I would like to preface this post by saying that I have fallen into every single one of these. It wasn’t until I fell on my face for the last time, drew a line in the sand and said, “No more!” was I able to see my patterns, learn to love myself before I entered a relationship, and I was able to experience a loving, healthy relationship. So, in no particular order, here they are: 1. You’re so desperate for love, you’ll take it any way it’s served up. All of us want the same thing: to love and to be loved. And for some people there comes a point when we are not feeling loved enough so we’ll take any relationship over being single. Whether it’s tolerating abuse, infidelity, disrespect, boundary violations or whatever. Perhaps in your gut you know it’s wrong to stay, but in your mind the pain of leaving is worse. This one could be its own post, but I will say this: If you know in your gut the relationship is not well, there is your answer. Period. And P.S….love yourself first. Staying in an unhealthy relationship for the sake of feeling loved will always end in massive disappointment. 2. You’re attracting the same guys as you’re feeling. If you’re feeling insecure, bitter, resentful, if you self-hate, chances are you’re going to attract the same type of person and/or that person will treat you exactly as you are feeling. You will end up finding evidence of your feelings in the shape of your relationships. For instance, if you’re with someone who doesn’t feel good about himself, chances are he won’t treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Which opens the door for your inner-critic to come in and tell you, “See! This is what you deserve.” It’s a cycle that can only be broken by you feeling good and loving towards yourself. 3. You’re a love addict. Guuuuurl, it takes one to know one. When I read the book, “Facing Love Addiction” I felt like Pia Mellody had written my autobiography and then hit me over the head with it. Love addicts in a nutshell are addicted to the feeling of being in love and in my case; addicted to the person I was in the relationship with. The relationship was what gave my life meaning. My life purpose was to make the relationship work. To make him love me the way my heart wanted to be loved. It consumed my life. Er, not good. Love addiction is like any other addiction. You’re filling yourself up with something outside of you. If you really feel as if this is you, I encourage you to get help either with a program, or the book above. 4. You expect your relationships to fail. If your self-esteem and self-worth are unhealthy, this is when you expect your relationships to fail. If you think all you meet are jerks and crazies that use you and leave you, you will find evidence of this. I encourage you to ask yourself WHY you think and assume this. Is it because it’s been your track record? Then it’s time to investigate how you feel about YOURSELF. How you feel about yourself will dictate how your relationships are. True story. 5. You sabotage any healthy relationship you’re in. Let’s say you’re had a string of shit relationships. Then you meet a really nice, normal, loving guy. Pretty soon you find yourself picking fights, or flirting with other guys, or maybe you’re thinking of leaving the relationship altogether. A couple of things might be happening. First, you’re bored and probably used to craziness- not normalness. (See #6) or deep down your gremlin is telling you that you don’t deserve to have this nice, healthy relationship, so you do things maybe consciously or unconsciously to cause problems to end the relationship. 6. You’re a drama addict. If you’re so used to chaos, intensity and drama, you may be a drama addict. I personally don’t see anything wrong with a little drama every once in a great while (because let’s face it, make-up sex is hot), but if this is your default way of communicating with your partner, or if your relationship has really high highs, and really low lows, that can be unhealthy. When I got married for the second time, I had to get used to communicating without yelling, slamming doors, hanging up on each other, and ending each argument with, “go fuck yourself”. At times I thought my new marriage was boring, but my therapist assured me that NOT doing all of those crazy things and actually communicating respectfully was normal and healthy. Who knew?
7. You’re waiting for someone to “complete” you. Hey sister- Price Charming also had his not-so-great, ball scratching, asshole moments. I want to vomit every time I see that scene in Jerry McGuire where he tells her, “You complete me”. Barf. Truth: Autonomy is essential to a healthy relationship. If you aren’t complete before you get into a relationship, you’re in trouble. If you’re actually looking for someone to complete you, you’re also in trouble. It’s no one’s job but yours to bring your own happiness to the relationship. Putting that on a partner is not only unfair, but unhealthy. If you notice something about all 7 of these- they all come back to self. I see people all the time (and I did it myself), search for love and happiness in a relationship. Yes, it’s important to have those things, but if you don’t have it in yourself FIRST AND FOREMOST, you’ll be running around in circles thinking, “What is wrong with me!?”. I assure you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not broken, nor do you need fixing. The answer is in you.
