Advice For Cheaters And Their Partners

If you have repeatedly cheated, or are the partner of a cheater and can't seem to forgive or break off the unhealthy relationship, Dr. Phil has advice.

Cheaters:

Look at the statistics.The chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry, and all the baggage that comes with that. Add to that managing your ex and going through possible custody battles for children. Is it worth it?

Think of the children.If you have children and you are cheating on your spouse, your children will suffer. You are turning their lives upside down, fracturing their family unit and destroying their peace and harmony.

Think ahead to what the courts might think of you as a parent. You may think your partner wouldn't fight you on custody, but people change when they get into a divorce court. Your spouse might just decide that the person who stole his/her partner will not steal the children as well. If you enter the divorce arena in the midst of infidelity, you have put your children in play. Again, ask yourself, is it worth it? 

If the person you are having an affair with is married with children, ask yourself, "What right do I have to fracture his/her family unit in which innocent children are growing every day, just to feed my need?"

Be honest with yourself.Is the unfaithfulness over with? Moving forward, do you absolutely and unequivocally have nothing to hide? You'll never get past this until you start being drop-dead honest. Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you don't think you can stop on your own, get professional help. 

Be honest with your partner.
By not being honest with yourself and your partner, you're doing nothing but perpetuating the deception. If you know that you will continue to be unfaithful, and if you really care about your partner, you will let him/her go and get yourself some help. 

Accept responsibility.
Have the decency to tell your spouse in all honesty and candor that you own your choices. You're the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch. This had nothing to do with your partner. If you want to fix your marriage, you have to accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to earn your partner's trust back one step at a time. 

Assess your commitment level.Are you committed enough to your partner in order to do the work necessary in order to repair the relationship? However long it takes to get this relationship back on the road, is however long you need to work at it. 

Behave your way to success.
Keep in mind, you can no longer be in contact with the person you were having an affair with. Avoid the places you know he/she frequents, change your phone numbers, and if you're unsure of your strength in staying away from him/her, then move. If you're so out of control that you're like a moth to a flame, then get away from the candle!

Turn toward your partner.When your life or relationship becomes rocky and affects your sexual relationship, that is the time you should turn toward your partner, not away from him/her because of your sexual needs. 

Re-engineer your life.If you are a sex addict, and you really want to change this, it's not a quick fix. It's an entire reengineering of your life, values, beliefs, thoughts, conduct and emotions. It's about deconstructing your life, and reconstructing your future. Unless you get professional help, you're going to continue to victimize everybody who you touch because you're controlled by your impulses rather than your values.

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If You Are Being Cheated On:

Get real.
The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. What do you predict? If your partner has cheated on you repeatedly and now swears he/she will stop, what are the chances that this is true? You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Isn't there a point at which you say, "I deserve better. My children deserve better. He/She may not have any boundaries, but I do. And my boundaries say, 'You either treat me with integrity, dignity and respect or you don't treat me at all'?" Stand up for yourself and for your children. You've given your power away and you've got to get it back.

This is not your fault.
Stop beating yourself up about this. You have got to know that this has nothing to do with you. You are not the one who made the decision to break your commitment to your partner and cheat. You have nothing to do with your partner making the immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from you to someone else.

What is your payoff?
Do you want to get past this? Or is there a payoff you receive from the situation? Do you enjoy playing the victim or subjecting your partner to a life sentence? Do you fear that if you forgive a partner who truly is remorseful and has changed his/her behavior that you are "letting them get away with it?" 

Assess your commitment level.
You can either handle being vulnerable with your partner again or you can't. And if you can't, you need to get out of this relationship and move on. And if you can, then you need to let him/her earn the trust back and start putting this relationship together again.

Consider the consequences.
If you have children, your decision will affect them as well. You do have responsibility here for what you do next. You have to make a decision about whether or not justice is best served by allowing your partner to re-earn your trust, or if it's better not to subject your family any longer to the current situation. 

Decide if you can choose to forgive.Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what your partner did is OK. How much you trust your partner is in part about what your partner does, and in part a function of whether you have confidence to handle it if he/she disappoints you. If you find out that he/she strays again, can you handle that? 

If you can't forgive, let go.
When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. If you continue to throw this in your partner's face, you will eventually run him/her off. Ask yourself if this is going to be a life sentence for your partner. Can you heal from this and forgive? If not, don't continue to live in anger and/or be with someone who causes you pain. 

Source:- http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/127

8 Myths That Could Kill Your Relationship

If you think relationships don't take hard work or that passion shouldn't fade if you're really in love, think again. Credit: Dreamstime View full size image

There are hundreds of myths about relationships, according to Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, a Michigan clinical psychologist and author of "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great" (Delacorte Press, 2009). The problem with persistent myths is that they can erode a relationship's happiness, she said.

