5 Things That Made My Divorce 'Almost Fun'

Image Source via Getty Images

If there's ever a time you need a little distraction in your life, it's during the divorce process. That's why we launched our Divorce Care Package series. With each post, we'll show you what things -- books, movies, recipes -- helped others relieve stress in the midst of divorce, in the hopes that a few of their picks will serve you well, too. Want to share what got you through your divorce? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com or tweet @HuffPost Divorce

It's a bold claim, but clinical psychologist Barbara Greenberg says she found ways to make the divorce experience "almost fun."

"Did I just say fun?" she joked. "I guess I did. Throughout the divorce year I held tight to the hope that life would improve and become more vibrant as the days passed."

Below, the HuffPost blogger shares five things that reassured her life was still good during her divorce.

The Food

• Digital Vision. via Getty Images
  "Every Friday night I would get Chinese food and then engage in my stealth operation to get over my ex. What did it involve? I would go get a stack of gossip magazines and go home and read them until I could no longer keep my eyes open. Oh, the pleasure of escapism!"
• The Distraction
• Justin Case via Getty Images
  "I worked out like it was nobody's business and I bought lots of cool clothes. Hey, if I was going to take such good care of my body I should dress it nicely, right?"
• The Song
  
  Cindy Lauper - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by mattmarti
  "I loved dancing in my own private and joyous way to Cyndi Lauper's 'Girls Just Want To Have Fun.' Hey, who doesn't dance and sing privately to get through the rough times? It was so upbeat. By the way, I would be horrified if any of the neighbors saw me doing my little exuberant dance."
• The Splurge
• Barbara Greenberg
  "I splurged all right but not to the point where it destroyed my budget. You see, my friend owns a jewelry store where she sells fabulous costume jewelry. At least once a month I would purchase all sorts of baubles like funky earrings, unusual necklaces and assorted other statement pieces. It was so much fun, I think I'll keep doing it for a long time. I love to wear jewelry that makes wonderful jingly sounds as you move around. You should try it."
• The Saying
  Canva
  "My daughter Amanda bought me a magnet with the saying 'Whatever you can imagine is real.' That sweet girl always seems to get things right. Every single day I looked at that saying and imagined a brighter and happier life. And, yes now I am living it."

Source:- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/10/how-to-get-over-divorce_n_6291382.html

5 Lessons From A Twenty-Something Divorcée

I remember the conversation well. I'd been separated from my ex-husband for about six months when a friend called with news that another friend was also ending her marriage. "She said something to me that I wanted to get your opinion on," my friend said. "She said that now that she's been through one divorce, it would be easier to go through a second. Is that how it really feels?"

"No," I told my dear friend. "I would never, ever want to go through that again. I can't imagine it ever being anything than the hardest thing you'll ever do."

Now, nearly 18 months removed from our split, I'm grateful for the experience. Not for the failure of our marriage -- because with that comes shame and sadness that you can bury but that never really goes away -- but for what going through a divorce taught me about life and about myself. Whether you've ended a marriage too or gone through a heart-wrenching breakup, perhaps you've also learned these lessons. And if not, let's hope you can learn them vicariously through me rather than through self-experience.

1. I am so strong. 
I used to know that without question. Then, little by little -- so little, in fact, I didn't even notice it -- I lost some of that strength. I was so unhappy, so lost. I looked to my then-husband to make everything right, which is too large of a burden for anyone to bear, let alone a person who no longer wishes to be married to you. So when I was faced with the idea of loading my tiny Toyota Yaris with my clothing, my books, a computer, a TV, the vacuum, and an iron -- sans ironing board -- I was convinced I might die on the 17-hour drive home to Ohio. I thought the loss, the pain, would literally kill me. Not only did I live, but in the next 18 months, I flourished. It's true that the things that don't kill you make you stronger. And sometimes it takes pushing yourself to the edge of what you think you can bear to realize you are strong enough to pick up, move on, and live well.

