Is Your Marriage Headed for Divorce?

Is Your Marriage Headed for Divorce?

It stinks. It just really stinks. Your marriage is a continual nightmare. It's

not that there's physical abuse or screaming matches. It's just that you

resent your partner. You feel they tricked you. They faked who they

truly were while you were dating. And as the years go by, you all

drifted apart. There are a lot more bad times than good. The kids

know you and mom don't really like each other and they use that

against you. You haven't had sex, at least the way it's supposed to be,

in ages. You find yourself wishing you were with other women.

You know you probably shouldn't divorce, but it seems like if you

don't, you'll never be happy. You feel trapped. What do you do?

If the above describes you, then this online course is for you. There's

only one requirement - you have to be totally honest with yourself.

You have to quit assuming she's the only one to blame. You have to

admit you may need some help. And you might be the first one who

needs to change. It won't be easy. But nothing ever worth having

ever is.  Of course every situation is unique. These lessons focus on

what you can do as a man. They cannot change the motivations or

reactions by your wife. Not all of these lessons may apply to you

nor will this course guarantee that your marriage won't end in divorce.

But it can be a start. At the end of this lesson you'll be able to e-mail

us for further help - including a network of counselors available to you.

Let's get started.

Lesson 1.-Divorce is not an option

The first step in avoiding a divorce is not making it an option for you.

Sounds simple enough, eh? There's so much in the world pulling at

you to separate from a spouse who isn't making you happy. Divorce

lawyers plaster their billboards all over the highway. Many television

shows trivialize marriage and commitment.

Friends are nudging you to put away the hag and get on with your life.

Yet deep down, you know divorce can't be right...at least in most

cases. But you don't feel you have the inner strength to keep going.

Well, you do with God's help. And here's some encouraging news.

Recent studies have shown that out of the couples who were

contemplating divorce and then decided not to go through with

it, 80% stated that they were "happily married" five years later.

80%! That's awesome. In other words, most couples who are

approaching the brink of separation but commit not to do it work

through the issues and become happier and closer.

So here's step one: divorce should never come into your mind as

a solution. You should never bring up the subject of divorce with

your spouse. Your kids should never fear that you and mom will

separate. Instead your attitude should be "whatever it takes."

And that starts with you, the man. Pledge yourself to do

what's necessary to revitalize your marriage and make that

a commitment that comes before work. Before friends.

Before football. We've got tools to help you do it. But

you've got to have the resolve. And commitment.

Lesson 2 - Admit You're Wrong Too

When's the last time you had a heart-to-heart conversation

with your spouse that didn't erupt in arguing or you walking

away feeling frustrated? It's been a while, hasn't it? Well

the first step in saving your marriage is rebuilding that 

communication. And this may take some time. You need to

go to your wife, hat in hand, and apologize for the things

you've done to distance yourself from her.

Write down your sins beforehand and give them some

thought. You don't have to take the entire blame. But

'fess up, and be specific, about what you have done wrong.

Say it with humility and tact. Don't expect her to necessarily

start apologizing for her mistakes right away. Tell her you're

committed to her and will do whatever is necessary to get

things right. Tell her you love her. This can be very hard if

 you don't feel like loving her at all. But remember, love is a

commitment, not a feeling. Ask her if she'll forgive you and

if you all can start the process of healing.

If you're really ticked off that I suggested all this, you

probably have identified a major source of marital problems

- male pride. You know how very few men admit when

they're wrong? We're so prideful! And, as the Bible says,

pride comes before the fall. Pride destroys. You may feel

you're only responsible for 25% of the marital problems,

but it's that 25% you can admit to your wife in areas 

you've failed.

You know a great thing about most women? They're really

compassionate. You may think somehow that compassion

gene skipped your wife, but most of them have it in there

somewhere. It's just been buried under a mountain of

resentment. But once you're man enough to admit your

mistakes, her compassion can well up and overflow on to

your relationship. Do you have any idea how much women

love and admire men who can admit their mistakes? You

will be amazed at how such a simple principle will revitalize

your marriage.  So are you man enough to admit your

mistakes to your wife? Are you willing to be vulnerable

with her? If not, the outlook on your marriage is not good.

If you're willing to be the first and fastest to admit when

you've sinned, your marriage can blossom. The choice is

yours.

Lesson 3 - Start Being Romantic Again

Ok, now that you've admitted your part in hurting the

marriage relationship, what's next? Love her in word

and deeds. Your wife may be shell-shocked that

you actually admitted you're wrong sometimes and

may not know what to say!  So start telling her you

love her. Call her periodically throughout the day. Pick

her up a card on the way home. In other words,

START DOING WHAT YOU DID FOR HER

WHILE YOU WERE DATING! You know why it

was so good back then? Because you put in so much

more effort. Granted, so did she, but as the man,

you've got to take the initiative to put romance back

into your marriage.

