaga airport, a flying visit. We chat on the bus and she asks if I remember Bob. I do, he was fun to be with: read comics, played keepy-uppy football.
We sit on the Balcón de Europa in Nerja. My mum announces, “Your dad and I are getting divorced and I am moving in with Bob. Your brothers have known since before Christmas.”
I cry as she consoles me.
I visit my mum and Bob in the summer. In the downstairs loo is a postcard from Nerja, from Mum to Bob, showing the Balcón. I turn it over and read the only two words: “Mission accomplished.”
Paul Murphy

Voices on the landing

I was lying in bed one night, drowsy and on the edge of sleep, yet half aware of my father just down the corridor, wallpapering the landing outside my brothers’ bedroom. He was talking quietly to my older brother. The gentle murmur of their voices lulled me into sleep. But then, suddenly, I was alert and wide awake as my father said, “I don’t love your mother any more.” There followed more ugly, jarring words to the effect that he loved someone else now instead of her.
This was how, aged 10, I learned of the split that was to come.
At first my brother and I bore the knowledge silently and separately. I sensed that he was burdened by the secret he had been entrusted with, and my heart ached for him. But I couldn’t admit to what I’d heard; this was too big, too frightening, and I feared that speaking about it might make it true and real. Also, I felt guilty for eavesdropping. Part of me hoped I had been dreaming but deep down I knew that I wasn’t, and within weeks things came into the open as matters escalated and our family world broke apart.
Name and address withheld

divorce
Posed by model. Photograph: Alamy

And then he was gone

I never was told my father was leaving my mother. But then neither was she.  Nor was my brother. Nor sister. He just left after a “State of the Union Address” (or not) to my mother.
It was 1970 and I was five. I should have worked out something was afoot. My parents had been to Paris days before they split and returned, unusually, with a gift for each of us. My father assured me that my gift , a model of a Ferrari, had my age on it as its racing number. Much thought had gone into its selection. Really? When I ripped the wrapping paper off I discovered he thought I was eight. The moment of silence between my parents was, I suspect, the decision point. Well, for him at least. And it almost deafened me. I remember consoling my mother, telling her, “Dad can’t have left – he’s left all his clothes behind.”
He came to collect those shortly thereafter, along with his books, our furniture and, subsequently – but for a deft piece of legal manoeuvring by my mother’s QC in the divorce courts – the title deeds to our home. We remained, however.
I was a little surprised this week, therefore, to receive an invitation to help “celebrate” his 40th wedding anniversary to his second wife (albeit a charming lady). I turned it down, saying I would be busy with other things. Like cutting the grass. I now take more care with wrapped presents and expectations too.
Name and address withheld

Into the chasm

I can still see myself standing there. I remember it so clearly after more than five decades. I was 16, in the middle of my O-levels. I heard raised voices downstairs, so I came out of my room and peered over the banisters. In the hall below my father was crying. I had never seen him cry. My strong, glamorous father crying?
My mother was saying, “Just go.” 
And he went. As easily as that. He never said goodbye. 
This was catastrophic, a chasm opened beneath my feet. Eight months later I stopped eating and had a nervous breakdown. He came to see me in hospital but it was stiff and awkward. Our relationship never recovered and I often blamed my mother. Years later when I was fully recovered and married, we would invite him for meals but he never came. He never knew my children and I am sorry for that. They are too.  
I have worked with children for many years and am often told by separating parents,  “But it’s fine, the children are OK about it.” I wonder, really? Or are they still numb with shock and gazing into the chasm? 
Carol Norris

Cakes were a clue

I was 13 when Dad tried to tell me he was leaving Mum for another woman. He asked me if I knew who had been making the fruit cakes we had been eating over the last few months and I guessed correctly. Dad was impressed. “You’re very astute, kid,” he said.
In reality, I was totally confused.
“There comes a time when a working man needs his shirt ironed and a plate of food on the table,” he said.
He also said other, more emotional things that made his voice falter. I felt very important (my 11-year-old sister wasn’t the chosen confidante), but unsettled. Was Dad – a welder and a formidable force – wiping away a tear? I certainly didn’t understand what he was trying to say, even though, at this point, he had already moved out of our caravan and into the barn.
My parents’ separation and divorce were never discussed; it was the physical distance between Mum and Dad that defined their parting. First they sat at opposite ends of the table, not talking. Then Dad lived in the barn, and later a caravan in the farthest field of the farm. He eventually moved into a house an hour’s train journey away with the woman who made the fruit cake. Mum later sold the land and bought a home 300 miles north.
 My parents were apart after 13 years together; yet their mutual respect and love for each other grew deeper, right up to Mum’s death this year. 
Karen Lindsay

