Was It The Chocolate Pudding

WAS IT THE CHOCOLATE PUDDING: A STORY FOR LITTLE KIDS
ABOUT DIVORCE by SANDRA LEVINS (A Review)


When it comes to children of divorce, one thing that has changed in recent years is 
the number of books available for and about children of divorce. In many ways, 
this is a step in the right direction, but with more availability comes more need for 
discernment about good vs. bad resources.  At Divorce Ministry 4 Kids, we are 
committed to helping you to sort out the good from the bad. With that in mind, we 
continue review these resources to give you our thoughts and opinions.

Introduction

I have been looking forward to reading this book since I first heard about it. Let’s face 
it, the title and cover art are catchy. Plus, as someone who works with kids, I can 
almost imagine a child, in a timid voice, asking “Was it the chocolate pudding?” So, I was curious to see how chocolate pudding relates to divorce and hopeful that I could add another book to my list of recommended reading for children experiencing their parents’ divorce. Was It the Chocolate Pudding?: A Story for Little Kids about Divorce was written by Sandra Levins and Illustrated by Bryan Langdo. It was published in 2006 by Magination Press and addresses a serious concern for many children of divorce – whether or not they did something that caused the divorce of their parents. Check out this review, and make sure to read our interview with Sandra Levins at the end of this article.

Post-Divorce Parenting Mistakes and Strategies

Post-Divorce Parenting Mistakes and Strategies



The divorce rate in the United States is estimated by some statisticians to be close to 50 percent. What this means is that millions of parents in America and their children are wrestling with significant problems and needs.

Post-divorce parenting is fraught with danger, danger that you will inadvertently do damage on top of what the divorce has already done. To help you recognize mistakes you may be making and to avoid mistakes you're prone to make, Dr. Phil lists some of the biggest and most frequent mistakes those in your situation typically make:

Sabotaging your child's relationship with the other parent.

Using your child as a pawn to "get back at" or hurt your ex.

Using your child to gain information or to manipulate and influence your ex.

Transferring hurt feelings and frustrations toward your ex onto your child. (You may be particularly prone to this if your child bears physical or behavioral resemblances to your ex.)

Forcing your child to choose a side when there's a conflict in scheduling or another planning challenge.

Turning family events attended by both divorced parents into pressure cookers. Events that call for sensitivity include birthdays, holidays, school programs, extracurricular activities and performances.

Depending too much on your children for companionship and support because you're hurt and lonely and have adopted a siege mentality: "It's us against the world." This isn't a healthy position for either you or your child to adopt.

Treating your child like an adult because you're lonely or just want help. It is inappropriate to give your child an adult job. 

Becoming so emotionally needy that your child develops feelings of guilt if he or she spends time or even wants to spend time with your ex, friends, grandparents or others.

Converting guilt over the divorce into overindulgence when it comes to satisfying your child's material desires.

Besides making a commitment to avoid these mistakes, you should affirmatively commit to a family and parenting strategy that will help your child flourish in a divorced home. Key components of such a strategy include:

Commit to learn, adopt and apply all the principles set forth in Family First. The philosophies, tools and strategies described in this book are critical to having a healthy, happy family and raising successful, authentic children, whether or not both parents live in the home.

Sit down with your ex and make an affirmative plan that sets aside any differences you may have and focuses instead on meeting the needs of your children. 

Agree with your ex that you absolutely won't disparage each other to your children. Further, forbid your children to speak disrespectfully about the other parent, even though it may be music to your ears.

Negotiate and agree on how you can best handle such things as handing off the children for visitation, holidays, or events. In the interest of your children's peace and security, it's up to you to act maturely and without selfishness.

Agree on boundaries and behavioral guidelines for raising your children so that there's consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they're with at any given time. 

With regard to extended family members, negotiate and agree on the role they'll play and the access they'll be granted while your child is in each other's charge. The extended family plays a very important role in the lives of children.

Communicate actively with your ex about all aspects of your child's development. Both parents should know about any and all positive or negative events in the child's developmental journey. 

Recognize that children are prone to testing a situation and manipulating boundaries and guidelines, especially if there's a chance to get something they may not ordinarily be able to obtain. It's important that you and your ex compare notes before jumping to conclusions or condemning one another about what may have happened.

