Are You Ready For Divorce? 7 Questions To Ask Yourself

Should I stay or should I go?
If your marriage is on the line and you’re considering divorcing your spouse, you may have had some of the following thoughts:

I feel like I need to end this so-called marriage. Yet, how can I be sure? / Some days I feel more confident of my decision than others / A part of me still loves and/or cares for him. / I don’t think I am in love with him but what if I make a mistake? / Many people will be affected by my decision. / Maybe I’m being too hasty. / If only he would just change his behavior …
Or, maybe your spouse wants a divorce. In that case, you’ve probably had some of the following thoughts:
Divorce? Where did that come from? Two weeks ago, we were talking about going on a vacation! / I had no idea our marriage was this awful./ I am shocked and devastated./ I have to find a way to stop this. / Maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up things will be back to normal.
Many books and articles assume that once a couple says they want a divorce, they are truly ready for it. However, that’s often not the case. In fact, usually, when couples begin the divorce process, either one or both partners are not really ready at all.

More from YourTango:Getting Over a Failed Relationship? Here’s How to Move On

Divorce professionals including therapists, mediators, and attorneys often take statements like, “I’ve had it with him,” or “My feelings for her have died,” as indications that the marriage is already over. Attorneys mistakenly equate being hired with an indication that the couple is ready to divorce. But most couples who begin divorce proceedings are unprepared, causing marriages to end prematurely and divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests.
Underlying these hasty decisions is the assumption that the sooner you get out of a stressful situation, the better. There is a natural tendency for people in difficult marriages to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives. Family and friends often encourage this as well, subscribing to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal. Unfortunately, in most cases, just the opposite occurs.
Couples who rush to leave their marriages have not had enough time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts, or options. As a result, they are unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system, and the many life-changing decisions that they will need to make. Quite often, they make agreements which they cannot sustain and, instead of the situation improving,it stays the same or gets worse. They often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for — a quick divorce — takes years.
A dilemma implies that being torn between two choices, each of which has some undesirable elements. This article outlines what couples need to do to face the numerous dilemmas associated with divorce. But first, they must identify their unique dilemma. Couples facing the possibility of a divorce face one of these three dilemmas:

1. I want the divorce but I am not sure if it is the right decision. Since going through a divorce impacts the lives of your children as well as your lifestyle, economics, and marital investment, the pressure to make the “perfectly correct” decision is enormous. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. The best case scenario is to make a decision that is not emotionally based or driven by your ego.
2. I do not want the divorce but my spouse does. Being in this reactive place will leave you feeling out of control and helpless. You will experience intense emotional devastation as your life will be changing before your eyes without you having any say in the outcome. In addressing this dilemma, you need to ask yourself if you are clinging to familiar, safe ground and to a marriage based on illusions. It is not easy to acknowledge and confront the problems in a marriage, especially when you are feeling so hurt by your partner.
3. I only want this divorce because my marriage is not working. If this is your dilemma, then you will want to avoid responsibility at all costs by blaming your partner for the demise of the marriage. There will be tremendous preoccupation and anger about how your partner caused you to make this decision. The amount of noise generated from this blaming will be in direct proportion to your unwillingness to risk expressing any of your own fears and sadness. If this doesn’t occur, the divorce proceedings to follow will be riddled with tension and conflict as well as a continuation of the blaming.

The common element in all three dilemmas is fear. Victims of the first dilemma fear making a mistake. Victims of the second dilemma fear their own attachment to the familiar. The third group of victims fear accountability and softness. All three result in divorces that are combative and drag on and on, sometimes for years on end.

For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared to separate their lives on all levels — legally, practically, and emotionally. To do this, each person must face their own divorce dilemma by answering the following 7 questions:

More from YourTango: 8 Ways to Move On from a Past Relationship

1. Were you ever really married? Many people who say they want a divorce still have strong feelings for their partner, but due to an ongoing power struggle in the relationship, there is a lack of intimacy. If this is you, it is best to work on your relationship before deciding to divorce, otherwise your feelings of loss will overwhelm you and you may be worse off after the divorce than you are now.To really be married, a couple must have created a relationship that included an “us.” Many people who are considering divorce never had a marriage that was anything more than two individuals meeting their own needs. They may have raised children and shared a home, but they participated in those activities from a competitive rather than a unified position. If you have not developed a genuine “we” in your relationship, this would be the time to either commit to learning how to do that, or to admit that you have never really had a marriage in the first place.Personally, I had a very difficult time admitting that my own marriage of fourteen years was in name only, despite years of matrimony. Every few months we would threaten to break up, fighting was a daily ritual, and agreements rarely lasted more than a week. Despite numerous counseling offices we attended, the pattern remained. I had to acknowledge the truth before any real change could occur.
2. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening? Divorce is often threatened, especially in heated marital arguments. People who consistently threaten divorce lose credibility. If the person is not merely threatening, but is genuinely ready for a divorce, they can sustain the following thought in their own mind, “I wish to close a chapter of my life because I am at peace with the fact that there is no more that I can do or give to this relationship.” They will discuss this appropriately with their spouse without any blame.
3. Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision? To be ready to divorce your partner means being able to make a clear, unemotional decision that you can support over time. Divorce means being able to let go of all strong emotional attachments to the other person, the loving ones as well as the hostile and hurtful ones. Emotionally charged decisions do not last, and if acted on, do not resolve the underlying problem. People who divorce out of anger often stay angry even after the divorce is over.
4. What is your reason for wanting a divorce? Any agenda other than ending the marriage is an indication that you are not ready to divorce. If you are hoping that through the divorce, the other person will change and start treating you better, or realize how much they have lost, or pay for how much they have hurt you, you are getting a divorce for the wrong reason. Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people’s hearts and minds. Divorce can only do one thing: end a marriage. Divorce frees each person to make new attachments to new people.
5. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce? Everyone who goes through a divorce is conflicted. People can feel guilty at the same time as they are sure that they want to end the relationship. Or, they can feel betrayed and at the same time recognize that their life will be better once they are out of the relationship. Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.
6. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?Divorce brings grief because it marks the loss of the “happy family” dream. Hurt, disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, and inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage. To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce, it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face the pain of your family and friends. The reality is that divorce affects so many people’s lives. If you are the one choosing the divorce, you will have to hold on to your decision and the end of your marriage in the face of all these people and circumstances. If you are the one who does not want the divorce, but your spouse wants to proceed, you will still need to get ready to accept the consequences of a failed marriage.
   Here are some rules of thumb: If you don’t want changes to your finances, lifestyle, or traditions, then you are not ready for divorce; if you cannot accept your children’s sadness and anger, then you are not ready for divorce; if you cannot accept times of insecurity, fear, and the unknown, then you are not ready for divorce; if you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, then you are not ready for divorce.
7. Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way? Whether you are the one who wants the divorce, or the one who is having to respond to your spouse wanting the divorce, both situations have one thing in common: the marriage is ending. How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge, or helplessness, or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding, and respect. The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have.

People who prepare themselves by first addressing all eight of these questions are more likely to have a collaborative divorce. By starting the process in this way, they are able to make lasting agreements with each other, resolve their difficulties, and develop parenting plans that both support the children and respects each other’s rights.

Source:- http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/04/12/are-you-ready-for-divorce-7-questions-to-ask-yourself/

Why Do People Get Divorced?

Contents

• Why Do People Get Divorced?
• So How Do We Help "Hope" Triumph Over "Experience"?
• Research Supported Reasons For Divorce

Divorce is on the rise due to the "traditional reasons" as well as the "starter marriage" syndrome.

Why Do People Get Divorced?

Gottman offers research to support two main reasons and times for divorce:

• 5-7 years due to high conflict
• 10-12 years due to loss of intimacy and connection

But why does this happen? Wallerstein offers that divorce is passed down from divorcing parents to their children:

• Among adult children of divorced parents, only 60% marry, with 50% marrying before age 25 and most marrying people they had known only a short-time.
• 40% of them eventually divorce (in other words, only 36% of children of divorce are happily married). Among adult children from intact families, 80% marry, and 9% of them divorce (in other words, 73% of children of intact families are happily married).
• Among the adult children of divorced parents that never marry, half are women. Among the adult children from intact families that never marry, one-third are women.

How to Leave Your Wife Without Leaving Your Children

How to end the relationship but keep the kids: advice from Limpet Girl. ______

 This is for the weary; the frustrated. This is for the battle-broken fathers. This is for the lost parents. This is for the separating men (and women) who just want to walk away. For those who are finding it too hard, who think, in a moment of despair, that they just want to give up. This is for you. Your relationship has ended. Right now it probably feels like the apocalypse has arrived. Your world has come crashing down and the fallout spreads far and wide. Maybe you’ve already walked out. Or you might still be living in the family home and the tension is high. You might not be able to co-exist in the same space without it ending in a fight. You might despise this woman (or man – change gender as applicable) you once loved. But please, before you pack your bags and leave, before you close the door on the past, take this one golden rule to live by as you go your separate ways. Your children need you. That’s all you need to remember. Your children need you. Your children need you to be present in their lives. You don’t have to live in the same house, you don’t even have to live in the same town. But you do need to be a present and continuing factor.

