How To Keep Your Divorce From Breaking The Bank

We’ve all heard the horror stories about how expensive divorce is. Unbelievably, divorce doesn’t have to lead to bankruptcy or a negative bank balance. It can be done inexpensively if you don’t rush through the process and make bad decisions. So, do some constructive planning and be sure not to make any of the following mistakes.

Difficulty: Average

Time Required: Depends on how motivated you are.

Here's How:

1. Keep your expectations realistic.
   Expect money to be tight. Don’t go into divorce thinking you are going to be able to maintain your present lifestyle. Unless you are fairly wealthy you should plan ahead because there will definitely be less money to live on. And don't assume that you will receive alimony. Spousal support and alimony are quickly becoming a thing of the past.
2. Keep the lines of communication open.
   If you have a spouse you can trust then be willing to share needed information with him/her. Don’t hold back with your attorney either. If you aren’t willing to communicate the issues it will only cost you more money because your attorney will then have to do more work. Attorneys bill by the hour and they aren’t cheap.
3. Don’t let it turn into a War of The Roses.
   Nothing drains emotions and finances like a long, drawn out divorce battle. Be willing to negotiate and do not make it about getting all you can get. Remember, equitable, does not mean equal. You may have to settle for less than you want to save money in the long run.

1. Stay focused on the here and now.
   Keeping your focus on the job at hand will mean keeping a handle on the financial implication of any decisions you makes. It will keep you from making the mistake of accepting a depreciable asset over an asset that won’t. In other words, the Volvo worth $38,000 may seem attractive but the mutual fund worth $38,000 will be of more benefit in the future.
2. Always consider implications to taxes.
   Figure in the tax cost of every financial decision you make. For instance, who will benefit more from claiming your child, you or your spouse? Or, what are the capital gains on real estate property and how much will that cost at tax time?
3. Don’t overlook anything.
   Make sure you have information on everything that will affect your financial future. Make a list of all assets, have copies of statements from all bank accounts, investment funds and pension plans. Get your information together ahead of time so you won’t have to waste time at the last minute.
4. Get rid of those joint accounts.
   Mingled finances means trouble in the future if your ex spouse defaults on a loan payment, goes bankrupt or becomes disabled. Cut or minimize joint accounts you have with your spouse before the divorce. It might be too late afterwards.
5. Think about the effort and expense of a new career.
   If you gave up a career to stay at home with the children, it probably won’t be easy to get back into the work force. Especially if you are leaving a long – term marriage. So, take into consideration what it will cost to become marketable in today’s work force when negotiating a settlement.

Source:- http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/canyouaffordtodivorce/ht/breakbank.htm

Life After Divorce

I am not a believer but this is a really caring and honest way to describe what happens to you and what a great service is on offer for you to talk to someone who has only your wellbeing at heart.
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You don’t have to do this alone. We’re here for you. Talk to a mentor today.

Divorce is a great loss and a crisis which has a huge impact the lives of everyone involved. If you have experienced, or are experiencing divorce, my heart goes out to you. I know about divorce. My parents were divorced when I was 12 years old. It was painful. It was destabilizing for my whole family.

In my years of counseling I have heard many divorcees voice the same concerns. Many express their feelings of loss, betrayal and confusion.  This isn’t the way the story is supposed to end. For many divorcees the question becomes, “now what?”  Divorce is not the end of the road.  It isn’t easy, and it often is not what we would have chosen, but there are still choices you can make as you deal with this new situation.

“I am so tired of feeling the way I do”

Divorce is painful.  There is nothing that will quickly take the pain away, it is something that has to be worked through. If you are experiencing divorce, you are dealing with grief, with rejection, with having your heart broken. Taking away the pain would make you miss out on the growing process which is so necessary to bring about real healing. And you might risk getting into a rebound relationship.

This is the time to work on yourself and personal growth and stabilizing your life. The grief you feel is real – is normal and is a process that will eventually help – yes, help – your heart to heal. It’s ok to give yourself time to work through this. You don’t have to crumble underneath the weight of this transition. You can learn to grieve and grow.

“I still loved him and prayed his heart would change.”

It is normal to feel that you still love your spouse because you gave your heart away and committed yourself to your husband. You took vows to love him or her until death do you part. Unfortunately, he didn’t keep up his end of the contract. He broke it. You can’t make him change his mind and you wouldn’t want to force him to change his mind.

When you really think about it – you want someone to “freely choose to love you for yourself.” Because “love freely given” is real love. Real love has to come from the person’s heart and volition. Rejection and betrayal are painful. But, would you want him back because he felt pressured to come back to you? No. In fact, what you rejoiced in when you were first married is that this special person “freely chose you and loved you”. As much as you might want to, you can’t make him love you.

“I feel betrayed and rejected.”

