10 Things I Wish I'd Known Before Getting Divorced

As a divorce mediator for many years, I thought I was more prepared than anyone for what lay ahead as I faced my own divorce. Well, I was wrong! Here are some of the things no one told me, which I learned from going through it — and coming out on the other side.

To watch the video go here:- http://www.today.com/video/today/56869322

1. Even if you are the one who wants to get divorced, you may often feel sad, loss, fear, anxiety.

Whether or not you initiated the split, one is often unprepared for just how big of a life transition divorce really is. It's a time that not only includes the loss of a marriage, but often also includes the loss of other relationships in your life (your ex’s family, certain friends, and less time with your children, for example). In the process of letting go of your past married life, you will need to begin to create your new life, which often brings tremendous personal growth. However, until you get there, you will likely feel a great amount of fear and anxiety of the unknown. It takes work, but you will find happiness at the other end!

2. Just because you are divorced, all of your problems don’t just disappear. You still need to deal with your ex — particularly if there are children involved.

I so often hear from others who are divorced, “Ugh, I cant stand him!” or “She is driving me crazy!” and I always respond with “That’s why you are no longer married to him/her!” Remember that the bad behaviors you lived with don’t just disappear when you get divorced — the buttons they used to press when you were married may still get triggered, and sometimes even more so after you split. Do your best to let it go and not let it get to you anymore. Easier said then done; it takes practice.

3. Once the divorce papers are signed, now the real work begins. You need to heal from the emotional turmoil of a bad marriage and learn to be happy alone before you can enter a new relationship.

Creating two new homes after divorce with the same resources is one of the first big challenges one may need to make. You may need to go back to work, which can be a huge challenge if you have been home with your kids for so many years.

Your self-esteem will likely need a boost after working so hard at a relationship that ultimately failed. I have found it to be so important to take time to figure out who I am again, apart from being someone’s wife: What are my interests and what kind of partner will really make me happy? Finding these answers takes time, and it can be a fun and interesting journey along the way if you let it be.

Bacho / Shutterstock

4. Your kids may not tell you how they feel, though it may come out through their behaviors.

It is so important to watch your kids' actions and behaviors (life if they start to sleep in your bed, fight with each other, or show signs of depression) and not just go by what they say or don’t say. I so often hear “my kids are doing great” but then when I probe a little further, I find out a very different story. Talk to your kids about what they are thinking and feeling continuously — I have been divorced for five years, and my kids are still sad, have questions and wish their parents were still together. Keep communication going.

5. Don’t rush through the process, as tempting as that is. Everyone needs time to adjust and make good, clear decisions that you can live with for many years to come.

During the divorce process there are so many difficult decisions that need to be made, and these should not be made swiftly or without a lot of time to think and process. If you rush, many of these decisions will be fueled by emotions rather than careful consideration. Try and always put your children's best interests first and you will be ahead of the game.

6. You may lose some friends — the ones you thought would be there for you may not be, and vice versa.

This was rather surprising to me: Some people actually think divorce can be contagious! And maybe it is? We all know that there are many unhappily married people out there who are frightened (and I don’t blame them one bit) to get divorced. These people often do not want you around their spouses, giving them any ideas or courage to take that step.

And then there will be the friends, sometimes even the ones you weren’t so close to in the past, that come forward and are tremendously supportive. The largest complaint I hear from divorced people is that their married friends no longer invite them out anymore. So it's important to create new friends — single friends and married friends that are comfortable including you in their plans.

7. Let go of your anger and resentment toward your spouse — this can only hurt you and your children and no good can come from it!

This is so important! Holding on to your anger about what was or what happened in the past will only hurt you physically and emotionally. This doesn’t mean you condone your ex’s behavior, it simply means you need to let go of it. If you feel stuck, seek help — a therapist, a divorce advisor, or a divorce support group.

8. Holidays are so hard, especially in the first few years. Start new traditions and make sure you are not alone.

This is definitely one of the hardest parts for me about being divorced. Holidays to me are about being with family and those you love the most. So each holiday where my ex has my kids, I make sure I do something special that makes me happy and I don’t stay home and sulk. I do continue to spend those holidays with my family and sometimes try and see my kids at some point during that day.