Don’t tell your brother

When my mum and I left home 45 years ago, I was 11. She said one day, “We’re leaving your dad. Don’t tell anyone, not even your little brother. Just put any toys and books you really want to take in a pile over there.” I didn’t have a clue what was going on – 45 years ago, divorce was uncommon and no one I knew had divorced parents.
A few days later, she told me to let my teacher know she would be picking me up from school in the morning for a dental appointment. She collected me, leaving my little brother at school, and we went. She’d left a note on the kitchen table saying she was leaving and had made arrangements for my brother to be collected from school.
And that was it. We never had the big talk about how it wasn’t my fault and Mummy and Daddy both still loved us, let alone why she’d just taken me and not both of us.
She had arranged to stay with an old school friend, where we slept on camp beds for a couple of months. I don’t remember ever missing my dad, but I missed my little brother so much that first night.
Martin Murray

Source:-  http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/sep/20/when-parents-split-up-divorce-readers-stories

Friday 17 October 2014

How Do I Tell My Wife I’m in Love with Someone Else?


I am 33 years old and have been with my wife for 11 years and married for almost 8. We have one son who is 5. Our marriage has been failing since our son was born, and he has become the only thing holding us together … our sex life has become nonexistent, “once a month” if I’m lucky. We have very little in common anymore, and our home feels more like a roommate situation, not a loving family. About a year ago I met someone at work who I have no doubt is my true soul-mate, we connect on every level. She makes me feel and see beauty in life that i haven’t felt or seen in years, if ever. I’ve never truly felt this way with my wife. We have been on dates and spend as much time together as possible, we have however not been intimate, out of respect for my situation. But the sexual energy is absolutely there. I don’t know what to do from here … we could try counseling, but even if we did I wouldn’t have the connection I have with the person from work!!! Please help me, any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.
A: Your question addresses a fairly common situation these days. I’m sure you are aware that the majority of marriages end in divorce and a high percentage of those involve some form of infidelity, whether it is emotional or physical. Many marriages that fail do so after a major life change, such as having children, going through a significant loss or some other crisis. It is difficult to keep the excitement and romance in a relationship when we are busy and stressed in other areas of our life.
However, falling into the trap of chasing what is “out there” rather than fixing what is “right here” happens too often in my opinion. I have worked with lots of folks who thought they had found their soulmate outside of their marriage, only to find out later that it was the excitement and chase that created the magic. Affairs keep you in the almost addictive state of infatuation that we all crave, but, more often than not, that feeling fades once you are doing laundry and taking out the trash with the new love.
My advice is to try counseling before you really decide to leave your marriage. You owe that to your wife, your son and yourself. Even if the counseling becomes more about how to leave the marriage creating the least amount of damage, it will be worth it. If in the end you still decide to leave, you will have a free conscience knowing that you tried everything. I feel this is especially important when children are involved. Not to mention, that therapists can help navigate shared parenting issues and offer suggestions to help your son through the transitions.
I hope you find happiness and wish you the best of luck.
Dr. Holly Counts

Source:-  http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2014/03/29/how-do-i-tell-my-wife-im-in-love-with-someone-else/

Thursday 16 October 2014

How to Get a Quick and Easy Divorce


  • How quickly a party can get divorced will first depend upon his or her state’s waiting period, or the amount of time the state requires a person filing for divorce to wait until the Court will grant the divorce. Some states have no waiting period, while others have waiting periods of up to two years. To determine what the waiting period in your state is, check the ‘effective waiting period for no-fault divorce’ column for your state on this chart provided by Americans for Divorce Reform. The amount of time it takes a couple to divorce also depends on how quickly the parties can complete the procedure for divorce. To get the quickest and easiest divorce you can, follow the steps below