Are you married to an asshole? Who isn’t? But what degree of asshole is he? Can you manage his assholiness or do you need to get out? Is he the cause of your depression?
You are probably familiar with flying on an airline and emergency procedures. The ones the flight attendants go over just before take off. Have you ever thought about the importance of those oxygen masks? They explain that the masks drop down and the oxygen starts to flow.
Have you ever really thought about the importance of putting yours on first? You have to breathe. You have to take care of yourself first in order to care for others.
Ah, ha!
Is that the root of your problem? Is that the cause of your depression? It was for me. I couldn’t breathe. I never put myself first and I eventually lost the ability to care for those around me. OMG, I’m ashamed to say that this is what happened to me three times. What is wrong with me? Am I wired to be a doormat?
Just like with husbands number one and two it started off the same. I’m single. I’m healthy. I look and feel great. I love my job. I have friends and family who love me. And then it happened.
I met Mr. Wonderful number three. Woo Hoo. He loves me. He thinks I’m smart and funny and beautiful. He showers me with compliments and gifts. He loves spending time with me. It doesn’t matter if we go out or stay in as long as we’re together. He promises me that this will last FOREVER. LIES! How did I not see this pattern? Maybe they weren’t lies at the time but things change.
Did he turn into an asshole or was he always an asshole? Did I change? How did I go from an interesting independent woman to a depressed doormat? All I know is the new wore off, reality set in, his needs came first and I became depressed.
As with many couples, we agreed to put his career first. After all it was for “us.” We worked together and I became his assistant. We played together too. But little by little he explained away the changes. He needed some guy time. It’s ok, I explained to myself. He deserves it. I deserve it too.
I tried going out with friends but every time I did he showed up. Sometimes he called with a reason I needed to come home. He was so controlling that I stopped going out. I was even flattered that he was a little jealous. Besides we needed to save money and I was so busy with the kids and when I had a free minute I wanted to spend it with him.
Eventually, everything was about him. If I did speak up I got accused of being a nag. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be the cool understanding wife. But deep down I knew he was being an asshole. I knew things had changed but I didn’t know what to do. And you know what you do when you don’t know what to do? You do nothing. You learn to accept it and you make excuses. I was so afraid of losing him that I lost myself.
Does any of this sound like you?
You don’t stand up to your husband because you just don’t want to fight anymore. You let the kids get their way too often because you’re too tired to care. You don’t open the mail because it’s all bills and they are all overdue. You need a haircut. You wear the same clothes that you did years ago. You don’t eat right. You suffer from anxiety and maybe you self medicate with alcohol?
Maybe you are depressed because he is an asshole. Maybe he’s a control freak or maybe you allowed things to get out of control. Maybe you enabled his bad behavior because you hate confrontation. Maybe you don’t want to rock the boat. But the boat is sinking and you are the only one on it.
Believe me I know. I was depressed. I gained weight and suffered from insomnia and anxiety. My gums would bleed whenever I brushed my teeth and I didn’t go see a dentist. I’ve gone through menopause without seeing a doctor. I truly put my health, my happiness and myself last.
I dropped the hobbies and the volunteer work that I used to love because he needed me to concentrate on “our” life. All the while he slowly made his own private life. I had panic attacks. It got so bad that whenever he did something that I knew was wrong I would have an attack. He started accusing me of being allergic to him…in a way he was right.
The real kicker is that my husband, who I put first, put me last. When I said I needed to change he said good. When I asked for his help and support he said he couldn’t help me because he barely knew how to help himself. In reality he’s suffering from depression too. But men and woman do not suffer from depression in the same way. Women take blame and men blame others.
Was it his depression that made him an asshole or was he always an asshole? That’s a matter of opinion but when I started to challenge him he wanted out. After all I did for him? He wanted out? Wow. Now on top of my depression was grief. I went through shock, denial, anger, depression again and finally acceptance. I accepted that I had changed. I had become a person he didn’t like and a person I didn’t like. I became a doormat. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was history repeating itself. I have no explanation why I didn’t see it coming but I do know that it could happen again. I’m wired this way. I allow people to take advantage of me. For me this cycle needed to stop and I took charge.