9. Spare your children from bad-mouthing your spouse no matter what: This can actually crush their self-esteem.

As tempting as it may be, bad-mouthing your ex to your children is a big no-no! Children want — and have the right — to love both parents. Saying bad things about the other parent will come back to bite you, as your kids will likely resent you for it (if not now, later).

10. Don’t rush to start dating again!

Our children are not ready to see us with someone new, and you need time to figure out who you are and who would make you happy. Take at least a year off to work on yourself and focus on your children. Trust me, you need time alone to figure out who you are again. Until you know that, you are likely to make bad choices and may even choose a partner just like the one you just divorced! Kids too need time to heal and are likely to reject your new partner if they aren’t ready.

Source:- http://www.today.com/health/buzz-kill-3-daily-cocktails-may-boost-stroke-risk-study-2D80458244

9 Things To Do Before You File For A Divorce

For most, emotions get in the way of rational thinking during divorce. The decision to divorce is often times based on negative emotions that can cause a person to jump into the divorce process instead of wade in slowly. There are negative consequences to not "getting your ducks in a row" before filing for a divorce.

Just as with any other life altering decision it pays to take your time, learn where you stand financially and align yourself with an advocate to help you protect your legal rights before and after you file for a divorce.

Creativeye99/E+/Getty Images

1.  Hire a Good Divorce Attorney

Interview at least three divorce attorneys before you decide on one. Go with an attorney who has at least 5-10 years experience practicing family and divorce law. I lean towards a collaborative approach during divorce. It is easier and less expensive if you and your spouse are able to settle all issues without litigation. If that can’t be done make sure you have an attorney who is capable and willing to litigate your case before a judge. You are basically looking for two things…an attorney who knows the value of settling quickly but is also willing to fight for you should the need arise.

2.  Get an Idea of Where You Stand Financially

You need a clear picture of where you and your spouse stand financially. One of the primary goals of the divorce process is the make an equitable distribution of marital assets and debts. In order to get your fair share during divorce settlement negotiations it is imperative that you know what is owned and what is owed. This is a two-step process:

Determine what you own:

Some marital assets are obvious. It is clear that the marital home, any financial accounts and vehicles are assets that should be split equitably. Other not so obvious assets may include artwork, pension plans, inheritances or belongings brought into the marriage.

Determine what you owe:

When determining what you owe it does not matter whose name any debts are in. Marital debt will be split based on who is more financially able to pay the debt, not by whose name the debt is in. The easiest way to determine marital debt is to get a copy of your credit report. Any debt you have will be listed on your report.

3.  Gather Proof of Income

You need documentation showing your income and the income of your spouse. If you and your spouse are salaried employees, you will need a copy of the most recent pay stubs plus your most resent Income Tax Return.

Determining income is difficult if your spouse is self-employed. In such a case, copies of bank account statements and financial business statements will give a clear picture of income. It is a good idea to make copies of such statements before filing for divorce.

You may be able to get an idea of how much your spouse actually makes but, it can be almost impossible to determine true income when a spouse is self-employed. Gather what information you can and then your attorney can help get the rest through the discovery process.

4.  Make a Post-Divorce Budget

This is the fun part, figuring out your post-divorce budget. The part where you get to determine what you will have to live on once you are divorced. You are aware of what it takes to run the household now. What you need to know is what your costs of living will be after the divorce. Some people's incomes drop drastically after divorce. Its best you be prepared by building a budget now instead of being hit over the head with bills you can’t pay.

You will have to estimate some expenses but it is important so that you can have some idea of what you will need to survive in your new life. It is also important because it will influence how you negotiate your divorce settlement. You need to know what you will need financially in order to evaluate your settlement options or what you may ask for should your case go to court.

5.  Establish Credit in Your Own Name

If you don’t have any credit in your name alone you should establish some now. You can do this by obtaining a credit card but remember you want a card that is in your name only.

Many women find that, after divorce they have a hard time purchasing a home or car because they have spent years sharing credit with their spouse. All that credit you’ve had over the years with your spouse is helpful to him but once you are a single woman, you will get very little ‘credit’ for keeping those payments up.

