Saturday, 6 September 2014

How To Deal With Depression After Divorce: 5 Actionable Tips

In my profession as a divorce coach, I work with people experiencing situational depression all the time. The biggest difference between situational depression and clinical depression is that situational depression is caused by a loss like death or divorce.
Most people going through divorce experience some degree of situational depression as part of the normal grieving process over all the losses the end of the marriage brings.
If not dealt with appropriately, situational depression can linger for much longer than it needs to. I don’t want that to happen to you.
Because I want you to recover from your divorce depression as quickly as possible, here are my top 5 tips for how to deal with depression that’s triggered by the loss of your marriage.

Friday, 5 September 2014

How Much Money Will You Spend on Your Divorce?

Man putting money in his shirt pocket
Peter Dazeley/Photographer's Choice/Getty Images




Question: How Much Money Will You Spend on Your Divorce?
Answer:
I've been asked this question on many occasions. It is one of the first things a person wonders when considering divorce. How much is it going to cost me to get a divorce? The first thing anyone considering divorce should know is that divorce is about dollars and cents. Once the legal divorce process is set in motion, the emotional aspects of the divorce take a backseat to attorney fees and court costs.
Both spouses normally pay their own legal and court costs upfront. You can have your attorney request that your spouse be responsible for all or a portion of those fees and costs. In some situations, it is commonplace for a judge to order one spouse to pay the legal costs of the other spouse.
For example, if you have been a stay at home mom and your husband files for divorce, your husband is in a better position financially and would suffer less financially if he paid all or a portion costs related to the divorce. Who pays the costs associated with the divorce will also depend on who has the best attorney. A great reason to not skimp when hiring an attorney.


Below are some issues that will determine the cost of a divorce:
Whether your divorce is adversarial or collaborative.  The more you and your spouse are able to agree on the less you will spend on attorneys, legal fees and court costs. If it is at all possible to discuss and come to terms on such issues as child supportchild custody,division of marital property you should do so. It will mean saving the major portion of the expenses incurred during a divorce.

How much you pay in attorney fees. It is always in your best interest to hire an experienced attorney who is willing to fight for your legal rights. If you get lucky, you will find one willing to do this without charging outrageous fees. Most though are quite expensive but worth the money in my opinion.
If you and your spouse battle over custody of the children. In a custody battle you may incur fees related to psychiatric evaluations. If the court appoints a Guardian Ad Litem, you will have that expense. Your attorney may want to call expert witness, which will be an added expense. Not to mention that a custody battle means more work for your attorney who will probably be billing you by the hour.
How many marital assets and debts there are to deal with.  If there has been an accumulation of large amounts of marital property and debts your attorney may want to hire a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, a real estate appraiser or pension funds expert. That is all added expense that you will be expected to help pay for.
The legal strategy of your attorney and your spouse’s attorney.  If you or your spouse hire an attorney who believes the only way to win in divorce is to become aggressive or adversarial you are going to end up paying for their attitude. Just keep in mind that you have final control over how your attorney handles your divorce case. It is always your right to fire your attorney and move on to one who is willing to fight for your legal rights in a reasonable manner.
In the end, it is up to you and your spouse how much your divorce will cost. You can work together and try to settle all major issues outside the courtroom or, you can leave it up to the attorneys and judge and pay the expense of not being able to put your difference aside and save some money.

Thursday, 4 September 2014

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Get Married: This Is A Big Deal, But Now It’s Time To Move On

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie get married: This is a big deal, but now it’s time to move onMore Options











Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married on Saturday. If it
was 2006, this would be very big news.
Yet here we are in 2014, and the headlines still flew
around the world when a spokesman for the superstar
couple confirmed to the AP that Pitt and Jolie were married
at Chateau Miraval in France over the weekend. It was a
private ceremony with family and close friends only, with
their kids serving in the wedding party. (Maddox, 13, and
Pax, 10, walked Jolie down the aisle; Zahara, 9, and
Vivienne, 6, were flower girls; Shiloh, 8, and Knox, 6,
were the ring bearers, the AP reports.)
It’s anti-climactic, in a way, at least for all the tabloids
who have been reporting this was happening for
years — and then it never did. This low-key news,
released on a Thursday morning by a wire service,
is like a practical joke to all the magazines wishing
for an exclusive.
Okay, so it’s done — and that’s actually a relief.
Because even though the Pitt-Jolie relationship
is one of the more epic Hollywood stories in
recent decades, a marriage should conclude this
era of madness. To fully appreciate why this is
such a huge milestone in celebrity culture, let’s
take a brief journey back in time and remember
how the international sensation known as
Brangelina all began.
See video  http://wapo.st/1pM4rMU