2. My family and friends do know best. 
My family and friends never really liked my ex. They tolerated him, at best, and were kind enough to (mostly) keep their mouths shut. But any time I asked their opinion, they confessed their concerns. And for my part, I ignored them. I was living a 17-hour drive from my hometown -- what could they possibly know about this man? I reasoned. I was a smart, independent woman. I could tell a dud from a Prince Charming, and I clearly had the latter. Only I didn't. And while I was swept away by insincere words, promises, and cheesy gestures, my friends and family saw down to a selfish, cruel core. The next time they get a "feeling" about a man I bring home, I will listen with open ears and an open heart.

3. Love never really dies. 
It changes. It morphs into something less, something that can't sustain a lifetime or even an hour together. But it never goes away in its entirety. Now, I can't imagine spending my life with my ex. We would have destroyed each other and taken away each other's happiness. But because that little bit of love is still there, I genuinely want him to be happy. I would be completely, totally, bald-faced lying if I wrote that I don't get a little pleasure out of the odd things he gets himself into. (I recently heard, through a friend, that his credit card bears an image of himself -- alone! -- on it, and a waitress swiping the card called him narcissistic. I got a very good laugh out of that.) But I hope, at the end of the day, he has all he needs met and is satisfied with life.

4. The only way you can live with yourself is without regrets. 
It makes me sad when people say they regret their relationships and experiences. Do I wish I could introduce myself as a 28-year-old, soon to be 29, who isn't divorced? Duh. Yes. But I do not regret my marriage, the love I once felt for my husband, the person it made me, and how it prepared me for my next relationship. Of course, there is a part of me that feels like I wasted time on a relationship that ended up crumbling, but as long as I'm happy now -- which I am, so very much -- how could I possibly regret the steps that brought me here? No matter what you face, you should let it create a better, bolder you.

5. Someone else will see me for what I'm worth. 
At about the time I was packing my things to leave, my bra size happened to change -- and it coincided with a semi-annual sale at Victoria's Secret. So I stocked up on bras that would fit and a single corset that was just shy of $25 on sale online -- so pretty, so inexpensive for that retailer that I literally couldn't resist. When the package arrived and I pulled out each item from the box, my then-husband walked into the bedroom. He spotted the black, lacy lingerie and blurted out, "Who exactly do you think will see you in that?" I had no clue. But I also had hope that one day, someone would. And that man might see me for a kind, adventurous, generous woman -- who looked darn hot in that lacy little corset. My ex couldn't see any of that, because he was blinded by all the negative emotions that accompany divorce. But I am so glad I didn't listen to his words and instead chose to believe there would be someone better down the road. Turns out, I was right.

Source:- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glamour/divorce-lessons-_b_6374662.html

The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In

Sheilah O’Donnel tells herself that her new home, a townhouse in a development in Chevy Chase, Md., just a stone’s throw from a Safeway, isn’t really all that bad. Sure, it’s near a gas station. And the front window, with its cheerily upholstered cushions, overlooks a dreary parking lot. And yes, it’s kind of small — “an apartment,” O’Donnel, who is 44, sometimes says bitterly, when she’s reminded of her former life with her ex-husband in their custom-built, six-bedroom home. But then again, it’s perfectly maintained and impeccably furnished, and most important, it’s rented with her own money, from the first real job she has had in almost a decade.

From the Archive

Lisa Belkin's 2003 Article on the Opt-Out Revolution »

It’s a midlevel sales job, a big step down from the senior position she held before she had children and quit work. When she was first hired, in May 2011, her salary was just a fifth of what she earned at her peak. But, she said, she wasn’t complaining. All around her, she saw women her age scrambling to find work, some divorcing and losing their homes. She liked to help them, editing their résumés, polishing cover letters, pumping up tearful friends who forgot what they were worth after years without a paycheck.