When you think a relationship should be a certain way, and yours isn't, frustration sets in. And "frustration is the number one thing that eats away at a relationship," Orbuch said, and "it's directly tied to these myths."

That's why it's so critical to bust the below misconceptions. So without further ado, here are eight myths about relationships that might surprise you.

1. Myth: A good relationship means that you don't have to work at it.
Fact: "The strongest most enduring relationships take lots of hard work," said Lisa Blum, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena and Los Angeles, who specializes in emotionally focused therapy with couples. She believes that our culture, education system and parenting styles don't prepare us for the fact that even good relationships take effort.

She likened a healthy relationship to a good garden. "It's a beautiful thing but you wouldn't expect it to thrive without a whole lot of labor and TLC."

But how do you know if you're working too hard on a relationship? One sign, according to Blum, is if you're feeling unhappy more than you're happy. In other words, are you spending more time tending to the relationship and keeping it afloat than enjoying it?

This unhappiness becomes less of a rough patch, and more like the "normal state of affairs," she said.

Another bad sign is if you're trying hard to make improvements and changes, but you don't see the same level of effort on your partner's part. "There has to be some sense of 'we're trying really hard, both making changes and that's making a difference.'"

On the flip side, if both of you are trying and you can see positive changes being made at least some of the time, then that's a good sign, Blum said.

2. Myth: If partners really love each other, they know each other's needs and feelings.

Fact: "It's a setup to expect your partner to be able to read your mind," Blum said — because when you anticipate that your partner will know your wants, that's essentially what you're doing. We develop this expectation as kids, she said. But "as adults, we're always responsible for communicating our feelings and needs."

And once you've communicated your needs and feelings, "a better measure of the quality of your relationship" is whether your partner actually listens to your words. [5 Communication Pitfalls and Pointers for Couples ]

3. Myth: If you're truly in love, passion will never fade.

Fact: Thanks to movies and romantic novels, we assume that if we genuinely love someone, "the passion, urging and loving" never go away. And if they do disappear, then "it must not be the right relationship" or "our relationship [must be] in trouble," Orbuch said. However, passion naturally diminishes in all relationships.

Daily routines are one of the culprits, Blum said. As their responsibilities grow and roles expand, couples have less and less time and energy for each other.

But this doesn't mean that the passion is gone for good. With a little planning and playfulness, you can boost passion. Blum sees many relationships where passion is alive and well. "Passionate sex is a byproduct of sustained emotional intimacy along with a continuing sense of adventure and exploration and sense of playfulness." Orbuch also has emphasized the importance of couples doing new things to perk up their relationships (see her specific advice).

And when it comes to passion-squashing routines, Blum suggested couples ask themselves: "How do we tame our lives sufficiently that we can make time for each other and have energy left for each other?"

4. Myth: Having a child will strengthen your relationship or marriage.

Fact: Studies have shown that relationship happiness actually decreases with every child, she said. This doesn't mean that you start loving each other less or that you won't bond at all over your child, Orbuch said. But the mounting challenges can complicate relationships.

Having realistic expectations helps couples prepare themselves for their new roles, she said. When you think that a child will improve your relationship, it only adds to the complications.

As Orbuch said, "'should' statements don't allow you to see what the other person is doing to strengthen and manage the relationship," and these expectations "cloud your judgment." She recommended planning ahead and talking about the changes that will occur when you have your first child or more kids.

5. Myth: Jealousy is a sign of true love and caring.

Fact: Jealousy is more about how secure and confident you are with yourself and your relationship (or the lack thereof), she said. Take the following example: If you have a jealous partner, you might try to show them how much you care so they don't get jealous. But you soon realize that any amount of caring isn't a cure for their jealous reactions.

While you can be supportive, according to Orbuch, your partner must work on their insecurity issues on their own. "No matter what you do, you can't make your partner feel more secure" or "change their self-confidence."

Trying to make your partner jealous also can backfire. While men and women are just as likely to experience jealousy, their reactions differ. Men either get very defensive or angry, believing that the relationship isn't worth it, Orbuch said. Women, on the other hand, respond by trying to improve the relationship or themselves.

6. Myth: Fights ruin relationships.

Fact: In actuality, what ruins relationships is not resolving your fights, Blum said. "Fights can be really healthy, and an important form of communication and clearing the air."

Also, the type of fight a couple has plays a role. Not surprisingly, nasty, scornful or condescending fights that leave couples resolution-less and not talking for days damage the relationship. Productive conflicts that help the relationship end with "some mutual decision about how to manage this disagreement," Blum said. (Here's help on improving your communication and becoming a better listener and speaker.)

7. Myth: In order for the relationship to be successful, the other partner must change.

Fact: Many times we're very good at the blame game and not so good at pondering how we can become better partners. Instead, we demand that our partners make such and such changes.

Unless, there are extreme circumstances like abuse or chronic infidelity, Blum said, it takes two to make changes.