It started in 2004, when “Friends” wrapped up its
final season starring Jennifer Aniston, who was
happily married to the world’s leading man, Pitt.
From the outside, it looked so perfect. It was just
a year after Jolie had split from husband Billy Bob
Thornton, a favorite couple among the tabloids
because they wore vials of of each other’s blood
around their necks. Anyway, 2004 was when Pitt
filmed “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” co-starring Jolie.
They met and fell in love, though they wouldn’t
confirm that until a few years later.
Aniston and Pitt divorced in spring 2005, and
shortly after, Jolie and Pitt were photographed
playing on the beach in Kenya with Jolie’s son,
Maddox. It’s not an exaggeration to say this
truly rocked the celebrity world, one incredibly
beautiful person leaving another incredibly
beautiful person for yet another incredibly
beautiful person. The possible infidelity angle
was irresistible. Neither of them ever
commented on their relationship, but that
didn’t stop the press from obsessing over
every time they were photographed together.
The “Brangelina” nickname took hold and
never let go — it upended Ben Affleck and
Jennifer Lopez’s “Bennifer” as the combined
celeb name of our time. Right around then,
though, support for #TeamAniston was
growing (even in a time before hashtags),
especially when Jolie and Pitt took part in
a W magazine photoshoot posing as a happy
family — before the Pitt-Aniston divorce was
even official. That led to Aniston’s famous
quote to Vanity Fair about Pitt, saying,
“There’s a sensitivity chip that’s missing.” 
That summer, Jolie denied any wrongdoing
during a “Today” show interview: “To be
intimate with a married man, when my own
father cheated on my mother, is not
something I could forgive,” she said. “I could
not look at myself in the morning if I did that.
I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who would
cheat on his wife.”
Then in the winter of 2006, Pitt moved to
legally adopt Jolie’s children, Maddox and
Zahara. A month later, they finally confirmed
what everyone knew. Indeed, they were
dating, and oh, Jolie was pregnant with Pitt’s
baby. If the story was huge before that, it was
absolutely nothing compared to what happened
when little Shiloh Jolie-Pitt came into the world
in May. Jolie gave birth at a hospital in Namibia
to escape the press. Later, they sold the first
pictures of Shiloh for reportedly $4.1 million to
People magazine, and another $3.5 million to
the British papers, donating it all to charity.
Fascination with the family only grew with their
number of children: In subsequent years, the
couple adopted Pax from Vietnam, and then
Jolie gave birth to twins, Knox and Vivienne,
in 2008. The Jolie-Pitts and their brood made
headlines as they traveled the world for various
film projects and charity work. There was an
endless supply of the group all boarding and
exiting planes together, which gave the media
lots of time to speculate on their fashion choices.
The “love triangle” angle flared up again in 2008,
when Jolie told the New York Times that she was
looking forward to their kids seeing “Mr. and Mrs.
Smith,” explaining, “Not a lot of people get to see
a movie where their parents fell in love.” That was
considered a slap in the face to Aniston, and
contradicted everything they said about not getting
together until the Pitt-Aniston marriage was over.
Meanwhile, Jolie and Pitt continued to gain interest
in their relationship by simply never getting married.
Pitt said multiple times they wouldn’t tie the knot
until gay marriage was legal everywhere. Still, they
decided to get engaged in 2012, and kept the press
at bay by simply saying their wedding would be
“soon.”
And now, their actual marriage should really put
a cap on this crazy story — what’s left to say? Even
though Aniston still to this day can’t escape the
“poor scorned Jen” angle in every tabloid story
(though she’s engaged to Justin Theroux), it
seems like this is the natural conclusion.
They’re married. The mystery is gone. Put away
the “Team Jen” t-shirts. It’s time to wish the
Brangelina scandal era an official farewell and
let everyone (finally!) move on with their lives.

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Is Your Mate Hot and Crazy?

Is Your Mate Hot and Crazy?

Will men put up with insanity for looks?

 The “Hot/Crazy Matrix” is the latest YouTube sensation, with over 5 million hits and coverage on all the cable television talk shows for the last month. Dana McLendon III, a divorce lawyer and elected city alderman in Franklin, Tenn., produced  a video based on the the idea first uttered by the fictional character Barney Stinson on the "How I Met Your Mother" sitcom on CBS. McLendon has cleverly repackaged it, claiming it that tells the viewer “what you need to know about how to deal with women and how to analyze the situation that you may be in or want to be in.” According to McLendon's theory of female human behavior there is a  “crazy axis” and a “hot axis,” with “hot” measured from zero to ten and “crazy” starting at 4, because “there’s no such thing as a woman who’s not at least a four crazy."