Doc Love: Getting Over Her

This week’s question comes from a guy who went to college, saw the world, fell in love, and is having trouble getting over her. 
reader’s question Hey Doc, I want to say that I’ve been a fan of your weekly letters for some time and applaud what you have created. Finally, men have the tools to succeed with women. Despite all the wisdom I’ve acquired, there is one problem I’m still having, which is getting over her. As typical as it seems, I really have no idea what to do or how to stop it. Here’s the situation: About a year ago this summer, I was finishing my last semester in college, which was a study-abroad program. The group I was traveling with was very small and consisted mostly of women. There were some very attractive females and I was able to get the one who captivated me, thanks to what I learned from “The System.” she's like a dude in sexy chick clothing Her name was Cerise, and she wasn’t like most of the women I had dated in the past. She could be called the “Gaming Girl” because she was heavily into Japanese animation, video games, role playing, etc. These are interests I also hold, by the way. Cerise was extremely beautiful, talented in art, and had many other qualities that blew me away. In the back of my mind I always knew this was nothing more than a summer fling at best, and I tried to enjoy it for what it was. It turned out that I was wrong. Gradually, things started becoming more serious between us. We saw each other every weekend up until she had to leave the country because she was studying abroad for another year. We naturally tried a long-distance relationship that worked for a while, but it seemed we didn’t have time for each other. The breakup was mutual, and for about three months we stayed in communication as friends, but even that died down. Being back on the market, I started to date around, but I was always thinking of Cerise. I even had dreams about her. Doc, I need to know what this is all about. Am I just caught up in old memories of someone I cared for deeply? If so, what’s the key to getting over her and moving on with my life? Thanks in advance and keep up the good work. Mikey - who is very confused and having trouble getting over her 

doc love’s answer 
 Hi Mikey, It was fantastic that your study group consisted mostly of women. This is exactly what you want! To you Psych majors, get yourself into some activity where most of the other people involved are of the female persuasion. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “There ain’t nothin’ better than bein’ the only rooster in the henhouse!” she moved on before you set sail You’re very lucky that you had the same interests as Cerise; not only were you attracted to her, but you also had things in common, which most people don’t — even when they get married. And it’s also nice that this girl had all these great qualities that you admired, but you have to remember something: she’s EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL and that means that every guy in the world is after her. So, you’d better be armed with powerful weapons when you prepare to do battle with this dangerous creature. Like my cousin General Love says, “With a Beautiful Woman, you’ll always be operating from a position of weakness.” Mikey, not being content to accept this relationship for what it really was — just a summer fling — was your big mistake. You and Cerise were from different countries and you were inevitably going to part. Guys think they can control their emotions when they hook up with women who are just going to be around for a couple months; I’ve got news for you — you can’t. You might (if you have some Self-Control) be able to control your mouth when your emotions prod you to say something stupid, but you cannot control your emotions. sexy women will break you Some guys I know in Las Vegas used to date exotic dancers. I warned them that those girls were trouble, but their response was, “Well, we’re just going out for a fun time; no way we’re getting serious with these babes.” After three or four months, they found themselves falling in love with the dancers. Like my cousin Sal “The Fish” Love says, “If you don’t watch yourself with a certain type of woman, you’ll find yourself broke or dead.” The point is that you have to know with whom you’re falling in love and you better make sure that she’s going to be around if you’re going to let yourself get involved. So, when you found out that Cerise would be studying abroad for another year, right then and there you should have told her: “Have a good time, honey. If you ever move to my town, give me a call.” the 35 mile rule Of course it petered out between you and this girl. Like I always tell you guys, when you date someone, you can only be 25 to 35 miles away from her — max. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “Distance is a deal-breaker.” Now wait a minute here. You say that this breakup was mutual? Dude, breakups are never mutual. One party always leaves the other, and odds are that Cerise left you since Beautiful Women never get dumped. And why would you want to remain friends with someone you had a romantic relationship with? You could be friendly with her, but why be friends? It’s a waste of time, which is why that crapped out too. This goes to prove the old Chinese proverb: “Out of sight; out of mind. Grasshopper!” You were always obsessing about Cerise because she got your Interest Level way up into the 80s and then she got rid of you indirectly. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “The dreams you’re having are just your ego working against you.” find a rebound What’s it all about? Well, Mikey, you’re a human being, not a robot. And yep, you’re just caught up in old memories of someone you had a deep connection to once upon a time. The saddest part is that you and Cerise started out from the same place. You thought you could keep it light, but you ended up falling in love with someone who was going to disappear. So, this thing was dead from the beginning. Let me say it again: WASTE OF TIME. How do you get over Cerise and get on with your life? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “My son, memorize Doc’s principles and find a replacement!” Remember, guys: If they’re going to move away, don’t fall in love. 