After one emotional session with a friend, her 12-year-old daughter asked what all the fuss was about. O’Donnel told her: “This is the perfect reason why you need to work. You don’t have to make a million dollars. You don’t have to have a wealthy lifestyle. You just always have to be able to at least earn enough so you can support yourself.”

Nine years ago, O’Donnel was promoting a very different message. She was a spokeswoman of sorts for a group of women — highly educated, very accomplished, well-paid professionals with high-earning spouses — who in the early 2000s made headlines for leaving the work force just when they were hitting their stride. They were a small demographic to be sure (another, larger, group who left the work force at that time — poor mothers who couldn’t afford child care — went without notice), but they garnered a great deal of media attention.

No, There Are No "Benefits" To Being The Other Woman

Photo Courtesy of WeHeartIt

“I’ve heard that relationships with married men are the most fulfilling,” a single woman said in response to a married man’s claim that all married men eventually consider an affair. I grumbled and rolled my eyes, so she asked, 

“Have you ever dated a married man, Stephanie?”

Her question took me right back to the first day of that relationship. 

I was singing along to the car radio when I realized my turn was approaching, and I would need to swiftly change lanes to make it. At the red light, I glanced over to the driver on my left, hoping to make eye contact and convey my intentions. He smiled back and sent sparks straight out of his eyes and into my belly, igniting the fluttery wings of 45 butterflies.

I returned a flirty smile and gestured my intention to move into his lane. As the light turned green, he paused to allow me in front of him and then moved into the lane I had exited. At the next red light, we shared smiles, and sparks, again. I made my turn, and waved goodbye.

I parked at my destination, a couple of blocks down, and slowly climbed out of my car, hopeful the gorgeous human would find his way to me. I spotted his black SUV driving toward me, and walked up to him as he pulled up curbside.

“My how swiftly one becomes a stalker,” I teased through his rolled down passenger side window, his sun-kissed handsome face smiling back at me. We chatted for an hour, making us late for our next appointments, and bid farewell by making a date to get together the next day.

The romance whirled around us each time we met for coffee.

He was smart, successful, handsome, and charming. He thought I was amazing and spared no compliment currency. He was as perfect as men come, if not for one exception: he was married. But he was on the brink of divorce, he explained. He was still living in the house, but in a separate room and was actively searching for his own place.

I wanted to share the relationship with my friends; I hoped to go out in public without worry that someone might see us who hadn’t been caught up to the reality he was living. For the time being, we needed to keep our connection to ourselves.

He’s worth it, I told myself. He’s worth waiting for.

Our feelings had grown stronger, and he even admitted he was falling in love with me. We both agreed we hadn’t felt such magnetism toward anyone in a long time, if ever.

Several weeks into the relationship, I was home, stirring taco meat as I made dinner for my children, when the phone rang. 

“What kind of a woman are you, what kind of mother are you?” the woman on the other end asked coldly.

The heat of my heartbeat surged through my body and burned, along with her words, into my ears. 

“I’m sorry, who is this?” I asked. 

It was my secret beau’s wife. They were still working on the marriage, she said, and weren’t anywhere near the end . . . and it certainly wasn’t helping that some jezebel was in the picture, trying to tempt him away from his wife and children.

As though I had fallen into a hornet’s nest, her words buzzed from all directions, each delivered with a thud and a sting.

Why hadn’t he warned me? I was his sweetheart. A woman like no other, a beautiful light in his every day. And he couldn’t even send me a quick text about life hitting the fan and an angry wife trying to send me into anaphylactic shock with her words?

I’ll never forget the many ways she chose to question my character that day.

But I listened as she became sick with her emotions. I wasn’t an intentional home wrecker, I said, enraging her even more. The scent of burning, popping taco meat brought me back into the moment around me: my children had gathered in the fringes of the kitchen, their big, batting eyes full of concern. 

“I’m really sorry about this, but I need to go,” I said.

“I just want to know why,” she demanded. 