Sadly, the Hot/Crazy Matrix does describe the dating behavior of many American men.There is no real discernment involved. American men are entertaining any woman who reaches their standard of physical beauty and charm as a potential mate. Instead of using the courtship process to sort through candidates to determine compatibility and shared interests, many American men look to any woman who meets their basic standard and will pursue her to become their wife or cohabitant. They are making life determining decisions based on a look, a laugh or the sparkle in a woman's eyes. They worry about silly things like compatibility later.

In a fraction of marriages and cohabitations, men and women practicing this insane courtship cheat the hangman and, through dumb luck, match up with someone of compatible personalities, similar interests, values and goals. Reading about those did find a modicum of happiness despite this Hot/Crazy style of courtship is like reading about state lottery winners. More likely are the marriages that fall back on the old patriarchal marriage notions of separate roles for each partner working toward perpetuation of the family unit for economic success and perpetuation of the family by procreation. Otherwise there is no reason for marriages based of "hotness" to last longer than the honeymoon. When the sexual mystery becomes old and the passion cools, many practicioners of the Hot/Crazy Matrix suddenly discover that the "crazy" factor of day to day compatibility trumps looks. 

Source:- http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/repairing-relationships/201409/is-your-mate-hot-and-crazy

Monday, 1 September 2014

Whose Fault Is It?

This is a really good article.  Read, Digest and act upon it!

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Whose Fault Is It? 

 As a child, my parents always tried to blame the other person. They always tried to make the other parent the bad guy and as a child, this was really confusing to me. After years of trying to figure out which of them was truly at blame, I finally realized “it was 50/50.” That gave them both equal responsibility for all the chaos. This realization as a young adult was probably one of my most important. It gave me a lot of freedom. Now I did not have to waste any more energy trying to figure out who was right/wrong or good/bad. What the heck was the point anyway?Shannon Rios Paulsen
What good does it truly do anyone? I believe that subscribing to the 50/50 philosophy in relationships provides freedom. If you believe this, no one gets to be a victim. I truly believe there are no long-term true victims.
We are only victims of our choice not to be responsible for our lives. Even in the case of infidelity, there were still two people in the relationship. There may have even been some warning signs. In my aunt’s case, she had asked her husband numerous times to attend counseling and he would not. She then had an affair. Was the end of the relationship both of their faults? I believe it was. They both played a role in the demise an affair is a symptom, not a cause and encourage parents not to blame the divorce on the affair. I want to be clear, I am not saying that affairs are OK, but usually, if you look deeply, both parties had some role in not nurturing the relationship in healthy ways.
The bottom line on all of this is that you chose the other person you were in a relationship with for some reason. It is time now to choose to be responsible for your half of the successes and failures. It does not mean you are a failure, just that the relationship between the two of you was not successful on some level.  You can learn from this and the learning you get, can make this a success.  I firmly believe that. 
Relationships take work on the part of both people. Taking responsibility is a road to freedom. It frees us from victimhood, which can keep us seriously stuck. If you are stuck, look at why you may be choosing to stay stuck. If you are still not co-parenting well after years of separation and/or divorce, please take a look at yourself and ask why you are doing this.
Your choosing to stay stuck in this anger and pain can be so detrimental to your children. Your child will do as well as you do. When you are upset, it causes stress for your child. When you are stuck in your anger and sadness, you are not available for your child. Your child needs your love and attention. If they don’t get it, they will act out or suffer in some way. If you are exhibiting this type of stuck behavior, your child will be acting out in some way. If they are not acting out now, your child will probably be feeling internal pain that will manifest in some form later in their life.
You have either chosen the divorce or it was chosen for you. Realize that in some way you had a role in the choice. You do not have to blame yourself, just take responsibility. Make a choice now to let the anger go and choose a new life for yourself and your child. You deserve this. The path to freedom is to move into the future.  Choose to move into the freedom you deserve. From this place you will be able to step onto the road that will lead you to happiness and fulfillment in your life, if that is what you want.
If you don’t want it for you, please, I ask you to want it for your children. You will assist them in having a life of happiness and fulfillment. You will then be being the best possible parent for your child of divorce. This is the greatest gift you can give to your child. 

Source:- http://www.mediate.com/articles/RiosPS2.cfm