The first issue is feeling rejected. Your ex-spouse’s rejection does not change who you are and how valuable you are as a person. The rejection is a choice he made – that choice does not determine your worth. You are still a person uniquely made – someone with purpose, talents, opinions and who can be used to make a difference in the world.

The rejection you feel will cause you to feel angry. You will need to work through the anger and the resentment. Anger will help motivate you to work on improving your life – but, it can cause you to fall into the trap of bitterness.

“Nothing I do seems right anymore…my life feels like a mess.”

80% of your energy is used processing your emotions. That is why you feel confused and why you feel troubled and question yourself. Your self-esteem has been affected greatly. To top everything off – you feel cut off from people because friendships change when a marriage breaks up. You lose some of your “couple” friends. You feel left out and isolated. You feel depressed because of the divorce and the depression makes you want to isolate yourself. There can be employment and financial difficulties.

I encourage you to fight the depression which is at the core and causes you to tell yourself –‘I am not worth anything, my life is meaningless, nobody cares about me – I may as well give up.’

Start making choices which will keep you going and growing in the right direction. You need to make choices which will keep you working through the grief to get on with life after divorce.

What are the choices you can start making?

1. Get counseling and support. Find a counselor in the AACC directory. Find a Divorce Care support group.
2. Begin to journal your grief and feelings.
3. Start a job search if employment or finances are an issue. Get some help with your resume from someone you know who has some expertise in this area. Get some career guidance from www.crown.org
4. Begin to make one goal a week which will help your life improve. Exercise regularly. Eat nutritiously.
5. Accept that life will be a challenge. But, look at the challenges as opportunities to grow in faith and in character and in new skills.
6. Accept the reality that you are divorced. Read how to make the best of your life after divorce with books like Growing Through Divorce by Jim Smoke.

You are dealing with various issues here: The reality of the death of your marriage, the loss of your spouse, the rejection and betrayal, a broken life and dreams.  This is huge! This is hard! But, let me stop to say – that this crisis is one you can get through to the other side. This loss is one in which God can bring hope and in which you can become strong in the brokenness.

There is no way that I know to work through the pain of divorce quickly. You would miss the process of character development, the ways God will answer your prayers each day, the way hope and strength will grow slowly back into your life. This will build a stronger foundation in your life and in your spirit.  You can discover new blessings, new treasures, and even a new you – if you determine to make an effort each day. God bless you!

source:- http://powertochange.com/discover/sex-love/lifedivorce/

How Live Chat Can Help You Deal With Relationship Problems

Our Live Chat service allows you to speak to a trained counsellor for free. Counsellors Yvette and Liz explain how it works - and how it can help with a whole range of relationship issues. 

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How Do I Move On After Divorce?

The end of a relationship is always a difficult time. No matter who ended it or when, the future can look bleak and frightening. But life does continue and many thousands of people go on to have happy and fulfilling lives after divorce.

There are many things you'll need to focus on during this difficult time and at times it may feel overwhelming. But as well as that, you need to focus on yourself as an individual, deciding what you need to do to help you let go of the past and look forward to the future

Like most people, you're likely to experience a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days you may feel hopeful and maybe even relieved if your marriage had been difficult for a long time. On other days you may feel sad, angry, confused and anxious.

Understanding what went wrong

This is an important step towards recovery. Many people get locked into questioning: Whose fault it is? What did I do wrong? How could they do that to me? Unfortunately, all this kind of questioning does is lock you into the blame game which creates more bitterness and heartache.

It can sometimes be more helpful to focus on what the relationship was lacking and how the relationship failed to meet your or your partner's needs, rather than blaming yourselves as individuals. Though the answers may be upsetting, the greater the understanding, the easier it will be to let go of the past and move on.

Look after yourself

Over the coming weeks and months you need to really focus on looking after yourself. The end of a relationship can damage self esteem and self confidence. The following tips will help you to get through this difficult time and face the future with hope.

• Keep talking - talking is the best way to prevent isolation and help maintain perspective. You're not alone and sharing your heartaches and victories with a trusted friend, family member or neighbour will help to carry you along.
• Let yourself grieve - it's normal to feel shock when a relationship finally comes to an end and it can take time for the reality of this to settle in. You'll have good days and bad days - give yourself time.
• Let go of anger. Many people feel stuck with their anger. They either feel angry at themselves or angry at their partner. Holding on to this anger maintains an emotional connection between you and your ex and slows up your ability to move on. Make time to relax. Whether you prefer reading a book, going for a walk, soaking in the bath, going for a run or gardening - it really doesn't matter. Just as long as you give your body time to de-stress. And remember, laughter is the best medicine so make sure you make time to see friends and have some fun too.
• Set small goals - when times are feeling really tough it may feel as if you're getting nowhere. Setting yourself small achievable goals not only boosts feel good chemicals, but also boosts your confidence. Whether it's getting a chore out of the way, going out for the evening or starting a new project at work, it will help you to see and know that you're moving on.
• Look after your health. Make sure you take regular exercise and maintain a healthy diet. Unfortunately comfort eating is more likely to make you depressed than cheer you up.
• Plan ahead - write down a list of all the things you're going to do when you get through this. When you have bad days, you can use this list to remind yourself that you still have a future ahead of you.
• Get help - if each day seems to be getting harder rather than better, then you may find it helpful to make an appointment to see a Relate counsellor. There are details of your local centre on this website. Relate also runs a one day workshop for people coming out of a long-term relationship.