Once you have a credit card in your name use is sparingly and make sure you are able to pay it off each month. The goal is to establish a good credit score not to run up a bunch of debt. This is done by using credit cards only to the degree that you are able to pay off monthly.

6.  Evaluate Joint Financial Accounts

In step two above I discussed obtaining copies of financial documents. If you did that, you now have to figure out what to do with them. It isn’t uncommon, after learning there is an impending divorce for a spouse to raid financial accounts. Sometimes it is done out of anger, sometimes it is done on the advice of an adversarial divorce attorney.

You will want to protect yourself and keep your spouse from being able to clean out any joint accounts you have together. If you fear your spouse doing such a thing you can protect yourself by opening accounts in your name alone, remove 1/2 the funds from the joint accounts, and deposit them into your new accounts.

Do not hide the fact that you have done this and do not spend the money foolishly. Document every penny you spend so that you can have an accounting for it during settlement negotiations or in court. If you have savings accounts, money market accounts or any type investment accounts and you fear your spouse will tamper with those you should consider having the accounts frozen. You should, of course, discuss with your attorney any action you plan to take regarding joint financial accounts.

7.  Close All Joint Credit Accounts

Before you separate when possible, pay off and close all joint credit accounts. Closing them before divorce proceedings will keep an angry spouse from using the account and running up charges that you may later be held responsible for.

If you can’t pay accounts in full you can negotiate with a creditor to pay less than is owed on an account.. If this is done, get a letter from the creditor that the account has been paid in full and a written promise that they will not file anything derogatory about the account to the credit reporting agencies.

If you are not able to pay off or come to a settlement agreement regarding the balance owed you should have the accounts frozen. This will keep you from being able to use the account but will also protect you in the end. Once the divorce is final, the balance owed on the account can be transferred to the party the court holds responsible for the debt. If the responsible party does not pay the debt then you don’t have to worry about it affecting your credit score.

Contact and alert creditors to the fact that you are going through a divorce. If there is a change of address, make sure they know it so that you will continue to receive bills from all joint accounts.

Make sure all credit card bills are being paid. Divorce proceedings can take months and all it takes is one late payment to hurt your credit. Even if you have to pay the minimum on accounts that you know will ultimately be your spouse’s responsibility it will be worth it.

8.  Make The Decision to Either Stay or Move Out

The most common question I get from clients considering divorce is whether or not they can move out of the house. Unless there is abuse I normally tell them to stay where they are. There are many reasons for not leaving the marital home. The most important are:

• It could affect the interest you have in the property. If you move out and your spouse pays the mortgage the entire time your divorce case is pending a judge may factor that into any decision he/she makes about property distribution. If the situation becomes too stressful and you feel you have to move try to continue to pay a portion of the mortgage payment. Document well any payments you make toward the mortgage.
• If you have school-aged children and you hope to be able to remain in the marital home until they finish school the last thing you want to do is leave the home. If your spouses income in greater than your income and you want to negotiate him paying the mortgage or part of the mortgage you lose your ability to negotiate keeping the home once you leave the home. Stay put!

Moving out of the marital home can have a negative impact on your case. Do not do it without first discussing the issue with your attorney. In some states, a judge will consider a motion from your attorney for temporary possession of the marital home pending divorce court. You can discuss this option with your attorney.

If there is domestic abuse and you are unable to get an order of temporary possession then it is imperative to take whatever steps you need to protect yourself. Leave the home if you feel you are in danger. If there is a history of domestic violence discuss it with your attorney because he may be able to legally have your husband removed from the marital home.

9.  Take The High Road

This means, no dating, no partying, no hanging out till all hours of the morning. If child custody is an issue in your case you need to make your children your number one priority…which they should already be. Don’t act like a good mother/father, be one. This is an especially stressful time for your children and they need you to stay focused on meeting your child’s needs.

If you become sexually frustrated, get over it. Sex is a luxury, not a necessity. Once you are divorced you can have all the sex you want. Until then don’t let your desire for sex put you in a situation a judge might view as questionable.

Spend time with friends, family and your children. Stay close to home, take care of yourself physically and emotionally, attend to your spiritual life and most of all, whatever you do, be above reproach. Behave yourself!