“I think that is a question you need to work out with your husband,” I replied.

I wanted to share all of the things he had said about the demise of their marriage, but I realized I had already become far too entrenched and it was time to get out. Regardless of what Mr. Amazing had shared, I had chosen to step into the muddy water of their marriage.

The moment I hung up the phone was pivotal in my life. I will never forget her voice, her pain. I had always prided myself on having an outstanding moral compass, and I’m ashamed I allowed selfishness and temptation to spill over and hurt others. I take my role as a member of the Sorority of Sisterhood seriously and, with each day, as I hear and share the stories of women, as I represent the women in my region as the editor of a woman’s magazine, and as I blog on the adventures in womanhood, that commitment to you has never been clearer.

I have vowed, without question, to never entertain a relationship with someone who doesn’t have miles of distance between us and his last committed relationship. I vow, without question, to honor the bonds of womanhood.

You have my word. Do I have yours?

Source:- http://www.xojane.com/sex/no-there-are-no-benefits-to-being-the-other-woman

How To Keep Your Divorce From Breaking The Bank

We’ve all heard the horror stories about how expensive divorce is. Unbelievably, divorce doesn’t have to lead to bankruptcy or a negative bank balance. It can be done inexpensively if you don’t rush through the process and make bad decisions. So, do some constructive planning and be sure not to make any of the following mistakes.

Difficulty: Average

Time Required: Depends on how motivated you are.

Here's How:

1. Keep your expectations realistic.
   Expect money to be tight. Don’t go into divorce thinking you are going to be able to maintain your present lifestyle. Unless you are fairly wealthy you should plan ahead because there will definitely be less money to live on. And don't assume that you will receive alimony. Spousal support and alimony are quickly becoming a thing of the past.
2. Keep the lines of communication open.
   If you have a spouse you can trust then be willing to share needed information with him/her. Don’t hold back with your attorney either. If you aren’t willing to communicate the issues it will only cost you more money because your attorney will then have to do more work. Attorneys bill by the hour and they aren’t cheap.
3. Don’t let it turn into a War of The Roses.
   Nothing drains emotions and finances like a long, drawn out divorce battle. Be willing to negotiate and do not make it about getting all you can get. Remember, equitable, does not mean equal. You may have to settle for less than you want to save money in the long run.

1. Stay focused on the here and now.
   Keeping your focus on the job at hand will mean keeping a handle on the financial implication of any decisions you makes. It will keep you from making the mistake of accepting a depreciable asset over an asset that won’t. In other words, the Volvo worth $38,000 may seem attractive but the mutual fund worth $38,000 will be of more benefit in the future.
2. Always consider implications to taxes.
   Figure in the tax cost of every financial decision you make. For instance, who will benefit more from claiming your child, you or your spouse? Or, what are the capital gains on real estate property and how much will that cost at tax time?
3. Don’t overlook anything.
   Make sure you have information on everything that will affect your financial future. Make a list of all assets, have copies of statements from all bank accounts, investment funds and pension plans. Get your information together ahead of time so you won’t have to waste time at the last minute.
4. Get rid of those joint accounts.
   Mingled finances means trouble in the future if your ex spouse defaults on a loan payment, goes bankrupt or becomes disabled. Cut or minimize joint accounts you have with your spouse before the divorce. It might be too late afterwards.
5. Think about the effort and expense of a new career.
   If you gave up a career to stay at home with the children, it probably won’t be easy to get back into the work force. Especially if you are leaving a long – term marriage. So, take into consideration what it will cost to become marketable in today’s work force when negotiating a settlement.

Source:- http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/canyouaffordtodivorce/ht/breakbank.htm

Life After Divorce

I am not a believer but this is a really caring and honest way to describe what happens to you and what a great service is on offer for you to talk to someone who has only your wellbeing at heart.
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You don’t have to do this alone. We’re here for you. Talk to a mentor today.