With help from my family and friends I’m recovering. I promised my kids and myself that there will not be another man until I am in complete control of my own needs. I committed to supporting myself. I read, went to church, joined the gym and got a new job. I treated myself to the salon. I bought new age appropriate professional clothes. I have hobbies. I do charity work. I have friends. I like myself. I’m happy. I no longer have panic attacks. I’m no one's doormat and I’m no longer depressed. I did it without drugs, but if you need medical assistance then run, don’t walk and get help.
You need to take care of yourself before you can care for others. Put your oxygen mask on first and breathe.
Every time a new state redefines marriage, the news is full of happy stories of gay and lesbian couples and their new families. But behind those big smiles and sunny photographs are other, more painful stories. These are left to secret, dark places. They are suppressed, and those who would tell them are silenced in the name of “marriage equality.”
But I refuse to be silent.
I represent one of those real life stories that are kept in the shadows. I have personally felt the pain and devastation wrought by the propaganda that destroys natural families.
The Divorce
In the fall of 2007, my husband of almost ten years told me that he was gay and that he wanted a divorce. In an instant, the world that I had known and loved—the life we had built together—was shattered.
I tried to convince him to stay, to stick it out and fight to save our marriage. But my voice, my desires, my needs—and those of our two young children—no longer mattered to him. We had become disposable, because he had embraced one tiny word that had become his entire identity. Being gay trumped commitment, vows, responsibility, faith, fatherhood, marriage, friendships, and community. All of this was thrown away for the sake of his new identity.
Try as I might to save our marriage, there was no stopping my husband. Our divorce was not settled in mediation or with lawyers. No, it went all the way to trial. My husband wanted primary custody of our children. His entire case can be summed up in one sentence: “I am gay, and I deserve my rights.” It worked: the judge gave him practically everything he wanted. At one point, he even told my husband, “If you had asked for more, I would have given it to you.”
I truly believe that judge was legislating from the bench, disregarding the facts of our particular case and simply using us—using our children— to help influence future cases. In our society, LGBT citizens are seen as marginalized victims who must be protected at all costs, even if it means stripping rights from others. By ignoring the injustice committed against me and my children, the judge seemed to think that he was correcting a larger injustice.
My husband had left us for his gay lover. They make more money than I do. There are two of them and only one of me. Even so, the judge believed that they were the victims. No matter what I said or did, I didn’t have a chance of saving our children from being bounced around like so many pieces of luggage.
A New Same-Sex Family—Built On the Ruins of Mine
My ex-husband and his partner went on to marry. Their first ceremony took place before our state redefined marriage. After it created same-sex marriage, they chose to have a repeat performance. In both cases, my children were forced—against my will and theirs—to participate. At the second ceremony, which included more than twenty couples, local news stations and papers were there to document the first gay weddings officiated in our state. USA Today did a photo journal shoot on my ex and his partner, my children, and even the grandparents. I was not notified that this was taking place, nor was I given a voice to object to our children being used as props to promote same-sex marriage in the media.
At the time of the first ceremony, the marriage was not recognized by our state, our nation, or our church. And my ex-husband’s new marriage, like the majority of male-male relationships, is an “open,” non-exclusive relationship. This sends a clear message to our children: what you feel trumps all laws, promises, and higher authorities. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want—and it doesn’t matter who you hurt along the way.
After our children’s pictures were publicized, a flood of comments and posts appeared. Commenters exclaimed at how beautiful this gay family was and congratulated my ex-husband and his new partner on the family that they “created.” But there is a significant person missing from those pictures: the mother and abandoned wife. That “gay family” could not exist without me.
There is not one gay family that exists in this world that was created naturally.
Every same-sex family can only exist by manipulating nature. Behind the happy façade of many families headed by same-sex couples, we see relationships that are built from brokenness. They represent covenants broken, love abandoned, and responsibilities crushed. They are built on betrayal, lies, and deep wounds.