Although it may be emotionally painful, make sure that you and your ex keep each other informed about changes in your life circumstances so that the child is never, ever the primary source of information.

Commit to conducting yourself with emotional integrity. If you and your ex have agreed to a plan, stick to it. Say what you mean; mean what you say. 

Source:- http://drphil.com/articles/article/242

Changing your name upon divorce

You can revert to your maiden name or change your name to a completely different one.......


This is an article by UK Deed Poll Service.  You can read it here:- http://tiny.cc/1zgwbx


 Upon divorce, many women decide to revert to their maiden name.  This can be accomplished:

• by Deed Poll, or
• by using their decree absolute and marriage certificate.

It is sometimes possible for a divorced woman to revert to her maiden name without the need for a Deed Poll if her decree absolute certificate and marriage certificate (which shows her maiden name) are accepted as documentary evidence of her change of name.  Upon presentation of these certificates most government departments and many companies and organisations will change their records to show the woman's maiden name.  However, many companies and organisations will not accept a decree absolute, in particular the financial institutions such as banks and building societies.

Please note, your marriage certificate may not need to be produced to government departments, companies and organisations that knew you before you were married - because they should still have your maiden name on file.

If your decree absolute and marriage certificate are not accepted as documentary evidence, then a Deed Poll will be required to change your name. With a Deed Poll, everyone will recognise your change of name without question.  Of course, should you wish to change to a new name entirely or also make any alterations to your first or middle names, a Deed Poll will always be required.

Changing your name by Deed Poll is quick and simple and you can read a summary of the Deed Poll process by clicking on this link.  Remember, when changing your name by Deed Poll, you can also take the opportunity to make other changes to your name.  For example, you may wish to change your first name or add, change or remove middle names.

If you have children, you may also wish to change their surname by Deed Poll to your new surname or to a double-barrelled surname (your surname together with your ex-husband's surname). However, to change a child's name, the consent of everyone with parental responsibility is required.  If your ex-husband is your children's father, then he will have parental responsibility and his consent will be required for any name change.  Please read our page Can I change my child's name? for further information about parental responsibility and consent requirements.

With regard to your title, it is up to you whether you continue using Mrs or change your title to Miss or Ms.  If you wish to change your title when you change your name, you will see a section on our Deed Poll application form where you can tell us what new title you want so we can incorporate a declaration on your Deed Poll that changes your title.

If you are currently separated and contemplating divorce or are in the process of getting divorced, please click here to read our page about your name change rights upon separation.

Obtaining a copy of your decree absolute
If you have lost your decree absolute (and you were divorced in England or Wales), contact the Principal Registry of the Family Division, Decree Absolute Section, First Avenue House, 42-49 High Holborn, London, WC1V 6NP (Tel: 020 7947 7017).  For a fee, they will access a union index to the registered court copies of decrees absolute for you, and either provide a certified copy of the information themselves (if the divorce was granted by the Supreme Court) or arrange for a certified copy to be sent to you from the relevant county court.  If the divorce took place within the last 5 years, you can also contact the county court where it took place for a cheaper service.

Obtaining a copy of your marriage certificate
You can obtain a certified copy of your marriage certificate by calling the General Register Office for England and Wales on 0845 6037788 8am to 8pm Monday to Friday, 9am to 4pm Saturday.

So would YOU remarry your ex?

 These women all did. And, no matter how bitter the split had been, they found that love was much sweeter the second time

• One in four divorcees regrets their split, according to new research
• These three 'boomerang couples' rekindled the spark years later

According to counselling service Relate, one in four divorcees regrets their split. But would you remarry your ex? For some, the very idea will seem impossible — but for others it is a secret longing they can hardly admit even to themselves.

Here, we meet three ‘boomerang couples’, who divorced then married again. Their stories will surprise — and enchant — you.

Victoria Craig, 66, runs a knitwear company and lives with her husband Nicholas, 67, a retired solicitor, in Corbridge, Northumberland. The couple, who have three grown-up sons, first wed in November 1972. They split in May 1995 and divorced in 1999. But in August this year they remarried.