Divorce is a great loss and a crisis which has a huge impact the lives of everyone involved. If you have experienced, or are experiencing divorce, my heart goes out to you. I know about divorce. My parents were divorced when I was 12 years old. It was painful. It was destabilizing for my whole family.

In my years of counseling I have heard many divorcees voice the same concerns. Many express their feelings of loss, betrayal and confusion.  This isn’t the way the story is supposed to end. For many divorcees the question becomes, “now what?”  Divorce is not the end of the road.  It isn’t easy, and it often is not what we would have chosen, but there are still choices you can make as you deal with this new situation.

“I am so tired of feeling the way I do”

Divorce is painful.  There is nothing that will quickly take the pain away, it is something that has to be worked through. If you are experiencing divorce, you are dealing with grief, with rejection, with having your heart broken. Taking away the pain would make you miss out on the growing process which is so necessary to bring about real healing. And you might risk getting into a rebound relationship.

This is the time to work on yourself and personal growth and stabilizing your life. The grief you feel is real – is normal and is a process that will eventually help – yes, help – your heart to heal. It’s ok to give yourself time to work through this. You don’t have to crumble underneath the weight of this transition. You can learn to grieve and grow.

“I still loved him and prayed his heart would change.”

It is normal to feel that you still love your spouse because you gave your heart away and committed yourself to your husband. You took vows to love him or her until death do you part. Unfortunately, he didn’t keep up his end of the contract. He broke it. You can’t make him change his mind and you wouldn’t want to force him to change his mind.

When you really think about it – you want someone to “freely choose to love you for yourself.” Because “love freely given” is real love. Real love has to come from the person’s heart and volition. Rejection and betrayal are painful. But, would you want him back because he felt pressured to come back to you? No. In fact, what you rejoiced in when you were first married is that this special person “freely chose you and loved you”. As much as you might want to, you can’t make him love you.

“I feel betrayed and rejected.”

The first issue is feeling rejected. Your ex-spouse’s rejection does not change who you are and how valuable you are as a person. The rejection is a choice he made – that choice does not determine your worth. You are still a person uniquely made – someone with purpose, talents, opinions and who can be used to make a difference in the world.

The rejection you feel will cause you to feel angry. You will need to work through the anger and the resentment. Anger will help motivate you to work on improving your life – but, it can cause you to fall into the trap of bitterness.

“Nothing I do seems right anymore…my life feels like a mess.”

80% of your energy is used processing your emotions. That is why you feel confused and why you feel troubled and question yourself. Your self-esteem has been affected greatly. To top everything off – you feel cut off from people because friendships change when a marriage breaks up. You lose some of your “couple” friends. You feel left out and isolated. You feel depressed because of the divorce and the depression makes you want to isolate yourself. There can be employment and financial difficulties.

I encourage you to fight the depression which is at the core and causes you to tell yourself –‘I am not worth anything, my life is meaningless, nobody cares about me – I may as well give up.’

Start making choices which will keep you going and growing in the right direction. You need to make choices which will keep you working through the grief to get on with life after divorce.

What are the choices you can start making?

1. Get counseling and support. Find a counselor in the AACC directory. Find a Divorce Care support group.
2. Begin to journal your grief and feelings.
3. Start a job search if employment or finances are an issue. Get some help with your resume from someone you know who has some expertise in this area. Get some career guidance from www.crown.org
4. Begin to make one goal a week which will help your life improve. Exercise regularly. Eat nutritiously.
5. Accept that life will be a challenge. But, look at the challenges as opportunities to grow in faith and in character and in new skills.
6. Accept the reality that you are divorced. Read how to make the best of your life after divorce with books like Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke.

You are dealing with various issues here: The reality of the death of your marriage, the loss of your spouse, the rejection and betrayal, a broken life and dreams.  This is huge! This is hard! But, let me stop to say – that this crisis is one you can get through to the other side. This loss is one in which God can bring hope and in which you can become strong in the brokenness.