But even more than that, it's up to you to figure out what you can do. While this seems "simple and obvious," 100 percent of the couples Blum sees point the finger.

"It's a profound mental shift to look at what can I do [and] what changes can I make."

8. Myth: Couples therapy means your relationship is really in trouble.

Fact: By the time couples seek therapy, this may be true, but changing this mindset is key. Most couples seek therapy "when they've been suffering for a really long time," Blum said. "What elements were good in the relationship are destroyed."

Instead, Blum suggested that people view couples therapy as preventative. This way, a couple comes in when they've been stuck on one or two conflicts for a few months, "not five or six over the last 10 years."

This article was provided to LiveScience by PsychCentral.

Source:- http://www.livescience.com/15610-myths-kill-relationship-satisfaction.html.

          

Happy Divorce Day

 How Christmas made three women realise they HAD to leave their husbands

Simmering tensions,a fling at the office party and families thrown together for weeks on end ... no wonder yesterday has become the busiest - and most lucrative - day of the year for divorce lawyers.

Even as Jackie Walker put the finishing touches to the sumptuous Christmas meal and table decorations, in her head she was making a life-changing decision. "We'd had the whole family over for Christmas dinner and I wanted everything to be perfect," says 47-year-old Jackie.

"But as I served dinner, I looked round the table of smiling faces and I felt like an outsider. I was putting on a happy face and fulfilling my roles as mummy, wife, daughter and daughterinlaw. But, God, I was miserable. As we sat down to eat, I thought about the looming New Year and felt: 'I can't do this any more.'"

And so, ten days later, as she swept up pine needles and took down the decorations, Jackie decided - like so many women in the post-Christmas period - that she wanted a divorce. "I'd been unhappy for a couple of years," admits Jackie, who has two children aged 11 and 12 with Mike, 44, a property developer.

"Mike and I had been so busy with our careers, the children and renovating our rambling 15-room house that we had no time for each other.

"There were times I'd think: 'What the hell am I doing with him when I might as well be on my own?' I didn't feel loved or adored.

"But it was only at Christmas that I realised how wrong it would be to keep up the pretence for yet another year for the sake of my children. So I sat Mike down and told him: 'This isn't working for me. Our marriage is over.'"

Mike was devastated but defiant. She recalls: "He told me: 'Jackie, I am the best husband you'll get and there will be no knight in shining armour to whisk you away, so you need to be sure of what you're saying.' But I was sure, so I filed for divorce."

Though some friends and relatives branded Jackie heartless for walking away after Christmas, it seems she is far from alone in her timing. Matrimonial experts have dubbed yesterday D-Day - or Divorce Day - because traditionally the most petitions of the year are filed on the Monday of the first full week in January.

In some years, the number is as much as 50 per cent more than in an average week. This year experts are predicting at least a 10 per cent rise on the norm.

Divorce lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt believes this is because the stress of playing happy families during the festivities can prove too much if a marriage is already teetering on the brink of separation.

"Only the stampede for the start of the Harrods sale is greater than the surge to file for divorce in early January," she says. "Most applications are from women reeling from the pressure of having to put on an act

over Christmas when they've been feeling unhappy in the marriage for a while.

"Often they will have approached the festive season thinking: 'I'll really make an effort at Christmas, but if things still aren't right by New Year then I'll leave.'"

This point resonates with Jackie, who now lives alone, near Edinburgh. "Christmas was magical when we first had our babies," she recalls. "But in 2000, when I turned 40, I had an overwhelming feeling that something was missing.

"I was the stereotypical middleaged, middle-class woman, with a great career as an event manager, a devoted husband, two beautiful children and a gorgeous detached home with a huge walled garden in a pretty village. But I wasn't happy and I felt terribly guilty for questioning my seemingly perfect life."

After admitting her feelings to Mike that year, the couple tried marriage counselling to salvage their relationship and for a time, Jackie says, they were happier. "Mike was hugely supportive, counselling made us refocus on each other and for two years things really were better.

"But when we moved house again in July 2002 they deteriorated dramatically. Once again, Mike and I were too busy for each other. I stuck it out, but by Christmas that year I knew things wouldn't change because my love for him had died."

Laws Of Attraction: How Do We Select A Life Partner?

Most of us seek a partner, for life or at least for a while. But how do we choose? After all, we meet hundreds, even thousands, of people in the course of our daily lives. What makes two people pick one another from among the myriad available candidates? Psychological science has long been trying to answer this question, and with considerable success.

Two main theories have guided scientific thinking on the subject. First is evolutionary theory(link is external), which claims that behavioral tendencies, physical characteristics, and personality features that promote our chances to survive and reproduce become, by that virtue, desirable to us. In addition, biological and anatomical differences between organisms will dictate different optimal solutions to the same problem. For example, if two animals, one with nimble feet and the other with strong wings, encounter a hungry predator, how will they deal with the survival threat? Most likely, the first animal will run away and the second will fly off.