Steps

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    Reach an agreement with your spouse on all issues. In order to get a quick and easy divorce in any state, you will need to be in agreement with your spouse on all issues. This includes:
    • Property Distribution. You will need to decide who gets every piece of personal and real property that you, your spouse, or the two of you own. This includes, but is not limited to household goods furnishings, bank and investment accounts, vehicles, and real estate.
    • Division of Debt. Debt should be divided between you and spouse according to each party’s ability to pay the debt, who incurred the debt, and how much property each party is receiving.
    • Alimony or Spousal Support. If you or your spouse has been out of the workforce in order to raise children, take care of a family member, or because of a disability, alimony, or spousal support, may be warranted. Be careful when agreeing to pay alimony or spousal support, however, as you may not be able to modify that agreement later [1]
    • Child Custody and Parenting Time, or Visitation. If you have children, you will need to decide which party the children will live with (the custodial parent) and how often and when the children will visit with the other party (the non-custodial parent). Most states have what are called Parenting Time Guidelines, which spell out all the times the non-custodial parent should have parenting time, or visitation, with the children. Check with your Court Clerk for a copy of your state’s Parenting Time Guidelines if you are having difficulty reaching an agreement on the issue.
    • Child Support. All states have laws, which presume that the non-custodial parent should pay child support to the custodial parent. To determine how much child support should be paid in your situation, check your state’s website for a child support worksheet or calculator. You can locate your state’s website by following the appropriate link from the Internal Revenue Service’s (“IRS”) State Government Websites page.
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    Locate the proper forms. Many states offer state approved forms for uncontested or agreed divorces. Other states do not, so you may have to spend some time and possibly some money to obtain the correct forms. To locate the proper forms:
    • Visit your state’s website by following the appropriate link from the Internal Revenue Service’s (“IRS”) State Government Websites page.
    • Use your favorite search engine to search “YOUR STATE divorce forms”. For example, if you lived in Texas, you would search “Texas divorce forms”.
    • Check with your County Clerk’s Office. Find it online using your favorite search engine, call, or stop in and ask if forms are available and where you might get a copy.
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    Complete the forms. Follow all of the instructions that came with your forms. If you did not get instructions, try to answer every question as completely as possible, while remaining brief. Always type or print in black ink when filling out Court forms. If you need help, check with the Court Clerk and/or local bar association to see if your jurisdiction offers free or low cost assistance to pro-se parties.
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    File the forms with the proper Court. Your forms should be filed in the county in which you or the other party resides. Check with the Court Clerk’s Office if you are unsure which Court in your County handles divorces. You will need more than one copy of each form as well as filing fee, so call the Clerk’s office first, to find out how many copies of each document you should bring, what the filing will be, and what forms of payment are accepted.
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    Attend any necessary hearings. Uncontested or agreed divorces generally do not require the parties to appear in Court, but some jurisdictions may conduct a brief hearing. Be sure to attend any hearings the Court schedules and bring any documentation it requests. Whenever appearing in Court, you should:
    • Arrive on time. You should know exactly how long it takes you to get to the Courthouse, park the car, and walk to the Courtroom, and then allow yourself extra time for traffic and other things that might delay you.
    • Dress conservatively. Gentlemen, put on a suit and tie, and ladies, break out your favorite long skirt or dress and best high cut blouse and jacket. You should also avoid wearing too much jewelry.
    • Show respect. Address the Judge as “Judge” or “Your Honor”, do not interrupt other people when they are speaking, and stand when you address the Court.
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    Complete any necessary classes, courses, and/or tests. Many states have parenting classes and education courses that some or all divorcing parents are required to take before a divorce will be granted. Check with the County Clerk, the Court, or an attorney, to determine if there are any instructional courses, you need to take in order to have your divorced granted.
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    Obtain and file all remaining forms. As soon as your waiting period is over, you may file your Final Decree or Decree of Dissolution (whatever your state calls it) along with any remaining documents your Court requires. If you are unsure what you need to file besides the final decree, check the instructions that came with your form, or with the Clerk of Courts.
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    Wait for your Decree. Once the Judge signs your Final Decree, the Court will mail you a certified copy of the Decree or a notice telling you the Decree is ready for you to pick up. If you do not receive anything from the Court within two weeks of filing your final documents and/or attending your final hearing, call the Court to inquire.
Warnings
Online services offering quick, cheap, no hearing divorces may not be credible sources of information or services. 
You should check with an attorney before doing anything that may affect your legal rights and obligations.
Related wikiHows

Sources and Citations

  1.  http://scholar.google.com/scholar_case?case=4776477667450406195&q=31-11-3&hl=en&as_sdt=800004
Source:-  http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Quick-and-Easy-Divorce