There is no way that I know to work through the pain of divorce quickly. You would miss the process of character development, the ways God will answer your prayers each day, the way hope and strength will grow slowly back into your life. This will build a stronger foundation in your life and in your spirit.  You can discover new blessings, new treasures, and even a new you – if you determine to make an effort each day. God bless you!

source:- http://powertochange.com/discover/sex-love/lifedivorce/

How Live Chat Can Help You Deal With Relationship Problems

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How Do I Move On After Divorce?

The end of a relationship is always a difficult time. No matter who ended it or when, the future can look bleak and frightening. But life does continue and many thousands of people go on to have happy and fulfilling lives after divorce.

There are many things you'll need to focus on during this difficult time and at times it may feel overwhelming. But as well as that, you need to focus on yourself as an individual, deciding what you need to do to help you let go of the past and look forward to the future

Like most people, you're likely to experience a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days you may feel hopeful and maybe even relieved if your marriage had been difficult for a long time. On other days you may feel sad, angry, confused and anxious.

Understanding what went wrong

This is an important step towards recovery. Many people get locked into questioning: Whose fault it is? What did I do wrong? How could they do that to me? Unfortunately, all this kind of questioning does is lock you into the blame game which creates more bitterness and heartache.

It can sometimes be more helpful to focus on what the relationship was lacking and how the relationship failed to meet your or your partner's needs, rather than blaming yourselves as individuals. Though the answers may be upsetting, the greater the understanding, the easier it will be to let go of the past and move on.

Look after yourself

Over the coming weeks and months you need to really focus on looking after yourself. The end of a relationship can damage self esteem and self confidence. The following tips will help you to get through this difficult time and face the future with hope.

• Keep talking - talking is the best way to prevent isolation and help maintain perspective. You're not alone and sharing your heartaches and victories with a trusted friend, family member or neighbour will help to carry you along.
• Let yourself grieve - it's normal to feel shock when a relationship finally comes to an end and it can take time for the reality of this to settle in. You'll have good days and bad days - give yourself time.
• Let go of anger. Many people feel stuck with their anger. They either feel angry at themselves or angry at their partner. Holding on to this anger maintains an emotional connection between you and your ex and slows up your ability to move on. Make time to relax. Whether you prefer reading a book, going for a walk, soaking in the bath, going for a run or gardening - it really doesn't matter. Just as long as you give your body time to de-stress. And remember, laughter is the best medicine so make sure you make time to see friends and have some fun too.
• Set small goals - when times are feeling really tough it may feel as if you're getting nowhere. Setting yourself small achievable goals not only boosts feel good chemicals, but also boosts your confidence. Whether it's getting a chore out of the way, going out for the evening or starting a new project at work, it will help you to see and know that you're moving on.
• Look after your health. Make sure you take regular exercise and maintain a healthy diet. Unfortunately comfort eating is more likely to make you depressed than cheer you up.
• Plan ahead - write down a list of all the things you're going to do when you get through this. When you have bad days, you can use this list to remind yourself that you still have a future ahead of you.
• Get help - if each day seems to be getting harder rather than better, then you may find it helpful to make an appointment to see a Relate counsellor. There are details of your local centre on this website. Relate also runs a one day workshop for people coming out of a long-term relationship.

How we can help

Thousands of people come to Relate every year for help with separation and divorce. We help all sorts of people in all sorts of situations, and we can help you.

Find out more:

• Help with separation and divorce
• Visit What next? - the parents' guide to separation
• Try a free Live Chat session - it's an online text-based chat service and you'll speak in confidence to a trained counsellor who can help you to understand what to expect from Relationship Counselling
• Find your nearest Relate and book an appointment
• Call our national phone line on 0300 100 1234

Useful links

• Sorting out separation web app
• Wikivorce

source:- http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-separation-and-divorce/separation-and-divorce-common-problems/how-do-i-move-after-divorce