Source:- http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/maritalproblems/tp/What-To-Do-Before-You-File-For-A-Divorce.htm

How I Survived My First Christmas After A Divorce

Divorce lawyer Ayesha Vardag explains how she coped during her first Christmas alone

Recent research found most couples were not generally unhappy in the 12 months before they divorced. Photo: ALAMY

A few months ago I stumbled upon an old home video. It was from Christmas 1999, the era of fear over millennium bugs, of not talking about Fight Club and, as per my favourtie Cher song at the time, asking whether I believed in life after love.

Tom Jones and Cerys Matthews were singing But Baby It’s Cold Outside and in the video I was dancing in my pyjamas with my two little boys, then four and two, around our Christmas tree, laughing, unwrapping presents, looking the picture of happiness.

But the reality was, it was one of the most sorrowful times of my life because I was in the middle of a divorce.

We’d had months of hideous to-ing and fro-ing of abortive reconciliation. We’d both got involved in other relationships to escape from the pain of breaking up with the person we had thought five years before was the love of our lives.

I’d messed my new thing up royally but perhaps even more distressingly for me, my ex’s new romance was going along nicely. We’d had an excruciating last family trip to the bleaks of Norfolk and a thoroughly weird attempt at making up involving a tryst in a nudist Lido in Moscow, which was pretty unexpected.

But that Christmas, our marriage was truly over. The lawyers were flexing their muscles, and I didn’t even know if the kids and I could stay in our home.

I used to sit in the dark in the garden after my little boys had gone to bed, chain-smoking, drowning my sorrows in red wine and crying whenever I heard Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s Power of Love. I was so miserable and scared about the future that I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Every morning I woke up with a gut-wrenching horror as the sense of loss flooded back in. Loss not only of the apparently great love that had turned, in ways I couldn’t fathom, so cold, angry and lonely, but also of all my dreams of a 'normal' family.

_{Christmas is tough after a divorce}

As the only child of a divorced single mother, I had desperately longed for a stable, conventional home. When my husband and I met we fell so madly in love that we got engaged five weeks from our first date. It was a dream come true. He was handsome and clever and funny, we were successful together and we had two beautiful sons.

But it didn't work out and I was so stuck on my desire to live out that dream of a lifelong love, of a two-parent family, that I hung onto it all long after I should have let it go. Hence I found myself in the garden, alone, surrounded by fag ends, singing along to My Heart Will Go On from Titanic.

Christmas puts all that under a microscope. There’s so much pressure to make it merry, fun and happy, especially for children. It meant that facing it that first year after my divorce, from my pit of despair, with an empty place at the table, was terrifying. How could I make a Christmas for the boys, when our family had collapsed around our ears?

My mother, away in the country, wanted us to come to her. It was so tempting. She offered warm Anglo-Scottish hospitality, great food and a whole infrastructure of Christmas cheer. The pull of going back to Oxfordshire, where I’d grown up, to familiarity and support, was so strong that I even thought of moving back there all together, London behind me. The whole package looked great.

But there was a little voice that told me I had to resist all that. Not only should I avoid the seduction of going back to live near my mother, which would feel for me, perhaps irrationally, like a regressive step - instead I should stick my neck out and make that first Christmas work completely on my own.

I’d toddle the boys up the road to help me drag back a tree, I’d go out and buy us traditional food and cook it, we’d curl up on the sofa and watch the Teletubbies and Some Like it Hot. I would prove to the boys and to myself that we were a family, the three of us; that we could have fun and be happy together even without anyone else.

Somehow, that push to make our first post-break-up Christmas great for the boys got me out of my damp chain-smoking hell of self-pity and back in the game. Even if you feel destroyed, even if you want to cry all the time, I challenge you to dance around your sitting room with two toddlers eating chocolate money and singing your heart out to Fairytale of New York without feeling instantly better. Looking at that video, we were all smiling, we were giggling, we were just so happy together.

That was the watershed for me – that was when I knew I was going to make it through the dark times. Just doing Christmas myself, making it work, made me feel so much stronger and so much less afraid of being alone. Forcing yourself out for those who love you and depend on you – and if it’s not children it’s whatever family you’ve made among your friends or community – making Christmas for them and not feeling you need to run away and hide; accepting that the family you have, even if it’s just you and a couple of babies or beloved friends, can be a fantastic family all on its own, that’s the key to survival.