Source:- http://uk.askmen.com/dating/doclove_400/423_relationship_expert.html

Why Are Most Divorces Filed by Women?

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Question: Why Are Most Divorces Filed by Women?

Answer:

A generation ago, women were less likely to file for divorce if in an unhappy or abusive marriage. Most were financially dependent on their spouse and feared the social stigma of divorce.

Today women are more likely to have careers of their own, are less financially dependent on their spouse and no longer fear the social stigma of divorce. Women are more educated and more empowered, which keeps them from accepting abuse or a marriage that is not meeting their needs.

Below Are A Few Reasons Why Most Divorces Are Initiated By Women:

• Seeking Relief From a Bad Marriage:
  A woman’s happiness is no longer tied to whether or not she is married. There was a time when, to be happy a woman though she had to be married. Such a mindset led women to believe they were “stuck” in a marriage that had gone bad. Those days are over and most women will file for divorce rather than deal with the stress of a bad marriage.
  Some throw in the towel too soon. Some work to find a solution to the problems in their marriage. In the end, if a woman feels she can no longer deal with the constant stress of a bad marriage she will not hesitate to file for a divorce and move on with her life.
• Escape Domestic Abuse:
  Women are less likely to stay in an abusive marriage today. There was a time when a woman had no choice but to stay. She was financially dependent on her spouse, under his control and had no options for leaving.
  Today there are many resources for victims of domestic abuse. Shelters, restraining orders and no-fault divorce laws make it easier for a financially dependent wife to escape an abusive marriage.
• Fewer Women are Financially Dependent on a Husband:
  In today’s society, women are more likely to have their own career. Even stay at home moms have college decrees and marketable skills to fall back on should they divorce. Because of financial independence divorce, for women is an easy decision to make.
  A career minded woman doesn’t have to worry about how she will support herself after divorce. Due to this, the prospect of divorce causes less anxiety and stress. She is confident in her ability to divorce and move on because she has the power that comes with being financially secure. With money comes security and an unwillingness to stay in an abusive or unhappy marriage.
• Women are Less Tolerant of Infidelity:
  Due to her financial security and her ability to identify what makes her happy, women’s expectations of their husband are higher. One of those expectations is fidelity and today, fewer women are willing to accept infidelity in their marriage.
  Instead of being a housewife, today’s wife in an equal partner. Most share the financial burdens of keeping the family together. Most do the majority of the child rearing on top of dealing with the demands of their careers. When a husband cheats, they are less willing to accept such behavior from an “equal partner.” Why should they continue to exert so much effort to maintain the family to only have that investment repaid by infidelity?
• Women Want More Out of Marriage:
  A generation ago, women wanted to be supported, to become mothers and cheerleaders for their husband’s career. Women were more willing to put their needs on the back burner for the sake of the marriage. Today women are in touch with their needs and want their needs met.
  Women want an intimate and emotional connection with their husband. They want communication, togetherness and a husband as driven to meet their needs as they are to meet his needs. The problem? Some men still view their wives as “the little woman” and fewer and fewer women are willing to be put in such a role.
• Women Loose Their Identity:
  Some wives spend so much time focused on raising children, helping their husband further his career and putting their needs last that they loose sight of who they are and what they want out of life.
  It is not unusual for a woman to hit middle age and go into a midlife crisis. She will begin to question the life she has led and wonder, “is that all there is?” She may file for a divorce in order to explore life on her own in the hope of finding out who she is and what she wants out of life.

There are a myriad of reasons a woman will file for divorce. Whether it is to seek her own happiness, escape from an abusive marriage or midlife crisis the one thing most who divorce have in common is a new sense of empowerment. Women view themselves as equal to men and for some marriage takes away that power instead of promoting it.

Source:- http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/f/why_women_file_divorce.htm