PREDICTING DIVORCE – JOHN GOTTMAN
John Gottman has spent years studying marriages - both marriages that
have endured, and marriages that have eventually ended in divorce. He
studied marriages with the intent of uncovering the reasons why some
marriages work and why other marriages fail.
After studying marriages for 16 years, he has learned to predict which
couples will eventually divorce and which will remain married. He can make
this prediction based on the ways couples argue, after listening to the couple
for just five minutes, with 91% accuracy. He can make these predictions
with such a high degree of accuracy because he has discovered which
behaviors will lead to a breakup of the marriage. He has pinpointed five signs
that a couple will most likely suffer a future break-up.
The First Sign: A Harsh Startup
The first of these signs that will predict divorce is the way the discussion
begins, because 96% of the time the way a discussion begins can
predict the way it will end. When one partner begins the discussion using
a harsh startup, such as being negative, accusatory or using contempt, the
discussion is basically doomed to fail. On the other hand, when one partner
begins the discussion using a softened startup, the discussion will most likely
end on the same positive tone.
The Second Sign: The Four Horsemen
A harsh startup can lead the couple's discussion down a path of negative
interaction. This type of negativity can wreak havoc on a marriage. Indeed,
there are four types of negative interactions that are so lethal to a marriage
that Gottman has labeled them the Four Horsemen of Apocalypse.
"Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the
following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling"
(Gottman et al 27).
The first of the lethal horsemen is criticism. Gottman distinguishes between
criticism and complaints, because one partner will always have certain
complaints about his or her spouse. Complaining about one's spouse is
normal, however, the way one goes about expressing these complaints is
most important. The problem arises when complaints turn into
criticisms. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, while a criticism
attacks the character of the person. An example of the difference between a
complaint and a criticism is the following:
Complaint: "You should have told me earlier that you're too tired to make
love. I'm disappointed, and I feel embarrassed."
more.....
http://tinyurl.com/a69brrp
This is from a site called isoulseek.