_{Ayesha Vardag and her new husband}

I’m not going to tell you how to do it, if you’re going it alone for the first time. It might be a morning in the pub with friends, cocktails on a beach or hiking through the rainforest. You find the things that will work for you and yours. What matters is to grab that first Christmas on your own, don’t just get through it - really make it something you feel proud of.

I remember talking to the boys around the time they were first going to school, and telling them that yes, my heart had broken when I split up with their Dad, but that they, and they alone, had mended it with their love. They've always remembered that and have sometimes quoted it back to me, and, Polyanna-ish as it may be, it feels so, so true. And that Christmas morning was when it started.

Now, I’m getting ready for the bumper giant Christmas that, nearly 15 years on, my lovely (new) husband and I have planned for his two children and my three (having added a daughter in the meantime). We’re all enjoying the big, solid, family life edifice with which I've somehow been blessed.

But I still look back on that old video, where I was alone with my babies on Christmas day in the midst of devastation, and I remember it as a golden moment. One of my life’s most important moments. Because it was the day I realised that I was enough. Just me.

And that I could make new dreams, for myself and my loved ones. Just knowing that changed everything.

Source:- http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11310567/Divorce-How-I-survived-my-first-Christmas-afterwards.html

Indian Man ‘divorces wife with text message after she was gang raped’

Sharia law states men can divorce their wives instantly by repeating the

 word “talaq”, or “I divorce you”, to her three times AFP/Getty

An Indian woman has allegedly been divorced by her husband
 by text message after confessing to being gang raped.

The woman, who remains unnamed, said she received a
 message saying “talaq” three times after telling her husband
 about the incident, according to The Daily Mail.

Sharia law states men can divorce their wives instantly by
 repeating the word “talaq”, or “I divorce you”, to her three
 times.

Many Islamic scholars believe the word must be pronounced
 on three separate occasions, spread over three months, and
 accompanied by efforts at reconciliation to constitute a
 divorce.

However, cases of the word being repeated three times in one
 sitting, have been “legally recognized”, according to
 Natana J Deloing-Bas, author of Wahhabi Islam: From
 Revival and Reform to Global Jihad.

An Indian Muslim girl stands with a poster denouncing Talaq on
 International Women's Day in Bombay Getty

The 25-year-old woman claimed she was evicted from her home
 after receiving the message, which ended her five year marriage
 to a Dubai-based construction worker.

Her 70-year-old mother-in-law, who she lived with, has
 supposedly taken custody of her four year old son, according
 to reports.

The woman claims the rape was committed by a group of
 neighbours.  

The woman told The Mail Online: ‘I felt violated. I thought that
 he would stand by my side through this, to help me through the
 pain of it.

But I was wrong. He took the easiest way out like a coward and
 divorced me with text message."The woman told
 The Mail Online:  ‘I felt violated. I thought that he would stand
 by my side through
 this, to help me through the pain of it.

It is understood the woman has since moved back to her
 parent's  home in Meerut, north India.

A government committee, created in 2013 to look into Indian
 women’s status, has recommended the government should
 outlaw triple talaq.

A report by the committee, released last month and cited by
 The Guardian, says the custom “makes wives extremely
 vulnerable and insecure regarding their marital status”.

Women’s rights groups in India have long called for a ban
 on the practise of triple talaq.

Indian studentsparticipate in an anti-rape protest in Hyderabad Getty

In a recent letter to the Indian Prime Minister, Narendra Modi,
 the Indian Muslim women’s welfare movement, Bharatiya
 Muslim Mahila Andolan, claimed the convention denied
 Muslim women their Quranic rights.

They added the ban was necessary to secure equality and
 dignity to Muslim women.

Triple talaq is still recognised in Indian law as the country does
 not have a uniform civil code that applies to all citizens. Rather,
 each religious community has its own laws governing marriage
 and divorce, thus Muslims are allowed to follow Sharia.

Source:- http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/indian-man-divorces
-wife-with-text-message-after-she-was-gang-raped-a6751826.html