Sarah Jessica Parker returns to the streets of New York to shoot new HBO comedy
It’s the sight that Sex And The City fans have been waiting for. A decade after the end of the show, Sarah Jessica Parker was spotted back filming on the streets of New York yesterday.
The 49-year-old actress is on location in the City for her lead role in a brand new comedy pilot for HBO called Divorce.
With snow on the ground in freezing conditions, she spent the first day of filming covered up between scenes in a thick black quilted coat and sheepskin boots.
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Covered up: Sarah Jessica Parker wore a thick coat over her outfit as she filmed her new TV show on location in NYC yesterday
Those that loved the dynamic fashions worn by Carrie Bradshaw might be disappointed with her more dowdy outfit; who can imagine Carrie being caught wearing anything less than a pair of designer heels, even in freezing temperatures?
With her trademark flowing long hair perfectly in place, the elegant actress raised a smile in the sunshine before sneaking back to warm up from the bitter chill in her trailer.
This is the first major TV acting role for SJP since Sex And The City, who had a cameo role on the TV show Glee.
Back: A decade after Sex and the City finished, the actress who played Carrie Bradshaw is back with a new show about divorce.
It tells the story of a very, very long divorce and is written by British writer and actress Sharon Horgan.
Parker is playing a middle-aged woman whose two best girlfriends convince her that she should divorce her husband. Unsure if she wants to go through with it or not, she realises a fresh start is much harder than she thought.
It couldn’t be further from real life for the Sex and the City star, who has one of the strongest marriages in showbiz.
For video go here!:- http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2970759/Sarah-Jessica-Parker-returns-streets-New-York-shoot-new-HBO-comedy.html#v-3302607475001
Sure, you noticed that the other person was a little sad and upset, but you figured whatever they were going through could be resolved with an honest talk. Then you had an honest talk, and it turned into this. They told you that it had been on their mind for a while, but that they couldn’t do this anymore. That it’s really hard for them too, and that they’re sorry, but that they have to end this.
You push back a little, ask questions (how long have you been thinking about this? Are you sure this isn’t just something we can work out?), maybe cry, but this is the decision of the night and it’s over. You leave their place or hang up the phone, and you go to sleep that night disoriented, unsure of how you’re going to handle the next morning, days, months.
You think—there’s no way this can be permanent. Just some time apart, and you guys will realize how much you miss each other, just like all the other little fake breakups and breaks you guys have had. You’ll get through this. After all, you guys still love each other…right?
So you wait.
You wait for the phone call: the one where, after a few days, they call you in tears and tell you that they’ve realized what a mistake they’ve made. That they’re sorry, that they love you, and that they can’t go on like this without you—all the words you’ve desperately wanted to hear since you broke up. And you, after some heavy measured silence, would speak up too, and tell them that it’s okay, and that you’re glad they called. That you love them too, that you forgive them, and that everything was going to be alright.
You wait, and you wait. But that phone call never comes.
Every time your phone vibrates you grab it to see who it is, but it’s never them. A feeling of sickness in your stomach starts to set in, you step outside and the world feels like its lost its color. You thought that you could do this without them. You thought that you could win this. But in the end, it turns out that you need them. You need them, and what’s more, you need them in the way that you—back in the beginning, when you were first falling in love—promised yourself you never would: you need them more than they need you.
One night, you just can’t stand it anymore, and you relapse. You contact them and tell them that you need to talk. After some heavy measured silence, they say, “ok.” You ask to come over, and they say a small, “ok” to that too. You go to their place. You see them again for the first time since you’ve broken up, and the knot in your stomach grows tighter. You ask them how they’ve been and they say, “alright.” They ask you how you’ve been and you say, “alright” too. Then you brush aside the small talk and start to talk about how you’ve been feeling.
You try to temper yourself, and to discuss this like a rational person, but the more you speak, the more you find yourself breaking down. You’ve been hurting, badly, and you want them back. Just give you one more chance, you say. One more chance and everything will be different, you swear. You’ve changed since the last time you’ve talked. Those insecurities of yours? Gone. The things you would do and say that annoyed them? Gone. You have so much love to give them, now more than ever, and if they just accepted it they would see how happy the two of you could be, together. How can they not see how good things were when they were good? How good they could be now?