So happy: Victoria and Nicholas Craig divorced in 1999 but remarried in August, delighted to grow old together

Victoria says

My second marriage to Nicholas could not be more different from our first. Our relationship is deeper, we are much more appreciative of one another and we never take each other for granted.

I think we both realise how lucky we are to be given this second chance.

I was 22 and Nicholas was 23 when we first met at a friend’s wedding in 1969. I was working in the House of Commons as a research assistant and Nicholas was training to be a solicitor.

He was dark-haired, with twinkling eyes. He had such a clever way with words and he made me laugh. That night at the wedding, we talked until the early hours, and a couple of weeks later he rang to ask me out.

When I was 25 and Nicholas proposed, I had no doubts that he was ‘the one’. We married four months later. As the day approached, I became incredibly nervous as it was a very formal ‘society’ wedding held at my parents’ mansion in Wiltshire with 300 guests.

We moved to Northumberland 18 months later so Nicholas could take over the family business after his father died. It was exciting setting up home together, and there was no sign of the unhappiness to come.

When we were together we argued and there were interminable silences. I began to feel there must be more to life.

Our first son, Richard, was born in 1976 and Edward came a year later. George was born five years after that. We had a very happy but busy life with a huge six-bedroom house, complete with ten acres, as well my own business.

But around 12 years into our 23-year marriage, we began to grow apart. Nicholas was very busy with his business, which involved a lot of travel to the Far East. Without Skype or emails it was hard to keep in touch, and I had no family nearby or a nanny to help, so I felt a little abandoned.

We were both young, and rather than try to support one another — as we would do now — we both just felt unhappy. When we were together, we argued, and there were also the interminable silences. I began to feel there must be more to life.

Eventually, in January 1995, I packed a bag and just left, moving into a rented cottage nearby.

Nicholas was shocked — I don’t think he realised how unhappy I was. He wanted to try again, but by then the children were either at boarding school or university and my mind was made up. It became pretty acrimonious because he wouldn’t accept that I wasn’t coming back.

Following our divorce in 1999, we only spoke through lawyers.

In the meantime, I married again. But this marriage ended after just 18 months when I discovered he was having an affair.

I was utterly shattered to find myself with two failed marriages. It made me realise the grass is not always greener, and for the first time I wondered if I’d been happier with Nicholas than I’d realised.

The big day: They married in 1972 in their 20s at home in Northumberland.
 But 20 years later Victoria left

It wasn’t until 2002, when my twin sister Eugenie fell seriously ill with progressive supranuclear palsy — the neurological disease that killed actor Dudley Moore—  that Nicholas and I got back together.

Seeing me struggling, Edward had taken it upon himself to ring Nicholas and ask him to help support me.

Nicholas took me out to lunch in a pub, and although it was at least seven years since I’d spoken to him, there was no awkwardness.

It was a huge relief to have him back in my life. He’d never met anyone else and was happy to be a shoulder to cry on. When I’d been with Eugenie all day, he’d be there waiting with a meal at the end of it. She died in 2007 and he was my absolute rock as I grieved.

I saw a caring side to Nicholas I hadn't seen when we were younger. Age had mellowed him. He was my absolute rock as I grieved for my sister.

A year later, Nicholas had a knee operation and I nursed him. As our lives became more entwined, it was like old times.

Then I broke my leg and it seemed easier for me to move in with him so that he could nurse me. I saw a caring side to Nicholas I hadn’t seen when we were younger. Age had mellowed him, and moving back in with him felt like coming home for good.

My husband is very conventional and traditional and kept saying we should marry again — but I worried that it might spoil the new relationship we had together.

But then, in July this year, he had a mini-stroke. Visiting him in hospital, seeing him so vulnerable and realising that I could lose him again, I suddenly knew how much I loved him and said I would.

Our second wedding at Hexham register office was wonderful — a really close family affair with our sons and some close friends.

After everything, those vows took on a special extra resonance.

Today, it is wonderful to know we are growing older together — and it’s a bonus visiting our sons and grandchildren as a couple.

Nicholas says

When Victoria left me, I was devastated. I thought we’d built this wonderful life together and we had three gorgeous sons.