Six Questions To Consider In Choosing A Life Partner

I've long felt that choosing a life partner should be a subject that is thoroughly discussed sometime in high school and perhaps even in university.

It amazes me that so little time, if any, is given to considering this topic on a meaningful level in school. Near as I can tell, it's probably the single most important decision that all of us can make. My take is that most people who get married in modern society don't have the foresight and life experience needed to make the best possible choice. I'm sure that some people do think things out to a degree that would make Dr. Phil and Oprah proud, but from my little spot on the planet, it looks like most of us, myself included, rely mainly on our instincts to choose the one person we want to be with forever.

And why wouldn't we? Society teaches us that love is what matters. Love is the only thing that matters. And what is love? Isn't it that special feeling that occupies your thoracic cavity and makes you feel blissfully alive?

Well, here are some thoughts that I would like my loved ones to consider in choosing a life partner: Do you like him? To me, it's not about if you love him. It's if you actually like him. The challenge is in knowing if what you are feeling is genuine like as opposed to fool's like, which I think is really just a symptom of being intoxicated with lust (which I don't have anything against - I just wouldn't recommend choosing a life partner with fool's like being a primary source of fuel to maintain a healthy relationship).

How do you know if you genuinely like and admire him? Ask yourself if you would want your child or future child to marry someone like him. And in answering this question, think about how he consistently behaves, not what he says.

As most of us know, feelings of "being in love" come and go. I wouldn't want to rely on such feelings to keep my life partnership healthy and intact. Much better, I think, to have a foundation of genuine like in place. Because ultimately, we want to spend our time with those we genuinely like. Why do you like her? Being drop dead gorgeous, having a trust fund, and taking good care of you are all weak reasons to like someone. They belong in the what she can do for me category, which includes the need-to-have-a-trophy-partner-by-my-side-so-that-I-feel-less-like-the-troll-that-lives-deep-within-me reason. Not a very solid foundation. 

She can make you laugh your socks off? You admire the way she treats others, especially in instances when she is unaware that you are aware of what she is doing? She inspires you to strengthen your character? You respect her work ethic? Here and there, she blows you away with her thoughts? Now we're talking about some power fuel to sustain feelings of respect, genuine like, and even adoration for a lifetime.

Do you have the same basic attitudes and beliefs about religion? Specifically, do both of you have about the same tolerance level for other people's beliefs? If not, think carefully about how this might affect the way that you feel about raising your children together. Speaking of children... Do both of you have similar feelings on having or not having children? If both of you want to have children, do you have a good inkling of what type of parent your partner would make? 

Are you relatively clear on how much time you would like to spend with parents, siblings, relatives, and friends on both sides of your family? If you're the type that would absolutely love having your parents in their golden years living next door or at least in the same town, I would suggest making this perfectly clear and asking your potential life partner to give this careful consideration and letting you know how it sits with him or her. I imagine that very few life experiences can create more sorrow than not being able to spend time with your loved ones or, on the other side of the fence, being forced to spend time with people who make it clear through their behavior that they don't cherish you.

Do you have similar money values? What do both of you like to spend your money on? Do you spend the bulk of your money on things or experiences? How much do you spend on items and experiences that aren't essential to your survival? How much do you like to save? *** Those are the big ones for me. They're the issues that rise above the inevitable squabbles that accompany all life partnerships and float around in potential deal-breaker territory. To be clear, if you just don't like who the other person is (not as obvious as you'd think or hope in the honeymoon phase), if you don't really laugh together, if you don't have the same basic attitudes about religion, having children, raising children, other family members, close friends, and money, you have one or more deal-breakers staring you in the face. And people who genuinely care for you won't want to hear "but I love him." Because they'll be able to see what you can't see in the moment; that what you have isn't the kind of love that can sustain a healthy life partnership; it's something else that will probably make you want to punch yourself in the face a few times every day for the rest of your life beginning in the near future.

Okay, I'm getting carried away, but hopefully, my thoughts on this topic are clear. And for sure, they're just my thoughts, things that I hope my loved ones consider before they choose to get married, should they decide that marriage is for them. Earlier this morning, I asked those who follow our facebook page to share their tips on choosing a life partner.

Choose your best friend, choose someone you respect, be super careful - these are the recurring pieces of advice that I see in the many responses. Please feel free to browse through them and even add your own here: What would you share with your child, grandchild, nephew, or niece about choosing a life partner? If this is a topic that is on your mind and heart at the moment, I think you'll find value in the following passage from one of my favorite authors, Kent Nerburn: Kent Nerburn on Marriage

Hope this collection of thoughts on choosing a life partner is useful to someone out there. 

 Source:- http://drbenkim.com/thoughts-choosing-life-partner