Your monologue gains momentum and grows more reckless, more painful, like a train that’s gone off the track and is approaching a cliff with its passengers looking out the window and starting to scream. In your desperation, you start to say things that you don’t even know are true but that feel true in the moment: that you’ll never meet somebody as special as them, that your life feels empty without them, and that you can’t do this anymore. You’re crying now, sobbing, and they’re five feet away but a million miles apart, unwilling to touch or hold you, unwilling to give you the physical comfort that you so desperately need.
And then you stop. You’ve betrayed yourself enough already. You imagined on your way here how this would all go down, that after you gave them your heart in the palms of your hands like this they would realize what a mistake they’ve made. That they would break down too, and say “I’m sorry, I love you, I feel the same way,” and that you guys would kiss and hold each other and everything would be okay and beautiful again.
But they have only silence.
After clearing their throat, they start with, “I’m sorry,” and they tell you that they’re hurting too. That this isn’t easy for them either, but that they really meant it when they broke up with you, and that no matter what you say, do, or promise, they’re not getting back with you.
A small voice comes from inside of you: “never?” All the memories you’ve shared, what were those for? The secret language, the love games, fuck it how good the sex was? Did those mean anything to them? Against your will, you start to get angry. How could they do this to you? They told you that it was okay to fall in love, they told you that they would catch you if you fell, and now they’re ending this without even giving you a second chance? And the other person starts to cry, and you feel guilty and they feel guilty, but it’s over, it’s all over, and they tell you through tears that they’re sorry but you have to leave.
Relationships are crazy, how one night you can be making love and the next day that same person won’t even touch you.
The pattern might repeat: the phone calls, the going over to their place and the devolving into an argument, but they stick by their decision through it all. And it starts to sink in: the fact that no matter what you say, what you do or how desperately you try, this person is not getting back with you. You want to feel angry, you want to feel betrayed, and more than anything, you just want to have them back.
This was my story. My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago. While we were sitting in her room, she told me that it was for a number of reasons, but they all essentially boiled down to the fact that she didn’t know if she loved me anymore. As she said that, I realized suddenly, with how honest she was being, that I didn’t—I couldn’t—date her.
As much as I wanted to lean across the bed and kiss her, and tell her that all the problems in the world could be solved right there in my arms, to do that would be to fuck things up in the long term. If I got back with her, I would be dating somebody who was unsure about me. And whatever emotional turmoil she felt about me now wouldn’t go away. It would be buried under the instant gratification of intimacy, and it would eventually resurface. And when it did, maybe it wouldn’t just be turmoil, it would be resentment, resentment at the fact that I was holding her back by guilting her into staying in a relationship with me.
If you love somebody, you’re supposed to do what’s best for them, right? So how come when our lovers tell us we’re no longer the best things for them we freak out? Maybe it’s an ego thing. Maybe it’s because we’re holding onto the belief that we are the best things for them, and that they just don’t realize it.
But I guarantee that if somebody breaks up with you, and sticks with it long enough to override all those probably-still-remaining feelings of attraction towards you, they really believe that it’s the right decision for themselves. And even if you disagree, you need to let them figure that out on their own. They can’t figure it out if they’re having sex with you. They can’t figure it out if they’re sleeping in bed cuddled up next to you. They can’t figure it out if you’re taking them on dates and kissing them on the forehead and telling them how much you love them. That shit’s confusing as hell. Intimacy is like the superglue of human relationships: it makes us stick together, whether or not we’re of the same material.
It’s far easier for them to stay with you, and to hold on to that comfort. But they’re choosing the harder route for a reason. You’ve told them that you’ve loved them before, and to love someone is to want them to be happy. And you want them to be happy, right? So when they tell you that for them, being happy is not being with you, then that’s just something you might have to accept.
I broke up with my high school sweetheart and she loved me into my next relationship and I always told her that it wouldn’t be the same because I didn’t like her anymore. She was so upset about that but now I understand how she felt. She called me the other day and we talked about it. The conversation was short, as conversations between former lovers always are, either long or short.