What's so great about romance? Well it goes straight

into the heart of your wife.  Women are wired to be

romantic. Men are wired to be sexual. Let's be honest,

the reason most of us were romantic while dating is

because we knew some day we could get great sex.

And you know how powerful your drive for sex is.

Well your wife is driven by a similar power, but it's

romance. If your sex life stinks now and seems

sporadic, unimaginative and boring, your wife not

only thinks that about the sex, but more about the

romance. Are you being romantic and creative?

Or is it just a ritualistic Valentine's Day card?

Women are romantic. They want to be romanced.

If you want to meet her where she's at, you've got to

improve in this area. You may not understand it. You

don't have to. Just do it.

Lesson 4 - Repair the Bridges

Now we're making some progress. You've admitted

your faults and have started being romantic. Now she's

cracking and beginning to express more warmth to you.

You all are starting to have real conversations again.

You've broken the ice. You're on your way to a happier

marriage!

The communication lines are open - now it's time to repair

some bridges. Take turns sharing the areas of frustration

each of you have. The other person should just listen

and not object. That will be hard. It goes against our

nature again - pride. Find out areas of disagreements

and work out solutions to them. Pepper each other

with encouragement and compliments. Tell her she's

beautiful. Talk about some fun things you can do

together. Tell her she's beautiful. Share some good

memories. Tell her she's beautiful.  Get the point?

You don't have to pretend problems aren't there in the

marriage.  You just have to put yourself in the right

position to address those problems. By being apologetic

for your mistakes and being romantic, your wife is much

more able to listen. It may take a while, but you can be

confident it can happen.

When you start to talk about problem areas, use "when

you, I feel" statements.  Don't hammer her and tell her

she's dumb about money and stinks at driving.  Instead

say something like: "When you spend a lot of money

without asking me, I feel you're putting our family at

greater financial risk." Then let her respond.  Have her

do the same with you. The point is not to attack the

person but attack the problem. Clothe yourself with

humility. And just tackle a few problems at a time.

It can be quite overwhelming to fix all the problems

that have built up over years of resentment.

Lesson 5 - Spend Time Together

After you've admitted your shortcomings, been

romantic, and tackled problems, it's time to spend

more time together. And it won't be so hard

because you will actually enjoy it now. Plan

scheduled time to do shared activities. Maybe it's

Saturday morning yard work or Thursday night

dinner. Turn off the tube and go out and do

something! Volunteering at a church or charity will

do wonders for your marriage.

If you look over your marriage and think about

how you all might have been headed for divorce,

you probably realize you all drifted apart, not

sprinted apart.  Spouses lose the romance and fire

of love because they don't have time to rekindle

it. And it could be for seemingly valid reasons.

The kids need to be picked up at soccer practice.

Clients need to be taken to the airport. We live in

a time-consuming society. There's something

always pressing. And if you just plan to give your

spouse the "left-overs" in time, you both will be

feeling left out.

You have to be deliberate.  Granted your kids

take up a lot of your free time. But you need to

have specific,  "wife-only" time that nothing gets

in the way of. Drop the kids off at a parent's or

friend's house and take off for the weekend.

As much as you love your kids, you've only got

them in the house for 18 years. You have your

wife for the rest of your life. Your relationship

with your wife comes first, before the kids.

And your relationship with your kids will grow

stronger when they see your marriage growing

stronger. The best thing you can do for your 

children is passionately loving their mother.

Also, set aside specific times for devotions

and prayer. God has joined you and your wife

together. He is the Author of love and marital

harmony. Deepening your relationship with

Him is the key and foundation of a successful

marriage. If you haven't cracked open a Bible

in a while, start. Find I Corinthians 13 and give

it a read. It's the perfect blueprint for your

marriage.

Lesson 6 - Conclusion

Your marriage will always have problems. But

the difference is how couples handle the problems.

For healthy marriages, problems can actually bring

couples closer together in the end because they've

worked through them together. You can save your

marriage. You can be one of the 80% By admitting

your faults, being romantic, sharing problems and

spending time together, you can become a happier

and healthier couple. But it starts with you. And it

starts today. What are you waiting for? 

Go talk to your wife.

Source:- http://www.extension.iastate.edu/linn/sites/www.extension.iastate.edu/

files/linn/isyourmarriageheadedfordivorce146.pdf