How we can help

Thousands of people come to Relate every year for help with separation and divorce. We help all sorts of people in all sorts of situations, and we can help you.

Find out more:

• Help with separation and divorce
• Visit What next? - the parents' guide to separation
• Try a free Live Chat session - it's an online text-based chat service and you'll speak in confidence to a trained counsellor who can help you to understand what to expect from Relationship Counselling
• Find your nearest Relate and book an appointment
• Call our national phone line on 0300 100 1234

Useful links

• Sorting out separation web app
• Wikivorce

source:- http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-separation-and-divorce/separation-and-divorce-common-problems/how-do-i-move-after-divorce

Life After Divorce

Divorce is a major life change that can leave a person reeling. Suddenly being on your own to deal with issues such as money, children, career changes and downsizing the family home can seem overwhelming. Dr. Phil and Libby Gill, author of the book Traveling Hopefully: How to Lose Your Family Baggage and Jumpstart Your Life offer advice on how to begin to live life after divorce.

If you're having trouble letting go:

• There is life after this marriage
  As hard as it is to believe right now, one day this marriage will just be something you did once. You'll go on and you'll have what you create.
• Get out of denial
  Ask yourself: Do you really want this marriage, or are you hanging onto it out of fear? If being alone is a scarier thought than staying in a broken marriage, you're letting fear make your decisions. Are you mourning the loss of what your marriage was, or what you thought marriage would be? 
• Don't burn daylight 
• Grieving doesn't have a time frame on it, but life does. Whether you realize it or not, life is marching on. There comes a time when you have to accept the fact and say, "I've got to get on with my life, I've got to get on with raising my children, I've got to get on with putting things together where I can be a happy, meaningful, productive member of society." Find a way to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.
• Take the catastrophic language out of your mind
  "My life is over," "I've lost everything," and "Things are horrible" are labels that can have a powerful impact on how you feel. Recognize that it's factually not true. Your life isn't over, it's just a new beginning for you. Changing the negative tapes that run in your head can change how you physically feel.
• Don't waste time with regret
  At some point you have to say, "It is what it is." You can't do anything about what you did before; but you can do a lot about what you're doing now.
• Be an example for your children
  What kind of mom do you think your kids are experiencing when you're sitting around and crying and looking over your shoulder at what was instead of what is?

You've accepted it. Now it's time to jumpstart your life!

• Define a new relationship with your ex for your children
• Your old relationship was husband and wife, your new relationship is as common allies of your children.
• Talk to your kids
  Divorce can create emotional wounds in children. Talk to them about what's going on, what they're feeling, and how things will get better. Involve them. If they know there are things they can do to help this transition, it will give them a feeling of power.
• Make a plan
  Assess your situation financially, look at your resources to see what your options are in terms of housing, job and finances.
• Create a support squad
  Ask for help. People appreciate being asked for help. It's a gift to them to allow them to be there for you. Create a support squad of your closest friends who won't mind providing you with emotional support, professional guidance and ongoing inspiration. Realize that you're not the first person to go through this.
• Get your resources and assets around you
  Do everything you can to program yourself for success. Find out what your strengths and skills are and focus on them to help move you in a new and positive direction. Everybody has a personal truth " what you believe about yourself when nobody's watching. Remember that you will create the results in life that you believe you deserve.
• Make time for yourself
  Make a priority to be a little selfish and do something just for yourself. The most important gift you can give your children is to take care of their parents. Try a new class, start exercising, or reconnect with an old hobby you've forgotten about.
• Make your dream home
  It's not the end of the world if you have to change houses. Know that you and your kids are going to create memories there and that's what makes it a dream home.
• Find your authentic self
  Although you may no longer be one half of a couple, you are still 100 percent the person who you are. Find that person again.
• Find your passion
  What is it that will make you excited to get out of bed every day? Make a list of what you can do to reach your goals.
• Have some joy with your kids
  Choose to live with some fun in your new life. Create new memories with your children that will carry them into the future with self-esteem, confidence and happiness.
• Protect yourself in the future
  It's important to always look at a relationship and ask yourself, "What's it costing me to be in this relationship?" If you totally lose yourself in it, then the cost is too high. 

Source:- http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/213