I explained to her what I’m explaining now: that even if we were to have gotten back together, it just wouldn’t have been the same, because I wasn’t attracted to her anymore. Free from her feelings from me, she agreed. It was just hard, she said, and it was her pride mostly, not letting her accept the fact that I no longer wanted her. She should have been glad, she said, that I found somebody else who made me happy. And, free from her feelings, now she was. It was just hard for her to let go.
But no one told you that it was going to be easy. The hardest thing in life is to bounce back after a loss—that of a friend, family member, or romantic relationship.
But I think, that the biggest test of a relationship between two people is what happens after the breakup. If there was something meaningful there, more than just physicality, then it can take the beating and eventually emerge as a friendship. If you love somebody—and I mean, really love somebody—it goes beyond more than just possessing them via dating. So show them that by accepting and understanding why they broke up with you. They’re going with their feelings, and they can’t control those. You don’t have to hang out with them, you don’t have to talk to them, but don’t hold it against them.
Find ways to occupy yourself in their absence. Be productive. Write in a journal, read a book, hang out with your friends. Don’t try to fill the void with someone else immediately; use the time alone to learn more about yourself. If you “do you,” it’s a win-win situation: either one day they’ll see that and feel attracted to you again, but even if they don’t, you’ll have grown and set yourself up for something even better, even more beautiful, in the future. You’re going through the five stages of grief right now; take solace in the fact that the final stage is acceptance. Maybe what attracted you guys to each other will eventually pull you together again, but not right now.
When I was younger and more idealistic, I had this thing about love, that I would always be fine because how could you want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with you? Love, I felt, was an agreement between two people, and if one person didn’t want it, it wasn’t love. And then I grew up and experienced heartbreak and I wanted to be bitter and cynical about thinking that.
But what I realized recently, is that I was right all along, in a certain way. You can’t be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t—or doesn’t know if they—want to be in a relationship with you. You know, in your heart of hearts, that that wouldn’t make you truly happy. And it wouldn’t make them happy either—the fact that they broke up with you is a testament to that. As much as your heart urges you otherwise, you know you don’t deserve a relationship with someone whose heart isn’t really in it. No one does.
Mediation is an effective way of resolving disputes without the need to go to court. It involves an independent third party - a mediator - who helps both sides come to an agreement. Through a highly structured process our mediators will encourage you to make agreements about property and finance, communication and parenting issues. Written agreements can be made legally binding if required.
Mediation is effective because the mediator is independent and neutral. He or she is committed to helping the parties settle, but does not have a stake in the dispute or the outcome.
Mediation is for couples and for partners who want a formal separation with maximum dignity and minimum trauma.
Mediation is not reconciliation. It is not about blame. Through mediation we help you to reach lasting decisions about your future – decisions about your life, your house and your money.
At the Divorce and Separation Centre you are always an individual. We recognise that all relationships are different and we can help to find the solution which is right for you.
Below are two useful videos that may be helpful in understanding more about family mediation and making an application in court:
Seeking damages for professional negligence, the British woman argued that the lawyers should have made it clear that a divorce would result in her marriage being terminated
A British woman attempted to sue her former lawyers for professional negligence, claiming that, alongside a number of other allegations, they failed to advise that finalising divorce proceedings would inevitably cause her marriage to end.
The curious case - made against two solicitor firms - had already been rejected by the court, but was revealed in the transcript of a later appeal by the claimant against the dismissal of other aspects of her case.
Jane Mulcahy had argued that the lawyers should have made it clear that a divorce would cause her marriage to be terminated - something which she apparently wanted to avoid.
The lawyers failed to regard her Roman Catholic faith and should have recommended judicial separation - a step down from full divorce - as an alternative course of action, she said.
The allegation was revealed in a subsequent appeal court judgment last month, in which Lord Justice Briggs said: “The most striking of Mrs Mulcahy's many allegations of negligence against her solicitors was that, having regard to her Roman Catholic faith, Mrs Boots had failed to give her the advice which was requisite in view of her firmly held belief in the sanctity of marriage…
“…either in terms of the alternative of judicial separation, or about the impossibility of pursuing divorce proceedings to a clean break settlement, without thereby inevitably bringing about the final termination of her marriage, which she wished to avoid.”