Thought we'd built this wonderful life together. But I realised I'd spent most of our marriage working and not giving her enough attention.

I felt angry with her when she married again. But I realised I’d spent most of our marriage working and not giving her enough attention.

I threw myself into my work even more, filling up my spare time with the children. In hindsight, I am probably just a one-woman man because I simply never had a serious relationship with anyone else.

But I never thought we’d ever manage to overcome what had happened and get back together.

Nevertheless, when our son Edward rang to tell me about her sister’s illness, I was delighted to help. We never actually dated, but our relationship gradually developed as we got to know one another again.

Now, like Victoria, I feel just so incredibly thankful that we have rediscovered one another.

This article is by Alison Smith Squire and you can read more of it here:- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2501656/Would-YOU-remarry-ex-These-women-love-sweeter-second-time.html

How to Avoid Getting a Divorce

Your marriage looks like its over and your spouse has told you s/he wants a divorce. Perhaps s/he's even moved out. Maybe s/he's even having an affair. How do you stop fighting? How do you get him/her to change his/her mind and stay?

Steps

1. 
   1
   Act confident. Your spouse fell in love with a happy and balanced person whose world lit up every time s/he walked into the room. It's understandable you're unhappy that s/he's pulling away from you, but the more you cling, need, and desperately try to hang on, the more unhappy you are (since it's obvious by now that s/he's leaving you), and the less and less you are the person s/he once fell in love with. Be honest with yourself: Would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's been acting the way you have been acting lately? If you're friendly,attentive, and fun to be around, s/he will want to be around you. S/he will start to gravitate (slowly but surely) back to you. Try to be confident, but not arrogant, even if it is difficult for you.
   
2. 2
   Empathize with your partner. Cater to their emotional needs first, then the material ones. Does you partner want to empty the bank account and buy a sports car? Say "I agree, it would be great fun to buy a flashy car. Let's go to the auto show this weekend, pretend we're filthy rich, and go for some test drives." Notice how you bypassed (for the time being) emptying the bank account and instead focused on his(her) feelings. This brings you closer together. Does your partner say you don't do enough chores around the house? Say "Yes, I agree, I don't do any where near as much work around the house as you do. I understand how upset that must make you feel at times." Notice how you bypassed (for the time being) actually doing the chores, and instead focused on her(his) feelings.
3. 
   3
   Address the physical and material needs and desires after establishing a common ground. If you've gone to the car show and had a great time, speak to each other if your partner wants to spend money you don't have. If you begin to argue and your partner says "You never care about what I want!", turn away from the spending issue and speak with them about how you want them to be happy, and that's why you married them in the first place, but that in the long run, neither of you will profit from being in debt. Let them know that you would like to make them feel loved and appreciated in a different, more sensible way.
4. 
   4
   Talk to your partner about your future. It does not help to pretend there is no problem. That will not make it disappear. Make time to speak with your partner openly. Prepare yourself for being emotionally vulnerable and lay it all on the table.Communicate your feelings and your willingness to acknowledge theirs. If you love them and want them to give you a chance and stay with you, tell them that. Offer to have counseling sessions or anything else you (or they) think might help you.
5. 
   5
   Be honest and ask for honesty in return. Tell your partner that even if they are not in love with you at the moment, the least you owe each other is respect. Respect means being honest to each other. If you want to know and you think you can handle it emotionally, ask them whether they are having an affair. Before you ask, think about how you will respond to the possible answers. If they are having an affair, tell them how much that hurts you, even if it feels counterintuitive. Tell them that you care about fidelity and that you vowed to be faithful to each other. Ask them to end their affair if you want to rebuild a strong bond with each other.
6. 
   6
   Be open to change. Agree to make changes in your routines or interaction if you feel it will help. Make clear that you will try your best, but it might take you some time to get used to them. Then really try your best and show that you are sincere. Ask the same in return.
7. 
   7
   Make up your mind to let it go if none of the above helps. If your partner is having an affair and unwilling to give it up, don't stay. You can only save your marriage together. If your partner simply does not want to, there is not much you can do, but you owe it to them and your relationship to genuinely try before throwing in the towel.

Source:- http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Getting-a-Divorce