Confused about Child Maintenance? Unfortunately many parents fall prey to myths that surround this subject, meaning they do not get a clear, accurate understanding of how the system works, and are not aware that there is support out there, to help them navigate this sensitive area of divorce and separation.
This page helps to dispel some common myths about Child Maintenance and has been put together with the help of Child Maintenance Options, a free and confidential support service for parents.
Myth 1: I don’t think that child maintenance makes a difference to a child
Child maintenance is regular, reliable financial support that helps towards a child's everyday living expenses. An effective child maintenance arrangement can make a significant difference to a child’s well-being, because it can help create a more stable environment for them.
Children get a better start in life when both parents work together and focus on what’s best for their children. When parents make their own financial arrangements, this often helps them to agree on other aspects of their child’s life.
Myth 2: I have to use the Child Maintenance Service to arrange child maintenance
You and the other parent can decide between yourselves how much child maintenance should be paid, and how often it is paid, as long as you both agree. A family-based arrangement can give parents the flexibility to change how much is paid depending on circumstances.
If you’re not sure how much child maintenance should be paid, you can ask Child Maintenance Options to help you estimate an amount. You can then use this amount as a basis for working together to agree your family-based arrangement.
If a Child Maintenance Service arrangement is put in place, once money is passed to the receiving parent, it is their responsibility to decide how to spend it. So if at all possible, you should try and work together with the other parent to decide the best way of providing financially for your children.
You can contact Child Maintenance Options on 0800 988 0988 or www.cmoptions.org.uk for more information, support and guidance on child maintenance.
Myth 3: I’ve tried to arrange a family-based arrangement and it didn’t work
If you cannot make a family-based arrangement work, you can apply to the Child Maintenance Service who will work out the amount of child maintenance that must be paid.
The Child Support Agency no longer accepts new applications. However, it will continue to manage existing cases on the 1993 and 2003 schemes.
Myth 4: I don’t think the Child Maintenance Service will take my personal circumstances into account
The Child Maintenance Service does consider personal circumstances when it works out how much child maintenance should be paid. This includes things like:
the paying parent’s gross income (the amount they earn before tax, national insurance and pension contributions are taken off)
the number of children eligible for child maintenance
how often those children stay overnight with the paying parent
if there are any other children who the paying parent (or their partner) get child benefit for
if the paying parent also pays child maintenance for any other children
Myth 5: I’m not going to bother trying to arrange any maintenance, because it will just be taken from my benefits anyway
Child maintenance is not taken into account when claiming benefits. However, some local councils may take any child maintenance you get into account if you apply for help with your council tax.
Myth 6: I’ve heard the Child Maintenance Service will charge me to use their services
The Government introduced fees and charges in 2014 for using the Child Maintenance Service. You can find more information here.
There are no fees and charges to pay if both parents work together and arrange child maintenance through a family-based arrangement, instead of using the Child Maintenance Service or the courts.
Myth 7: I’ve heard that the CSA is closing – what do I have to do?
From 2014 the CSA will be closing all child maintenance arrangements on its 1993 and 2003 schemes. If you are affected, you will get a letter up to 6 months beforehand, giving you a chance to put a new arrangement in place. Parents will be encouraged to think about making their own family-based arrangement, while those who can’t will be able to make an application to the Child Maintenance Service.
Parents will be offered help and support through this change to help them make the child maintenance arrangement that’s right for them. We expect it to take about 3 years to contact every parent and end all CSA arrangements.
Myth 8: When it comes to child maintenance, there’s no-one I can talk to
Child Maintenance Options is a free service for separating or separated parents, and anyone else with an interest in child maintenance. It can help you to:
understand your options if you don’t already have a child maintenance arrangement or your current arrangement isn’t working as well as you’d like.
help you to understand how much child maintenance should be paid – whether that’s through a family-based arrangement or the Child Maintenance Service.
It can also help you deal with other issues linked to child maintenance, such as housing, work, money and emotional wellbeing by putting you in touch with other helpful groups that offer specialist advice.
You can contact Child Maintenance Options on 0800 988 0988 or www.cmoptions.org.uk for more information, support and guidance on child maintenance.
Myth No. 9: I never see my kids so I don’t have to pay child maintenance
In the eyes of the law, access to or contact with your children is a separate issue from the payment of child maintenance.
Most parents would agree that the most important thing is the welfare of the children. What’s more, research has shown that paying child maintenance often leads to an improvement in the quality of family relationships.
So, even if you don’t see your kids as much as you or they might like, you should still contribute to their upbringing by paying child maintenance regularly.
Further help
Call Child Maintenance Options on freephone 0800 988 0988, from 8am to 8pm Monday to Friday and from 9am to 4pm Saturday
Statistics show that women initiate many more divorces than men in the UK. Tom Cowell tries to find out why.
Divorce: the popular misconception is that it’s all down to adulterous menPhoto: Alamy
Whose fault is divorce? The cold statistical answer is: women.
Before the hate-mail barrage begins, let’s clarify that rather bald statement (and yes, I was partly just trying to get your attention). It’s undeniable that women request the great majority of divorces in the UK. The Office of National Statistics’ (ONS) most recent number crunch reveals that in 2011, the woman was the party granted (therefore initiating) the divorce in 66% of cases that year. It used to be an even higher share: 69% in 2001, and a whopping 72% at the start of the 1990s.
So what are the factors driving that female choice to divorce? The popular misconception is that it’s all down to adulterous men and their wandering penises. But you’d be wrong. Those same ONS stats break down the reasons for divorce, since there are only five legal justifications for ending marriage under UK law: adultery, unreasonable behavior, desertion, or separation (either with or without the consent of the spouse). Men and women are practically equal offenders in the infidelity stakes. In fact, slightly more men claim to have been cuckolded in court (15% of male-initiated divorces) than women (14%).
I’m not pretending for a moment that men are blameless. Those same ONS stats tell us that over half of female-granted divorces are down to their other half’s unreasonable behavior, which can be anything from unchecked boozing, physical abuse, wanton gambling, or that garden-variety mental cruelty you probably saw traces of at your last dinner party. Thank God women are ending those relationships.
On the other hand, it’s possible that women are more likely to initiate divorce than men because in the divorce court, especially where children are involved, the odds are in the female’s favour. Married men who get divorced are generally afraid of losing their kids, with good reason: over 80% of children of separated parents live exclusively or mainly with their mother. Men, often the higher earners, fear the crippling costs of a split. Women raising children and without much income can use taxpayer funds (through Legal Aid – for example) to fight a divorce, only paying the Crown back if they get a sufficiently large settlement. Not to sound crude, but this is like going to the Divorce Casino and playing with the house’s cash.
The UK’s divorce courts are so notorious for their supposed “wife-friendly” atmosphere that many men believe they would get a fairer hearing if their divorce proceedings were carried out elsewhere in the EU. . British courts can award ex-wives maintenance for life, while some European jurisdictions frequently limit post-marital support to only a handful of years. The potential lifetime supply of maintenance payments may make the stress and misery of divorce a high-reward gamble for British wives at the end of their tether.
Of course, only an idiot would say that divorce is all peaches and cream for women. The challenges facing ex-wives are daunting: single parenthood, re-entering the job market, recovering from the potential trauma of an abusive partner… the list is long, before you even get to financial matters. As one Cambridge University study observed, women see their per capita income drop by an average of 31% immediately following divorce (even if much of that income has been earned by her ex).
The aftermath of divorce is no picnic for men either. Yet it’s women who are more likely to take that drastic and frightening step into the unknown.
Here's another thought. Women often criticise men for their fear of commitment. Perhaps we are anxious to commit because it is more likely that our partners will eventually be the ones bailing out of this “lifelong” partnership, not us.
But then, in other respects, men often have themselves to blame. Perhaps the fact that women initiate more divorces has nothing to do with maintenance payments or custody of the children. Perhaps it’s simply a higher-stakes version of the typical male attitude to relationships. Many men will have thought to themselves, at least once in life: “I won’t break up with her, I’ll just be a complete tool until she ends it”. The divorce stats are perhaps just a reflection of the fact that men are cowards. Women are more likely to have the balls to call time on a failing relationship; men are more likely to simply wait to be told that it’s over.
